Mike is numb.
Numb on the ride back to Hawkins.
Numb when he hugs his mom, Nancy, Holly. There’s relief there. But it’s suppressed.
Numb when he’s standing by Max’s bed, watching her body lie, lifeless.
Numb when he hears all the names of neighbors, classmates, teachers, store clerks, everyone that’s died. And Mike barely knew them. He passed them on the street, he’d exchange a word or two, so why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like he’s lost a family?
He doesn’t cry though. Not for his third grade English teacher Mr Bell, not for the teenager behind the counter that sold him comics, not even for Max’s stolen future by Vecna’s slimy hand. He’s numb.
The doctors say he’s in shock. His hometown is in ruins, his whole life destroyed.
And, physically, he’s still here. He talks, with his mother, the nurses, even Hopper, when they ask if he’s okay. And he smiles, nods, insists he’s fine, he wasn’t even there for the earthquake. None of them believe him, so he boils it down to just shock.
It’s not a total lie. Some days, he’ll wake up and not remember everything that’s happened, will think about going to see a movie and hanging out with his friends normally. Every time, it hits him like a ton of bricks onto his back, buckling under the weight of the terrifying realization that nothing will ever be the same.
So yeah, he’s in shock.
He’s in shock for weeks. Weeks of rebuilding and healing, weeks of unshed tears that linger behind his eyes, never threatening to spill over but always there, a persistent reminder of… something. Something that widens the black hole in his heart.
He’s in shock until El is standing in front of him, twisting her fingers and saying the only words that truly register for the first time in weeks.
We should break up
And he hates it. And he wants to argue, to scream and cry and shout because he needs her, he’s needed her since they were twelve, and he’ll never stop needing her.
But when he nods, not quite sure what he’s doing, he sees the relief spread over her face, and she hugs him, and he hugs her back awkwardly.
There’s a conversation in there, slow words poking carefully at tender hearts, but in the end… he feels better for it. The world doesn’t explode, his heart doesn’t stop. Maybe he doesn’t need her. Maybe he’s been clinging. It’s the most refreshing thought he’s had in months.
He still cries though. Cries, sadness and pain going off like fireworks in his chest, sobbing with his head in his hand, hiccuping and heaving. And afterwards he feels miserable, sniffling and shaking, but it feels so good to feel again.
The next few weeks pass quickly as life returns to some sense of normalcy. But this time, Mike is there mentally too. Vecna is dead, and they celebrate and mourn every death, and have sleepovers and movie nights and even DnD games. And Mike feels overwhelming happiness when Max wakes up, blind and in need of a wheelchair but still Max, the same Max who teases and shoves him and calls him an idiot.
And life feels okay.
Until Will.
Well, at first it feels okay in part because of Will. Will who comes over almost every day, even when no one is around. And they read comics or watch tv or sometimes just lay on the floor, talking. It brings Mike back to life before, before Dustin and Lucas and everyone else, when it was just them, to nerds against the terrifying world of Hawkins elementary.
Will with his shy smile that shines like the sun, his soft laugh and warm eyes.
In spite of everything, of Max’s injury and the breakup and the whole fucking town splitting into fours, Will gives Mike a reason to smile. He makes him happy.
One day, they read old x men comics in Mike’s room, and Mike finds the courage to ask a question.
“Hey, um.”
Will glances up, and Mike sees the summer light glow in his eyes.
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to… you know what, never mind, it’s stupid.” Mike says, turning back to his comic, cheeks slightly colored.
“No, it’s okay, what is it?” Will asks, scooting closer to Mike on the bed.
“I guess I just… wanted to know if we were okay. You know, after everything.” It’s a stupid question. But Will answers genuinely all the same.
“Yeah. Of course.” He says, with a small smile, that sparks a big one for Mike.
“Cool.” And Mike finds himself smiling for the rest of the day.
So things are fine between them, so that’s why weeks later Mike is scolding himself for ruining it with his weird thoughts. Because being with Will, these days, reminds him of being with El. It’s the same warm feeling that puts a big smile on his face, that makes him want to spend the day with Will and only Will that hits a little too close to home, bringing back memories of early days with El.
