saudade

“Sir, can I help you? Do you need anything?”, Bernard asked as Harry entered the mansion.

“Leave me alone.”

“Harry, you’ve been alone for so long. I’m there for you.”

“You can leave now. Your wife’s probably waiting for you”, Harry shut him off.

Bernard understood his presence wasn’t desired. “All right. Good night, Sir.”

“Good night.”

Harry let him stand in the entrance hall and went upstairs. After MJ’s funeral, he immediately went to work and now he just wanted to be alone. The message of MJ’s death hit him hard. She was the last person he could turn to and now he had no one left. Everyone he cared about was gone – and every time it was Peter’s fault.

When Peter took his hand on the graveyard, he didn’t want to let go for a second. For a second, it felt like nothing happened, like everything was as it used to be and that made it even harder to understand.

Harry wanted to hate Peter and he did – at least partially – but how could he still love him? How could he love a monster, a murderer? How could he love the person that hurt him the most?

He looked at the corridor that used to be covered by a mirror. Behind it was the chamber with his father’s secret.

Avenge me, Harry heard his father’s voice speaking. Be strong.

He didn’t save me. Save yourself and avenge me, MJ’s voice said.

You know how to do it. Be strong, Harry, be my son. His father’s voice changed into MJ’s. He’s right. Do it. Be my best friend and avenge us.

“I won’t disappoint you. I’ll avenge you and make you rest in peace”, Harry swore and entered the corridor. Harry took the green serum from the shelf and undressed himself before he went into the little chamber. He took a deep breath. “I’ll make you proud, Dad.”

Then he put the serum into the machine. Green smoke filled the chamber and took his breath away. Harry thought he was suffocating as he couldn’t stop coughing and struggled to breathe.

He closed his eyes. As his body started to shake uncontrollably and his chest seemed to become smaller and smaller, he was sure he was going to die.

I’m sorry, he apologized to his father and MJ. If he died, no one would avenge them.

The smoke disappeared and Harry was able to breathe again. Was he still alive?

He opened his eyes and found himself standing in the chamber. His body wasn’t hurt but it became a bit more muscular.

The first step was done. Now he only needed an armour and he had to get familiar with the glider. And he needed to spy on Peter since he doubted that he was still living in the flat.

The next days, Harry called in sick and didn’t go to work so he could spy on Peter. Peter was still going to university, and he has moved into a new flat in a run-down house. He was still taking pictures for the Bugle and – what hurt Harry the most – he was still Spider-Man.

Peter was still wearing the costume that destroyed Harry’s life as well as their relationship.

Did their relationship ever mean anything to Peter? Did he ever mean anything to Peter? Did Peter even regret the deaths he had caused or were MJ and his father nothing more than a collateral damage? Just people who were in his way of being the ‘hero’ he pretended to be?

Harry knew his father’s death hadn’t affected Peter in the slightest way since he lied to him all the time so why would MJ’s death affect him now?

He wanted to make Peter be affected by it. He wanted to make him suffer, to make him regret everything he had done, to make him wish he died instead.

The time has come to turn his plan into reality. It was around the time when Peter would get home that Harry started his attack. Peter was driving on his scooter as Harry picked him up with his glider.

They punched and kicked each other while they were flying through the streets of New York. Then Harry threw Peter off his glider after he stabbed him with the knives of his armour.

Peter found a footing at a dome on top of a tower. He shot multiple webs at his attacker, but he was caught and thrown into a house wall where he got stuck. Not again.

“Harry?”, Peter asked in disbelief as his attacker stood in front of him and put off his mask.

“You knew this was coming, Pete.”

Harry wanted to jump on him, but Peter evaded him, so Harry got stuck.

“Listen to me. I didn’t kill your father. He killed himself with his glider while he tried to kill me”, Peter shouted as he climbed down the wall.

“I wish he had! I don’t want to hear your lies anymore. Shut up!”, Harry yelled and followed Peter down the wall. He broke the wall out of the house, making Peter fall.

Peter tried to save himself with his webs but every time he found a footing, Harry kicked him and made him fall again. He couldn’t catch himself but as he almost hit the ground, Harry caught him.

Maybe he sees his senses again, he thought hopefully but as Harry let him crash another house wall, he knew it was a stupid thought.

Harry smashed him into a wall multiple times while they flew through the city but then he was thrown into a building. He was caught again, and Harry tried to strangle him, but Peter fought back.

He grabbed Harry by his leg and threw him off the glider. Then he used his webs to swing away.

But Harry didn’t let him. Peter was pushed onto a rooftop and Harry pursued him. He jumped of the rooftop and swung from house to house, trying to enlarge his head start but Harry was getting way to close. Then he saw it. Peter swung through the extremely small distance between two houses.

“I’m still here”, Harry shouted and approached Peter, trying to stab him with his sword.

Peter could dodge the blade just in time before Harry could stab him right into his chest. As he looked back, Peter saw that Harry threw a few of those horrible orange bombs which turned out to be knives.

