A Polite Escort
“I’m having your baby.” Hairy’s logical left brain yelps in pain as his left eye gets removed.
His emotional right side of his brain retaliates with, “It’s none of your business,” as his right eye gets removed.
Hairy is not actually mpregnated, but the pain of having his eyes removed resembles the pain of child laboUr. Upon having his two eyeballs removed, Hairy passes the fuck out.
Qoot opens the eyeball jar using an electric can opener. Upon hearing the bzzz of the can opener, Oedipus’ toes curl in a nervous excitement for his eyes. With brand new eyes, he can forge a new future or build up a world of magic because his real life is tragic. Everything’s coming up Oedi as Hairy’s eyes go ploop plop into the eyeball jar.
“The eye removal is a success!” Qoot declares peering into Oedipus’ eye holes.
Οεδιπθσ smiles and tilts his head in the direction of Qoot, but it’s still a little bit off.
“Oedipus, I think we’re ready for the procedure now…” Qoot drifts off.
Oedipus realizes that he can’t let his feelings go unsaid. Now is the time.
“I love you, Qoot. Although I have never seen you, I’ve had the luxury of peering into your soul. I had these recurring thoughts that formed a song that I would like to sing to you. It’s my confession song…”
Qoot is not sure she likes the idea of being serenaded, but before she can really ponder if serenade is yay or nay, the producers have already put a spotlight on Oedipus in his surgical bed.
A faint, nervous voice begins his song:
“I don’t want another pretty face.
I don’t want just anyone to hold.
I don’t want my love to go to waste.
I want you and your beautiful soul.”
Qoot stares blankly at Oedipus, feeling slightly turned off unbeknownst to him. Oedipus decides to break the awkward silence.
“Sorry Qoot… you can tell me how you feel after the surgery. I just wanted to let you know that #loveisblind.”
“Thank you, Oedipus. I’m just gonna uh…” Qoot begins pumping the sleepy juice into Oedipus’ bloodstream. She was confident in her feelings for Oedipus, but now she’s questioning their connection. The heightened environment of Paradise makes her wonder if she would fall in love with Oedipus in another environment where there would be better accommodations, more water, less alcohol, and more romantic options. She turns her worries off to give Oedipus the best surgery possible because it is what a woman in STEM does…
—-
Meanwhile, it’s babysitting hours for Jain as she watches over Frankensteiner and Ryoma Echizen. Remember in the last chapter how Ema and Y/H/N went to the boom boom room and the kids needed to be taken away? Apparently the boom boom room stuff is still going down. You know what they say about horses, “when you are on a great horse, you have the best seat you will ever have.”
Jain is not alone in her babysitting duties as her … friend …. Natsume has joined her. Ryoma Echizen has been possessed by the spirit of Caillou and has become a difficult child as a result.
“My queen, I thought we would be practicing tennis with you but instead I’m stuck with Frankensteiner who fell out of the Junior League Top 10, and this ginger bitch sitting around in a circle.”
“I may be a ginger, but I am not a bitch!” Natsume retaliates! Jain pats his back to comfort him. She turns her head to address Ryoma.
“Listen, Ryoma, I hear your concerns, but if you really want to be the Prince of Tennis, you need to know when to take a break and practice your German conjugations,” Jain explains.
“Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” Frankensteiner says mirroring famous devious tennis player, Casper Ruud.
Ryoma raises his hand to receive his racket from the sky. Jain sees it descending and sends the racket to Pluto. “We are not playing tennis and that’s final,” Jain declares.
“I’m sorry for making you angry, my queen.” Ryoma looks down.
Jain hits him with that maternal, “I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”
Ryoma sheds a single tear. He hates to disappoint his queen!
Natsume decides to play the paternity role in the form of dad jokes.
“What do you call a horse that lives next to you?”
“A donkey!” Frankensteiner responds in typical no brain fashion.
Ryoma and Jain stare blankly at Natsume.
