An Auction of Orgasmic Oceans
“So yeah I was airborne for 5 minutes… and that’s how I got the nickname L,” says L, strolling alongside Joie. (a/n: Wow, that sounds like a crazy story! Sure wish we could hear the rest of it!)
“That’s hot,” Joie responds, not really listening. He was too distracted by the gaunt, hollow figure in front of him, and how cold his hands felt when they brushed against each other. Why was Joie so nervous? He had literally just fucked a boat the day before.
L points to a rusted barrel that sat overturned in a dry patch, protected from the steady rainfall outside by the factory’s decaying tin roof.
“This looks like a good place. What kind of weed do you have?”
“Weed,” Joie responds informatively.
“Damn that’s crazy, me too,” says L, sitting perched on the barrel like a vulture. Fortunately, he is wearing shoes this time so there’s no risk of tetanus or foot fetishes. Joie ponders this as he rolls a joint of some of that shit that made bugs bunny.
“My boyfriend gives me so much shit for smoking the jazz cigarette,” L says, doing a sick ghost inhale. “I love him, but he’s a Ronald Reagan fanboy.”
“Well, as I always say, if the dick is good the politics don’t matter as much,” Joie postulates, hoping to steer the conversation in a better direction. “Speaking of your boyfriend, I heard you guys are working on the Kira case together. How is that going?”
“...Can I admit something to you?” L turns towards Joie with an intense gleam in his eyes, the neon red of the Jagermeister sign reflecting off his wet black eyes. “I feel as though I can trust you, although I may just be high on the shticky icky.”
“You can tell me anything. I live in the walls so I hear all of my roommates’ secrets and haven’t told a single one.”
“I believe that Light, my boyfriend… is Kira,” L says quietly and steadily, his onyx orbs boring into Joie’s chocolate brown and robin’s egg blue (His eyes are heterosexual).
“WHAT??!? Holy shit that’s so cool!” Joie jolts backwards, nearly dropping the marijuana receptacle. “I honestly respect him more now. Murder is kind of hot, even though most of the criminals he targets are forced to commit crimes by economic and sociological circumstances outside of their control, and the best way to enact real change would be the redistribution of wealth and power.”
L slinks closer to the twink sitting next to him. Their faces are now an inch apart, close enough for Joie to smell Pilsbury frosting, weed, and just straight up dirt. It’s half creepy and half incredibly arousing.
“I feel the exact same way.”
That was all he needed to say for the sexual tension to explode, blanketing the two like the thick mist that swirled throughout the factory. They begin to vigorously make out, and the camera pans up.
—-
A strange man with stretched ears has arrived at the EXO memorabilia auction at the RFA’s event: EXO Albums for Wheelchairs. For Wheelchairs With People.
He has jet black hair that is pulled back with a black headband. There are strange small cuts to his face to add a little mystique. He is carrying a book. Perhaps he’s studious.
The auction begins with some non EXO memorabilia - a warm up if you will.
“And sold!!! To the blondie high schooler who is not very memorable!”
“Yes!” says Rem, unmemorably.
.”For 1,000 Jenny (A/N: that’s the currency in hxh), a lava lamp dildo!”
“Woohooo” Everyone says and claps, like people in an auction do.
Next up is the "Artificial Love" performance canes that EXO performed upon ;).
(A/N: Search Artificial Love performance on the interwebs, my lovely reader chans. As a treat.)
Shining raises his paddle immediately, yelling “100,000 Jenny!”
“That’s a good hard boy, Shining,” Syghie coos. “Stay hard.”
Goku Drip Lindo is next to raise his paddle. Yes, he is here. I know you probably forgot. Anyways, he yells, “I am willing to wager my Goku drip on this one.”
Everybody is shocked. That is an impossible feat to beat. Unfortunately, nobody else is able to beat Lindo, so he takes home the Artificial Love cane.
The final part of the auction involves the most interesting prize, an EXO concert for TWO. Jain highkey wants Jumin to win this, so they can watch EXO together. However, there is a dark horse factor that might interfere with Jain’s plans.
The mysterious, spidery man has been quiet so far, but he is prepared to win this no matter what it takes.
“Okay campers, bids are starting at 500,000 Jenny.” Chris Mcclain appears from the mist, having barely recovered from his earlier earth-shattering orgasm. Ritsuka uses her grimoire powers to make him go away, but he already came. The guests must ignore the spray of ghostly cum, once again.
