hello my old heart

Taehyun sighed heavily as he tugged the heavy door to the cafe closed, shivering slightly as the cool night air blew against his skin as he used his keys to lock it behind him. For a second, he leaned against the glass door, fighting back an yawn as his bones ached from yet another horrible, exhausting closing shift. 

He scowled lightly, cursing the university for sucking his wallet dry - you’d think a scholarship would cover most of his fees, but apparently there were extras he had to pay for. Who even needed a meal plan? Taehyun wasn’t even living on campus - besides, he knew how to cook a mean ramen. He even taught himself how to make it more healthy (as one could get with cup ramen) for …. for …. 

Taehyun’s shoulders slumped more on themselves as he pulled away from the glass, staring at himself in the reflection. It had to have been for him. The boy he couldn’t remember, even after a month of trying desperately. The most he’d done was give himself a migraine so strong he couldn’t go to work for a week straight - thus his boss scheduling him closing shifts everyday since he came back as revenge. You’d think a grown man would be less petty. 

Sighing again, Taehyun ran a hand through his hair as he pulled away from the cafe finally, curling in on himself slightly as he began his trek home. Hopefully, he’d be able to make it before he caught a cold or something, he totally didn’t need to add being sick onto his list of problems. 

He ignored the normal night life that surrounded him as he quickly walked, not sparing anyone around him a glance as he began to get lost in his thoughts, confident in muscle memory to get him home.

Taehyun’s ‘list of problems’ honestly wasn’t that long - he was just secretly dramatic. The biggest problem he had, obviously, was still the nameless boy that haunted him. He had confided in Yeonjun not long after he decided to force himself to remember the boy, and was pleasantly surprised when Yeonjun told him he’d been feeling the exact same thing. However, the older boy wasn’t in any better position than he was - in fact, Yeonjun remembered even less. Granted, it seemed like he was remembering more bits of information everyday, just like Taehyun. 

Somedays, he’c come bounding up to Taehyun with this massive grin on his face before excitedly telling him that he’d remembered something like that the boy hated tomatoes with an passion, or that once, when they were kids, the boy had broken his thumb after jumping off the jungle-jim. 

However, just like Taehyun, he couldn’t remember the boy’s name or his face. It was always just these seemingly useless memories that they subconsciously remembered. Still, they kept them determined - after all, if they remembered something so small as how much the boy hated tomatoes to the point he once wrote an entire science report on why tomatoes should be eradicated, then surely they’d remember who it was soon enough. 

Taehyun paused in step briefly - oh, he’d remembered something new. He’d have to add it to his notebook later. He returned to his pace quickly, fully aware of the creeps that enjoyed hiding in the shadows around his neighborhood. 

The notebook in question was actually supposed to be used for Taehyun’s future university classes, but had soon become filled with all the little notes and tibits he and Yeonjun remembered about the boy. Taehyun had even included the various sketches he’d done - mostly the ones that were semi-complete or looked nearly like how Taehyun thought the boy should look. Still, there was always something inherently wrong with the images, and no matter how long Taehyun stared at them he couldn’t figure out what it was. 

Most nights Taehyun found himself reading through the pages as if they were his favorite book, even going as far as highlighting his favorite memories or fact’s as he came across them. Every time he read it, he always came to the same conclusion; it was easy to love whoever this boy was. It had to be, because Taehyun had already found himself falling in love with the boy again and again with every turn of a page,  and every trace of a useless sketch. 

Some nights, when he was feeling particularly exhausted and lonely and just so spent, he held the book close and pretended it was a person and whispered the words ‘I love you’, always aching just a little more when the pages didn’t say it back. 

He yearned for the things he didn’t remember, like the way his name sounded on the boy's tongue, or how exactly warm his hugs were, or how much comfort he found in another person when he swore to always be his own guiding light. 

Taehyun needed to remember these things, even if it was the last thing he ever remembered. 

He just needed to remember him. 

Yeonjun had suggested once that they should contact someone to help them. A hypnotist, a mind reader - a physiatrist. It’d been two months after all - two months of nothing but headaches and useless memories that got them nowhere. Taehyun remembered how tired the other had looked, how the bags under his eyes matched his own. He’d said it almost offendanly, a throwaway joke after yet another attempt and remembering nothing - but Taehyun had seen his eyes. He’d seen the way Yeonjun’s normally bright eyes had darkened and just how exhausted he was down to his soul. 

And for a second, Taehyun almost agreed with him. Honestly, he was just as exhausted and burnt out as Yeonjun was - logic was screaming at him to take the older boy up on his joke, to see a physiatrist just so they can confirm the one thing Taehyun had been fearing all along. 

That this boy wasn’t real. That he was just some figment of his and Yeonjun’s imagination made from the trauma of going through the blip and returning to everything changed. That this boy was just a stand-in for their desperate attempts to find the piece of themselves that had been taken in those five years of nothing. 

