I’m sorry
She couldn't bring herself to accept her family's forgiveness no matter how many times they said it. It broke her heart every time she had to look at Sersi smiling and just being Sersi. Sprite couldn't even stand behind the woman without looking somewhere other than her back. She had to constantly stop her hands from reaching forward, trying to feel a shadow of the wound that was once there. And it still would be, if Sersi was a normal human being.
Thank Arishem that she wasn’t.
Sersi was an eternal. And alive because of it. Sprite’s mind was already a constant whirlwind of emotions because she had stabbed Sersi. She didn’t know if she could’ve taken it if she had killed her.
Sprite didn’t understand.
Maybe it was because she had spent too many years as a child, but she didn't think she should be feeling this way. She was the one who stabbed her own family in the back, and now she was the one having nightmares as a result of her own actions. She was naive to believe that those who had to relive these bad moments were only those who were hurting and not those who had hurt others.
On the other hand, she wanted to feel this way. She would’ve hated herself more if she had just forgiven herself and moved on as if nothing happened.
Though it didn’t seem to be a problem for her family.
They moved on, returned to their normal lives, and perhaps the most difficult part for her to understand was,
They returned to treating her as if she were one of their own.
She’d get a “have a good day at school!” from Kingo, Karun warmly asking her various questions on their way to and back from school and quite frequent phone calls from the others. The most difficult parts were when Sersi and Dane came to visit, and Sprite had to look Sersi in the eyes and be scooped up into one of the most heartfelt hugs she had ever experienced.
She’d be fine for the first few hours but then she’d have to excuse herself, saying she got homework and assignments she couldn’t procrastinate on any longer. But then Sersi’s brief visits started turning into longer week-long ones, and Sprite would ask Kingo to let her stay over at Stella’s house. Spitting excuses that she had promised her best friend to come over, or that she would have more focus studying for the midterms if she stayed over in a less busy household.
Going over to Stella’s didn’t help as she would still feel wrong.
She thought asking for forgiveness would solve everything, but it didn’t. Not when Sersi didn’t even let her finish her apology but quickly stopped her, repeating again and again that she had nothing to apologize for and that all was forgiven. Sprite would put on a tight-lipped smile and go back to Stella’s house when all she wanted to do was scream at Sersi’s face.
Stop it! You’re not helping me!
Stella didn’t know in the slightest what Sprite had done. Probably thinking it was something trivial that often happened between family members. But she didn’t belittle her, or her frequent apologies. Not even knowing what it was that Sprite was apologizing for. And not being able to forgive her for it.
It went on for quite a while till it was almost as if she was living in Stella’s house and had sleepovers in her own.
One day she went home to pick up some school things she needed while Sersi and Dane were away visiting Kingo in one of his new movie sets.
She was caught off guard when Druig was the one opening the door and not Karun- as he was more often than not, always at home.
“Druig, what are you doing here?” She asked, eyeing him up and down.
“Makkari wanted to see Kingo’s new movie in the making.” He answered. He didn’t make any move to get out of the way so Sprite maneuvered herself to slip past him.
Before she could get far, he called out to her. “Still running away?”
She looked back at him. “No one’s running away.”
He hummed. “You are.”
“No, I’m not.” She huffed.
“Really? Cause I heard you haven’t been home for a long while and now I see you sneaking back home-“
“-I wasn’t sneaking-“
“-You need to talk Sprite. Unlike me, the others can’t just understand what you’re thinking. But they’re surely getting better at reading you. They know you feel guilty sprite. We know. It's hard not to notice when you won’t even look at me even now!”
She raised her head as the volume of his voice increased at the end. Noticing her alertness, he forced himself to relax as he leaned back on the wall beside the still-opened door.
Taking a deep breath, he continued. “But unlike them, I don’t understand the point of teetering between confronting you or giving you time when it’s clear that giving you time is doing no good whatsoever.”
So, he was here to confront her. Which was both something she wanted and dreaded at the same time.
She knew deep down opening up would hurt like hell, but it would do her good in the long run. But, running away would be so much more easier….
“There’s nothing to talk about.” She moved to go upstairs.
He caught her elbow. His voice sounded cold as he told her, “I was there remember? I was there when you stabbed Sersi.”
She choked and gaped at Druig. Never before had she heard what she had done spoken aloud – because everyone else seemed to avoid the subject. She felt like crying but Druig wouldn’t let her go, and she had too much stupid pride in her to completely break down in front of him.
Opposite to what she wanted before, she felt the need to defend herself. “I already said sorry-“
“An apology isn’t enough for what you did.”
But she was forgiven.
“-Sersi forgave me- “
“-Of course, she did. Even if you had destroyed the earth with your actions, she would have forgiven you. She’s Sersi. But you were cruel Sprite. You betrayed us. You hurt us.”
She could feel the tears now freely running down her face. “I’m sorry.”
Without missing a beat Druig replied sharply. “Sorry isn’t enough.”
But she was forgiven!
A sob escaped her mouth, and her knees gave out. But she found herself falling gently to the ground, as Druig kept a hold on her forearm. He continued. The softness in his voice, a contrast to his tone before. “But you knew that already, didn’t you? You don’t want to be forgiven because it isn’t enough. Enough for Sersi maybe, but not for me,”
She was outright wailing at this point, and she couldn’t make out Druig’s figure through her wall of tears. Maybe he was scowling at her. Maybe he hated her. Maybe he wasn’t looking at her at all.
But his next words brought a pause to her cries. “…and it isn’t enough for you.”
She doesn’t want to be forgiven. Not yet.
She could hear Druig’s tired sigh as he let go of her arm and settled somewhere in front of her.
“Forgiveness goes both ways Sprite. Mainly it goes to the one who’s giving forgiveness, yes, but it is necessary for the one asking for it to accept it too.”
Sprite had hurt mainly Sersi, in a physical way. But she had hurt the others just as badly. Had bluntly left without a word goodbye and didn’t even once turn her back.
Before she could stop herself, she had already uttered another apology towards him.
“I can’t truly forgive you if you yourself don’t want to be forgiven, Sprite.” He answered.
“Think about that before you give out any more apologies,” he stood up and offered his hand to help her “now get up and sit on the couch or somewhere. For a ‘movie star’, Kingo’s house floors are filthy.”
She took it.