Why Bop It, Twist It, Pull It, Fist It when you could Zap It?
Diing a ling
Hello. Summmerrrtimmmmee. Cough cough.
Shhhh it’s not time for that reveal yet.
“Hiya campers. Congratulations on your polite survival here on …. Bachelor in Paradise! We’re going to have a crazy week filled with many surprises. These surprises will make this season of Bachelor in Paradise, the Most Dramatic Season Yet.”
Everybody yawns at Chris Mcclain’s announcement. What else could they throw at us after a bunch of evil twins showing up and an eyeball transplant surgery?
Jain decides to visit her brother, A. Frankensteiner, and tennis comrade, Ryoma Echizen at the Bachelor in Paradise Daycare Center. She needs to make sure her students are well-taken care of before she can fully focus on her BIP romance arc.
Upon entering the Paradise Daycare Center, Jain is greeted by a Ford F150. Huh. There is a slip in slide set up on the back of the pick up truck for the kiddos, but why would the producers just put a truck outside for kids? Jain snaps off her boob harness to harness her magic. If Jain keeps her girls unharnessed, thus harnessing their full power for too long, it can kill her from the magnitude of POWER. A power that is so strong that even Jeremy Fragrance is unfamiliar with the sort. When Jain needs to peer into the past or future for a minute, she can unharness her boobs and see the future like Mr. Dog from Spy Family. The mystery of this truck may not be worth it but something tells Jain that the authors left a major plot hole and need to fix it.
Jain peers into the Ford F150’s past. It was once decorated with a “Bachelor in Paradise: Road Truckers Edition” emblem. Oh right… we were supposed to do that…
This is all so confusing. Jain should read through their contracts again.
N-n-n-no kissing.
What was that? A posh Siri?
“Meine Schwester!!! Du ist meine Lieblings Person!!” Frankensteiner declares snapping Jain out of her confusion.
“Oh mein Bruder! Du hier what I hier? Der was ein Robot sound!” Jain replies.
Ryoma Echizen is also here and has something to say: “Oh that? The daycare coach said that’s a noise that we are supposed to get accustomed to as tennis players. Even though it is proper etiquette to be quiet in tennis matches, sometimes people talk regardless. Coach says we need to understand how to work through hearing different noises while we practice to get used to it.”
That seems like a good enough explanation, but Jain can’t help but to wonder why they don’t just hire that lady who has 700 drinks at Wimbledon. That kind of scenario would be more likely than some robot lady talking about not kissing anyone but anyways…
“Ce n’est pas une grande problème! Oh je suis désolé pour utiliser le français mais j’aime ‘Émilie à Paris’ C’est incroyable!” Frankensteiner humbly dits.
“Emily in Paris season 3 is a slay. People that don’t like it don’t like fun things. I like fun. Je suisse amusante!!” Jain tries to utilise her poor français mais c’est une grande problème!
“Speaking of fun things, look at this sick indoor day camp tennis court, perfect for these cold winter months!” Ryoma points out.
Wow that is nice, Jains thinks. But wait, it’s Bachelor in Paradise, isn’t it supposed to be summer? It is January 2023, but it feels like this whole time it’s been summer. Also, I swear I signed a contract to be on Bachelor in Paradise Road Truckers Edition…
Jain’s thoughts are halted by a quick brain zap. It is too early for Jain to be investigating our show. All will be revealed in due time.
Suddenly, Jain’s curiosity is replaced by horny.
“Okay guys, looks like you’re well taken care of. I’m going to focus on my romance. If I don’t see you guys as the finalists for the Australian Open Juniors final, I will make you learn every sentence structure in German ever.”
Before Ryoma and Frankensteiner know it, they are left to their own devices (their rackets).
“Alright guys, fire up those backhands kids. You guys will have to defeat the EVIL, Nick Wilde Kyrgios and his misogynist partner in crime, Stefanos Tittypas in a month. CHOP CHOP.” Echizen Ryoga yells at the boys.
Meanwhile…
—
Qoot looks at Ni. Ni looks at Kite. Kite looks at Syghie. Syghie looks.
