Your kisses taste the sweetest with mine

It’s the second day, and Pirate Pete washes up ashore on the beaches of Paradise.

“Captain captain aye aye” says the Sprouts twins.

“Hey Kiddos! Argh argh argh.” Pirate Pete tousles the locks of the children. He begins hacking up seaweed and seashells
.

“Pirate Pete, are you okay?!?” Wells is welling out tears after noticing the sorrow state of his dear friend.

“Yeah I just got into a tiff with that guy, Jack Sparrow. I told him ‘I’m captain now,’ and he got all pissy about it. He was slurring ‘you’ll never be a captain, kid.’ like so rude.”

Everyone actually takes interest in what Pirate Pete has to say for whonce.

“So what did you do?” The Oppenheim brothers ask at the same time because they are identical twins who share the same brain.

“I killed the man. I decked his smelly ass off the ship, and he’s gone now.”

“That’s so yasss and slay of you, Pirate Pete.” Jain declares.

“Let’s celebrate the arrival of Pirate Pete and cheers to Jack Sparrow perishing!” Natsume begins twerking. He is really throwing that ass in a circle.

The party at BIP was going crazzzzzzzzzzy with so many Zs. The Sprouts twins are water gunning everybody. Gred and Forge are making drinks because Wells, the resident bartender of BIP, is letting his hair loose. The Oppenheim twins are building sandcastles trying to get prospective buyers interested. The Property Brothers are full on renovating the sandcastles. There’s some real-real estate drama. Tsubaki and Azusa Asahina are doing body shots because that’s what #twins do. Shigure Souma is snorting a mixture of cocaine and sand (#tropical) and being problematic. Chris Mcclain is spinning the bottle in a circle composed of just him. There’s a lot of him just kissing his hand. Hikaru and Kaoru are sensually rubbing sunscreen into each other’s backs at the same time. Kite is using a fishing rod to yoink Natuski’s glasses on and off his face to flicker between Natsuki and Satsuki.

The party is exquisitely lit.

Over by the cabana, Jain is getting to know Pirate Pete. I mean. It is Bachelor in Paradise. It turned into “Meet your evil twins in Paradise” for a moment, and we’ll get back to that, but for now, it’s BIP.

“So Pirate Pete?” Jain asks.

“Ah yes, the name is Pirate Pete, but you can call me Pete.” Pirate Pete informs with two eyed wink.

“Oh well thanks I guess.” This is not Jain’s usual flirtatious response which is kinda freaking her out a bit. She can’t help responding this way for some reason. She does have something she wants to ask him though.

“Well, Pete.. you see, I also have an interest in killing problematic men, so would you like to help?” Jain enquiries. She’s trying to form an Avengers.

“Ah well, anything for the pretty lady, argh argh.”

“Thank you, Peter!!! I’m going to put you in the group chat.”

You Get Killed? Walk It Off. Chat

[Pirate Pete has joined the chat]
Jain: hey guys i’m adding pete to this chat
Chris Evans: Hey Peter.
PP: it’s Pirate Pete to you !
Joie: what has Pete done to be worthy of being added here, again?
Syghie: i’m wondering the same
Jain: Pete understands how to kill a problematic man. he could really help us!
Kite: According to a recent study I conducted, Pirate Pete did in fact kill a problematic man, Jack Sparrow.
PP: yeah!!! that was me!
Chris Evans: I’m still not fully convinced, but he has potential.
Jain: that’s america’s ass!
Syghie: has america been established in this universe?
Joie: America was a thing of the past.
Kite: I mean, where do you think the city state of Yorknew was established from?
Jain: isn’t america further up the cone [A/N: in our universe, the earth is shaped like a cone, and the events of this story take place on the flat circle part of the cone]
Chris Evans: Yes, and if one were to have America’s ass, it would be me.
PP: so true
Kite: wait joie wasn’t jack sparrow your dad for a little bit
Joie: yeah lol
Jain: uh… you good?
Joie: yeah lol that guy sucked! he wasn’t even really british smh
Joie: thanks pete! i thought i was gonna have to kill him myself but you saved me the trouble
PP: Your welcome!
Syghie: *you’re
Chris Evans: *you’re
Kite: *you’re

“Wow Pete, you fit right in! It was great chatting with you. I’ll let you in on the full plan later. Toodles!” Jain begins waving goodbye when…

“But Jain! Where’s my hug at?” Pilot Pete Peter the Petest solemnly asks.