Natsume smiles his lovely nyatsume smile. “A neighbor.”
Jain laughs and smiles at Natsume. Ryoma rolls his eyes but a lil smile peeks through from Natsume’s joke. The mood has successfully been enhanced by daddy… wait no… LOVELY natsume.
For a moment, time stops as Jain looks at Natsume. He would be a good dad. He looks so pretty with that post dad joke glow. Natsume looks at Jain with a tilt of his head wondering why she was staring at him. Jain quickly adverts her eyes, crimson staining her cheeks. It was maroon. Natsume can’t seem to take his eyes off of Jain as he wonders why she seemed so shy and awkward when she looked at him.
Frankensteiner stares into the abyss, unaware of the not so subtle gazes of the two former lovers, while Ryoma eyes pop in bewilderment at the romantic tension. At this moment, a lightbulb from the lighting department falls upon the head of Frankensteiner. A lightbulb moment approaches, causing Frankensteiner to ask, “When are we deutsch sprechening?”
“Yeah uhh lass uns deutsch sprechen!!!” Ryoma says in part because he doesn’t want to disappoint his queen, but also because he’s starting to view Jain and Natsume as mother and father figures and nobody wants to see mom and dad fuck.
Jain snaps out of her lust and snaps into her passion for education in her native tongue.
Shigure rolls out a whiteboard, loaning Jain a brand new EXPO (not sponsored by EXO) marker. Jain begins writing on the board, the topic of today’s lesson: Jassss und slayyyy.
“So students, what do you think this phrase means?”
Frankensteiner raises a big ass himbo hand. “Is it like when I play tennis and then?” Jain nods urging him to continue what is shaping up to be a good example.
Frankensteiner continues, “I lose to Ryoma. Jaaa that’s it, right?”
Jain resists the urge to roll her eyes at her half brother’s tennis balls for brain’s comment because she’s in teacher mode. She must respect her student’s questions even if they’re dumb because it is a law in Paradise that teacher’s must always lie to students and say that there are “no dumb questions.” Jain decides she must guide her students in the right direction.
“Not quite Mr. Frankensteiner. Jasss and slay would only apply if you won the match. However, if losing the match allows you to succeed in the future or find other passions then it could still be a jasss and slay moment. Could somebody else provide a more simplistic example?”
Natsume raises his hand. Jain nods, still feeling unnerved by his presence. “Is it like when I sing Karma by Taylor Swift and stream Midnights?”
FUCKKKKK. He knows what he’s doing. These sweet nothings have Jain heating up in front of the class. No, it’s wrong to crush on your student even if you have an ancient romantic history with each other and it’s a very age appropriate dynamic and it’s not even a real class because it takes place on a dating show.
Jain musters the courage to respond. “Yes, Natsume. That would be jasss and slayyy of you…”
Natsume raises his eyebrows and ~smirks~ at Jain, why is he suddenly so in control? This man is no longer lovely Natsume but rather smugly Natsume!!!
Ryoma is taking notes. “So Professor MyQueen, I understand what jasss means and understand what jasss and slay means from the example, but how would you define ‘slay’?
“Slay is a verb that originates from Old English of the Germanic variety, hence why we are sprechen of this verb in Deutsch class. It means ‘what Jain does every second of every day.’ Write that down.”
Ryoma and Frankensteiner scramble to write the definition in their notes as Jain continues her lesson.
“So now that we understand the meaning of slay, let’s learn the conjugations!” Jain begins writing on the white board the following very helpful information:
Ich Slay
Du Slayst
Er/Sie/Es/Slayt
Wir Slayenn
Ihr Slayt
Sie Slayen
As the marker makes first contact with the whiteboard, it lets out a squeak, surprised at the sensation of caressing a board. The board lets out a low, throaty (even though it’s throatless) chuckle. It’s alright, Markeur… the whiteboard hums at the frequency that all inanimate objects use to speak in, albeit a couple sensual tones lower. I quite like the feeling. Please, go on. The marker quivers in Jain’s skillful grasp, and glides further down the board, smearing a trail of ink across its canvas. The board exhales, trembling with the willpower to stay still under these ministrations. Mmm, yes… right there… the board whines as the marker strokes patterns into its surface. It’s been so long since inanimate objects have been allowed to have sex… just like that… oh!
