The Goodest Soup
“But wait! Before you can show her a sweet dream, next night… YOU CAN’T! It is not BIP yet!” Wells begin welling tears to prevent Ren Tsuruga from committing the grave repeat offense of StagecoachGate 2019.
Stagecoachgate was a crazy thing on Season 6 of Bachelor in Paradise in which all of the contestants were fucking each other at a hicksville music festival before the filiming of Bachelor in Paradise! Wells nearly fells as he recalled this scandalous gate.
(A/N: also what are y’alls opinions on Sweden gate?! Why are they so damn stingy? Also, there has been Scandinavian tennis drama with Rune and Ruud this week too? Wtf is going on in Northern Europe?)
Jain huffs and puffs and nearly tears down the whole beach. “This is good for TV. The fanbase #bachelornation will be pleased to know that I have effed Ren prior to BIP. It makes me a cool, fun, flirty villain.” Her logic is correct. As a viewer of BIP myself, reader-chans, I would be entertained… (unfortunately).
Meanwhile, the King of the Night begins howling in an embarrassing show of his heat. He simply does not care about the implications of a potential Bachelor in Paradise #tittygate stain on his career at this very moment. He has gone full alpha mode. It’s kinda giving omega though Idk.
Mr. Yashiro is quick with his fingers …. in more ways than one… he texts the president immediately.
The President of the United States, Kim Namjoon.. Wait .
The President of LME (the entertainment company) Lory Takarada hears that Ren Tsuruga is about to embarrass his company with his wolfish desires. Lory has invested far too much in Ren. He has planted so much corn ;) (A/N: heh sick skip beat reference if you ask me)
Lory storms the beaches of Normandy. No. Wait. The beaches of YorkNew. Sorry for all the waits. Pls be patient, my lovely reader-chans.
Everyone cranes their necks to peer into the mysterious sexy eyes of the one and only, Lory Takarada. He is dressed in a royal garb that is so camp that it’s surprisingly tasteful.
His crown? Imported from Grease.
His webbed dogs? Authentic from his Wales brethren.
His (vegan but still luxurious) fur coat? Hand sewn by Dyor.
His dick? 100% Japanifornian.
Suddenly, a spotlight emerges from the hands of God, Lory Takarada. The light captures Ren Tsuruga, and before Jain can even block the spotlight with her you know whats, the King of the Night dissipates. Lory has sent him to the moon. Ren Tsuruga is safe from the King of the Night until the next month when the full moon comes.
Ren lets out a phew after getting that demon king out of him. He is now cool as a cucumber once again. Jain’s seductivity will fail her once again, shockingly.
Ren drives off with Mr. Yashiro without even a wink Jain’s way… just a little polite wave.
Jain’s emotions and boobs stir and stew in anger. Before she knows it, a questionable soup has been produced via her twin sisters.
Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver, appears at this moment to let her know something important: “Good soup.”
Lory Takarada also appears to try some soup, but more importantly to try giving Jain some advice.
“You know, I’ve heard stories about Jain Tittenbooben before, and I have to say that I think my assumptions about you were correct.”
“Wdym.” Jain flatlines.
“You don’t know how to properly commit yourself to love. You’re afraid of it, and that’s why you keep running away by skipping from one fling to the next.”
Jain’s other set of twins, her eyebrows, furrow. Why is Lory Takarada always right?
“If you ever want to join the entertainment industry, give this number a call. I have a section at my company that’s perfect for you.” Lory hands Jain his business card. Jain’s already quite infamous in this universe tbh, so she doesn’t really need it but….
Jain watches Lory get into his gold plated carriage in wonder. Before he leaves, Lory has one more thing to say:
“I have one more thing to say. I can feel it from here. There is somebody that you are already starting to fall in love with. It’s early, but don’t run from it.”
And with that… he’s gone. Jain mulls it over. Who the hell is he talking about? Jain is over love and more importantly, marriage contracts. Business Proposal has been over for like 2 months now. It’s hoe era only for Jain at this moment. Come to think of it though, why does her heart keep yearning for something approximately 3,892 miles away?
NO!!!! Jain’s mind screams at her. How can she be thinking of him right now? In an attempt to forget that she could be capable of real feelings, Jain decides to watch Novax Joker get crushed by the GOAT, Rafael Nadal at the French Open at the sandbar of YorkNew Beach. Somewhere approximately 3,892 miles another person tries his best to deny his feelings by distracting himself with a good cup of tea every day. Jagermeister would be more effective…
Meanwhile, Kite looks across the beach, and settles into her beach chair, letting herself rest. Nothing batshit can happen at the beach, right? She looks across the gentle waves to the sun, and barely registers the two figures running across the water. Wait, across the water? Are there TWO JESUSES? She springs out of her seat, and rushes to the shore to look at what might be the second second coming of Christ (because there’s two Jesus).
