Exile

“I love anything that haunts me… and never leaves.” —Jeff Buckley

During his captivity, Bucky hadn’t remembered holidays. So, he wasn’t expecting the following months. 

Halloween 

Bucky had been reading a book about Alphas, Omegas, and Pups , waiting for Steve and Peggy to get home. He was trying not to worry they were only twenty minutes late… He perked up when he heard Steve’s light stomps and huffing breath. The last thing he expected to see was Steve carrying Peggy and shopping bags. 

Steve so rarely bought anything but necessities. “Oh, good, you’re home! I can’t wait to show you what I got!”

Bucky grinned, holding his hands out for Peg. 

Steve laughed as their baby girl squealed and held her arms out for Bucky. Handing her over, he sat with his legs crossed and pulled out something colorful.

Bucky cocked his head. 

“I got us all costumes for tonight!” Steve pulled out two cowboy hats, plaid shirts, wranglers, and a little cow onesie. 

“Tonight?” Bucky asked. 

“It’s Halloween, silly.” Steve teased. 

“Oh.” Bucky looked at Peggy to see if she knew what her oma was going on about. 

She blew a spit bubble. 

“We better get changed. I want to stop by Howard’s and the Howlies. Now, do you wanna get the little monster wrangled into her costume, or me?” Steve asked. 

“I’ll do it,” Bucky said, kissing Peggy’s soft locks. He might not understand what was going on, but even he could admit Peggy looked adorable in her black and white costume. 

But Steve looked downright sinful. “I’m going to feed her while you get changed.”

Bucky hummed, staring at Steve’s chest peeking through his unbuttoned plaid shirt.

“Get dressed, and maybe I’ll let you lasso me tonight.” Steve was so pretty when he blushed. 

This was not how Bucky had envisioned his night, but the obvious joy on Steve and Peggy’s faces was worth it. Holding the camera steady, he watched as Steve knocked on the door. “Trick or treat!”

Howard opened the door with a big grin. “Oh, let me see that little gremlin!”

Peggy squealed with delight at seeing her grandpa. 

Howard kissed her face, tickling her with his beard. “Let me get a picture of all three of you.”

Bucky handed him their camera and wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulder. Peggy’s face was concentrated. 

“Now, that’s a keeper!” Howard laughed passing it over. 

“Oh, no, not the poopy face!” Steve exclaimed. “I’m gonna have to change her real quick.”

“Take your time, son,” Howard said, looking closer at Bucky. “I’ve been meaning to have a chat with your new beau anyway.”

“Be nice,” Steve called over his shoulder as he and Peggy disappeared into Howard’s apartment. 

“You know there’s something real familiar about you,” Howard said. 

Bucky shrugged. 

“I will say I’ve never seen that boy happier,” Howard said thoughtfully. “Keep it that way.” 

“Yes, sir,” Bucky said. 

Steve and Peggy were ready soon after that. Steve looked between Howard and Bucky. “Everything good?”

“Everything’s perfect, doll,” Bucky whispered softly and kissed his cheek. 

Howard smiled. “You take Monday off?”

“I can’t do that,” Steve said. 

“I insist!” Howard squeezed his hand. “You enjoy some time with your family.”

The Howlies lived relatively close to each other. 

Steve was a little surprised when Dum Dum pulled Bucky into a hug. In fact, he was pulled into a hug by every Howling Commando they met that night. He couldn’t help but wonder…

Thanksgiving

Bucky’s memories were scattered, but he vaguely remembered his mother cooking. 

Winnifred Barnes only learned to cook after she married George Barnes. She learned through trial and error, but compared to army rations, George found her cooking wonderful. With the arrivals of Bucky, Becca, Betty, and Ben, food became the very life source of the Barnes household. They weren’t rich by any means, but they never went without. Thanksgiving was one of the few occasions when the Barnes clan would gather in its entirety. Bucky learned if he played quietly in the kitchen and offered to help where he could his mother would offer him spoonfuls of potatoes and yams. Bites of turkey and gravy before everyone else. And his favorite, apple pie.

The Rogers’ Thanksgivings had always been a small affair. Sarah simply couldn’t afford to waste money on food when Steve needed his medication so badly. 

