Good in Bed
Click clack. Stomp stomp. Webbed feet covered by luxurious balenciussy boots.
Duo’s soaking up the sun at the beach. His baby birds (toes) are spread in his boots that are spread in the sand. He’s sipping his Sprite on the rocks just thriving. Outsiders on the beach see him from a distance and as a result, they distance themselves in fear that he will retaliate against them for their lack of language practice. Good choice. Duo thinks to himself. While Duo is on vacation, he will still ensure any one near him will hear his notification to practice their languages. He recognizes this is not exactly pleasant to the general public though. He will let them get away this time, as long as they don’t come within a 10 ft radius of Duo.
(A/N: I verified that Duo is a boy who goes by he/him via Google because I wasn’t sure tbh.)
There’s somebody still in Duo’s perimeter… a lady. Is Duo Hallucinating? He feels like she’s got him in Love Again. It’s almost as if he’s Levitating (non-Dababy version) (boku no sensou mashup version). God, I hope she won’t Break My Heart, he thinks.
Duo is getting ahead of himself. He doesn’t even know if she’s practicing her language lessons. He’s got New Rules when it comes to love:
One: don’t pick up the phone. You know she’s only skipping her streaks all alone.
Two: don’t let her in. You’ll have to notify her again.
Three: don’t be her friend. You know you’ll have to be her language teacher in the morning.
And if you’re not language teaching, you aren’t worth anything.
With that depressing outlook on love, Duo prepares himself for the worst. He stands up, heading towards the direction of this mysterious dame, his balenciussys kicking up the sand. Despite the loud chh chh sound of Duo’s glide on the sand, the lady pays him no mind. She’s looking down intensively on her phone. Duo peers over her shoulder, in a terrifying way.
Picture that owl’s shadow behind you while you sit on the beach with his loud beak breathing. He’s ready to notify you at any second that you’re losing your 5 day streak of learning the Japanifornian dialect. Duo’s pretty scary in general, but he also committed crimes. He has a criminal record for kidnapping, I heard. He also wields a powerful knife collection that he allegedly used in his attempt at murdering Sho Fuwa. I think he’s deserving of love because he pays child support to Scrub Daddy. Plus, killing Sho Fuwa is tasteful. (A/N: Sho Fuwa is the ugly blonde bastard in Skip Beat! RAT!)
When Duo, young maidenless, peered over the young maiden’s shoulder, he did not expect to see something so … invigorating. She is simply completing her 999 day streak of learning Greak like from the county, Grease.
“Hey, why don’t you take a break from language lear-” Duo cuts himself off in shock. He has never said something so controversial. This is so unlike him. He is worthless without his teachings… or so he thinks! He is actually so much more wahhh.
“Oh… I’m sorry Sir. I’m just about to finish my 999 day streak in Gre-” the damsel also cuts herself off when she notices who just spoke to her. A man she respects so much. He has taught her so many things. “Oh! You’ve taught me many things!”
Embarrassed by her admission, she drops her phone into the sands. They both immediately reach down to pick it up, feathers brushing fingers, and they both freeze. Duo turns, a pink tint peeking through his plumage, and finds the damsel looking at him with an identical expression. He gently picks up her device, and holds it aloft to her betwixt two feathers.
“If I’ve been able to teach a maiden like you anything, then I believe it is all worth it,” Duo exhales, charmed by her beauty. “If I may be as bold as to ask, what is your name?”
The maiden blushes prettily. “My name is Dula Peep, but my closest friends call me Dua.”
“Ah, Dua! A beautiful name, yet mine, though similar, rings not half as sweet.”
“But Duo, it’s nearly the same!” Lady Dua tilts her head in a regency way.
“το όνομα είναι τόσο όμορφο όσο αυτή που το φοράει, και σε όλα μου τα ταξίδια δεν έχω γνωρίσει κανένα πιο όμορφο” he says in Grease. Reader-chans, to understand what this means, download Duolingo today and learn Gre(a/e)k. Lady Dua gasps, and leans closer to him.
Our OCs watch this romantic encounter play out, sipping virgin penis coladas on the beach.
“Man, jury duty makes my brain hurt,” complains Kite.
