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Tomorrow marks one month of staying at the tower. This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but it's been slowly filling you with anxiety and comfort all at the same time. You haven't stayed at one place for more than a week since you left Dylan's. But dread runs through your veins at the thought of leaving, you knew you had too at some point, that was your plan all along right? You can't switch up your dreams now. Whether you like it or not, leaving is the only way you won't hurt anymore. 

You've got a routine down though which helps take your mind off things. Pepper saw that you were basically itching to do something, or that's what she thought. You were really just eager to get the screams out of your head. She offered to have you shadow her in the office like an assistant for most of the day. It's mostly mundane boring tasks that you usually would hate, but it's different with Pepper.

Everything is so fast paced and efficient that you don't have time to let your mind think about anything other than the objective at hand, which is a skill you grew thankful to have.  The only downside is you have to wake up at 6 and actually put on a dress or suit rather than a hoodie and sweats, but you win some and lose some. 

Other than that, you’re now constantly around people, which you aren't sure is your's or Bruce's doing. You guys started doing those 'check-ups' that were mandated by the hospital and as much as he seems to buy whatever bullshit you're telling him, you can't help but feel that little tick in the back of your mind that's fighting to tell him the truth about everything, and you can tell he sees the internal battle happening. That adds to the list of reasons you need to get out here, you don't want Bruce of all people finding out about your plan. You just need to be cleared, that's your goal right now, you need to focus on that rather than-

"Do you always have to be here?" Rather than him.

"This isn't your library, shouldn't you be working or something. I don't know how you're still employed if you just sit here all day." You lifted your head from the book and revealed a wicked smile. 

You've enjoyed messing with him, it's the few times you let yourself actually express some part of your personality. Plus, he's just really easy to mess with, you love the way his face hardens when you say something that hits a nerve, that's how you know the nights gonna be fun and filled with mindless bickering. 

Wait,  no, you don't love it. Loving it would mean you would actually look forward to it, but anything regarding Darth Vader you don't look forward to. He's just fun to pick on, that's all. 

"I get my work done as quickly as one can. Now, move over, you're in my spot." You knew the second you chose this seat you were in 'his spot'. After the first week or so you both had this unspoken rule of where you would sit. And weirdly, they were only a few feet away from each other. He took the chair next to the fireplace and you took the coach facing the fireplace since you like to cuddle up while reading. He would always act annoyed on how you were too close and to find another seat, but something in you just desired to bother him, plus you're pretty sure he only says it as an act. 

"I wanna sit here, you can sit on the couch." You waved your hand over towards the plush cushions that were seducing you to go lay on them. "Cereus, if you don't move-"

"Then what? You'll hit me with books?" You smile widened as you saw his face hardening into that oh so lovely scowl. Now we're getting somewhere. "I'll do more than hit you-"

"Blah blah, let me guess.. you're going to threaten my life now?" You shut the book with a smack and continued. "At this point we'll be racing to see who does it first." 

To add to the many dangerous reasons as to why you, out of all people, feel the most comfortable around him is because you don't have to fake anything. Whenever you're around the others it's almost like you have this constant mask on. You'll do everything in your power to glue it to your face, to keep any sign of illness covered by it. You're living by that mask, but around him you can breathe. 

"I'm glad to hear that your mental state hasn't been repaired." He scoffed, pushing your legs off the coffee table. "I'm not moving." 

"I'm well aware, your petty tricks are getting quite prosaic." He moved to the couch, looking weirdly awkward as he tried to get comfortable. His body was stiff sitting on the one corner where he looked around for a place to set his arms. 

"Like you could do any better, you haven't pulled anything since the elevator." You bit back, throwing your legs over the armrest. You really should give this trick up, he's right it is petty, plus you really wanna lay down. 

He looked up from his book, that you doubt he was actually reading and scanned your face. Or that's what you hoped he was doing, because he looked at you for a little too long for you not to want to roll up into a ball and become as small as possible. "I assume I've given you enough panic attacks. I didn't know you would be asking for more." 

This time you didn't know if he was joking, it seems like the type of thing he would make fun of you for, but he wasn't smiling and there was no hint of amusement in his voice. He lifted an eyebrow expecting a response, but what were you supposed to say to that. You wish some snarky remark popped up in your mind, but nothing did. It's like you went blank, you had this urge to say thank you. 

