Disappointment
The common area was more lively than usual. When I stepped in, I almost turned back around to my room. I didn’t care much for crowded spaces. When I first came here nearly two years ago, I kept my distance from the rest. Everyone understood, I wasn't the first to arrive with physical and metaphorical baggage. No one batted an eye when I didn't join them for dinner or training. It was hard to believe that I've grown so comfortable here. It was terrifying. I had never settled down anywhere after I left my home. Like I said, I don't like disappointments.
I was much less introverted now, but I still had a small part of me that shrinks at the thought of socializing.
But I really needed a coffee.
I took comfort in the fact that Barton was also enduring the chaos to get something to eat from the pantry. I looked at him as I walked by the the coffee maker; oh. No hearing aids. That’s how he could tolerate it.
Loki and Thor were talking loudly, they usually did. Something about Asgardians, they took up much more space than regular humans.
I turned on the coffee maker and waited, leaning my elbows on the island. I saw a gentle wave in my peripheral; Barton.
I turned my attention to him, what is he saying? I can’t read his lips, he signed and gestured at Loki.
ASL was always something that I kept in my back pocket, but Clint had let me practice with him when he was around the compound after he saw how horrendous I was at it.
I signed back, Because they’re speaking Asgardian, something insufferable no doubt, I rolled my eyes then looked back to Clint to give him a small smile.
He smiled back, when is he not insufferable?
I gave a laugh, yes yes.
Our small laughs without context drew attention from the others in the room. Thor looked towards me, his face bright as always, ‘why are you laughing? Did I miss a joke? What are you doing with your hands?’
Clint saw my eyes look past him and he moved so he could see the rest of the room; I signed and spoke, ‘sign language, Barton doesn’t have his hearing aids in.’
Loki gave me a mischievous grin, ‘ah, so he can’t hear me say red isn’t his colour?’ He gestured to Clint’s shirt.
Clint gave me a look, insufferable.
I laughed, ‘no, but he can read your lips.’
Loki shook the embarrassment off of himself to regain his defaulted devious persona, ‘well, at least he can’t say anything in retaliation then.’
Clint turned to me and signed, making me laugh again. Clint could, in fact, say something. Being hard of hearing didn’t inhibit his ability to talk. He never let anyone know that though, he liked the social deterrent it created.
Loki made another face. He can be such a child when he isn’t the one winning.
‘I knew a bit of ASL before I met Clint, but he’s been helping me learn more’ I looked to Clint when he waved my attention and started to sign as I translated for the rest, ‘she was really shitty at it before she met me, she had to spell out a lot of words alphabetically, pitiful- hey! Don’t be rude’ I furrowed my brow and him and he gave a teasing smile.
I couldn’t help but envy the fact that he could very easily tune out the world whenever he liked. I enjoyed solitude, the best I could do was tuck myself away in my room and latch the door. That type of silence and distance wasn’t nearly enough for me some times.
Clint eventually went back to his room, and I spent some time showing Thor a bit of ASL. ‘- and, see, your name spelled out would be T-H-O-R,’ I illustrated by signing the letters, ‘it can be a mouthful sometimes, so a lot of deaf people use initials or a descriptive word. Only someone who’s deaf can give you one though.’
‘Has Barton given me one? I would like to see how often he signs my name when he thinks I can’t understand him’ Loki pepped up from behind the book he was reading.
I gave a light short laugh before signing, insufferable.
***
'I never knew you spent time with Barton' it wasn't a question, but he let the silence hang as he waited for my answer.
It was a cold day, the wind cut against my cheeks and the leaves gave in satisfyingly under my boots.
I shrugged, 'not often, he's with his family a lot more lately. We don't talk much, we just get along.' Loki gave a low hum; he was watching his feet walk slowly underneath himself. With his eyebrows furrowed and hands in his pockets he looked rather dissatisfied with my answer. My mouth turned slowly upward and I narrowed my eyes at him, 'are you... jealous?'
He immediately looked down at me, one eyebrow raised, 'don't be ridiculous, I am not that fragile' he scoffed.
I gave a little laugh, 'oh you totally are,' I shoved him with my shoulder playfully, 'what, you think I don't have any other friends?'
'No of course not, I just have never seen the two of you together before. It was just a question, stop being juvenile' he said in a huff.
I laughed again, 'don't get so worked up, I'm just teasing you. Clint's like my dad. Well, not like my real dad, obviously. What, are you scared your replaceable?'
This time he let out a little smile, 'replaceable as what?' He tilted his head down at me.
I shrugged, 'I don't know, as my friend?'
He laughed, 'you're allowed to have more than one friend, love.'
I smiled back and looked down at my feet, it was starting to get dark out. I pulled my jacket closer to me, 'Well yeah I know that. I'm not good at it you know, having friends.'
'Oh, I am painfully aware.' I bumped my shoulder into his arm for his sarcastic comment.
Our laughs faded and I let the silence hang in the cool evening air for a few moments. The only sounds were the wind and the leaves crunching under our path.
I finally said, in a slow and quiet manner, 'I'm scared I'm going to get too comfortable.'
Loki stopped walking. I stopped just after and turned to him. I felt vulnerable and small. Two things that I absolutely hated feeling. It went against every instinct of mine to not backtrack what I had said and change the subject.
He looked down at me with kind eyes, 'what do you mean by that?'
I took another minute before saying slowly, 'I have this feeling that one day, I'm going to get used to having a life here and it's going to get ripped away from me. I'm scared to face that type of disappointment again.'
Loki bridged the gap between us, and slowly raised both his hands to my face. He looked in my eyes with sincerity, and gently leaned down to graze my forehead with his lips for a small kiss. 'I can promise you, that no matter what happens, you're going to be stuck with me. I'd never leave you like that' he said, his lips still against my forehead.
I closed my eyes and breathed out as Loki kept his hands resting on my cheek bones, 'are trickster gods known for keeping promises?' I finally asked, curling my lips into a slight teasing smile.
He gave a small one syllable laugh, 'you're just going to have to trust me on this one, love.'