The board tilts backwards suddenly, pressing up forcefully into the marker as Jain dots the i in Sie. The marker, enraptured in its task and mindlessly ignoring the burning pleasure in its marker core (like the thing with the ink in it), and a few drops of ink splatter onto the board.
“Huh. Weird,” Jain says, adjusting the board before going back to her slay education. The marker is embarrassed, unable to make eye contact with the board, having just come with so little stimulation. Hearing something come in its proverbial pants, Anzai pokes his head into the tent.
“Let me add some supplementary information.” He steps in, leaning down to Jain and plucking the marker from her hand. With a smirk, he begins to write:
En francais:
Je slai
Tu slais
Il/ Elle/ On/ Slait
Nous Slayons
Vous slayez
Ils/ Elles slayent
Jain telepathically communicates to her twin, Lain. Come get your man. He’s speaking French and ruining my lesson. Jain could simply just kill this man, but she won’t because there are children.
“Yuuukiiiii Anzaiiiiiii” Lain purrs. “Mon chèr, tu as besoin de suck ma bloode.”
“Ah, oui oui. J’ai faim. Sorry mes amis, mais je ne suis pas un bon professeur. Je suis désolée pour interrupte ta classe Madame Jain.”
“Ehemm it’s Mademoiselle Jain! I am a single, independent woman, now gtfo and suck my twin’s blood!”
Anzai looks down solemnly as he feels a bit embarrassed by his actions.
Thank you. Jain sends telepathically to Lain, only to receive a You Owe Me, in return.
Jain rolls her eyes. Shigure approached Jain to inform her that the rose ceremony was approaching, and the Paradise Daycare center had opened.
“Well students. It has been eventful, and I need to get ready to jass and slay at the rose ceremony, so I will dismiss class. Mr. Frankensteiner and Mr. Echizen, please follow Mr. Souma to your new accommodation.”
Natsume packs up his class materials and meets Jain at her white board. “So teacher…”
“You can just call me Jain, Natsume.”
“Why do you not call me lovely Nyatsume anymore?” (Dramatic music from Howl’s Moving Castle starts playing.)
“Well, I thought since we broke you may not like me calling you that, and maybe it might’ve been a little embarrassing for you at the time when we were dating too. I think over the course of our relationship…” Jain pauses wondering why she just became compelled to rehash their past. He deserves to know.
“I was always the one in control of things. While I loved you, I was so scatterbrained and always trying to find something new and exciting that I ended up treating you like shit. I am really sorry for not remaining faithful to you. You treated me with nothing but respect, and there’s no excuse for what I did to you…” Jain tries to hold in her tears because she doesn’t want to manipulate for once but she can’t help the emotions that she’s kept bottled up for so long from bursting.
“It’s okay, Jain…. ” Jain trembles as Natsume pats her head. Pat pat.
“BIP CONTESTANTS. GET YOUR ASSES TO THE CABANA. WE ARE ROSE CEROMONYING IN 10 MINUTES.” Chris Mcclain announces. A loud neigh reverbs from the boom boom room.
Jain looks worriedly at Natsume. There is no time to get into all of the past angst for them right now.
As if reading Jain’s mind, Natsume says “Let’s continue this later, Jain. Go get ready for the rose ceremony and don’t worry about me.”
Jain gives Natsume a hug and begins departing.
“One more thing.”
Jain looks inquisitively at Natsume.
“Du Slayst!”
Jain can’t help the smile emerging on her face. She tries to stop it, but what can she do, sie slayt according to Natsume.
