He is risen!
“Masaomi (he/they), you’re really not traveling across the sea, over their?” Jain points to the west of Germany to Ireland because that is where the gang is going.
“No. I mean, I have to take care of my peepawtastic friend in the Germany hospital over their.” Masaomi points to the East, towards the RFA hospital for wheelchairs holding people.
Jain is sad to lose Masaomi who is stood their in Germany, but she must go to Ireland. Duty calls. Before she can give Masaomi the titastic hug of a lifetime, an old man approaches, wheels squeaking.
It’s Levi Ackerman, aged roughly 50. He is old. He is mean. Mean is he. Old man. But, he has a good heart. Anyways.
“What’s up Doc? I’m ready to go back to the hospital and drink some tea,” Lefye says steel grey orbs ignoring Jain’s miley-cyrus-bluu orbs. (A/N: Jain be like that Miley Cyrus meme. If you know, you know.)
Jain is furious. At least if Levi is not going to gaze into her orbs, he could AT LEAST (A/N: HAIRY STFU) stare at her biggest assets. But no, Levi is both respectful, in the way that he respects women and disrespectful, in the way he ignores Jain. It’s infuriating.
“Oh oh sorry to hold you up Levi. I’m just talking to Jain right their,” Masaomi (he/they)points at Jain. “Aight Levi leggo. Bye Jain!!!” Masaomi latches onto Levi’s wheelchair’s handles, earning a Tsk from Lefye.
(A/N: I like to call Levi, Lefye irl. It’s my nickname for him. Pls pls pls respect it, my lovely reader chans).
Jain huffs. “Masaomi, where’s my hug at?” Jain questions, annoyed at the lack of attention.
Masaomi would be a FOOL to miss out on such an opportunity. He lets go of Levi’s handles to latch onto Jain, leaving Levi to fall back dramatically down the decline. He goes full wooo! He goes full swoosh! He goes full floosh. CRAHS HWAT GRUNT HISS PISS PLOUGH.
Jain’s tiddies tingle with her sbooby senses. Lefye bounces down the rough terrain, and is flying straight for a painful tree related death? (Like Petra Ral, but with a wheelchair, Reader-chan). Jain springs into action, honkers rapidly expanding in size like airbags. She flees to the area over their, where Masaomi is standing their, and instead goes over to the other their.
She skids into place, and Lefye goes FLOOM into Jain’s airbag tiddies and avoids serious injury. “Are you okay?” she asks sincerely to the fallen soldier.
“Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk” Levi responds, stressed and embarrassed uwu.
Jain pulls back, and places her hand on Levi’s head, checking to see if his skull is intact. Levi is flushed, and has a drop of sweat drip down the side of his head. He has never felt the touch of a woman, let alone airbag tiddies.
Jain comes to a medical conclusion. Skull is intact. Fever??? Present.
“You have a fever…” Jain whispers.
“I-i-i-i do??” Levi questions.
The two lock eyes and time stops. It is a mysterious kinda slow burn vibe. Romantic. Oh shit, it’s Masaomi coming back from over their, where he was standing their awaiting Jain’s hug that never came over their.
“Oh em gee! Levi, I am so sorry. You know Jain is a good pal of mine. I have to give her a hug goodbye. I should’ve put the brakes on though! Sorry!!” Masaomi applegizes, knowing that he just wanted to feel the gentle, yet rough graze of Jain’s galactic pendulinus’.
“Tsk, you stupid perv, Masaomi, Tsk” Levi responds, crossing his arms still in fallen soldier mode.
“Masaomi, Levi has a fever! You should’ve put the brakes on before coming to see me over their. That fall probably made his fever worse!” Jain worriedly worries.
Masaomi, at the scene, furrows there eyebrows. That’s weird. Levi was chilling this morning, minus him being in a wheelchair. Masaomi thinks really hard. His dick is also hard due to the almost-hug with Jain from earlier.
Masaomi puts a thermometer in Levi’s mouth and welp it’s negative-fever.
“No no no. Masaomi, he was burning up! Listen, I swear,” Jain says as she puts a hand on Levi’s forehead. Suddenly, the thermometer SPIKES UP. Levi is pouring sweat!
“Oh nooooo!!! Jain, remove your hand, RIGHT NOW.” Masaomi shouts, there calm demeanor dropping. He was once the chill he/they over their. But now, he is panicking!
Jain removes her hand, confused. Levi~ has passed out?!
“Jain. I read about this once in medical school, but I have never seen it before. I was kinda suspicious because it seemed impossible. However, it is playing out in front of our eyes!” Masaomi exclaims to a perplexed Jain.