Bidding rule no.1: never be the first bidder. Eren is the first bidder. “5 Jenny!” he exclaims. Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sasha Braus are ashamed of Eren’s listening skills. Chris Mcclain clearly stated that the bids start at 500,000 Jenny. Eren is rich too because he has mommys and daddy’s money? I could not tell you why he just bid 5 Jenny, other than the fact that he was tap tapping on his iPad playing Roblox.
Jumin is next. “I will bid 1,000,000 Jenny,” he royally declares. Eren starts throwing temper tantrums and Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sasha Braus have to drag him out of the venue.
It’s a shame because Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sasha Braus have the funds to make this auction even more impactful, but alas.
There is a long pause. Chris Mcclain is exhausted. He appears once again from the mist to ask, “any m-more takers?” He’s huffing and puffing.
Jain smiles. Jumin has this in the bag. She will finally get to see EXO! But…
“I will bid 1,000,000,000,000 Jenny,” says the spidery aura.
Jumin is money. Money is Jumin. But, he is not a trillionaire! Not even Elongated Musk is there quite yet. How is this man that nobody knows, that rich?
Chris Mcclain is finally freed from his duties for one night, and he is thankful. With one final explosive orgasm, he vanquishes from the RFA auction as he says “and SOLD! To the rich, gentlemanly camper with the black hair who is not Jumin!”
Jain looks around in panic. How is this possible? How is she not about to see EXO? Is her relationship with Jumin even worth anything if he’s not the richest man in the world? Wait no, she’s not supposed to be thinking like a gold digger because I’m trying to make her a better person aAA.
Snapping her out of shock, is a handsome voice. “So do you want to be my plus one to the EXO show?” he asks.
This is kinda weird. Jain does not know this man that is so ~spidery~ but not in the way that all of her other lovers have been. Different spider, but different in a good way.
Jumin is having a meltdown. He is not rich! He is feeling like he’s about to get cucked again as he looks over at mystery man talking to Jain.
“Ummm, well I appreciate the offer because I love EXO. However, I’m a bit confused as to why you’re picking me as your plus one. You just met me,” Jain explains as her boobs swirl in confusion.
Suddenly, Jain is moved to a dark room away from the party guests. What is happening? An unknown voice whispers “I couldn’t help but notice your… aura. Something about you is… different.”
The voice said the word “aura” in a weird way, like it was something else than the general vibe about her… Huh…
“Who’s there?” She calls out, her voice wavering but then staying strong all in one second.
The shadowy figure emerges into the light. Alas! It is but that man from before, the spidery one with the ear lobes, black suit and tie, hairband, and cute floofy black hair.
“It’s me,” he says.
“Can I at least get a name?” Jain asks.
“No time. We must go see EXO!” Mystery man* takes Jain’s hand, and suddenly, they are in a small concert hall, awaiting a sensational performance.
(A/N: While rereading this chapter I realized I revealed mystery man's name here on accident, so here I am at 9:00 AM on a Sunday morning fixing it.)
—-
The rain falls in a light mist outside of the abandoned Jaegermeister factory, the grey clouds swirling tantalizingly over the rough ocean. The water cycle… that’s kinda sexual imo. Like why is another body of water getting you, a cloud, wet? Hmmmm.
Jaehee and Kite slip out of the factory, and move to sit on a dock in the port, legs dangling over the seawater. Jaehee smiles fondly at the Royal Carridickean, and raises her free hand to wave. The Carridickean toots a gentle toot toot toooooot to her, and Kite looks over at Jaehee. “I didn’t know you guys knew each other.”
Jaehee smiles. “The Royal Carridickean was one of the first business acquisitions I made for Mr. Han as his official assistant. I actually oversaw the install of his ship dildos for him. It was… an uncomfortable conversation, but it had to be said. When the ship is sexually satisfied, it runs much better.” The Royal Carridickean withdraws one of its large, girthy steel dildos from a storage vessel in the ship, and waves in agreement.
Kite leans in closer, a small smile playing on her lips. “Oh, I get that.” She looks down at Jaehee’s lips, and slowly lets her gaze drift back up to her orbs. Jaehee short circuits for a second. Wait, but she’s a woman? Wait, but I’m a woman? Wait-
Azuna perks up back inside of the abandoned factory, sensing gay panic. She flicks her wrist in the direction of the pair outside, vibrant sparkles arcing through the air to land on Jaehee’s head to dispel any worries she had.
Jaehee blinks, suddenly enlightened with homosexual clarity. Oh yeah, I’m a woman who’s only attracted to women. This is great, actually. Jaehee angles her body towards Kite, and closes the gap between them.