You had to bite on your tongue to stop the words from coming out. You didn't know if it was your pride or what that didn't want you giving into him and letting the fight die in some sincere way that's never occurred before. So you just stayed quiet till you could change the subject. 

"What do you even do here?" Was what you came up with. "Pardon?" He scrunched his eyebrows, visibly looking confused and for the first time not mockingly. 

"Like what's your job? You said you get your work done fast so what kind of work do you do?"

He practically looked repulsed at your question. Honestly, you didn't know what he looked like. He had so many emotions yet none in his expression. Anger, confusion, disbelief, even panic. You were only reading him through his eyes though, his face was calm after his first initial shock. Which you didn't understand, it was a reasonable question to ask and it was definitely overdue. 

You both never really talked about your own personal lives now that you think about it. If you weren't arguing you were talking about literature, or the foolish conversations that happened at dinner, mostly around Thor. You hadn't a clue why, but the guy really hated Thor.  Once you described the blonde god as 'loud but sweet' and it must’ve hit a button because he slammed his book shut and left without another word.

"I don't recall when we decided to dive into each other's personal affairs." He spat with so much fury you jumped from his voice. "I didn't mean it like that, I was just curious-" 

"Ah curious were you? Because I'm quite curious as to what that man Dylan did to you to cause such a reaction as throwing up just by talking about him. Did he break your heart? Was that it, you mortal beings are so fragile." His words echoed through the library just as intensely as they were echoing through your mind. 

You didn't know how to describe how you were feeling, but all you cared about was making it go away. His jaw clenched so hard that you swore he would have broken a tooth. This argument wasn't just mindless bickering anymore. There was real heated anger behind it and you couldnt piece together why. Though, you didn't care, he didn't deserve to have a real fight with you. Not when his claim isn't even close to what actually happened. 

"Here’s your seat back." Were your parting words, before heading to your now one and only safe place. 

He wasn't at dinner, which was both a blessing and a curse. You would've enjoyed seeing the look on his face when he saw you weren't fazed about your interaction. But then again, it was a mask. A part of the same mask you wore at dinner every night. It's a lot easier hiding your true emotions when surrounded by such happy people. Especially people who are happy because they're saving the world everyday. 

You truly didn't know what to think, obviously he was hiding something. He has to be if just asking what his job is caused such a strong reaction. Maybe he was the team's emotional support person, like how some teams have puppies. Oh my God, what if he's the teams prostitute that would totally explain why he doesn't like half of them. 

Now that your level is headed, you can't be angry. Not in the way of trying to convince yourself not to be mad but in the way that nothing in your body is insisting you to feel that heated deep rooted feeling that you honestly wished you felt more. This was always a flaw of yours, you were never able to hold a grudge, other than against yourself. You cut more slack off for others, you never trained yourself to be like this. You just are. 

Just like how being suicidal is apart of who are. You don't second guess it, you just accept it. Because it's the most logical answer to all your problems, what about that doesnt seem enticing. If you're gone you wouldn't have to worry about feeling bad about prying into Darth Vader's life, no matter how hard you try not to. 

Though he didn't need to get angry in the first place so how could any of this be your fault, if anything he didn't need to go around talking about Dylan. 

Here come back the thoughts, then after the thoughts the screams come. You were preparing yourself for it. You knew the signs like the back of your hand. First it was self doubt, then you start picking at your flaws, and you can't forget the immediate suicidal thoughts that never seem to escape your mind. Its torturing you in the most captivating way possible. The worst part about being sucidal is knowing that you're suicidal. Once you start to feel like this, it plagues your mind for life. It’s your comfort plan, whenever anything goes wrong you feel like you could fall back on it. You’ll never be rid of it. 

Do you think you have a problem, no. Everybody yearns to achieve at least one goal in their life. You’ve never had a goal, or the one of the ones people expect. My goal when I was 15 was to run away, achieved. Ever since then, the goal has been death. It's morbid but it's what's making your heartbeat and mind going. Because if you weren't thinking about this goal, you wouldn't be thinking about anything. 

However, something you don't want is for the screams to come. You lose your control when they're here, and lately they've been showing up less and less, which is only a result of how busy you are. Usually right now you would be at the library with Darth Vader, his presence distracts you from your thoughts and even your book. 