“I know right. I can’t believe I could’ve been having a hot guy summer with L and Feitan, but instead, I had to hear that damn owl that’s not as hot as Duo blather on and on and on…” Joie grumbles.
“Yeah fr. In court, I was telling Syghie about how I thought Bakugo was hiding his dick in that box because he seems like the type of guy who gets inspiration from old SNL skits that aren’t all that funny anymore. Well, actually dick in the box is kinda classic, but fuck Justin Timberlake. Anyways, the judge gave me the stank eye for that!” Jain compl(J)ains.
“I couldn’t help but just Syghie the whole time!” syghieing Syghie whines.
Jain decides to get up out of her seat built to accommodate her back issues because … yk. “I think I’ll go get us another round by the bar.” She dusts some of the sand off of her Mary Jains, and begins to walk to the little bar manned by truly the blandest man she’s ever seen. He’s not bland … well. He is named Wells.
“Hey my b-b-bartender,” Jain stutters in Lana Del Rey. “I’d like 4 full bottles of Jagermeister, on the house.”
“Ummm are you even on Bachelor in Paradise? You can’t get that kind of quality liquor that was originally developed in 1934 and currently has Post Malone as its brand ambassador for free!”
Jain’s boobs go into orbit (boorbit). A complete disgrace to deem her unworthy of the pride of her hometown!
Kite lowers her sunglasses, and looks back towards the bar. “Wait, are we even on the Bachelor in Paradise? We fully have jury duty.”
“Well,” Wells begins, tears welling from his eyes. “ABC is thinking about canceling Bachelor in Paradise (A/N: Don’t worry reader-chans. this is only true in Japanifornia! BIP returns this fall in the multiverse country - America), so I’m actually recruiting for it right now. We would start filming in a few weeks once I am able to get the greenlight from the producers. I need an excellent cast though to make this work…”
A man who is very out of place in his shoddy managerial outfit speaks up, “Actually, I have the perfect candidate right here! I manage the famous actor, Ren Tsuruga!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“REN TSURUGA?!” Everyone gasps. He’s like 8 feet tall with a jawline cut from glass. His shoulders are so broad they can expand from one end of Japanifornia to the next. Not to mention, he’s such a great actor. Legend says he method acted for his role of Cain Hill.
As one would expect at this point, Jain is a huge fan. So much so that upon spotting Ren from his manager’s pointed finger, she sits next to him and fans him. Yes, with her detachable titty fan propellers. It is a hot day, and it’s what he deserves.
“Umm, you are?” Ren questions, smiling his gentlemanly smile, but there’s something darker in those eyes…
“Oh hiii Ren! I’m just a huge fan hehehe! As you are an actor, taking care of your skin and staying cool and hydrated is super important! That is why I am fanning you!” Jain explains.
“Well, thank you. I couldn’t ask that of a fan though. However, I can’t say it doesn’t feel nice…”
Kite gasps. “You think she’s just a fan? Just an object?” She gets mad and almost yeets her drink at him, but Jain’s tiddy extends and holds her arm back (her tiddies can stretch and move like Luffy’s body in One Piece).
“No no, it’s not like that! I love and appreciate all fans of my work as human beings.” Ren tries to save himself, but Kite is still not exactly pleased.
“Listen, this is my pleasure. For real, my fanning of you certainly does things to me. I hope that’s not … uncomfortable for you.” Jain explains.
Kite decides this is awkward. No woman in STEM calculations needed- she is right. She turns and looks at the ocean (A/N: just like in One Piece), lowers her shades again, and pretends to not see Jain and Ren have a… thing.
“No, I mean. I would do anything for my fans. If this gives you some sort of … pleasure, then go for it.” Ren responds.
He’s somehow still cool as a cucumber? Coolio as a cuke? It’s a little bit odd because Jain sees flickers of the darkness in his eyes. He seems attracted to her, but he’s keeping it so professional. Meanwhile, Jain is a mess mentally. Why won’t he fully give in to his desires?
“Well guys the sun is setting soon. Are you guys gonna star on Bachelor in Paradise or not?!” Wells begins yells. He was nicer when he welled tears.
Syghie looks over. “Where is it?”