“So. You’re telling me that Syghie has a secret twin out there in the world? That Ni is not, in fact, the real twin of Syghie?” Qoot asks?
“That’s the thing. Syghie couldn’t have made it onto this season without a twin. So unless Chris McClain forgor, there has to be another Syghie, or Ni, on the island.” Kite eggs plains.
“Oh Shit.”
“Where do we even start looking for a twin lab creation?” Syghie asks, askingly.
“Not sure. This creation could be anywhere, ffs.”
Chris McClain sprouts up from the earth like one of those time lapse videos of a bean sprouting. “I did not forgor. Syghie does have a twin on the island. Otherwise, they’d be immediately ejected from the island.”
“Immediate ejection? What if, like, Gred had a heart attack? Would Forge be-”
“Immediately ejaculated.” Chris McClain confirms solemnly.
“That’s disappointing,” Qoot whispers to their counterpart. “I would have thought that would be the first course of action.”
“Would you like a hint in procuring the coordinates of Syghie’s twin?” Chris smiles deviously.
Syghie and Kite look at each other with a solemn glance. “What’s the catch?” Kite asks.
Chris McClain laughs. “Ha ha ha,” he giggles. “Are you in or not?”
“I guess we don’t really have a choice.” syghies Qoot.
“Alright, lay it out for us, Chris. What must we do?” Syghie qoots.
Chris McClain… blushes?
“I didn’t think he could do that,” whispers Kite.
“Listen up, campers… I…” Chris looks right in the A cam. B cam. Back to A cam. “... am Horny.”
The live audience, which has been here the whole time (jostled into place by the rumbling), gasps!
“IS THAT LEGAL” Qoot yells.
“Yes, indeed,” Chris swivels like a drooping flower. “I am not just a rolling expanse of skin with no cracks or crevices. I have a pee pee and and ass hole and I want to Fuck.”
“Please say that this has nothing to do with us,” Kite pleads. The thought of Chris McClain’s pee pee and ass hole make Kite’s (she/they) tears go their.
“Of course not! I am a proud gay man. I like testes and foreskin, not vulva and booby. I only beseech you to go out and find me a set of good hunkers who could break me in half.”
“This island has nothing but twinks.” Qoot points out.
“GOOD ENOUGH,” roars Chris, diving gracefully back into the sand.
“Well then. Where are we to find these twinks Chris wants to twunk?”
“Maybe… we use a metal detector?” suggests Kite?
“Twinks do have a particularly high amount of iron in their blood,” Qoot says helpfully. “They have a naturally higher concentration of heme because the word heme looks like homo. Although I’m not sure… if that’s a slur?”
“Works for me,” says Ni, whipping out a full metal dicktector from her fanny pack.
The GHOST QUARTET scuttles across the sand. Kite uses a magnifying glass to look around for available twinks. Qoot imitates a twink mating call, hooting and hollering. Syghie clears the way for the metal detector by psychically moving rocks and stuff, and Ni powers on with the metal detector.
“Hey Ni, if you’re from the future, shouldn’t you know where Syghie’s twin is?” asks Qoot.
“WOW LOOK THE METAL DETECTOR IS GOING OFF” says Ni loudly. They reach a mysteriously moist hump in the ground. The metal detector begins to moan with arousal, slower at first but quickly picking up velocity and acceleration.
At the peak of this hump is a little hole, as if belonging to a sand crab. Syghie grabs a thing of salt, and pours it into the hole, as one would do when looking for razor clams. A razor clam pops up out of the hole, gasping for breath. But… What is this??? It is not a razor clam at all, but a pee pee!
“Bingo,” says Qoot.
The tiny grains of sand vibrate with pleasure as the metal detector grazes them tantalizingly, and by osmosis their pleasure transfers to the shuddering twinks below the surface of the sand.
The sand glows white with a nuclear EXPLOSION, the screen at home covered with a substance and a loud pair of moans, in chilling unison. Glitter everywhere! Fog machine rolled onto the beach by an underpaid tech. The lights turn off and a spotlight shines directly on the quivering mound. What comes out of the mound… Is shocking and twinkling.
