saudade

In the evening, they went to the planetarium party. Both of them didn’t want to go but both of them had to. For Harry it was important for his company’s image and for Peter it was important to earn some money to support his aunt.

“I probably won’t have much time to spend with you since Mr. Jameson’s son is the one giving the party and he will make sure that I take enough pictures”, Peter sighed.

“It’s okay. I’ll find a way to survive without your companionship”, Harry assured him, half-joking.

They got separated almost immediately as they entered the planetarium because Jameson had eyes like a hawk and spotted Peter within a few seconds.

“What do you think you’re doing, huh? I don’t pay you to annoy well-respected members of economy”, Jameson scolded him as he discovered him talking with Harry.

“But he’s my-“

“I don’t care, Parker. Do something useful or you’re fired.”

Peter spent the next time photographing people he had never heard of, hoping it will be useful for Mr. Jameson. As soon as Jameson wasn’t in his reach anymore, he was looking for Harry and found him sitting at the bar. He didn’t look very happy and the fresh bottle of champagne next to his already used glass told Peter that it wasn’t his first bottle of alcohol.

“Hey, might wanna take it easy”, he said and hugged Harry from behind.

“Why? It’s a party. Wouldn’t you be drinking if you lost a bundle on some crackpot who you thought was gonna take you with him to fame and fortune?” Harry loosened Peter’s grip on him.

“I thought you worked things out at OSCORP. I thought things were going better”, Peter said, utterly confused.

“It’s still a long way until we’re back where my father left us. Not to mention your friend the bug”, Harry answered in a peevish tone as his eyes discovered the camera in Peter’s hands.

“Harry, please, not tonight. We had this discussion already. I don’t know who he is.”

“Every night. Until I find him, it’s 24/7.”

“Parker!”, Jameson called but Peter ignored him.

“Is that the reason you’ve been staying the nights in your father’s home?”, Peter asked, connecting the dots.

Before Harry could answer his question, Jameson found him again. But Peter didn’t need an answer to know the truth.

“Parker, I called you twice. Do you think I’m paying you for drinking champagne?” Jameson led him away from Harry. “Get a shot of my wife with the minister.”

Peter took a photo of the minister, the DA, and the mayor.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the committee for the Science Library of New York is pleased to present our guest of honour. He’s the first man to play football on the moon. Captain John Jameson!”, a woman announced.

Peter lifted his camera, ready to take a photo, when he discovered MJ hand in hand with Jameson’s son. She was wearing a beautiful black dress and she looked really happy. He smiled. She fulfilled her dream and now she found a partner. She deserved to find her happiness in life.

“Harry, did you know MJ had a boyfriend?”, Peter asked as he saw his boyfriend approaching.

“It pisses me off, your loyalty to Spider-Man and not to your boyfriend.” Harry grabbed Peter by his shoulder, his breath filled with the smell of alcohol. “I find him with my father’s body, and you defend him.”

“Harry”, Peter began but he was interrupted as soon as the name left his mouth.

“Don’t ‘Harry’ me. Don’t act like you care about me.” He tried to fight back tears.

“You know I care about you. You drank too much. We should get you home”, Peter said, his voice slightly shaking.

“There is no ‘we’.”

Peter could physically feel the pain in his heart. His eyes filled with tears. “You- you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I know exactly what I’m saying. You stole my father’s love. Then you let him die because you didn’t turn in the freak. Isn’t that right?” Harry slapped Peter. “Huh? Isn’t that right?” He slapped him again.

As in slow motion Peter put his hand on his burning cheek. He couldn’t believe Harry had slapped him but as he saw the hurt and the hatred in Harry’s tear-filled eyes, Peter knew it happened.

Harry ran away and Peter still stared at the spot his boyfriend had been standing on. Peter couldn’t move. When did it happen? When did they start alienating each other?

It was the alcohol, the voice in his head said. But was it though? The alcohol only brought to the surface what was boiling inside Harry. Where did he fail to help him?

Peter wanted to break down. The people around him seemed to be a huge distance away. He lost Harry, didn’t he? Would he be there when Peter got back home? If yes, what would happen? If no, what would it mean? Was there a way to restore everything that was ruined between them?

“Parker, wake up! Shoot the picture!” Mr. Jameson shook his whole body and got him out of his thoughts.

“What?”, Peter asked in confusion, remembering that he was attending a party of New York’s high society.

“Are you blind? My son just announced he’ll marry Miss Watson, now shoot that damn picture!”, Jameson yelled at him.

After Peter shot the picture, he left.

Harry stumbled forwards, not knowing where to go, his senses befuddled with alcohol. Then it hit him. A gun shot would’ve hurt less. He had slapped Peter. He hurt his boyfriend. He had been violent towards the person he loved more than anything on this planet! Harry stopped moving as he realised what he had done.

“Hey, freak! Get off the street!”, someone yelled, and the glaringly bright car headlights were too much for his already impaired senses.

The voice in his head got louder and louder, screaming “You hurt Pete!” and his head was about to explode. Harry sank to his knees and pressed his hands on his ears. He didn’t want to hear it. He wanted the voice to shut up. His body started shaking and tears streamed down his face. He felt like he was suffocating. It was the punishment for what he did to Peter, he knew it.

Someone touched him and gently removed his hand from his ears. “Harry.” It was Peter. “You have to get off the street, please.”

“Pete, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt to you. I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m sorry.” Harry was sobbing uncontrollably, struggling to breathe. His throat felt tight, and his chest was aching because his heart was beating so fast that it would spring out of his chest any moment. He was out of control.

Peter put his hands on Harry’s shoulder. “Shh, Harry. I know you didn’t mean to. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. You’re going to hyperventilate. You need to control your breathing. Breathe with me. In. And out. In. Out.”

“Hey! Get off the fucking street or I’ll call the police!”, the owner of the car yelled.

“Shut the fuck up or I’ll throw your bloody car off the fucking street, you asshole”, Peter screamed back. Didn’t this dude see Harry had a panic attack and needed help?

Peter focused on Harry again. Together, they calmed down his breathing. “Let’s get you off the street, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.” He gently wrapped his arm around Harry and helped him to get up. He led him off the street.

“I’m horrible. I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. It’s all my fault”, Harry sobbed and tried to loosen Peter’s grip on him. He didn’t want to hurt Peter again.

“Don’t you dare give up on us. We’ll get through this together, okay? I don’t want to lose you. But you need help.” Peter pulled him into a hug and placed a kiss on Harry’s forehead. “We’ll get you a therapist, okay?”

“Anything. I can’t do this anymore. I’m losing myself and I don’t know how to stop it.” Harry buried his face in Peter’s chest.

Tears found their way into Peter’s eyes. The whole situation hurt him so much. He gently stroked Harry’s back. “It’s okay. We’ll find a therapist to get you through this. I won’t leave your side, I promise. You’re gonna be okay.”

Harry gradually calmed down. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. We’ll go home, okay?”

Harry nodded and let Peter take his hand.

Peter didn’t know what to think or feel. He was still hurt by the incident at the planetarium, but Harry’s panic attack showed him he didn’t mean what he said. That he agreed to seek a therapist underlined it.

Peter didn’t know what would happen next to them, but he knew he didn’t want to lose Harry. He loved Harry but he also knew their relationship could only work if Harry looked for professional help.

But Peter was sure of one thing. He would save him.