They continue there explanation. “Levi is a virgin. Basically, he doesn’t really have any experience with women. If a virgin has never been exposed to a woman’s touch throughout immune development, he will have a severe inflammatory response when the foreign antigen is exposed to his epithelial cells! When potent feminine antigens are exposed to virginal male skin, they move between the tight junctions in epithelial cells to lower levels of the dermis, where resident macrophages will phagocytose it and secrete cytokines to rapidly initiate the immune response. when touched by a woman they have romantic interest in! It’s catching up to him! If I don’t take him to the emergency room soon, the cytokine storm (similar in concept to what causes bad symptoms of COVID-19) will kill this adult virgin!”
Levi’s a virgin?! Jain thinks to herself. That’s a shame. He’s a catch!
“Anyways, Jain I gotta go take him to the ER. He should be fine, but he needs to recover from your touch.”
“Oh, but can I do anything to help?” Jain asks, her heart quenching as she looks at a passed-out, virgin, peepaw Levi.
“No, the best treatment is for you to go away for a while. Too much woman in one day for Levi. We may need you for some exposure therapy in the future. Levi will eventually have to get used to a woman’s touch. I’ll call you. Enjoy Ireland. Say ayo to Rory for me,” Masaomi concludes.
“Oh okay. Please let me know if I can help at all. Keep me updated.” Jain says.
Masaomi winks as he brings Levi up the lift hill to the RFA hospital. Jain feels a sense of longing as she stares at the ascension of the kinda cute, passed-out, virgin Levi Ackerman. His head lolling back as he is pushed up in his creaky wheelchair, face illuminated in the sun, he looks like he is floating up with… Wings of Freedom.
—
Kite and Jaehee look across the Glendalough Upper Lake, where the Royal Carridickean has materialized (as soon as everyone boarded, it came from one of its steel dildos. The quick plunging, in and out, slamming into the ship’s cockpit, caused the ship to vibrate with orgasmic kinetic energy and fly over Germany and probably some other European countries to plop gently into the Glendalough Upper Lake, idle ripples echoing through the water in residual pleasure).
Kite rests her elbows consensually on the rail of the Carridickean, contemplative. Jaehee is hot and all, and she seems kind. But is she really girlfriend material? She thinks more. Well, she thinks as she continues to think, I think maybe I could be friends with her while she character develops and also make out with her, while I figure out what I want. That might be an example of poor communication, reader-chans, especially if Kite hasn’t asked Jaehee what she wants out of the relationship. But she turns to look at Jaehee, who is resplendent in the rising sun, and opts to lean closer instead of asking. Toxic? Maybe. But a hoe era can’t be healthy.
Shining cooks everyone a sausagey breakfast, because he is horny. Syghie chides him for this, promising consequences, and Shining wags his ass in absence of a tail to wag. After breakfast, everyone deplanes the boat, and steps into a potato-ey paradise. Ireland!
Ireland is a bussin place! Surrounded by Irish ☘️ pubs, cobblestone, Irish people, 🇮🇪, cobblestone, bushels of hay, circular crops, potato, the Irish streamers and YouTubers Jacksepticeye and RTGame, the Dublin spire which is supposedly ugly???, famine remnants, war, hatred of Brits yea, Nail Horin, more YouTube personalities like CallMeKevin and Minecraft, blue skies and famine, potato, wild sex, potato flavored condoms, and animals grazing in the sweet rolling hills of the countryside.
Mooo.
A cow! Corn snake, corn. Corn?? Potato. Hot potato, Loen is it.
Loen!! Yes, the filthy little Pomeranian thing from Dance with Devils.
He does a little heel click with his clogs and a big boy jig - he has his dog form on and four wooden cloggers on his dogs. Yes, the dog has four dogs, and each of his four dogs has five or four puppies, depending if they are in the front or back, for a total of 18 puppies. Woof! His puppies smell a little whiff of something sexy that he might want to present his loose little ass to, so he looks across the see and witnesses our main characters appear on the horizon.
Loen is aroused by the prospect of more rampant colonialism, as represented by the boat, especially that of a presenting alpha male, especially especifically of a technological boat sex. Woof.
The entire island begins to rumble and tumble with the boat vibration, like they’ve been tossed into a drying machine and set on quick dry.
“Ayo, mate, what is that?” An Irish voice says, colored with orange, white, and green tones if you have synesthesia, as this Irish voice is very Irish yeh. Who’s that Pokémon! It’s Rory from Glee. Yes, he won the competition and got on Glee, just to be some stereotypically Irish mate who everyone made fun of for being Irish.