Azusa and Tsubaki are locked together in the throes of gay twincest passion, sparks flying and intermingling with the sand that sprays from the remnants of their mound. They are thrusting, but it isn’t clear who is thrusting into who due to the smoke seemingly generated by their passion, conveniently masking their genitals from the television. Three interns begin to pass out, the powers of twincest too much for their fragile sensibilities. The Asahina twins (or two thirds of the triplets) pay no notice to their recent uncovering, or to the astonished GHOST QUARTET, or to any of the crew. Their generic thrusting motions become more frantic, and everyone prepares to avert their eyes.
A wave, fortunately, washes over all of the mound and cleans everything of their salty spray with its own, all-consuming foam. When the wave retreats, the twins are clothed. All the smoke has cleared and the sparks have been put out, and the droplets of seawater intermingled with… oh, you know… turn to mist as they touch the twins hot bodies.
The twins finally, in the post-nut clarity, seem to notice the visitors on their doorstep. “Who are you?” asks Azusa into the silence.
“We are, let’s say, matchmakers for a particular man who is interested in getting his ass mowed. By multiple men. Who happen to be twins.” says Kite. Qoot nods supportively (women in STEM supporting women in STEM).
“That’s very sweet of you, but as you can see, we are twinks. It is difficult enough to have sex with us two betas, but you want to introduce an omega to the mix?”
Qoot procures a perfume tester bottle, and tosses it to the twins. “Spritz some on your wrist, Tsubaki? I think you’ll find this omega to both of your liking.”
Tsubaki complies, and the strength of Chris McClain’s omega hormones cause his eyes to roll back into his head, and he drops the bottle in shock, the pheromones pooling into the seawater between him and his twin. And yet? There’s something deeper that takes root, diffusing through his lungs into… his heart? Tsubaki’s only known one other person who etched themselves this permanently into his being, and its his twin, looking at him with an identical look of shock. The clarity provided by the nut are nothing compared to the clarity provided by the tester bottle.
“How can we ever repay you for finding us the mate we never knew we needed?” Tsubaki asks, with tears in his eyes.
The Quartet looks at each other. “Well, we were looking for someone very important to me - my twin. They would look just like me, because we are identical. Do you happen to know where they might be?”
Tsubaki rubs his chin. Azusa looks like he remembers something. “Yes, in fact,” he grouses. “There is someone we know that looks an awful lot like you. This is the address,” He tears off his sleeves (both of them) and writes out an address.
“Are they being racist?” Kite whispers.
“They’re Japanese. I trust them.” Syghie affirms. She is Japanese, so she trusts the homies can tell Japanese people apart.
Qoot takes the address, and looks at Ni. “Do you remember what we did? Since you would have already done this. As Syghie.”
Ni thinks about it. “It is against the time travel laws for me to say too much. But, I would say, be careful when approaching.”
Kite only processed that there are time travel laws, and there are therefore hot time travel lawyers. She pines for a time travel lawyer to make out with.
“It’s against BIP laws to use a mobile device with GPS on it,” points out Qoot. “Can you at least walk in the correct direction?”
The address is for just up the beach. It is:
House on the Beach
A Little More North of Here
Beach House, CA 69420
[A/N: This is not a reference to the time we hit 69,420 words, but rather as a reference to the sex number and the weed number. Hope this helps! xx]
They walk together like a little murder (GHOST QUARTET) of crows. Twenty minutes later, they arrive at a singular wooden shack on the beach.
Suddenly, the vibes go from fun and spicy to… dangerops. “This is just like on Ghost Files.” There’s a sharp turn from the clean smell of the ocean, to the smell of rot and decay. Old wood all but falls apart as they gingerly push open the door, and wharf roaches scuttle out from the crack.
“Syghie,” Qoot begins. “I think you should go first. A familiar face might help?”
Syghie nods. She goes up to the door, and knocks. The door falls open.
She looks inside the door. It is actually a not so bad place inside, just a little dated and worn. Just a normal shack vibe. The kettle is on, and there are signs of very recent life.
