saudade

As Harry entered the flat he used to share with Peter, he wanted to flee. Seeing his home, the place that brought him so much comfort, knowing all that was just another lie, another trick in Peter’s mad game, hurt him physically. His stomach clenched, his heart cramped.

The sight of the sofa where he so often fell asleep in Peter’s arms made him swallow hard. Harry had felt safe and now he’d never feel safe again. The pictures that either hang on the wall or stood on little tables or sideboards broke the remaining pieces of his heart even more.

Most of them showed Peter and Harry, arms wrapped around each other, smiling in the camera. Other pictures that were taken by MJ or Aunt May showed them holding hands or cuddling. The one that hurt him the most showed them kissing, the sunset behind them.

Harry remembered those moments as if they happened only minutes ago. Moments where he was genuinely happy – fake.

Not a single one of them was real.

He took the picture of the kiss and pressed it against his heart. A tear rolled down his cheek. “Why do you hate me so much?”, he shouted into the void and threw the picture on the floor.

He ran upstairs to pack his things. He had to leave this place as soon as possible. But entering the bedroom made everything worse.

Seeing the bed they used to share … Harry was disgusted of himself. How blind he had been. As the idiot he was, he fell for Peter’s lies. His father had always been right. Harry was stupid and weak.

But he’d never be weak again. He’ll make Peter pay.

Harry opened the closet and packed his clothes. Some of his hoodies smelled like Peter so he left them in the closet as well as clothes he knew Peter liked to see him wear. He’d be disgusted to wear them anyway. It would only hurt him. Harry quickly packed his other things and left the flat without looking back.

From now on, he’d never trust anyone ever again.

Peter spent the night on the rooftop, but he was freezing so much that he knew he had to return to the flat to get some clothes and food.

He needed to inform Aunt May about MJ’s death and Harry had the right to know it too but visiting him was probably not the best idea. Not after what Harry said to him yesterday but he had to talk with him. He had to get him back.

As Peter entered the flat, he knew something was wrong. Someone has been here while he was away and as he picked up the picture lying on the floor, he knew who.

Harry had thrown away the picture of their kiss. It was Peter’s favourite picture of them. His fingers gently touched the scratches on the glass. “I never wanted to hurt you, Harry.”

Peter had an assumption of what he had done here. As he entered the bedroom, it got confirmed. Harry had packed his things.

No. It meant he had officially lost him.

Some of Harry’s clothes were left behind. Did it mean their relationship wasn’t totally destroyed? Was there still a chance to get Harry back?

Peter took one of Harry’s shirts and buried his face in it. Harry’s smell was still present.

Peter couldn’t hold back his tears. As he closed his eyes it almost felt like Harry was there. He wished he was. Peter wished Harry was there to hold him in his arms and comfort him. He wished he was there to ease his pain.

Harry’s arms meant home to him and knowing that there was little to no chance to get back home hurt.

He took one of Harry’s hoodies and put it on. It was a bit too big since Harry was taller than him, but he could imagine Harry was there.

Peter went to bed, curled up in the hoodie and cried to let out all his pain and guilt. He knew he couldn’t stay in this flat, knowing it won’t ever be like it used to be.

As long as Peter was looking for a new flat, he lived with Aunt May. She was the one who kept him going. She helped him not to drown in grief and guilt.

Peter would move into a new flat tomorrow. It was a small, run-down apartment but he took it since he couldn’t stand the loneliness in their old flat anymore.

But today, Peter needed much more strength. It was the day of MJ’s funeral.

When they arrived at the graveyard, he stood apart. The majority of the guests formed a circle around John Jameson. He didn’t want to be confronted with him when so many people were around them.

Harry laid a bunch of flowers on the grave. “Thank you for being my friend, MJ.”

“You must be Harry, one of her high school friends, right?”, John Jameson asked.

Harry nodded and rubbed his eyes to wipe the tears away. “What happened? She was so happy lately and she was really looking forward to your wedding. We wanted to meet at the weekend.”

“She was kidnapped by Doc Ock and got killed. Spider-Man couldn’t save her”, John explained.

Harry clenched his jaw. “I’m sorry. Thank you for making MJ happy. I haven’t seen her that happy for so long.”

“Thank you.” John let out a sob.

They shook hands.

When no one was looking, Peter approached the grave and knelt before it. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I won’t ever forget myself for this. You wanted to marry, and I destroyed everything.”

“Peter Parker?”

Peter turned around and looked into John’s face. He got up and cleared his throat. “Yes? I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Why did you let it happen? You were with her that afternoon.”

A lump formed in Peter’s throat. “She was on the way to you, and I was on my way back home. I didn’t know what was about to happen.”

“You should’ve accompanied her home! You were the last one who saw her. It’s your fault”, John exclaimed.

“Do you think I wanted to lose her? She was my best friend and I miss her too”, Peter yelled and let out a sob. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to yell at you. You’re going through a hard time.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t want to blame you. It’s just …”

“I know”, Peter assured him, “Can I do anything for you?”

John shook his head. “Thank you for coming.”

“Of course. MJ was important to me.” Peter laid a rose on the grave before he left.

Peter was waiting for Aunt May at the entrance to the graveyard as Harry approached him. He swallowed.

“Harry, I- I miss you. We need to talk”, he whispered.

“Leave me alone. You killed her too. You’re a disease. I don’t want to be your next victim”, Harry spat.

Peter didn’t know what to say. He took Harry’s hand. “Don’t leave me, please.”

Harry snatched his hand away from him. “You lied. You lied and lied and lied and I, the fucking idiot that I was, believed you. Guess what? I’m not that person anymore. No one will save you from your fault. I will be the person who ends your misery. I’ll make you pay for what you’ve done.” Harry pushed him so Peter fell on the ground before he left.

“Peter, what happened? Are you okay, dear?”, Aunt May asked as she saw him on the ground.

“Yes, don’t worry”, he quickly shut her off as he got up. “It’s nothing.”

“Let’s get you home.” She eyed him worriedly and guided him to the car.

During the whole ride, Peter couldn’t stop thinking about the incident with Harry, about what he said to him.

Peter knew Harry’s words weren’t just a threat.

They were a promise.