“No hug Pete sorry! We’re keeping it professional here!” Jain walks away, smirking at herself proud that she is able to resist a man, albeit a mediocre man, but still. It’s the principle!

“Did somebody say, the principal?” A sonorous voice booms from speakers set up in every corner of the cabana, and everyone looks around. Suddenly, in a burst of dick shaped confetti, Shining Saotome swings in on a jungle vine and lands in the middle of the party.

“I just thought the word principle, Shining,” Jain huffs. Syghie crosses her arms, trying not to give away her arousal for seeing him again for the first time. Shining looks to his mistress, and crawls on all fours to curl up at her feet. Syghie scowls down at him, and Shigure Soma, the intern, Kevin Burnses closer.

Syghie syghies. “Shining… My lovely little omega… What are you doing out on the island?”

Shining shimmies with shock. “But… I couldn’t resist! Syghie, I missed you so much.”

“I know puppy, well, if you’re a good boy, you can stay around a little longer.”

“Okay,” Shining yelps and heels. He sits at Syghie’s feet.

“Who is this?” Ni arrives, seeing Shining and looking intrigued.

“This is Shining. Shining, this is Ni.”

“AWOOGA,” says Shining with his heart eyes.

“Why don’t you guys take some time to get… acquainted?” proposes Syghie.

Chris Mcclain interrupts this moment because word got out that some of the contestants were using #illegal cellular devices. He confiscates Jain, Joie, Kite, Syghie, and PP’s phones.

“But Chris, I come from the family Tittenbooben. My father, Sir Tittenbooben, will be having a word with you if you continue to not give us preferential treatment.”

Jain uses her unknown weapon, nepotism. Sometimes, she’s not in the mood to use her hypnaughty arts and decides to gain advantage the old fashioned way.

“B-b-but the integrity of BIP is far too important. You can’t just rowing team yourself out of this one, Jain” Chris explains.

A purple swirling light emerges from Jain’s bosom. A thunder and a lightning descends from the sky, shaking the beaches of BIP. Who is that?

It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger Tittenbooben, the father of Jain… the governor of Japanifornia, originating from Germany.

“Papa!!!” Jain tries to act excited to gain the full effects of nepotism. However, she is not a big fan of her dad. He’s committed many crimes as the governor of Japanifornia, not including the cannibalism rumors because those aren’t attributed to her dad.

“Sorry for arriving late. I was watching Morbius getting pegged.” Arnold Schwarzenegger Tittenbooben declares, out of breath.

Everybody looks disgusted and scared.

“Ugh, he was quaking. It was so sexi~” he drawls, gyrating his hips in an octagonal pattern, resembling the stripes of the German flag in some mysterious way even though the flag is not octagonal at all.

“Papa…den Mund halten. Hilf mir hier raus” Jain speaks in seiner Muttersprache. Her tongue swirls around the vowels, and thrusts the roof of her mouth on the consonants. She is perhaps the first person ever to speak German in such a cool-it girl-poronographic way.

“Oh mein Fehler.” Sir Tittenbooben’s mantits cowers in shame. Everybody is shocked at Jain’s father's strange presence. Natsume, Jain’s former lover, recalls the first time he met Sir Tittenbooben.

—

“So Natsume. You have some tits, but they’re not going to be enough alone to satisfy meine Tochter.” Sir Tittenbooben explains to Nyatsume. His big breasts looking down condescendingly upon Natsumes meager bosoms, barely filling out a B cup.

“Mein Doctor? I don’t speak Jerman?” Jain pats Natsume’s back. It’s okay that Natsume can’t speak her native tongue. They both speak fluent Japanifornian. (A/N: All of this fic has been written in Japanifornian).

“It’s MeiNE TocHtEr, and it’s [G]erman, emphasis on the G. We’re not like Grease, changing our name for copyright infringement purposes. How can you deem yourself worthy of dating the heiress to the Schwartznegger-Tittenbooben empire when you don’t speak our language, don’t even know what letter Germany begins with, and worst of all, have approximately 36B tits, according to my research?”

“But Papa! I’m in the phase in my life where I find gingers very attractive. It’s the indoctrination of the A Team seeping into all of the areas that itch my brain and heart.” Jain tries to defend her mans. Natsume is struggling to hold back his tears. He needs a ciggy.

Natsume goes outside and chain smokes. Jain wishes Natsume would stop killing his lungs, but her dad’s presence could make anybody take up the nicotine.

Jain tries to follow Nyatsume out to the porch, but is halted by her Papa.