Reader-chans, Kite has not made out with a woman this WHOLE series. For over thirty-seven thousand words, she has not been getting her kisses in!!!! An injustice, but one the co-author imposed on themselves, alack. Anyways, kissing Jaehee feels incredible. She’s warm, and soft, and alive. Kite scoots as close as she can to Jaehee on the dock, and an arm reaches around her back to pull her in even closer. Wow. There is only one coherent word bouncing around in Kite’s head right now, and it’s the word women. Kite is right.
Jaehee pulls away, breathless. She looks down at Kite, who is veritable putty in Jaehee’s arns. The rain has withdrawn, and in the starlight, with the sound of their labored breathing and the waves crashing against the dock, everything feels right. Wait. Why are the waves crashing this high up the dock?
Jaehee breaks her gaze to look at the ocean of the dock, and Kite follows where she is looking. The tide is much higher than it had been before, and she gasps.
“Kite,” Jaehee says, sounding nervous. “Do you know why the water is this rough right now? As the organizer of this event, I checked on the tide information, and there was nothing to indicate that the water would rise this much.” Both of their dogs (A/N: feet) are wet from the seawater, and the two scramble to their feet.
Kite squints out at the sea, and is shaking her head slowly until she looks at the moon. “Jaehee, I… is the moon… looking kinda thicc right now?”
Jaehee nods. “Yeah, the moon is looking way more caked up than usual. You think that’s what’s causing the tides to rise?”
Kite shrugs, looking worriedly up at Jaehee. “I never took any oceanography classes, but the moon being closer would mean that the high tide would be higher. But why is the moon, so close?”
Meanwhile, on the moon.
Zero sprints around the circumference of the moon, gaining two of Vector from Despicable Me’s defining traits: direction, and magnitude. As he continues his ministrations on the moon (which as I’m sure you could guess, is becoming rapidly aroused), he begins picking up power for his slingshot trajectory to Earth.
You see, reader-chans, when they put Zero in that alternate dimension, a stellar flare in the center of that dimension caused it to shatter, and Zero was ejected from that plane. He could have landed anywhere in our universe, so I guess it’s kinda lucky that he got spat back out onto the moon. To prepare for his return trip, he had to build up momentum by winding himself up around the moon. His vampire pheromones build a gaseous space suit around him, protecting and adequately oxygenating him. The moon slowly thrusts forwards, and forwards, and forwards, until…
HWAAAA!!! PTAHHHH!!!! YAHHHH!!!!
He is a meteor of a not-man, burning through atmosphere, hurtling down into the ocean. SPLASH! The ocean erupts in white capped waves, the white being the ocean’s cum obviously. Seawater crashes down into the dock, spraying Kite and Jaehee with its oceanic jizz. Kite looks across the sea, saltwater stinging her eyes, and is able to make out a figure slowly floating out of the point of impact in the water. She gasps.
“Jaehee, we need to get back in there and warn Jain.”
Jaehee pulls off her glasses to wipe off the water. “Why? What’s going on?”
Tragically, Jaehee looking down at her, concerned, with no glasses, is kinda hot, and Kite leans up to make out with her. Feeling Jaehee respond eagerly, she begins to forgor about the figure in the ocean, which rapidly speeds towards the shore. But Kite is simply too into it to notice the brush of burning skin against her back, as the Evil Ex pushes past her into the factory.
Like fifteen minutes later, she pulls away from Jaehee and gasps. The figure is gone! Oh no.
“Oh no,” says Kite guiltily. She hopes Jain will forgive her mistake, since Kite just entered her hoe era.
Jaehee also forgor. “Wait, do you know who that was?”
Kite nods grimly. If it was Ritsuka, she would nod grimoirely. “That’s Zero. I don’t know what he’s doing here, but we do need to stop him. You ready?”
Jaehee smiles at Kite, and takes her hand. “Let’s go.”
—-
The lights go out in the concert hall, and before the curtain opens a singed, “she’s my laddyyyyyyy” reverberates throughout the concert hall. Jain begins screaming!!!! She thinks of the first EXO teaser that featured D.O. 's lovely vocals with Kai’s iconic dancing to the banger, “My Lady.” But wait, doesn’t D.O’s voice sound a bit different? Maybe, she shouldn’t be so judgmental. He is probably still recovering from being in the war or some shit.
The lights turn on. The curtain opens. The opening instrumental to “Love Shot” transitions smoothly into the chorus. Jain prepares herself for Kai’s best era!
Unexpectedly . It is not Kai on stage, but rather. A man named for a popular integer. Zero.
“It’s the love shot!”