“Irish people are my comfort accent actually!” says Jaehee.
“Wow,” Loen says. “Would you like to see the… Royal jewels?” He says as dog. Woof.
“I am. A. Lesbian.” In the foreground, Azuna glows iridescent pink with lesbian pride.
“And I’m from Ireland.”
“…No, not Lebanon. I’m-”
Loen transforms into human form. He has blue hair. It’s not sexy: more like smurfy.
“Okay, then. Would anyone else like to see the sacred jewels?” Everyone groans. “They are heavy.” Everyone moans. “And shiny and clean.” Everyone whimpers like a dog. Loen speaks that language. They are horny for him, he translates in his head. “And locked away in a cage waiting to be freed.”
Everyone is entrenched in horny. The air smells like pheromones to Loen’s sensitive animalistic nose. Bark.
“Alright, who would like to begin this intimate, private tour?” He says, waggling his eyebrows like one might wag a tail.
“I would.” Everyone gasps! One volunteer emerges from the cluster of shy folk. It’s Syghie! Shining walks nearby her on all fours, chained to a leash.
“Ohh?” He drawls.
“Jk I said that in a moment of weakness. I in fact am quite picky when it comes to adopting new pets. I don’t take in strays that haven’t been…” her eye GLEAMS. “Vaccinated.”
“AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo” he HOWLS!! Not in a Howl’s Moving Castle kind of way, but like a I am a wolf way.
She pulls out some sort of needle, and everything fades to black.
“Syghie, what have you done!!!” Kite wails!!!
“Tis alright, was merely a flesh wound. Plus, he needed this vaccination desperately. Haven’t you heard? Your sex pollen research has really helped Shining’s research team figure out a vaccine for little sussybaka pervy, uncanny, unnerving stalker boys…. Apparently his reuptake of horny neurotransmitters is dysfunctional, so this vaccine is meant to fix that for him so he’s less of an insane person.”
“Ah, that’s brilliant!” Jain says!
Kite wrinkles her nose. “Not gonna lie, I’m a little annoyed that my publication was used by a male team that didn’t even cite my work, but such is the life of a woman in STEM.”
Syghie gasps. “Shining! You dirty dog! Oh, you’re going to pay for this in more ways than one. Kite’s relatively unsexy lawyer friends will sue you, but also! She is going to kick you in the dick!”
Kite nods her head, confused. “I am?”
Syghie winks, and swiftly pulls down Shining’s pant’s, revealing a pale pink pear of boxer shorts with hot pink arrows pointing to Shining’s arousal. Kite shrugs, and starts winding up for the kick. Shining tips his head back in anticipation, which is weird for Kite but hey she will support her friend’s kink shit, and lets her Mary Jain fly right to Shining’s manhood. He howls, he moves castles, and passes out.
Several minutes of silence follow, but Rory speaks up. “Ah, thanks mate. Loen was a bad representative of Irish folk.” Rory says, running a hand through his golden fields of hair. “But if you want to still have a tour of the heavy, swollen, shiny jewels…”
Syghie glowers and raised another needle.
“Hey!! The actual jewels are over there!! In Scotland!!! I promise!!” Rory says placatingly.
Suddenly, a green clad figure appears. Could it be! Yes, it’s Lucky Charms, the Leprechaun from his titular branded cereal. “Follow me guys!! Walk along the rainbow 🌈 and go to Scotland~”
“Alright,” everyone says. They cross the rainbow to Scotland.
“Wait! First, we gotta do something. Coming in without this sacred ceremony feels wrong. Something needs to be in the way. Mmmm…” Tokiya trails off, bat wings fluttering cutely in the brisk Irish breeze. (It’s actually just the trapped gas being expelled from Loewen’s body).
The members of Starish gather, standing on the rainbow in ROY G BIV order, on top of their respective colors.
Tokiya opens his pointy mouth, and begins:
“Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne.“
The rest of STARISH joins in, singing in seven part harmony. In fact, it is polytonal in nature - they each have different tonal centers and have starting pitches a whole step apart. The result is a cluster moving up and down in a wave. However, despite how out it sounds, it somehow is also some tasteful shit. The wind picks up, and our intrepid protagonists shield their eyes from the Irish dust being whipped up by the dust. Haruka pulls out a keyboard from Tomo’s hair, and begins to play some simple chords to help bring out the poignancy of the moment.
“We twa hae run about the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit
Sin days of auld lang syne
And we twa hae paidl'd I' the burn
Frae morning sun 'til dine
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin days of auld lang syne
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet
For days of auld lang syne.”