“Jain. I’m jk. No, not Jungkook. Unless? No. Ich bin Arnold. I think Natsume is a good guy though. He may not have the specks or the pecks, but he does have good vibes. He reminds me of my favorite artist, Ed Sheeran, my favorite actress, Amy Adams, and my favorite tennis player, Jannik Sinner.”

“Papa.. you’re just listing off red heads, but hey, I’ll take it.”

“Does he not remind you of them?!?” Arnold gasps clenching his melons.

Jain huffs and goes outside, annoyed by her father’s hardtittied nature, but also excited to tell Natsume the news.

“So Natsume… you have my father’s approval.” Jain tucks a hair strand behind her ear. Her ears are tickling with the romance in the air.

Natsume’s ciggy falls out of his mouth, and at this moment, he quit tobacco, his heart fluttering.

—-

As Natsume reminisces on the odd behavior of Sir Tittenbooben, he can’t help but remember all of the lovely, romantic times Jain and him shared before she (cheated on him) [pls i don’t why i made her like this. I need to fix this-A/N]

Schnapping Natsume out of his nostalgic trance is the man of the hour, Sir Arnold Schwarzenegger Tittenbooben’s wrath.

“I will unleash an army so strong to storm the beaches of Paradise, that you will Auf Wiedersehen!!!!”

Chris Mcclain is nervous, but the producers are telling him to egg Jain’s Papa on for maximum reality TV gold.

“I will NOT back down. BIP is an independent nation. You cannot enforce your liberal cellular activity ideologies upon the beaches of Paradise.”

“I AM NOT A LIBERALLLLLLLL” Arnold tits grow 10X as he uses his CELLULAR DEVICE to call Eren Jaeger.

“Rumbling rumbling rumbling.” Eren whispers

Chris Mcclain is quaking in fear. The producers are in a trance. Has there ever been TV this good?

What’s that in the sea? In the distance, what looks like a billion pairs of titanic boobs are marching. They have been summoned.

All of the contestants scream. Gred and Forge kiss. This may be their last time. The Oppenheim brothers grow more bald if that’s possible. The Property Brothers take cover in their newly renovated sandcastle. It’s mayhem.

“I’ll save everyone!! I can do it” Pirate Pete declares dipping a puppy (A/N: his toe) into the water.

Pirate Pete descends into the sea. The waves cannot carry him back. He cries out for his mom, Barb.

“Joie, you and I are the only ones who can stop this. We must save BIP.” Jain declares.
The two set sail, ready to defeat the evil titties.

The wind speed was over 69 knots (😏) as they set off into the Care of Being Sea. The crystal clear water sparkled in the mid-day sun, and the Gay Rainbow™ sailboat sliced through the drink.

Joie tacked and gybed the boat back and forth, as the boob army whipped the wind up into record-setting speeds. Hurricane tortilla has nothing on hurricane titty!

“I’ll make sure the jib stays in place, you focus on holding back the boob army!” Joie shouted at Jain, who gave him a very suave thumbs up.

Jain strikes the first 100 million boob titans with her titty lasso as she rises above the ship.

Joie tacks and tacks, steering the boat into a whirlpool so Jain can trap the thiddies with her lasso as tightly as she can. The winds are so strong that the boat nearly capsizes, but Joie calls upon the knowledge bestowed upon him by his problematic pirate dad (May he rest in piss like queen Elizabeth) and saves the Rainbow™ from certain doom in Davey Jones’ bussy.

The TITans all drown into the sea. A killer whale monches on the fleshy tittys. A little treat for the whales.

Jain is in full epic anime battle mode. Goku can rearrange the universe or some shit, but can he emit so much power from his tits that he full on stops the boobening? Jain harnesses her full poTITential knocking down one boob and 898 million boobs collapse in dominhoes. The dominant hoe, Jain, has weakened the #ARMYs (A/N: I love J HOPE don’t kill me) power down to the final tits: the attack titan tits.

“Eren stop this. This isn’t you.” Jain tries to convince her old friend.

“STOP. The BIP producers took away my iPAD. I must violently protest against these cellular device laws.”

“But Eren. Violence is not the answer. Well, it may be when I defeat your #ARMY BUT (A/N: Jin does not enlist in my universe). We can forge a new Paradussy. One where you can play Roblox, and I can manage the group chat dedicated to killing problematic men through our devices. Hey, you could even join my group?” Jain suggests.

“But I am a problematic man.”