The thought had crossed his mind countless times, if he was being honest, and he knew that Yeonjun had felt it as well. It made sense - their brain creating a fake-person for them to focus on as they try to figure out what was missing in themselves. It made so much sense that Taehyun desperately wanted to believe that was the truth. 

He wanted to be told this person wasn’t real, he wanted to be told he made it all up. He wanted to be told that this was all in his head, that the boy he was trying to remember wasn’t real because fuck he was getting so tired of almost reaching it - almost grasping at even a damn intial - only for it be snatched away like it was nothing, like it was not even there in the first place. 

He was just so tired and yet - 

His heart told him that this wasn’t something he made up. That this person was real and that he loved him. And Taehyun trusted his heart - it hadn’t failed him yet, after all. 

He’d keep trying to remember this boy until it was the last thing he could do - 

Which it just might be, judging by the sharp feeling poking at his back and the arm coming around his neck, pressing him back firmly against a leather covered chest.

Oh. He’d forgotten about the recent spike in muggings in his area. How silly of him. 

Beomgyu carefully followed Taehyun's form from a distance, making sure to keep hidden high in the shadows. He couldn't risk being discovered - heck, he could see the headlines now. "Seouls Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man Not So Friendly After All" or "Spider-Man Stalks Young College Student at Night." 

Besides the less-than-savoury headlines, he also didn't want Taehyun to catch wind of him and to confront him - Beomgyu couldn't handle that. What was he supposed to even say?

'Oh sorry! We just used to date and while you don't even remember me anymore, I'm still head-over-heels for you but I'm too scared to actually get to know you again as Beomgyu so I've resorted to hiding behind this mask and making sure you get home safe every night from your shifts -'

Yeah, that explanation only made him sound even worse. And listen, Beomgyu knew it was messed up, ok? He knew that the instant he started doing it months ago but he couldn't help himself! 

This was the only thing he allowed himself - besides the small moments when he got coffee at the cafe allowing himself to let his eyes linger on Taehyun's face for just slightly too long before rushing away before Taehyun decided to finally ask him why Beomgyu stared so much - to have from his old life. Taehyun was his last, and only, connection left in the rubble - even if the younger wasn’t even aware he existed anymore. 

In the beginning, Beomgyu had promised himself one more week. One more week of visiting the cafe, one more week of watching his old life move on without him, one more week of letting himself be close to Taehyun, one more week of clinging to his forgotten identity. 

That week had turned into two, then three, then an entire month passed. Beomgyu had thought it would have been easy to quote unquote ‘burry Choi Beomgyu so Spiderman could live’ - yet every time he even saw a glance of Taehyun, he clung to the small sliver of Choi Beomgyu left behind the mask. 

With Taehyun came an onslaught of emotions; happiness, regret, self-hatred, anger - you name it, and Beomgyu felt it boiling within his chest at some point. Taehyun made him remember everything it meant to be Choi Beomgyu - the good memories, the bad memories, the ones in between - and  that made it just that much harder to pretend that Choi Beomgyu never existed, only Spiderman. 

Kang Taehyun - without even knowing who he was - made him want to be Choi Beomgyu again, even though Choi Beomgyu didn’t matter at all in comparison to Spiderman. 

Beomgyu cursed softly as a bird flew in his path, nearly causing him to swan dive into the pavement of the back alley he’d taken as he barely moved out of the way in time. At the same time, Taehyun paused in his movement, which caused a spike of panic in Beomgyu. Thankfully, it seemed that Taehyun hadn’t, in fact, noticed him as the younger’s pace began again almost immediately. 

Beomgyu followed Taehyun easily, allowing his eyes to linger on the gentle curves of Taehyun’s face under the light of the street lamps. 

He watched as Taehyun shivered, tugging his sweater closer around himself as he walked. Beomgyu recognized that sweater - he'd gifted it to Taehyun. Well, more like Taehyun had 'stolen' it from him and just never gave it back. 

A bittersweet feeling pooled in his chest as he watched the other. More than anything, Beomgyu wanted to just … be with Taehyun. He wanted to exist beside him, to hold his hand and protect him from the world even as Taehyun complained he could take care of himself. He wanted to be Choi Beomgyu, who loved Kang Taehyun more than the sun loved the moon - but he couldn’t. 

Taehyun didn’t even know who he was. All his memories of him - of them - were gone, washed away in some bright light. Taehyun, Yeonjun, Suga - they all forgot him. And, yes, it was his choice but it wasn’t like there was any other choice to make. Beomgyu was Spiderman, he was a hero! He had to make the best decision for the world, not for himself. He wasn’t allowed to be selfish and choose himself. 

He’d spent the last month trying to convince himself that that was for the best; that them not knowing him was the only option, that his existence didn’t matter. And everytime he’d nearly done it, every time he’d almost said ‘goodbye Choi Beomgyu, hello Spiderman’ he’d get that ache in his chest, and he’d remember.