You're basically itching to find something to do, you don't wanna bother anyone, and you really don't wanna go to the library. He's definitely angry and you haven't decided how you feel about what he said yet all you know is in the end whatever comes out of his mouth won't matter, nothing will. 

God, you need to stop thinking about these things. The more you start talking like this the faster the screams come and you don't know what you could do when they're here. You don't feel like yourself when they're beating against your brain. You're capable of anything, including messing up your plan to get out of here, so you need to keep it under control. What is there to do, what is there to do?

Wait. There's a kitchen on this floor and you're pretty sure it's fully stocked knowing Tony. Your feet moved before your mind caught up to your idea. Looking through the cabinets you realized you had all the ingredients to make whatever you wanted. 

"Hey J.A.R.V.I.S.?" You said out loud immediately feeling stupid for talking to the ceiling. 

"Yes Miss." well stupid or not it worked. "Can you pull up a chocolate chip cookie recipe on uhh the TV?" 

"Of course Miss, enjoy." 

It felt like home. Granted, you've never felt at home anywhere, but baking was the feeling that you assumed home would feel like. You used to bake with your mom when you were younger and at Dylan's to pass time when he was working. You could make some killer sourdough bread. 

You put on some music, doing everything in your power to escape into your own little world. You don't know why you didn't resort to baking earlier, whether it was the fear of having to ask another favor and be a hassle in the kitchen or if you just didn't want to bring up memories past. But now that you basically have your own it’s always going to be filled with some kind of baked good. 

You were always a clean up as you go person, it was just easier overall. You never understood how someone could leave all the dishes to wash at the end. The cookies were in the oven baking and you’re just thankful you did half the dishes before because if you had to do all of them now your senses would be so overloaded on focusing on the chore that you wouldn't even notice the intoxicating sweetness filling the room that made all the work worth it. 

You wouldn't call baking a hobby of yours, hobby’s are usually for people who have their life together and obsess over simple tasks to fill the little curious voids in their souls. Baking for you was a luxury, it was a luxury when you were younger to get away from your father through an easy task like baking with your mother. It was a luxury to have the ability to bake in order to fill the little sparks of energy you had on those rare days with Dyaln. Hobbies were not something you had, conveniences were. 

Your head lifted up the second you heard the small grits of the floorboard under pressure. Really, it was instinct that made your body reach for the wooden spoon of all things and grip it tightly in your hand. 

But when you saw the flow of dark black hair pass the dimmed light of the hallway, you loosened your grip. “I thought you would have locked yourself in your room by now.” You said calmly moving to put the useless weapon back in its place, not bothering to look him in the eye as you heard his footsteps near the island where you stood. 

“What is that smell?” He didn't say in the worst tone, but then again not nicely ethier. You had to fight the urge to grab the spoon again and whack him over the head. 

Whatever, it's not like you were angry about what happened earlier anyways. You just know how to hold grudges, and that's exactly what you’re gonna do. 

“None of your business.” 

“You’re being childless.” He snorted, standing up so tall that you threatened to give him the satisfaction of looking up to him. 

“I mean truly, it is none of your business. I was doing my own thing when you came in and interrupted me so what do I owe to you to answer your question.” You said as a matter of factly, mirroring his posture to stand your ground. “If you wanna know that bad then why don't you just check yourself.”

Rolling his eyes, his shoulders slumped slightly - barely visible to the eye - and he moved over to the oven where he suspected the smell came from. He crouched down to be eye level with the cookies whilst opening the oven door, you could see his eyes immediately widen and a small smirk formed at your lips. 

“What are those?” He did all but gasp out the words with enthusiasm. Your heart involuntarily skipped a beat when you heard his voice change, you've never heard him so excited. He sounded like a child in a candy store, now that you think about it this was the first time he showed a true emotion other than anger. 

The worst part about it was, you were impatient to hear that excitement filled voice again. 

“Cookies.” You gave in, uncrossing your arms to let your posture loose. “What are cookies?” His expression turned to visible confusion. 

“You don't know what cookies are?” You tried to hide the shock but it was inevitable. How could he not know what cookies are?

“No, I have not heard of this treat before.” He faced the cookies again, looking at them skeptically. 

You took everything in you to hold back all the questions that were clouding your brain. He was this huge mystery to you that you wanted to solve more than ever. Though, you kept them to yourself to keep the smile on his face. Something you would definitely scold yourself for later. 

