saudade

Harry did everything to apologize for what he said when he was drunk at the planetarium. He did all the cleaning stuff, went shopping groceries and he cooked for Peter every day. He spoiled Peter as best as he could to make up for all the difficult moments Peter had with him. Harry loved Peter and he wanted to show it more often again. Things between them weren’t going as easy as they have before but they were going well.

Today was Harry’s first therapy appointment and he was really nervous about it. He never spoke with anyone about all the things that haunt him, and he was scared to tell someone he never met in his life, but Peter was right, he needed help. Otherwise, he’d hurt Peter as well as himself and everybody else surrounding him.

“Pete, can we turn around and drive back home?”, Harry muttered as they were getting closer to the therapist’s office. He wasn’t ready.

“I understand you’re nervous, but I know you can do it. You’re strong and I believe in you”, Peter encouraged him and took his hand to squeeze it gently. “You were so brave for making an appointment.”

Harry swallowed. “I won’t disappoint you, I promise.”

Peter kissed Harry on the lips. After the night in the planetarium, they barely kissed each other. Sure, some kisses on the cheek here and some on the forehead there but no real kisses on the lips. It was the expression of Peter’s love towards Harry.

“I’ll pick you up here. It will be fine”, Peter said.

“Thank you.”

Harry got out of the car and entered the building where his therapist’s office was. He swallowed hard and considered running away but he promised he won’t disappoint Peter. Not again. So, he opened the door and entered the office to go to the registration desk.

“Name?”

Harry looked around to see if anyone could hear him before he answered. “Harold Osborn. I have an appointment for 9am.” He didn’t want his therapy appointment to be seen in papers tomorrow.

“Take a seat in the waiting room, please”, the woman at the desk told him.

The waiting was a living hell for him. It only increased his nervousness and when he was called to get to the therapist, he almost started crying. He knew it was the right decision, but it felt so wrong.

“Hello, Mr. Osborn. I’m Andrew Rogers. Do you rather want to take a seat on the sofa or do you prefer sitting at the desk?”, Mr. Rogers shook his hand and smiled.

“The sofa is fine I think, thank you.”

They sat down on the sofa.

“What brings you to me?”, the therapist asked in a friendly tone, trying to take away some of his nervousness.

“After my father died, my life went downhill”, Harry said.

“Could you explain it a bit further? What happened after that? It’s okay if you’re not ready to do so yet. It’s difficult to talk about things that haunt you. Tell me if you don’t want to go any further. Talking about it needs time and it’s completely fine to take that time.”

“I- I found my father’s body and Spider-Man stood next to him. My father died of a stabbing wound Spider-Man caused him. I’m so angry when I read or hear about him. The people act like he’s a saviour but he’s a murderer. And the worst thing is my boyfriend takes pictures of him for the Bugle. I feel so betrayed by him. I feel so alone. I’m losing myself and I don’t know how to stop it.” Harry’s voice was shaking.

“It’s a great first step to have made an appointment. You can be proud of yourself. Most people try to work it out on their own but there’s no shame in it to seek professional help”, Mr. Rogers assured him.

“Actually, it wasn’t me who made the decision. It was my boyfriend. But he was right, and he helped me to get the courage to make an appointment. I don’t know what I’d do without him”, Harry clarified. He didn’t know why but he thought he could trust him.

“I see. I’ve got an impression of your condition so now it’s my turn to ask you if you want to continue the therapy”, Mr. Rogers said.

“Yes, I can’t do this anymore. But you can help me, right?”

“Yes, I can help you, but it’s a process. Results will take time so don’t blame yourself if things don’t get better immediately. This important.”

“I’d like to continue with you”, Harry decided. He was sure Mr. Rogers can help him. The therapist radiated the security that he won’t be alone and that he has the ability to get through this.

“How did it go?”, Peter asked as Harry got back in the car.

“It went well. I feel safe and I’m sure he can help me. He’s very kind and I feel comfortable. I’ll continue my therapy with him”, Harry explained.

“I’m proud of you. We’ll get through this.” Peter leaned forwards and kissed him.

After Peter drove Harry to the company, he got back home where he went into their bedroom and took the Spider-Man suit out of its hiding place. The suit that hurt people he loved and the suit that almost alienated him from Harry. Peter looked at it, remembering Uncle Ben’s words.

Suddenly, Peter was back in Uncle Ben’s car.

“All the things you’ve been thinking about, Peter, make me sad”, his uncle said.

“Can’t you understand? I’m in love with Harry and I hurt him so much. He has to go to therapy because of me”, Peter responded.

“You know I understand. But I thought you’d learned the meaning of responsibility.”

“I did. And that’s why I can’t be Spider-Man anymore”, Peter decided.

“We spoke a lot about honesty, fairness and justice – I’ve always counted on you to have the courage to take those dreams out into the world.”

“I can’t live your dreams anymore.”

“You’ve been given a gift Peter. With great power comes great responsibility, remember that. Now take my hand, son.” His uncle stretched out his hand, but Peter didn’t take it.

Peter took the suit and left the flat. He went for a walk through some of New York’s alleys. With great power comes great responsibility, his uncle told him. Now it was time for Peter to be responsible. He didn’t want to be Spider-Man anymore.

It must have been a sign that his web shooting abilities didn’t work as they used to before. He had a choice – and he made a choice. Peter threw the suit into the next trash can. He won’t cause any more pain to his loved ones.