“Oh shit, you’re right.” Jain responds and in one kick tit serve, Jain defends her title of the biggest tits in the open Era and whacks Eren into the depths of the ocean. He’s dead. Maybe these authors will FINALLY let him rest. Unless…?

Eren greets Jumin at the bottom of the sea in the remains of the titanic. Perhaps, they will forge a new, romantic future.

Everybody at BIP rejoices and applauds the iconic rumbling stopping duo. Joie and Jain bow their heads. Reiner raises his tits, nipples perking up.

“I was sleep. What just happened?”

“Ugh Reiner, you made me do all the work myself! Your manboobs could’ve contributed something!”

“Jain!!! Meine Tochter. Ich bin sehr PROUD OF DU!!!” Sir Tittenbooben exclaims, hugging Jain.

“Papa?!? Jaaa the fuck?!” Jain curses in her native tongue.

“This was your greatest test yet, and you slayed. My job here is done.” Sir Tittenbooben uses his tit propellers to ascend into the sky, leaving the beaches of Paradise.

Chris Mcclain comes out of his bunker.

“Thanks for the awesome TV guys.” he says, still shaking.

“I’m going to take a nap. Reiner, you better stand guard.” Jain declares.

“Fineeeee” Reiner rolls his eyes. Jain goes zzz in her beach chair.

Natsume looks over at Jain taking a zzz. Is he falling in love with her again? Was he ever out of love with her?

A wheeled man watches on in Germany.

“And I thought two fingers were enough, but maybe just two tits were enough pfft.”

—

You may have forgorten #jerman, that we still must address the twin situation.

Following the surprisingly non-tragic events of the rumbling, Kite and Qoot analyze their results. They unethically science’d to get results from the rest of the lab grown twins (only our MCs, ofc), and are giggling over a MATLAB sheet together.

“Aww, look! Jain and Lain’s episodic memory scores only have a difference of 0.67 points!” Kite coos, entering their data into a spreadsheet. Qoot looks over, smiling.

“That’s so cute. Johnnie and Joie have a 0.24% difference in scores in processing speed, executive function, and attention!” Qoot sighs happily, and rests her head on Kite’s shoulder (A/N: there is no twincest, Kite and Qoot have both found solidarity in another #womaninSTEM for the first time and are happy to have a FRIEND.) Kite and Qoot had had near identical scores, with minute differences in inhibitory control and updating memory. Kite and Qoot are having a great time together, organizing data into spreadsheets, running analyses with online calculators, and listening to video game music on loop.

As the pursuit theme in Polly Just Ice: A Sexual Attorney (based on the real events that happened to Apollo Justice, the ace attorney who worked under Phoenix Wright) fades out, Qoot frowns. “Hey Kite, could you take a look at this?”

Kite leans over, looking at Qoot’s screen. “These are Syghie’s and Ni’s scores,” Qoot explains. “There are some minor differences, but look at the trend they follow.” Qoot pulls up a second chart, pulled from an article on cognitive scores changing during the aging process. She subtracts Syghie’s score from Ni’s, and plots it against a graph of average changes in cognition after three years.

Kite gasps, quickly running a test of significance to determine if there was any syghnificant difference between the published scores and the Syghie-Ni score difference. The pee values… are so close to 1. Tantalizingly close to one. Kite and Qoot quickly excuse themselves to the bathroom because the P values are going to make them Pee.

One Piss later (A/N: WE ARE!), Kite and Qoot return to look at the data. They look into each other’s eyes, trying to get some twin telepathy to gain clarity in this slightly nerve wracking matter.

“Well,” Qoot starts, “this could be just a coincidence,” she says, though no conviction is held in her tone, and Kite looks at her worriedly.

“Jain and Lain, Johnnie and Joie, and yours and mine don’t map nearly as well to this trendline,” Kite says. “It doesn’t pass the chi square test of homogeneity.” (Qoot and Kite laugh at the homo in homogeneity).

“So, what does this mean?” Qoot asks. “Syghie and Ni aren’t twins, but the same people at different points in time?”

Kite looks at Qoot worriedly. “That hypothesis is supported, but I honestly don’t know if we should collect more data.” (There are no cameras on Kite and Qoot doing nerd shit rn). “If the rumor come out: does Ni is not Syghie twin, then that means that Ni isn’t a valid twin, and might get kicked off the show. But, if Ni is Syghie, then where is the real Ni?”

Qoot sweats. “Do you think Syghie in the future might have done something to the clone Ni? I mean, I don’t think- well, based on your memories- that Syghie could do something cruel to her own twin.”