You learned earlier today that he hated questions about his personal life, and you didn't know why but the last thing you wanted to do right now was piss him off. 

“Ok, well they're like this sweet dough that um has chocolate chips. I don't really know how to explain, you just have to try it.” 

You were fast on your feet, grabbing the oven mittens. You took the tray out right in time and set them on the counter to cool. Like it was second nature his arm went flying towards the pan, however before his hand could land on the hot tray you smacked it away glaring at him in the process. 

“Can you not be patient?” You groaned. “You have to wait for them to cool first, give them like 5 minutes.” 

In the time being you answered all his stupid questions until you could’nt bare it anymore and let him take one. You don't know how many times you could answer ‘Are you sure there’s no poison in them?’ with ‘Yeah you idiot, I’m planning on eating one too.’

You waited to take a bite into your cookie, too distracted by the pure bliss in his eyes. You couldn't keep yourself from staring. The slow closing of his eyes when the sweet treat hit his tongue. The deep groan that escaped his throat when he swallowed. It was definitely in your mind longer than you would’ve liked. 

Coughing to mask the feeling of heat rising up your neck. “Ar-Are they good?” You asked, taking a bite of your own but not focusing on the taste. 

“They're delectable. I’ve never tasted anything like this before.” He gulped down the rest of the cookie in seconds, grabbing another.

“Have as many as you want, it gives me an excuse to make more.” 

“You would make more of these?” He gaped, basically grabbing the whole tray and putting it on his plate. “I mean yeah, or I could make something different-”

“No, make more of these, they're delicious. I swear to the Norns I could eat thousands of these.” You let the abnormal expression roll down your back when you realized something. “Wait, don't eat anymore.” You jumped out of your seat and went to the fridge. 

“You poisoned these afterall, didn’t you?” He stopped midchew ready to spit it out. “No but I should’ve.” You joked throwing him a playful smile so he knew you were messing around. 

“You have to try them with milk, it’s life changing.” You poured a glass for each of you, and motioned the correct steps as to how to eat it. 

“First, you take a sip of the milk. Then you break off a piece of the cookie and dunk it into the milk then eat it.” You had to force yourself not to moan at how good it was. 

“That's ridiculous. The cookie will just get soggy, and see a piece of your cookie fall into the milk.” He scoffed, shaking his head and continued to eat it the normal way. “Come on you have to just try it once, if after you think it’s horrible then I’ll accept your part of the 0.01% that does not dip their cookies in milk.” You buttered him up with your best attempts at puppy dog eyes until he relented and broke off a piece of his cookie. 

Once again his eyes lit up, something you were quickly realizing you would never get used to, he then went back to dip another piece in the milk. “I told you so.” you snorted, enjoying the rest of your cookie while he finished off his last 5. You remembered that he didn’t eat dinner and let him eat the rest of the tray, including the one cookie you were saving to give Pepper in the morning. 

“I didn’t know you could bake.” You two were walking back to your rooms, after you had to pry his hands away from the glass milk since he didn't ‘Get the cookies at the bottom of the glass yet.’ 

“It became convenient over the years to learn.” You darted your eyes to the floor. “I believe you should do it more, you are very good at it.” He looked down at you offering a small smirk. One that wasn't predatory like his others, it was a peaceful gesture. One that didn't have a second motive, just a true pure expression. 

“Thank you, I’ll keep you in mind when I make something next.” Internally cringing at the words that just left your mouth. You fought the urge to look down from his gaze. 

“I am grateful for that.” He stopped outside his door and looked back at you before going in. “I’ll see you tomorrow in the library.” Before you could respond, you felt the strong gust of wind hit your face causing a few strands of hair to blow away from your face. 

Sighing, you took the steps that led you to a room that always welcomed you with open arms. Tonight didn't go in the direction that you expected, but you achieved your goal. You didn't let the screams overwhelm you and that was partly because of Darth Vader. Whether you liked it or not, he was helping you. Though you’d rather ruin your whole plan then have him realize that. You still hate him the same amount you did this afternoon, it's just now it dawned on you that you can use him for your benefit. He’s still an enemy in some light, but doesnt the saying go keep your friends close but enemies closer. That's exactly what you’re doing. 

That also explains why the scene of him taking his first bite of your cookie is replaying in your mind while you stare at the ceiling. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.