—--
Meanwhilst, Kite is sprinting to find Qoot. “QOOOOOOT!” she calls, cupping her hands around her neck. “WE FORGOR!” Kite is not athletic, and quickly finds herself eating shit in the sand (A/N: not literally lmfao) next to Coal Sprouts, who is still being pursued by sexy Baywatch security.
Coal Sprouts gasps for air. “Kite, did you send a text too? These guards are relentless.” Behind him, one of the guards tosses their hair dramatically, and the strands flutter in sync with the spray of sand from their seductive run.
“No, but I’m looking for Qoot. Have you seen her?”
“Qoot? In case you haven’t noticed, she’s weird. She’s a weirdo. She doesn’t fit in, and she doesn’t want to fit in.”
“She’s literally me?”
“Have you ever seen her without Oedipus Rex? That’s weird.”
Kite gasps, receiving the encoded message. She nods, and sprints towards the surgical unit. The resulting spray of sand gets Coal Sprouts in his eyes, and he falls down. The guards are on him in seconds, kind of like the flesh eating scarabs in The Mummy but they don’t eat any of his flesh. (Ew?)
Qoot is sitting outside the surgical ward, bloody gloves gripped in her bare hands, when Kite finds her.
“Qoot! There you are- we need to find Ni before the rose ceremony!”
Qoot looks up at her sadly. “I guess we forgor, didn’t we.”
Kite frowns at her despondent twin. “Qoot, what happened? Did something go wrong with the surgery?”
Qoot syghies. “No, it was fine. There won’t be any complications. That’s the problem.”
Kite twin telepathizes and understands, and she sits down next to Qoot, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I get it. Men do get way less attractive when they get eyes.”
“I just… I thought he was perfect, you know? And then he had eyes, and he just… wasn’t who I fell in love with. Being able to see brought another side out of him, and… I was blindsided by how quickly I got The Ick.”
Kite pulls Qoot into a platonic hug. “It’s gonna be okay, Qoot. I’m sure you’re going to have time to process your emotions and-”
Chris McClain’s piercing voice cuts through the twin bonding moment. “BIP CONTESTANTS. GET YOUR ASSES TO THE CABANA. WE ARE ROSE CEROMONYING IN 10 MINUTES.” (A/N: This is the same call that happened during Natusme and Jain’s lesson).
—
Everybody is gathered at the first BIP ceremony. Just like the actual BIP show, the rose ceremonies are extremely rare although it is the essential premise.
“Okay Campers. You may be wondering how we are going to give out roses. There are significantly more male campers than female campers. Normally, on regular BIP, we would give the roses to one gender, but since we are in the multiverse of BIP, there are new rules.”
Everybody looks around in shock. What are these rules?
“I will give the roses to one twin in each pair. However, there is a twist!” Chris Mcclain gets a dangerous glint in his eyes. Scary.
“We have this giant motherfucker that can SNAP.”
Huhhh. Natsume’s eyes pop out of skull. Could this be? That purple guy he battled with all those years ago when he was still doing his spiderly duties?
“It is I. Thanos, the MOON TITAN.” Big Purple Man declares.
“B-b-barney????” yelps Jain.
“P-p-p-purple guy from Five Nights at Freddy? Not only that guy, but thirst trap version of purple guy????” screams Kite and Syghie.
“And why he ourple 💀” Joie inquires.
“Yes, it is this guy. He is all of the guys. He is able to… politely escort contestants from the beach, once left out.”
“I am the armored titan. Can this so-called moon titan beat me?” Reiner puffs out his metallic chest.
Thanos/Barney/PurpleGuyfromFiveNightsatFreddy does a little snapping snapping and Reiner is … politely escorted off of Paradise.
“Wow, that was so… polite.” Jain says.
“As you can see, manners are extremely important to us here at BIP.” Chris Mcclain announces.
Chef Hatchett cleans up the remains of Reiner. Sweep sweep. The show must go on.