He brushes this aside at first. El is a girl, Will is a boy, and Mike is totally straight. Not that he has anything against gay people. He’s just not one. And he’s sure he’s not one, and he tells himself he’s not one and that he and Will are totally platonic, but then Will can just smile and Mike isn’t so sure anymore.
One day, a perfectly warm and sunny summer day meant for long running around and soaking in the sun, Mike finds himself cooped in his basement watching Return of the Jedi, much to his disgust.
“I can’t believe you.”
“It’s a classic!” Lucas says.
“A new hope is so much better!” Mike shoots back, full of defiance.
“It’s like coke. Old coke is good, new coke is better.”
“Are you crazy?!” Dustin jumps in, shaking his head wildly
“No it fucking isn’t! You’re disgusting.” Mike adds.
“Boys. Shut up. Watch the movie.” Max says, and Mike instantly feels guilty because he knows she can’t and is really just here to listen.
“Sorry” he mutters. Lucas and Dustin copy him, and Lucas shoots him a glare and Mike gladly returns. Honestly, sometimes he can’t believe he’s friends with Lucas. He’s full on crazy. And there’s no way Return of the Jedi is better than A New hope. That’s just stupid—
Mike blinks. His eyes, subconsciously, have landed on Will next to him, staring awestruck at the screen despite having seen the movie a thousand times. Blue light shines from the screen, illuminating Wills features. He’s beautiful.
Mike blinks again. What is he thinking? He shakes his head, tearing his eyes away from Will and onto the tv screen, where Ewoks trip massive AT-AT walkers onto a mossy forest floor.
Not a minute later Mike finds his eyes back on Will, gasping softly as Leia and Han kiss passionately.
“Mike. Psst, Mike.”
Mike is shocked out of his thoughts by Dustin, snapping and waving his hands around across the pile of beanbags and cushion.
“Earth to Mike.”
“What?”
“We’re out of popcorn.”
“What?!”
El pauses the movie, and Mike glares dumbfoundedly at Lucas and Dustin.
“How are you out of popcorn? I didn’t even get any!”
“You snooze, you lose. We need more though.”
“Go make some then!”
“We don’t know how!” Lucas replies angrily. “Plus, you’re the host!”
“How do you not know how to make popcorn?” Max says.
“Oh, why don’t you make it then if you’re so smart?” Dustin replies mockingly.
“I’m blind, dumbass”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Mike can practically feel Max’s eye roll.
“Whatever. Just make more popcorn.”
“Yeah Mike, make more popcorn.” Lucas shoots. And Mike groans and rolls his eyes too.
“I don’t know how either!”
“Where did this come from then?” Dustin asks, holding up the empty popcorn bowl.
“It’s store bought” Mike replies, tilting his head back and forth and scrunching his face.
“Then go buy more.” Lucas says like it’s obvious, shaking his hands to emphasize his point.
“Yeah Mike, go buy more.” Will copies teasingly. Despite himself, Mike feels his cheeks flush a little.
“I’ll go ask Nancy. She knows how.” Mike elements, pushing himself off the floor and making his way to the stairs. “Don’t watch without me!” He calls back as he jogs up the rickety steps, up to the second floor and in front of Nancy's room. He makes to barge in, but the knob jiggles under his hand. Locked.
“Nancy, let me in!” He yells, unnecessarily loudly.
“Give me a minute!” Nancy yells back, equally loud. There’s a rustling on the other side of the door and two sets of footsteps, and then the door creaks open slowly to reveal Nancy, mussed brown hair, slightly flushed cheeks and annoyed demeanor. Mike scrunches his face into a confused look.
“What’s wrong with your hair?”
She slams the door in his face.
“No! Wait! Nancy I’m sorry please I need your help.”
The door opens again.
“What”
“Help me make popcorn?”
“You don’t know how to make popcorn?”
“… shut up”
—
Nancy moves around the kitchen, leaving Mike hovering awkwardly in the corner in the fast-approaching evening silence.