Kite squints. Wait, why is Jesus swinging a briefcase? And since when did Jesus use so much profanity?
“GET BACK HERE, YOU GODDAMN WHORE. GODDAMN. FUCKING THIEF. SHIT.” It’s Defense Attorney Bakugo! Wait, does that make Defense Attorney Bakugo Jesus? He’s still wearing his court fit, and is chasing down a taller figure skipping across the waves, with a strangely familiar magical aura.
Kite turns around to yell for Jain. She’s pretty good at identifying men. “JAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE?”
Jain lowers her sunglasses, then lowers the sunglasses she had perched on her titties. She squints. “That’s Defense Attorney Bakugo,” says the left tiddy. “That’s Chrollo Lucilfer!” exclaims the right tiddy!
Kite gives her a thumbs up, and turns back to look at the ocean. Chrollo has turned around to look at Bakugo approaching, and then holds out his hand. In a flash of light, Bakugo suddenly plops into the water, and splashes back above, sputtering. “MY QUIRK! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO! GODDAMN BITCH! FUCK!” Chrollo simply raises an eyebrow, snaps his fingers with sparks fluttering out of his hands.
He leans closer to Bakugo, and lowers his hand close to Bakugo’s nose, and snaps again. Bakugo is yeeted (A/N: yote?) out of the water and tossed towards the shore, skipping on the waves like a rock thrown across the water, each dip into the water the only thing stopping the stream of profanities. He skids, face first, next to Kite, and another wave crashes over his body, coating his body with a thin layer of sand and pebbles.
Kite sinks down. “That’s rough, buddy,” she says sympathetically, patting his blond head. Pat pat. He groans into the sand, and pushes himself up, spitting out seawater. “What happened?”
“That stupid goddamn thief. That whore was the fucking assisstant. I knew it. I knew it! Yoosung’s so fucking dumb I swear to God. Good thing he’s still paying me.” His thicc Staten Island accent is angrier than it was in court, as he spits sand back into the ocean. Ew.
“Oh, that’s Trollo Bapholmet? Huh, I guess that was Chrollo after all. Makes sense.”
“Yeah, that’s the guy. Bailiff tried to get him to court, but the guy fucking poofed out with some magic nen shit. I’ve been blowing up buildings all across Yorknew to catch this guy, and he started running across the ocean.”
Kite frowns. “Blowing up buildings? Isn’t that illegal?”
DA Bakugo shrugs. “I’m a fucking defense attorney, what’s the worst that could happen? I defend myself? Dumbass.” Kite smacks him in woman in STEM.
“Anyways,” he continues, “Chrollo’s been pulling this shit across city-state lines with a whole bunch of piss babies like Yoosung. I’ve been consulting on most of these cases, and had the bastard pinned almost ten times now. He pulls the same shit almost every time. No clue what he wants the money for, but he’s making bank.”
“Damn. Anyways, what’s gonna happen with Yoosung?”
Bakugo groans. “He’s not completely off the hook, but I managed to get the fraud charge off of him and onto Chrollo’s extensive record. He had to suck off the gavel to get his fine reduced to three thousand jenny, but he’s gonna be okay.”
Kite gasped. “The gavel that cum’s wood polish? Is he okay?”
“Eh, we rushed him to the hospital pretty quickly. He’ll be fine. Anyways, I gotta get back to tracking down that bastard. Trial concluded, so no more jury duty for you and your friends.” Bakugo cracks his knuckles (somewhere else, Knuckles the Echidna whines in pain and pleasure), and prepares to sprint back across the water.
“Good luck, DA Bakugo,” Kite says, rising off of the sand. “But how are you going to keep running across the water without your quirk? I kinda just assumed you used little explosions to propel yourself across.” Bakugo looks at her with a… Biblical expression? And takes off across the water, sprinting into the late afternoon sun. Reader-chans, what does this mean?
POV: Syghie
I put my little puppies in the ice cold water of the beach and syghied with relief. “I motherfucking love water,” I say decisively.
Now to resolve my own predicaments… I guess if I’m going to be hoeing it up on the Bachelor in Paradise road trip, I better mention that to Shining… we will not be able to make our usual monthly rendezvous…
I would like to see that man before I go.
I stand up at the water’s edge and concentrate a little. I activate my Ren, my aura flaring up around me in blue and green waves. Using my Manipulation abilities, I can track whoever has recently had my cosmic cock. It has been a little while since I last saw Shining Saotome, but not long enough for my sensing abilities to run dry. I find his little prickly red head in Japanifornia. I concentrate and grunt and pluck him out of his bed and summon his essence to me on the beach. His torso pops out of the air, inside a swirling blue-green portal.
“Hello, Shining.” I greet him.
