Exile

“But people like me love only ghosts. If I ever loved a human being—I would soon go to ruin.” —Friedrich Nietzsche

Steve stared at the antique ring on his finger. He wondered where Bucky had gotten it, but he hadn’t asked yet. He was curious, but he was more worried about Bucky. 

Bucky had been having more and more nightmares. Most nights, Bucky wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed as Steve. He wasn’t eating like he should, and he looked like he was in pain. He would kiss Steve but nothing more.

Steve didn’t know what to do. He really hoped that somehow the Howlies would get through to Bucky where he couldn’t. 

“You’re sure you’ll be alright?” Bucky asked. 

“I’m sure.” Steve smiled at his Alpha’s overprotectiveness. “Sam’s coming over for dinner and a movie. We’ll be fine.”

Bucky nodded. He trusted Sam for the most part. 

“How bout you? Excited for tonight?”

“I guess.” Bucky shrugged.

“You gotta talk to someone,” Steve said softly. “You won’t talk to Sam or me. You’re hurting yourself holding everything inside. The Howlies have been through more than most. If anyone can relate to what you’ve been through, it’s them.”

Bucky hugged Steve. “I don’t deserve you.”

Steve kissed his chin. “I don’t care.”

“I don’t want to go,” Bucky whispered. “I-I’m not who they remember.”

“Buck, they’re all the family you have left.” Steve thought of his ma. “They’ll love you no matter what.”

Bucky nodded. “Ok. I’m going to go. You’re sure you’ll be alright?”

“I’m sure.” Steve pulled his Alpha down for a kiss. Lingering in the scent of pine and snow, his heart filled with love. 

Looking back at Steve and Peggy, Bucky remembered they were why he had to do this. “I love you.”

“Love you.” Steve watched him go, wishing that Bucky would deal with what he needed to. 

Sam arrived only a few minutes after Bucky had left. 

***

The Howlies had asked Sam and Steve if they could use the VA building after hours. They wanted a space that was familiar to Sarge. 

Dum Dum told them everything he knew which wasn’t much, but they all knew that Steve was worried. Trusting their captain, they were prepared to go to war. Recovery is just as much of war as the battlefield. 

The Asset, James, Jamie, Bucky hesitated outside the door. His metal hand flexed as he considered the doorknob. He wasn’t sure if he was more afraid that they wouldn’t know him, or that they would know him after all this time. 

“C’mon, Sarge,” Dum Dum said softly. “We’ve been waiting a long time for you to come home.”

Every single one of the Howling Commandos stood as Sargent James Buchanan Barnes walked into the room. They saluted, standing at attention. 

“At ease,” Bucky said softly.

They were older, but they were so familiar. 

“You don’t look a day over twenty,” Jim whispered. 

“What the hell did they do to you?” Falsworth asked. 

“Hydra.” Happy blinked back tears. Had everything they fought for been for naught?

“C’est assez de chagrin (That is enough grief),” Frenchie said. “Il est vivant et libre (He is alive and free).”

They were sitting in a circle, staring at him. 

“What happened? H-How are you alive?” Pinky asked. 

Bucky didn’t know how to tell them, so he showed them. Taking off his long-sleeve shirt and glove, his metal arm was bare for the first time since he’d escaped Hydra. 

“Vous êtes l’assassin (You are the assassin)!” Frenchie gasped. 

“They called me the Winter Soldier,” Bucky said softly. “B-But I didn’t know my own name. I-I was their asset. I k-killed who they ordered me to.” 

“Why?” Falsworth asked. “Why did you do it?”

“I didn’t have a choice,” Bucky’s voice cracked. “I-I wasn’t in control. I didn’t know right from wrong. I didn’t remember who I was. I-I didn’t know anything but pain.”

Dum Dum laid a hand on his shoulder. “You were a prisoner of war for seventy years. You did what you had to do to survive. You didn’t have a choice.”

“I know,” Bucky whispered. “But I still did it.”

***

“Steve, why on earth would you say yes!” Sam asked, anger creeping into his voice. 

“I love him,” Steve said. “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

“I want to be,” Sam said. “But you barely know him!”

Maybe, that was true, Steve admitted to himself. He didn’t know James, Jamie, or even Bucky that well. But Sarah always told him that love was like a garden. You had to water and tend it to make it bloom.  