Zero is ~na na na naing~ his bloody rose all over his body mimicking the original finger gun choreography of EXO’s 2018 end-of-the-year hit, “Love Shot.” He is also gyrating and singing off key. As much as Jain was attracted to Zero, this is a bit... disrespectful to EXO. Jain will not tolerate disrespect to EXO.
“Who is this?” the mystery man (who I will not yet name) asks.
“Umm. I’m really sorry. That’s my ex, Zero. I’m really sorry about this. I know you paid a lot of-” Jain begins, but is cut off by Zero singing “Monster.”
“I’m creeping in your heart babeeeee” he sings, disrespecting Baekhyun and Chen’s power vocals in the process.
Jaehee looks at Kite, horrified. “Actual EXO was supposed to perform? Oh my God I’m so fired.” Kite holds her hand supportively.
“It’s okay, babe. This job kinda sucks. Let’s open a cafe together.” Jaehee smiles a watery smile down at Kite, and her phone pings. Ping ping. It’s an email!
To Ms. Kang,
We’re so sorry, we really didn’t want to come because reputation would simply tank. We were thinking about how to break it to you, but then this giant wave came and knocked out a bunch of planes, so we def cannot come to Germany now LMAO. Best of luck finding a backup performer!
Sincerely,
EXO
Jaehee groans. “EXO bailed, but at least they didn’t send this guy. Goddamn, this is bad.”
Apparently, the elusive hot guy agrees. “Alright I’ve had enough of this shit,” the seductive unknown man says, beginning to open his book, but is halted by somebody beating him to the punch.
“You. you. you.” an unknown voice gregorian chants. “You need singing lessons!!!!” Hell’s portals open again and none other than Sanford Ryerson, himself, emerges singing in PERFECT acafella.
Zero is sucked in and cannot escape. The mystery man is content with the way things played out. It’s not the right time to expose his powers. Not yet. Now that Zero’s gone and the performance is over, he can shoot his shot.
“Wow and just to think two chapter ago, I wanted that man to be my baby daddy. How embarrassing,” Jain puts her head down in shame.
“It’s okay. We all make mistakes. Everybody has those days,” the stranger-danger attempts to comfort Jain. Although, he does think it’s odd that her standards for a baby daddy were so … low.
(A/N: I love Zero, but in the context of him disrespecting EXO in this fic, he’s kinda giving absent father)
“Thanks, that's actually really nice! I’m also sad EXO didn’t come to this performance. Maybe, you could get a refund from the RFA,” Jain suggests.
“It’s okay, I have money to burn.”
Jain widens her eyes. Her boobs expand in shock. She has been wined and dined by Jumin for so long, but a trillionairly way of wining and dining probably goes way harder. Ugh stop thinking like a sugar baby, Jain. You are literally the #1 hypnaughty artist in the world. You don’t need a man to support you, she ponders.
Mystery man cuts off her thoughts: “You know, I couldn’t help but want to talk to you as soon as I noticed you. Something is different about you.”
Me? Jain thinks, blushing. Wait, no. I’m turning over a new leaf. I can’t let my heart be swayed by this handsome stranger.
“Sorry,” Jain replies. “I don’t think we can participate in the business transactions you would enjoy most.”
“No?” the mysterious man says. “Well, think about it, at least. Here, this is my business card.”
He hands it to her with two hands, Japanese style. She receives it. Success.
The card is a handsome off-white parchment simply adorned with a name in silver:
Chrollo Lucilfer
(666) 666 - 6666
Beneath that, in the bottom left corner, is a little spider design also in silver. The spider has 12 legs, however, unlike the usual 8.
\\ 0 //
= ( ) =
// \\
She looks up from the card, and is shocked to find this Chrollo had vanished, seemingly into midair.
“Meet me in York New City…” a voice tendrils its way down the lone hallway.
Just as the mysterious voice said that, across the grazing plains, Jumin’s phone rings. He picks up.
“Uh uh. Uh uh. Okay.”
He hangs up. “Yeah, that was my mom. She wants us to go to Ireland!! Jain, want to cum with?”
“Hell yeah.” Jain replies. “Homies, let’s go to Ireland.”
“Aight,” everyone says.
Across the seas, a doggo barks. But its yawp has a slightly Irish flair to it. Alas, it is an Irish pup. And alas, it is no mere pup, it is the fucking dog (derogatory) that is Loen from Dance with Devils. He is in heat, covering his little doggy bed in human-dog nasties.
Growling, he yaps. From Doggish to English, the translation roughly is as follows:
“I’ll also show you a sweet dream next night.”