Oh, how much he hated those things.

Peter needed all his concentration to dodge them, and he changed the direction to get more time. He needed a plan.

Peter shot some webs at the knives, causing them to explode and get more time. Quickly, he set up a trip wire to make Harry slow down. And it worked.

Harry stumbled directly into his trap and bumped into a pipe before he fell on the ground.

But he didn’t make a move anymore.

Peter jumped down immediately. “Harry?”, he called. No response. He ran towards him. “Harry?”, he called again, panic rising in his voice. He knelt next to him.

What had he done?

“Harry, wake up! Please, wake up!”, he screamed.

He checked his breathing but there was no breathing. “Harry, wake up! You can’t leave me”, Peter screamed as he ripped the armour apart to perform a resuscitation.

“Don’t leave me!” His body was controlled by the fear of losing Harry. “Come on!”, he yelled at him, but it didn’t work.

There was still no breathing.

Peter picked him up and swung with Harry in his arm through New York to get to a hospital.

“I won’t let you die. You’ll be okay, I promise”, he sobbed as he handed him over to the doctors. “You have to save him!”

A nurse guided him away from Harry.

“They have to save him”, Peter repeated, his voice was shaking as well as his body.

“You should sit down”, the nurse instructed. “They’ll do their best to help him.”

“Their best is not enough. He can’t die.”

“You really need to calm down. It won’t help your …”

“Boyfriend”, Peter helped her out. Officially, they weren’t in a relationship anymore, but he won’t ever love someone else.

Harry was the one he had always wanted, and he couldn’t bear to lose him.

“It won’t help your boyfriend if you hyperventilate. He’ll be fine but then he’ll need you.”

Peter shook his head and buried his face in his hands. When Harry wakes up, he’ll despise him even more since he almost got him killed.

The nurse got him a tea but then she had to leave Peter alone with his thoughts. He was impatiently pacing back and forth.

What if Harry doesn’t make it? What if he dies because of him too? The thought was too painful. He needed to stop thinking about it. Harry would live. He had to. There was no other option.

“Did he make it?”, Peter asked immediately as a doctor approached him.

“Yes, he’s gonna be okay”, the doctor told him, “But there’s been some memory impairment. Particularly his short-term memory. Right now, he can’t remember the accident or anything that happened recently.”

“Is it permanent?”

“It could be. Only time will tell. Do you wanna see him?”, the doctor asked.

“If I’m allowed …” Peter hesitated. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. What if he wakes up and yells at him again? “Maybe I should wait.”

“No, it’s fine. He won’t wake up until the morning but it’s good if there is someone he knows.”

When Peter entered the room, Harry was sleeping. He looked so peaceful, like a real angel but Peter knew he was a fallen angel. The only thing that indicated how close he had been to death was the bandage around his head.

He took a chair and sat down next to Harry. At first, he hesitated but then he took Harry’s hand.

He missed the feeling of Harry’s hand in his own. He missed touching him and he missed Harry.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your father’s death and I’m sorry for not telling you the truth. It’s my own fault things fell apart. I never wanted you to get hurt. I miss you and I still love you so much. I’ve always loved you and I won’t ever stop loving you”, he whispered and gently stroked Harry’s hair.

Peter fell asleep, his head resting on Harry’s stomach, his hand was still holding Harry’s hand.

Peter noticed someone stroked his cheek with their fingertips. He opened his eyes and lifted his head to recognise it was Harry touching him.

Peter let go of his hand. It was unfair to use Harry’s memory loss for his own purpose.

“Pete.” Harry smiled at him. “What happened? Why am I here?”

“You had an accident”, Peter explained.

“An accident? Was it bad?”

“I thought I lost you.” Peter cleared his throat as the memories of Harry laying motionlessly on the ground hit him.

“I’m sorry for making you worry. I can’t remember anything. But my father … he died, right?”, Harry asked.

Peter nodded. He considered telling him the truth, but he decided it would be too much for Harry now. But he knew he had to tell him the truth soon.

“It’s all so weird.” Harry stretched out his hand. Peter hesitated. It would be unfair to use the situation to restore their relationship, but Harry wanted him to take his hand, so he did.

“Last thing I remember, I was fine. We celebrated your birthday. I surprised you with stargazing. It was a wonderful evening”, Harry said.

“It was”, Peter agreed, “Would you like to do that again?”

Harry nodded. “It feels like somehow I’ve been gone for a really long time. And now I’m back home.”

“It’s good to have you back.”

“I’m sorry, but you have to leave now. We have to do some medical tests”, a nurse told Peter as she entered the room.

“Oh, okay.”

“I’ll see you later, right?”, Harry asked.

“Of course”, Peter promised and squeezed his hand gently. Maybe everything would turn out to be okay after all.

Harry smiled at him as he left.

“You have a lovely boyfriend. He’s been here all night”, the nurse told him.

“He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d give my life for him”, Harry said.

She smiled at him and helped him to get out of his room.