“Isn’t Robin over?” He asks, trying to make conversation. He hadn’t seen her when Nancy had opened the door. Maybe it’s his imagination, but Nancy’s cheeks turn a little red.
“Uh yeah. She’s, um, in the bathroom.”
“Oh.” Mike nods awkwardly
More silence as Nancy puts the popcorn into the microwave, turning to him.
“Okay,” she says, turning to him. “The microwave is set for three minutes. It'll be hot when you take it out, so be careful.”
He nods, she shoots him one of her exasperated smiles, and makes to go back upstairs.
“Wait! Nancy.”
She glances back.
“Yeah?” She asks, clearly annoyed.
Mike swallows sibling pride, twists his fingers, and opens his mouth.
“Can I, um, ask you something?”
She raises her eyebrows, surprised, but nods. More embarrassed than encouraged, he continues.
“How do you know the difference between a crush and, like, a really good friend?” Stupid question. She’s going to laugh at him. But Nancy’s features soften, and she comes over and leans on the counter next to him.
“Well… if it’s a crush, you…” she drags out the last word slowly, lips slightly parted and pursed. “Think about them regularly and you want to spend time with them. And it feels exciting? Exciting, yeah, but you’re… comfortable, too.” She says.
Mike's heart stops. He thinks of Will, always on his mind, every moment with the other boy feeling like it should last forever. His breath catches.
You’re in love.
No. No he isn't. Because it’s Will, and Will is a boy, and Mike likes girls, and it makes too much sense for his burning heart.
He glances at Nancy to see if she’s noticed, but she’s submerged in her own daydreams. Mike clears his throat.
“You sound like you’re speaking from experience. Jonathan?”
She laughs.
“No, um, actually, me and Jonathan broke up.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.” He’s not sure what to make of that. He liked Jonathan, and he and Nancy always seemed like the kind of couple that would never break up. He’s never paid attention to his sister's boyfriends, but Mike still finds himself feeling sorry for her, in some brotherly way.
“Are you okay?”
She turns and nods, twice, shakily.
“Yeah. I think I am. You know, it was hard but… it felt good in the end. And I think I found someone that makes me happier.” She admits the last part with a pursed smile, turning to him. “How about you? After the whole El thing.”
Mike takes a moment to consider.
“Yeah. Me too. I found someone else.” He says softly.
“Oh? Care to share?” Nancy asks, full teasing sister mode on, raising her eyebrows. Mike’s cheeks burn at the thought.
Don’t tell her
She’ll think you’re a freak
She’ll hate you
“It’s Will.” Mike whispers. Silence. Long, painful silence, stretching on for a million years in the span of five seconds.
“Oh,” Nancy whispers, her breath caught.
“Yeah.” Mike says. His chest is seized up. But the hole in his heart feels a little smaller. And then, suddenly, Nancy is hugging him.
“Thank you for telling me.” She mutters, and Mike relaxes under her touch. His arms fold slowly onto her back. He can’t remember the last time he hugged, really hugged Nancy. He’ll never admit it, ever, but it feels good. They stay like that for a moment.
“Okayyyy, this is awkward now.” Mike declares, pushing her away. Nancy laughs, reaching to her face and wiping her hand under her eye.
“Yeah”
“Are you crying?” Mike asks, surprised.
“No I just… we have a lot to talk about”
Before Mike can question her, a voice sounds from the top of the stairs.
“Nance, you coming?” Asks the tall, shaggy haired girl meaning across the banister. “Hey Mike.”
Mike smiles.
“Hey Robin.”
Nancy glances at him. He nods.
“I’ll be fine.”
She nods, and runs off to meet Robin. Mike smiles quietly to himself.
He’s in love with Will Byers.
And maybe that’s okay.
—-
Weeks later, hanging in Steve’s yard, Mike will watch Robin help ease Nancy into the pool, and understand that Robin is to Nancy what Will is to Mike, a forbidden love, a guilty secret hidden away. And Will will walk over to Mike, and sit down next to him, and Mike will press a cheek to Will’s jaw, and laugh.
He’s in love with Will Byers.
Mike doesn’t feel numb anymore, or miserable. He feels happy.