So, Steve was surprised when he came home from work to find Bucky single-handedly a Thanksgiving feast. 

It was more than the two of them could ever eat. 

But Bucky had thought of that as well. He arranged to share the meal with the Howlies and the veterans in his group. 

All of them had so much to be thankful for. 

Christmas 

Steve couldn’t believe this was Peggy’s first Christmas. He’d always been fond of Christmas because it was one of the few days he had his ma all to himself. She never worked on Christmas. 

Bucky was blue. He still refused to talk about his past in group sessions, and he blatantly refused to entertain the idea of sharing it with Steve. But his nightmares were getting worse. He wasn’t sleeping the whole night through. More often than not, Steve had woken up to a cold and empty nest. Some nights, Steve woke up to blood-curdling screams; some nights, Steve woke up to a hurricane of sobs that could drown the ocean. 

Steve didn’t know what to do. It killed him that Bucky was hurting so much. “J-Just talk to me, Buck.”

Bucky shook his head. “No.”

Steve sighed. “You can’t keep it inside of you. It’s eating you alive.”

But Bucky wouldn’t hear it. 

“At least talk about it in your sessions,” Steve begged. He knew what happened to veterans who bottled it all up. 

Bucky hugged him. He kissed a tear from Steve’s face. “I’m fine. I promise.”

They both knew he was lying. 

“What’s the matter?” Howard asked. He hadn’t seen Steve looking so down in months. 

“I-I’m just worried about Jamie,” Steve whispered. “He’s not talking in group, and he won’t talk to me. And h-he isn’t doing well.”

Howard frowned. “Are you and Peggy safe?”

“What?” Steve gasped. 

“He wound’t hurt you, would he?” Howard asked. He could still taste the liquor on his lips…

“No, no of course not!” Steve shivered. “I-I’m afraid he’ll hurt himself.”

Howard patted his shoulder. “You can’t force him to talk. You just have to weather the storm and be there when he’s ready.”

“Cap, you alright?” Dum Dum asked. 

Steve took a shuddering breath. “No, I’m real worried about Buck.”

The Howlies shared a look. One war always equals one more. Sometimes, the war after the war was even harder. 

“Don’t you worry, Cap. We’ll take care of our Sarge,” Falsworth said. 

After work, Steve and Bucky picked out a Christmas tree. They got home and decorated it. 

Peggy stared at the colorful lights in wonder. She kept reaching for the ornaments.

Bucky picked her up and distracted her with a teddy bear. He stared at the lights too, unable to wrap his head around it. 

“The Howlies wanted to invite you to dinner,” Steve said carefully. “After the holidays.”

Bucky nodded. “That’s nice of em.”

Steve played with Bucky’s hair. “You’re sure you’re alright?”

Bucky kissed Steve’s hand. “I’m sorry. I-I’ve just been thinking about my family. I guess I just didn’t realize how much I missed them.”

Steve tightened his arms around Bucky. “I know what you mean.” 

Watching Peggy babble at the Christmas lights, they wished their loved ones had lived just a little longer. It wasn’t fair that they’d never gotten a chance to see how holidays change. 

Christmas Day was just the three of them. They were all dressed in plaid pjs. Bucky savored the orange in his stocking and kissed Steve hard, tasting of citrus. Steve tried not to cry as his baby girl opened her first presents. Peggy didn’t quite understand what the fuss was all about, but she loved playing with the wrapping paper. 

Bucky was nervous as he handed Steve a small, badly wrapped present.

Steve unwrapped it carefully with every intention of saving the wrapping paper. He gasped. “B-Buck!”

Bucky was already kneeling. “You’re everything I dreamt for. You were worth the last century of pain. Marry me?”

Steve didn’t quite understand Bucky’s words. But it didn’t matter. He loved him; he didn’t need to know the rest of it yet. “M-My present can’t possibly compare.” Steve’s voice shook as he stared at the ring on his finger. 

Bucky was quiet for a long moment after unwrapping his gift. 

Steve had painted all three of them. “I know we don’t have any family left, but we’re family now.” 

Bucky kissed him. “Mine.” 

***

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