Bucky was a good man. He’d proven that to Steve, so he deserved some trust even if he didn’t tell Steve everything. 

“I know enough.” Steve smiled. “Ma married Da after only knowing him for a few weeks.”

Sam sighed. “I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“I know, but he won’t hurt me. I’m more worried about him hurting himself,” Steve whispered. “I really hope the Howlies can get through to him.”

“He’s started talking a bit more during group,” Sam said. 

Steve didn’t ask, but he wanted to. 

“He talks a lot bout his ma and sister,” Sam continued. “But it doesn’t make sense.”

“W-What do you mean?” Steve asked. 

“He says his ma made a wacky cake like from the Depression,” Sam explained. “He says he’s surprised by how expensive everything is. Says bananas and coke taste different. Like I said it’s nonsense.”

“At least, he’s talking,” Steve said. 

***

“What are you going to tell Cap?” Dum Dum asked. 

Bucky shook his head. “Nothing. I-I can’t tell him any of it.”

“He could handle it,” Jim said. 

“I couldn’t,” Bucky said. “I don’t deserve him. I’m barely human.”

“Et pourtant, vous l’aimez (And yet, you love him).” Frenchie smiled. “Et il t’aime (And he loves you).”

“I keep thinking how much my ma would’ve loved him,” Bucky whispered. “I didn’t mean to fall in love, but he’s like the sun. He makes all the darkness of the last seventy years easier to bear.”

“You should tell him,” Dum Dum said. 

“He’s in danger just knowing me,” Bucky whispered. “But if he knew everything… I don’t know if I could protect him.”

“It’s not you versus the world anymore,” Falsworth said. “You have us.”

“We’ll keep our Captain and Sarge safe,” Dum Dum promised. 

***

Steve was sketching, pretending he wasn’t just waiting for Bucky to come home. 

Peggy was finally sleeping in her toddler bed. She probably would wake up in the middle of the night. She didn’t like sleeping in a different room from Steve, and Steve didn’t have the heart to force her to self-soothe… 

Bucky plopped onto the couch next to Steve. He struggled with touch sometimes, but he couldn’t help himself. 

Steve sighed in contentment. “How did it go?”

“Good,” Bucky said softly. 

“I’m glad.” Steve wiggled until he was lying on top of Bucky. 

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said softly. “I know I’ve been worrying you.”

Steve pressed a soft kiss against his lips. “I love you, of course, I worry.”

“I don’t know how to talk about it,” Bucky confessed. “I wasn’t allowed to for so long, and I don’t even know where to start.”

“I want to know,” Steve confessed. “I want to know you, but I know better than most what it’s like tearing yourself apart. There’s stuff I haven’t told you about.”

“I-I didn’t want to go to war,” Bucky whispered. “I was drafted. I think I liked science, but I don’t remember before. Not really.”

Steve frowned. He didn’t think there’d been a draft for decades… 

“I-I remember the cold so clearly.” Bucky shivered. 

Steve hugged him. “That’s enough for now.”

Bucky kissed him. “I want you to know me, but I’m afraid once you will, you won’t be able to love me anymore.”

 “That’s not how love works,” Steve promised. “A part of me loves Tony despite everything he did. And I love my parents even though they left me alone. And I’ll love you till the end of the line.”

***

Growling, Tony threw a stack of papers from his desk. “Jarvis, pull up everything we have on the Winter Soldier. Now pull up a picture of Steve’s boyfriend.” 

The two pictures were side by side, making the similarities even more obvious. Two men with dark hair and brown eyes. Interestingly enough, they both had long hair…

“What’s the boyfriend’s name again?” Tony asked. 

“I believe Mr. Rogers introduced him as James.” 

“What’s the Winter Soldier’s name,” Tony asked. 

“James Buchanan Barnes,” Jarvis replied. 

“So, they’re both named James?” Tony cocked his head, that was a pretty big coincidence, especially since they looked like they could be related or possibly the same person.

“Yes, though it is a very popular name. In fact, it has been among the top ten boys’ names every single decade except for two.” Jarvis found it amusing. 

“Run facial analysis on the Jameses.” Tony didn’t care, but he needed the Avengers’ help to kill the man who’d killed his mom. 

“They are a match. The Winter Soldier is Steve’s boyfriend,” Jarvis confirmed. 

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE ASAP

TARGET AQUIRED: WINTER SOLDIER

***

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