“The show must go on. Let’s give out roses!” Chris Mcclain says.
“Syghie, please give out your rose.”
Syghie throws the rose like a dart towards Ni. Ni blushes, glad of her past self for saving her now.
“Kite, give your rose plz.”
Kite determines the optimal flight vector for throwing her rose to Qoot, who fumbles it because Kite didn’t actually throw it along the right vector. She is not an athlete.
“Joie, please distribute your rose.”
Joie distributes such rose to their twin. They wonder if the introduction of a certain wispy-haired half-devil will complicate the bros’ relationship in the future. They wonder whether Johnnie’s earlier comment about turning evil is actually an example of foreshadowing. The middle school English teacher in their brain awards them 2 extra credit points on the To Kill a Mockingbird exam.
“Ema. Hurry up.”
Ema holds her head high and confidently declares who she wants to give her rose to: “Y/H/N?” Y/H/N gallops up to the podium. Ema smiles at him. “Will you accept this rose?”
“Of course, baby girl.” Y/H/N takes a rose in his mouth like a sugar cube. He smirks at Ema. “Wanna go for a long trot on the beach?”
Ema mounts her steed and leaves. Even Chris Mcclain’s heart grows 3 sizes at this sentiment. However, he is electrocuted by the producers of BIP to turn back into a … grinch. He must remain cold and hateful of Christ and mass.
“Jain, please give your rose. I’m growing impatient” Chris Mcclain whispers in an attempt to be seductive. He winks at Chef Hatchett.
Jain gets the ick from Chris Mcclain’s whisper and walks up to the podium. Her palms are kinda sweaty.
“Natsume, will you accept this rose?”
Natsume smiles a big toothy grin. His two front teeth… well… Jain thinks about a parallel to her own set of twins. “Yes always,” he responds. Natsume gracefully accepts Jain’s rose. Jain and Natsume embrace, and it’s kinda giving romance.
(A/N: I’m realizing that Natsume doesn’t have a lot of full teeth showing smile scenes in Brothers Conflict… how sad).
“Jain, what the fuck!” Lain screeches interrupting this cute little exes to lovers (potentially) moment.
“Jaaaaa! I am going with my heart. Why do you think I would save you?”
Lain is about to grab some hair and get into a messy messy fight. Chris Mcclain, while recognizing this would be a good opportunity for drama, decides to spare Jain from the wrath of Lain.
“Guys I forgot this rule but vampires and half vampires are immune because they came later this week. Everyone from Devil’s Line can stay. Also Morbius. Also Gred and Forge.”
“I can understand the vampires, but why Gred and Forge?” the Oppenheim twins question.
“Because they are ginger and slay, and you guys are bald and don’t slay. Thanos!!” Chris Mcclain calls.
“The hardest choices require the strongest will.” Thanos declares as he politely escorts the Oppenheim twins out. They are soon to meet Eren and Jumin at… the “bottom of the ocean.”
“Does anybody have their will? Who will their properties go to?” Jain whispers to Natsume.
The Property Brothers can’t help but smile at each other. “Their properties are going to us. Sorry everybody. This was all part of our plan. We cannot wait to fix up the homes on Sunset Boulevard.”
The Property Brothers walk off hand in hand (including the third property brother) with no need for a … polite … escort. Chris Mcclain is insider trading by allowing this scam that he has 10% equity in. Someone told his white collar crimes to the FBI… but the beaches of Paradise have no laws.
The resident intern of Paradise, Shigure Souma, is febreezing the beach because there is a high level of formality involved after the procession of many polite escorts.
“All right everybody! That wraps up this week on Bachelor in Paradise. Will our contestants find love? Will the twins win the war? Will they stay abstinent? Stay tuned because…”
Fade to Black. ASMR.
“I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next ...
WEEK ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE.”
---
Unless…
A cone who peruses Del Ray Beach in Florida is alerted. Are there crimes of sensuality and sweet dreams being committed? She must put a stop to this.