Somewhere far away in the dream dimension, Shining stirs.
What is this ephemeral sound….?????
He erects into consciousness. Yeet. Woof. He is hard. In fact, he arcs up into the air, boxer shorts pooling around his ankles, sailing in one fluid motion onto his feet, in tandem with the semen arcing from his dick.
He lives. He is risen. Shining. He lives.
—--
Jain is holding Jumin’s hand, ready to greet his parents, Mr. Han and Mrs. Han. Jain’s boobs twitch, their power of perception causing a jolt of electricity to travel along her nerves to her hands. She gasps. Why are Jumin’s hands so sweaty? His pulse is a little different than normal as well, and not in a horny way. Before she can think of it for too long, the sight of Jumin’s parents wipe the suspicion clean from her mind. She forgor. They sit down at a VIP, members-only, Irish pub.
Jumin’s parents are waiting for the couple who is strangely still together, not looking too pleased.
“It will be okay, Jain. My parents will love you!” Jumin tries to convince himself, but there is no way his parents like Ms. Tittenbooben LMFAO. Jain’s tiddies, which also function as a lie detector, briefly spasm sadly. Jain ignores the pang of hurt, and tries to keep her head held tall, tiddies bouncing confidently, as they stride towards the table.
Jumin and Jain approach Mr. and Mrs. Han’s table.
“Ah my son and Miss Tittenbooben, please sit.” Mr. Han states.
“Yes, Miss Tittenbooben and my dear, Jumin, please sit.” Mrs. Han adds.
Kinda weird. Kinda creepy. Jain and Jumin sit.
“I hope you don’t mind, Miss Tittenbooben, but I’d like to get a little bit more comfortable and take off my mask.” Mr. Han suggests.
Mrs. Han adds “Yes, me too, if you don’t mind.”
Jain is confused. These bitches aren’t wearing masks.
“Umm well it seems as though you don’t have masks on, but I would love for my future parents- in-law to feel comfortable! So do what you gotta do!” Jain tries to impress. But Mr. and Mrs Han? Well, they regress.
Mr. Han claps. “Ah yes, thank you. Mask off.”
Mr. Han and Mrs. Han peel at their skin revealing….
Elongated Musk and Rhymes.
Yes, they are circumcised.
Jain is overwhelmed. She has a flashback to the sleepover arc, where Kite told everyone that the specific alien plant specimen shipment from Mars killed Elongated Musk. Maybe Kite forgor? She is conflicted over whether she wants to flee or continue to try to give off a good image. Jumin casually drinks wine as if this is normal?! He is truly unbothered by his parent’s transformation.
“Now that we are more comfortable, Miss Tittenbooben, I have something I want to ask of you.” Rhymes speaks in a really high kinda autotuned voice.
Jain nervously responds, “ahh yes, of course.”
“Are you ready to die? Got my Shinigami eyes on.”
Huh? Jain’s areolas widen in tandem with her eyes, and she wishes that horny mf Ryuk was here to confirm if Rhymes was a shinigami. But alas, he is in Super Hell. I think? Reader-chans, get in the comments if we’re wrong about that.
“Just kidding! Unless… No just kidding! But I have something for you!” Rhymes begins pulling out an envelope from her pocket.
“You see, Miss Tittenbooben, we heard we are no longer the richest family in the world. Allegedly, a man donated a trillion dollars to the RFA. Therefore, we cannot condone Jumin doing anything but work right now. Cruising around the world with a boobalicious woman is simply too much of a work distraction. Please, take this money and leave him,” Elongated Musk points his red eyes at the envelope on the table.
“Am I being k-drama-like manipulated to take an envelope of money to break up with my boyfriend? I won’t do it!!!” Jain slams her fists to the table, sending his titties flying up and down, like the 2014 EXID hit “Up&Down.”
“Jain, you should take the money. In fact, my parents are right. This is like real life, not a Kdrama. Therefore, I will break up with you because money > love. Sorry but I can’t see you, unless you can make my family richer than that man at the auction. I need to focus on my work.” Jumin syghies. How did he say > out loud.
Jain runs out of the pub, crying. She just lost her fiance. He is doing his best to forgor about her.
“You did well, son.” Elongated Musks pats Jumin’s back. The odd family leaves the premise.
In tears, Jain must come up with a new plan. Where do I go? Jain searches around in her boobs and uncovers something she thought she lost, the Chrollo Lucilfer business card. She looks at the address on the card. YorkNew City?
A knowing smirk is seen upon an edgy figure in YorkNew City. It is all going to plan. He whispers:
“I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next night.”