Kite nods. “I’m pretty sure Syghie would fuck her own twin, like as a major fantasy.”

Qoot nods in agreement. “So maybe she… fucked her twin hard enough that she couldn’t make it onto the island?”

Kite wrinkles her nose. “I think Syghie said once that one of her major fantasies is to have a clone and when they do pleasurable things to the clone, she can experience the pleasure for themselves.”

Qoot purses her lips. “So you’re saying that if future Syghie fucked Ni, she would be lost in the sensation of fueling Ni’s carnal pleasures and probably wouldn’t be able to make it on the BIP set in time with the rest of us.”

Chris McClain materializes in a 2008 Microsoft PowerPoint blocky transition next to Kite and Qoot, who screech in sync (and then high five, and note it down).

“Actually,” Chris says thoughtfully. “The twin reveal was actually delayed by half an hour.”

Qoot and Kite look at each other, and think the same thought at the same time. The fastest Syghie has bounced back after a particularly passionate session with Principal Saotome (Syghie had texted Kite “i just came LOL, i can come help assemble IKEA furniture soon”) was twenty three minutes, and the clone spawning location was a ten minute walk from the filming set. But it’s only seven if you gay powerwalk.

The pair look to Chris McClain. “If… the Ni on set isn’t the Ni scheduled to be here,” Kite starts nervously. “Would anything happen to her?”

Chris McClain think thonk thinks. “Hmmmm,” he thunks pensively. “I mean, the clones only signed their contract while on set. So regardless of the identity of the signer, they are bound to the agreement, and I can’t kick them out. However, there could be legal ramifications as to someone who wasn’t Ni signing off on Ni’s behalf. Therefore, the Ni-mpostor could be subject to legal issues after this season of BIP ended. But neither I, nor the film crew could do anything now.”

Qoot and Kite shrug. “Well, I guess that gives us some time.” Qoot says. “But if the Ni on set is an Ni-mpostor, then what’s happening to the real Ni?”

Chris McClean shrugs. “Something could have happened to her during the Rumbling.” Kite and Qoot panik. PANIK! They scramble onto their Mary Jane clad feet, grab some secret supplies, and sprint out to find the real Ni.

Chris McClain watches them leave. “Ha ha ha,” he laughs. “Wonder what’s gonna happen. I do not know. I am evil though so I will throw a wrench in whatever they do. Evilly.” He laughs again. And then……. he stole the vampire artifact from Grease! Oh shit it’s… Oedipus Rex.

“Oedipus Rex,... Is it true. Did you fuck your mom.”

Oedipus goes … “Maybe. It might be so. I come bringing guests.”

With him, he brought…. Vampires from grease!

Morbius stands gauntly in his black hoodie and motions a clawed hand.

More people enter! It’s Yuuki and that girl, Tsukasa, from Devil’s Line! Also, it’s…

Morbius morbs morbidly, moping musingly, musically mumbling, “Here are the people with the vampire illness I have that I found! We are both from Grease (emphasis on the ease) and both have vampire powers! Woo.”

An array of ‘pires (Well, technically devils, but whatever) stand in a line behind Morbius.

“Allow us to introduce ourselves,” they say, like that Veggietales meme.

Everyone introduces themselves, as you can imagine.

An emo boy wearing a black sweatshirt and chains makes a disinterested and brooding look towards the fourth wall.

“I’m Yuki Anzai… stay away from me,” he scoffs. A vine boom sound effect plays in Jain’s brain.

Next, a lanky boi with long, silky white hair covering his left eye morbs forward.

“I’m Hans Lee. Nice to “meat” you,” he says mischievously. Joie’s blit (A/N: Boy clit, if you don’t know that then get the hell out!!) throbs as “Every Time We Touch” by Cascada plays in their brain.

I need him. He will be mine, he thinks, also in his brain.

“I’m Naoya Ushio. I’ve never manipulated anyone in my life.” A cute guy who looks manipulative asf smirks out at everyone. (smork)

Kite, who finds skillful manipulation of a situation hot in a educational, intriguing way, thinks awooga in her head.

Jill Lloyd, with her bold blue eyeshadow and cute blonde hairdo skips, comes up to Syghie. “I like your blue hair.”

“Thanks, I think you’re hot.” says Syghie.

They skip off together.

—

It is the end of day 2 of Paradise and before going to sleep, Oedipus looks PENISively at a picture of his dear mom.

“I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next night.”