“Hello, Syghie.” He says. He takes off his glasses. “What’s up?”
‘Well, I’m going to be entering a special little show called Bachelor in Paradise and I will not be able to see you again… Not at least until later on…”
“Syghie! W-what? How much later on???”
“Four maybe two months…”
“But Syghie… you can call me right? Even if your phone is going to be taken away? I mean, look at us right now.”
A beat. I notice he is totally right - we are talking with only the use of Nen, no cellular or Wi-Fi needed.
“Huh, I guess you are actually correct. However… There’s going to be cameras everywhere, Saotome.”
“We can find a place with no prying eyes,” he says lavasciously. I always liked his mischievous nature.
I’m sure we can, Shining, I stroke his gelled hair, I’m sure we can.
Syghie POV end.
-
As the rest of the original characters resolve their respective dilemmas before embarking on the great Japanifornian road trip, Joie heads towards the Hut Song river to contemplate a dilemma of his own.
“What’s going to happen to L and Light while I’m away? How will their cat and mouse game finally end?” Joie thinks pensively. A rat scuttles across his feet but he doesn’t even notice.
Joie stops halfway across the Book Land bridge to admire the sunset. The Hut Song sparkles like an orange opal, and our hero can’t help but notice the similarity between this late evening vista and that outside the blimp’s window during his confrontation with Light just a few days ago. He suddenly feels the same presence as he did on that fateful day, and swivels around again quite Chris Hansen-ly, expecting to find his (admittedly quite smexy) arch-nemesis.
Light was, in fact, standing behind Joie like a fucking creep. However, another presence had accompanied him unseen- the gaunt, kind of freaky but still hot, figure known as L.
“Yo,” L says nonchalantly, giving a small wave. “I guess we have to talk. I don’t think we do, but my asshole boyfriend dragged me here.”
“What do you say about me when I’m not around??” Light grimaces.
“Not much. Anyway, Light wanted us to all have a conversation about all the shit that went down.”
“But I thought we already talked, ki… I mean Light?” Joie shoots the redhead a pointed expression.
“We did, but I’ve changed my mind about some things,” says Light, turning to Joie. “You are a drugdoer and sexhaver with blue hair and pronouns.”
“And YOU,” he raises his voice, turning to L. “You’re a drugdoer, cheater, and the only thing standing in the way of Kira’s glorious new world.”
He strikes a dramatic but kind of lame pose. Kind of like a floppy disk.
The angry tension rises, the air becoming humid and hot and sweaty.
“I am going to devour you alive,” growls Light, raising a hand. L doesn’t even flinch as Light winds up. Joke watches in anticipation - suddenly! Light’s hand extends out and snatches Joie’s collar and brings them close. “Both of you,” Light snarls, before violently clashing his teeth against the other two. It is super erotic and the physics are interesting but they work somehow.
“Thought you wanted to talk,” Joie pants into Light’s shoulder.
“Shut up, Baka,” Light growls, and continues his vicious ministrations.
—-
“Alright, gamers, here are your permission forms to sign for the show.” Chris Mcclain’s beady little oily Greasian eyes shine with bloodlust.
He throws the papers up into the air, and with the power of cartoon physics, they land in neat piles in everyone’s hands.
The first is an NDA. The second, is an agreement for STD testing. The third, is a list of rules for BIP.
They were as follows:
No phones or devices that can distract from your love-finding experience.
No running by the pool.
No sex unless in the Boom Bomb tomb
Don’t pee in the potted plants. Or poop in them neither.
If there is a fire, do not try to run. Accept your fate and die.
Wash your rice before cooking, not after.
No lashing out at anyone on the staff, unless with a sex toy whip.
No sneaking any unregistered members onto the set of the show.
No removing your microphones unless you have to shid.
If an iceberg hits the ship, rich people board the life vessels last. Eat the rich
No sleeping with producers unless they’re hot
No not having sex. Always have sex ;)
No Tahzjuan slander
Keep an eye out for Pirate Pete.
If you’re having an argument, you need to stop intermittently to make sure you take time to come to a confessional recording before swinging at each other again.
No non Jagermeister bottles are allowed. If you wish to drink something else, put it in a Jagermeister bottle. They are kindly sponsoring us.
SIGNATURE: ________________________________________ DATE: _____________
Everyone doesn’t read the papers and signs away. Chris darkly smiles and chuckles. Yes, like Chuckles.
“You have no idea what you’re in for.”
“Uh, yeah, we do? It’s the BIP!”
“Mwahahahahahahahahaha,” Chris says in a low tone. Unbeknownst to the contracted, they were to be swept away to a paradise of bachelors, but not quite in the way they were anticipating…
“I’ll also show you a sweet dream next night,” Chris smiles, his pearly whites glowing until they take up the entire screen. Cut to black.