“Helloooooooo? Anyone home?” Syghie loudly syghies into the shack. There’s a scuttling noise along the floorboards. Syghie’s voice seems to echo into the space, making it seem larger than it should be. The smell of rotted wood only grows more pungent, but other than the creaking of the floorboards, there’s no response.
Kite peeks in over Syghie’s shoulder, and the hairs (she/ they) on her back stand up their. “Is it… bigger on the inside?”
Qoot peer’s over Syghie’s other shoulder. “It’s so dark, it’s hard to tell.”
Ni looks over Syghie’s other other shoulder. “Guys… maybe we shouldn’t go in. I have a bad feeling about this.”
Syghie hesitates, but the thot of her twin being trapped in a place like this steels her resolve. “No. I’d never forgive myself if I just left them here. If you guys don’t want to come with, I won’t hold it against you. But I need to do this.”
Ni nods in support, and clasps Syghie’s third shoulder. “I’m on your side, Syghie.”
Kite smiles encouragingly. “We can do this. I’m with you to the end, Syghie.”” Qoot nods in twin solidarity.
Syghie squares her three shoulders, takes a deep breath, and raises her foot to step over the threshold, the darkness quick to engulf her Mary Jane clad dog.
A young person comes up behind them, with a Fenton thermos.
“Young Danny Phantom, he was just fourteen when his parents built a very strange machine…”
Kite and Qoot shriek in surprise (A/N: EEK)! “Is that…” Everyone looked at this mysterious new figure, who happened to look exactly like Syghie.
“It was designed to view a world unseen [He’s gonna catch them all ‘cuz he is Danny Phantom.” Continued the newcomer. “When it didn’t quite work, his folks, they just quit, but Danny took a look inside of it.”
“There was a great big flash, everything just changed, his molecules got all rearranged [Phantom, phantom]”
“When he first woke up, he, realized, he had snow white hair and glowing green eyes.
He could walk through walls, disappear and fly - he was much more unique than the other guys.
It was then that he knew what he had to do
He had to stop all the ghosts that were coming through
He’s here to fight for me and you
He’s gonna catch them all cuz he is Danny Phantom 4x.”
The figure turns around. “My name is Coughie. And I’m in the middle of a ghost-hunt right now, so would you mind stepping a little back?” Coughie smiles at the Quartet and then bursts into action!
She runs around the house in her Mary Jains and opens up the soup thermos thingy, which gleams a fantastic blue light. You can distantly hear ghostly moans and apparitions being sucked ;) into the thermos. She closes the lid, and attaches it to her utility belt on her hip. “There we go, ghosts taken care of. Now this shack can go back to being decrepit and in non-use in peace.”
“Coughie! You must be our friend Syghie’s twin!” Kite exclaims!
“Yes, it’s true - I am the twin - the prodigal son if you will. I left home to vanquish the ghosts in this here shack, but I missed out on meeting Syghie, and that I deeply regret. But this is great! It’s so nice to meet you, twin.”
“Wait, where was home?” Kite questions? “And were you born a ghost hunter? Is Syghie also a ghost hunter?”
“The laboratory where I was DNA spliced together, of course. And no, this is a trade I picked up - I got an online certificate from Tulane.”
“How did you have time to pick it up… or get a degree….” Qoot says despondently. She did not have time to become an academic weapon. Coughie winks in response.
“Well, I think we mostly wanted to find you to make sure you were okay, especially after the rumbling et al.
—-
Jain feels the sand on her toes (A/N: puppies) and the cool breeze in her hair.
The atmosphere is
sexy,
fun,
singles,
inferno,
heated,
dangerous,
hot,
sensuous,
dark,
seductive,
blazing,
tender,
and
very
spicy.
Jain sees Natsume with a book on the beach. What other book could he be reading then … Fruits Basket Volume 5 Collector’s Edition. Jain finds this… appealing. She saunters over to Natsume in the hopes of stealing a kiss if not more.
“Oh Natsume, you have excellent taste in literature,” Jain breathes.
“Jain, I was just thinking about you while reading this. I feel like in a past life I was Kyo and you were Tohru…” Natsume winks.
