What If
When I wasn't with Loki, I was thinking of Loki.
Thinking about what he was doing, thinking about if he would like the book I was reading, thinking about what his life on Asgard was like, thinking about what cologne he used, thinking about whether or not he was thinking of me. God, I was cringing at myself. I was starting to sound like a teenager. But he was an infection, poisoning my brain and my life until he was all consuming.
And I didn't even mind.
It was infuriating. Every second we spend together, every time he grazed by me, leaned against me, looked at me with that softness in his eyes, I craved more. More than a lingering touch, more than just a kiss on the cheek, more of him looking at me like I was the only thing in the world that he liked to look at. Just thinking of it made my stomach turn inside itself.
It was terrifying. I had never felt this before, this pull to another person. I had a hard enough time getting closer to people, I had no idea how to deal with what I was feeling for Loki now. Should I even act on it? Maybe I'm just so damaged that when a person shows me an ounce of warmth and security that I just fall into them. Maybe it would pass. Maybe it would ruin everything that we already have. Maybe he didn't feel the same. Maybe.
There it is again, the disappointment. I am my own worst enemy.
I closed my eyes and let out a slow, even breath. I'm done thinking today.
I looked at my clock; 3:42 am. I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep anytime soon.
I grabbed my sweater, his sweater, and went to go wander the compound.
I wasn't sure where I needed to be, so I followed my feet until they took me to the library.
I had read just about everything of interest on the shelves, but I browsed them anyway. Letting my hands graze the spines aimlessly as I walked the shelves. Just being here made my thoughts settle.
I wandered for a few minutes longer until I was interrupted by the instinctual feeling of not being alone.
I kept my back to him, knowing he was the only other person who would be out of bed. I gave a small smile that he wouldn't see, 'we don't sleep well. Anything keeping you up tonight?'
I turned to him and saw that he was smiling back at me, 'I had this feeling that what I was craving would not be found in my chambers tonight. Find anything interesting?' He nodded at the bookcase behind me.
I wanted to ask him if he thought I was what he was craving or if he meant the library itself. I just shrugged, 'Tony needs to update his collections.'
He looked at me for a moment before stepping into the library towards me saying, 'something is keeping you up. You've been thinking.' Never a question, but always waiting for an answer.
I turned back to the bookcase, I was very unsettled by the way he seemed to read my mind. It always made me feel vulnerable. 'I was thinking that I need a reason to stop thinking.' I pulled a random book down to busy myself.
'Ah, that-' he took the book from my hands, 'will definitely put you to sleep.' He turned a corner of his mouth up slightly and put the book back into its respective place on the shelf, taking a minute to find and pull down another. 'This one is much more suited for your intent,' he handed it to me, and I couldn't help but notice how very little distance there was between us.
I looked up at him and for a moment I wondered what would happen if I closed the gap. If I let myself fall into something that terrified me beyond reason. If I looked past the fear of future misery to entertain the idea that things might fall into place if I was bold enough to allow it.
I had been looking at him too long, exposed, and I had to say/do/be something.
I took in a small breath, 'Loki...'
An alarm on my phone rang out aggressively as FRIDAY's voice commanded across the compound, 'Attention, all notified personnel report to the third floor hangar. Attention, all notified personnel report to the third floor hangar.'
'Fuck, I've gotta go,' I set the book Loki handed to me and pulled away from him. My head was spinning.
He grabbed my arm and looked me in my eyes with sincerity, 'be careful, I need you back here in one piece.'
I nodded and gave him a small smile as I ran out of the library and towards the hangar, using my magic to conjure my suit and weapons towards me from my room. They flew into my hands as I caught up to Nat, Bucky, Clint, and Steve.