“It’s a road trip. We start here in the city state of Yorknew, but we end the season in Japanifornia.”
“Do we get paid?” asks Joie, sipping their penis colada.
“Since this is The Bachelor In Paradise: Ice Road Truckers Edition, yes, you get paid. Filming starts two weeks from today, we’ll need you packed and ready to sign off on some paperwork in one, and your first paycheck will hit four weeks out.”
Our OCs exchange a look. Well, they need to get back to Japanifornia anyways…
“We’re in,” they say in unison. Wells nods, exchanges numbers with the group, and puts them in contact with the BIP:IRT agents. He then props up the wheels on the minibar, extends the bike attachment, and cycles away, pulling the apparently portable minibar behind him.
“Jain, I’m sorry, but I need to leave soon.” Ren huffs, beginning to gather his belongings together like his longboard that when fully extended has grazed Zero on the moon (Idk if I’ve mentioned this before but Ren is really tall).
Jain is so confused. She has been foreplaying for hours, and Ren isn’t getting much out of this except for a great fan. Does he just not want to fuck or?
“Ren, if you want to stay longer, I would love to spend more time with you. We could uhh” Jain is lost in her thoughts. Her imagination runs wild. If his legs extend to the length of the Eiffel Tower legs, then she can only dream of how long that girthy members hidden in his swim trunks would be.
“Jain, I apologize, but the sun is setting and I just…”
“Ren, do you have a girl at home or something?”
Ren’s eyes widen. That is not the case. In this universe, Kyoko doesn’t exist simply because I want Jain to rebuild her harem and Kyoko would be a conflict of interest.
“I actually don’t have a girl at home. It’s just that I am very image conscious as an actor. Who I become at night is not something I want the media to find out about. I lock myself up every night like a werewolf in heat. It’s a terrible way to live, but for the sake of my career and world peace, it must be done.”
Kite intrudes on the conversation because straight people are funny, lifting her shades to re-enter conversation. “Do you mean like an alpha or omega werewolf? Be specific.” Jain makes a face at her for ruining the mood.
“Like an alpha…”
Kite raises an eyebrow. “Uh huh. Sure.”
“Kite, he’s like the tallest man in the world. If he’s not an alpha nobody can be. I mean, look at Zen. That rat-tailed bastard became an alpha with just a serum. And he’s a little bitch boy!” Jain reasons.
“I’m just saying, even the tallest man can get bent in half.” She puts her shades back down.
“Speaking of bitch boys,” says Joie, “what’s going on with Yoosung while the trial is on hold for the weekend?”
“He’s spending it in jail. Poor little bitch boy. Honestly, I don’t know if we’ll see him again.” Syghie syghies.
“Wdym?” abbreviates Kite.
“I mean, I don’t know if they’re gonna get this advisor in court. Without that, I don’t think Bakugo has a case. But they’ll figure something out.”
Before anyone can respond, a car horn is sensually pressed, a hand thrusting down on the button to release two short honks of pleasure. Beep beep~ Ren begins walking off. His manager, Mr. Yashiro is waiting in the passenger seat of Ren’s car, caressing the wheel.
“Ren, before you go! Let me walk you out,” Jain finally begins accepting defeat, but it would be impolite to let Ren travel alone to his car.
Meanwhile, on the moon, Gru senses Jain is losing a man’s attention for the first time in her life. Gru cannot let this stand. He stomps on the moon and ropes the sun down. It’s rapidly becoming night.
Zero is sad that Gru is just letting this happen, but there is a power system for living on the moon. Zero is a Level E moonlander, so he has no say in when the native, Gru decides to make it night and day.
Ren is in shock. This cannot be happening. He had at least 30 minutes to get out of there before the other man that lives in him emerged. Alas, Jain is here, and it is night. The King of the Night: Ren Tsuruga has appeared. He looks down upon Jain with their kawaii height difference being about 30 feet. Jain looks into his eyes and cannot believe the blind items she read on Deux Moi were true. The King of the Night exists in JapanifollyWood (the land of the rich and the famous), and he’s Ren Tsuruga himself. He smirks and finally groans those words Jain was waiting for:
“I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next night.”