Jain hasn’t felt this horny since like 5 chapters ago. Natsume starts playing with the strings of Jain’s bikini top.
“Is this okay?”
“Yes yes more than okay Nats,” Jain moans. Natsume uses his fingers to get through those strong. His fingers plunge through the holes in the knots. He’s almost there. Oh he might just have to make another knot later elsewhere…
(A/N: MY LOVELY READER CHANS, PLS DON’T READ THIS AT WORK. IT’S TOO LATE.)
Unless…
Ding a ling
Welcome to my retreat.
Jain’s brain snaps out of its zap. That’s that British robot!
Please gather at the patio, contestants. Stop what you are doing right now. I am your new host.
“Can I keep going?” Natsume asks, breathing heavily.
Jain is blushing. “I meannnn we could just break the rules right?”
Zap. “Ow my brain.”
“Your brain?” Natsume’s ginger eyebrows furrow.
“Ack, I don't trust this robot. Ever since I heard about her earlier today, I’ve been feeling weird. I need to get to the bottom of this.” Jain begins marching to the cabana while Natsume trails behind.
When Jain and Natsume arrive, the cabana is buzzing with activity. Everyone seems nervous and vaguely aroused (as usual).
“What’s going on? Why is British Siri telling us what to do?” said Gred and Forge in unison.
“This is really messing with my beauty sleep schedule…” Morbius morbed.
“I was just about to saddle up on Y/H/N when there was this wavelength that zapped me right through my brain.” Ema explains.
“She has a brain?” Oedipus questions. Oh right, he’s still here.
“Oedipus fuck off you misogynistic asshole. Just say you don’t like women and leave,” Qoot snaps. Oedipus leaves, crying from his freshly healed eyes. He is no longer on the show. In fact, he was politely escorted out by our moon titan security.
Ding a ling.
“Greeting. Your time on Bachelor in Paradise has been hacked by me,” a British siri declares.
“Oh norr,” Jain recognizes that voice.
“Blimey,” swears Gred.
“I’m Lana. There are conditions to your stay here.”
“Del Rey? I’m a huge fan of your work!” Tsubaki begins screaming and kicking up a bunch of sand that somehow makes it into to Oedipus’ new eye transplant even though he is … very far away. He weeps again. Pissboy.
Lana continues, “No kissing or sex of any kind.”
A silence washes over the crowd as the reality of their situation sinks in. Who are they if not unabashed horndogs? Suddenly, a blood-curdling shriek pierces the atmosphere. Joie has fallen to their knees as if stabbed through the abdomen.
“D-d-demon peenbis,,,,” they sob, shaking their fist to the heavens. ZAP! Lana zaps their brain into submission and they flop like a fish, still devastated.
Qoot and Kite look around STEMly to conduct a brief research investigation. The assembled crowd begins succumbing to the horror of no demon peenbis as well, weeping and wailing. Lana ZAPs them as horny thoughts infiltrate their minds. Y/H/N’s hooves flail in the air as he flips onto his back, knocking Ema out of her wheelchair. She falls unconscious into the sand.
“Hey,” Kite whispers to Syghie on the ground, both of them electrocuted for having horny thoughts. “Wasn’t there also someone else who was like pro chastity here? Like thousands and thousands of words ago?” Kite forgor.
Syghie shrugs. She also forgor, but is also wracked with grief over not being able to have gay sex with Jill Devil’s Line.
Jain is so very solemn. She was looking forward to spicy times with Natsume.
“I don’t know when the next real night will be but I promise you this.”
Jain looks up at Natsume as he whispers, “I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next night.”
Although Natsume’s promise would normally be a fitting end for a chapter of Your Kisses Taste the Sweetest with Mind, Lana is in control now, so Natsume’s sensuous words cannot go unpunished.
Natsume’s little head hurty as the zap pierces through his skull. The beaches of Paradise are now feeling like an Inferno. “My poor little meow meow,” whispers Jain. “My sweet little baby who treats people with nothing but kindness forgive me for not being able to do more..i tried my best i really did..”