He’d remember every little thing that made him Choi Beomgyu in the first place, from his memories of his parents before they died to the memories of when he first met Yeonjun to the memories of him gaining his powers and losing his uncle all in one week. Every little thing that had made him Spiderman first made him Choi Beomgyu.

Beomgyu landed on the edge of a fire escape, watching as Taehyun turned down the familiar alleyway towards his apartment. He lingered there, contemplating following Taehyun all the way to his apartment building like he did every night. Maybe not following him tonight could be his first step towards someday letting go. He bit his lip, watching as Taehyun got further and further away, getting smaller by the second. 

Maybe this could be it. The small first step of many more steps of letting Kang Taehyun - and subsequently Choi Beomgyu - go. 

He sighed, leaning against the railing next to him slightly as he stared at Taehyun's fading form. He swallowed, shaking his head slightly as tears sprung into his eyes, refusing to break down until he was hidden under the worn cover on his shitty bed at his shitty apartment -

All of his senses seemed to scream at once. At the same time, his enhanced hearing picked up Taehyun's voice. 

"...et me go! I'll give you everything just don't…" Beomgyu was swinging down the alley before he even realized he had moved. 

There, just out of Beomgyu's sight when he was wallowing on the fire escape, was Taehyun being held tightly against some guy with greasy hair and a nasty smile. Across from them was another guy with a crooked nose, a small tattoo under one eye. 

At first, Beomgyu wondered why Taehyun hadn't used any of the self-defense moves he'd so proudly learned (and had used on Beomgyu) but then his eyes caught the small glint coming from his side. 

Greasy Guy had a knife pressed against Taehyun's side. 

A mix of anger and fear pooled into Beomgyu but he forced himself to think this though. He couldn't risk Taehyun getting hurt in the cross-fire of what was happening, he had to make sure —

"This one's pretty," Crooked Guy eyed Taehyun up and down and something churned in Beomgyu’s stomach as he watched the man touch Taehyun's cheek, Taehyun glaring at him and snapping his teeth towards the trailing fingers. Crooked Guy laughed, the sound cruel and echoing, "and feisty. I like them feisty." 

"Fuck off — " Taehyun snapped back, only to wince when Crooked Guy backhanded him, a small scratch appearing from one of the thugs many heavy rings. Still, he glared as Crooked Guy sneered, reaching towards something glinting in his own pocket. 

Beomgyu was moving from the shadows before either of the thugs even realized he was there. He used his webs to drag Greasy Guy's arm behind his back and away from Taehyun, dragging him forward and using the momentum to shove him into Crooked Guy. Both landed in a heap after crashing into a nearby garage bin, the rats squealing loudly at the disturbance.

And maybe Beomgyu shoved them a little too hard, seeing as neither of the disgusting men moved after. He could hear their heartbeats, so at the very least, they were  still alive — they'd just be waking up with very nasty headaches even though they deserved far worse for even thinking about touching Taehyun.

At the thought of the boy, Beomgyu's head snapped around from where he'd been sending death glares at the criminals, eyes frantically searching for him. He hadn't accidentally hurt him, had he? Beomgyu hadn't really thought his plan through, he had just wanted to get those men away from Taehyun as fast as he could — 

Beomgyu felt his breath catch in his throat as his eyes met Taehyun's own. Even in the dim light of the alleyway, Taehyun shone. 

The younger looked like he was somewhat still in shock at what just happened, eyes wide and jaw slightly slack as he glanced at the thugs and back towards Beomgyu a few times. 

Beomgyu swallowed, realizing this was the closest he'd been to Taehyun since he stopped going to the cafe. Gosh, he was so close. 

"...thank you," Taehyun's voice was soft, nothing like the hissing snarl it was before towards the thugs. In fact, Taehyun's entire stance and features had melted into something softer, something more familiar. It made Beomgyu's chest ache, being at the receiving end of such a look again. 

Beomgyu swallowed thickly, hoping his voice didn't sound strained as he spoke, "It was nothing - just, um, just doing my job." 

Taehyun blinked at that. He shuffled slightly closer to Beomgyu, face twisting for a second before he shook his head, "Just because it's something you choose to do, doesn't mean I shouldn't thank you. You probably just saved me from … well something really unpleasant." 

A flare of anger bloomed at that, and Beomgyu turned to glare at the men again, a small sense of satisfaction curling in his stomach at the sight of the nasty bruise on Crooked guys face. 

Beomgyu shook his own head, clearing his throat as he faced Taehyun head on again, slightly startled to find the boy had gotten even closer, "Are you ok? He didn't, you know, get you or anything?" 

Taehyun looked startled slightly at Beomgyu's voice, hand trailing up to touch the skin on his cheek. The cut from the ring had bled some but it wouldn't scar. "Oh, no, I'm fine. Other than this and probably some bruises," 

Beomgyu unknowingly slumped slightly, relief easing the tension that had formed in his shoulders from the mere thought of Taehyun being hurt, "Thank goodness -" his eyes pressed shut briefly, only to shoot open as Taehyun spoke again.

"Beomgyu."