Something in the Way
Across the city, blissfully unaware of the crimes committed in the Asahina Condomless Condo, a lone creature begins his song. He sits alone on the roof of an old, ivy covered practice building at the Trost School of Music. His gloved hands idly play with a stray vine, and as he croons, he surreptitiously looks around. His echolocation hadn’t perceived any threats, but the threat of discovery had him ready to take flight.
“Amazzzzingggg graceeeee. How sweeeet that sounnnndddd. That saved a wretch like meeeeeeeEEEEeee.” Gazing into the night sky, Tokiya Ichinose notes that the light of the moon falls softer than it should on the streets below. He blinks twice, and his digital contact lens zooms in on the moon. The moon’s usual dusty, craggy exterior has been completely washed over with something thick and creamy, causing the moon to gleam with a luster it hadn’t had since its conception. Tokiya furrows his brow and clenches his Ichinussy as he stares up at the newly glazed moon, until it hits him. Panicked, he whips out a sleek laptop, closes MuseScore, and begins running simulations to verify his theory of what could have coated the moon so quickly. His heart rate increases, and his hands shake as he calculates the viscosity of the liquid that would cause the moonlight to shine this much less.
He pulls up a chart to compare his findings, and finds an identical value to what he calculated. He stills. 9.35 +/- 0.99 centipoise. Tears of rage begin to form in his eyes before he knows what he feels. He closes his eyes, swallows his rage, and changes his song as he begins a new calculation. He needs to find who did this. Who coated the moon in sperm.
“Sooomething in the wayyy. Mmmmmm. Sooomething in the wayyy. MMMMMMM!” Ichinose quickens his song, the anger coiling in his stomach causing him to slam his keys in a really obnoxious way. As a beta, Tokiya’s emotions do not come from his reproductive hormones. But as the elusive Batman, the call of the moon sings to his soul. The concept that something would be careless enough to cum on the moon, the only person who understands him? Anger bubbles under his skin, and when he does the final calculation to estimate the origin of the cum, it threatens to burst.
Tokiya glides off of the building to his awaiting Batcycle. All three of its wheels hum in anticipation for their hot, rough romp with the roads of Japan and California. 69420 Condomless Way. Here comes Vengeance.
*****
Eren Jaeger hops out of his shared closet (that really is more like a bunker shielding the rest of the party from the crimes of Mage’s buttered ass) to address the hacking situation. Mage whines, wishing that Eren would give him a little melted butter massage for some aftercare. Too bad that Eren does not care. He collapses against the side of the door, exhausted from the butter churning that just occurred inside of his body.
Spotting two unnatural red-heads at the front door, Eren easily identifies the hackers.
“Hey I heard there was a hacking. I also hack sometimes as a man who consumes a high level of marijuana. Nothing to be ashamed of, I can bring you Armin’s inhaler,” Eren explains, actually being useful for once, well objectively.
Lady Sasha Braus and Lord Cornelius Springer, sensing that Eren is making a fool of himself, roll up in a flashing white Bentley. Lady Sasha Braus is decked out in a sparkling orange tuxedo and top hat which pairs immaculately with Lord Conelius Springer’s baby blue tuxedo and top hat. How did Eren get such classy friends? Oh wait, they are his adopted parents, who happen to be his same age but well, as long as they’re happy. Rest in peace to Carla (the original MILF) and Grisha Jaeger (the person that if you consider a DILF, get help).
“My dear son Jaeger, this is a hacking not of the sickness kind, but rather the computer tech kind. I recommend you do not get involved with this one.” Lord Cornelius Springer blathers gracefully.
Lady Sasha Braus provides Eren with exactly what he needs. His iPad. Eren swipes through different Fortnite skins deciding on a Naruto one because of course, he does. When pondering whether they wanted a renaissance man or an iPad kid to adopt, Lady Sasha Braus and Lord Cornelius Springer decided upon an adoptee that could perform both tasks. Though, is Eren truly anything more than a butter boy? Discuss.
707 has had his fair share of strange acquaintances, so he thought he would be prepared for his hacking invasion. Between his partner, Lindo’s incestual song confession, Eren’s lack of technical expertise, and the appearance of a parental Lord and Lady, 707 wonders if this is worth it.
Jesus decides this is the perfect moment to momentarily resurrect himself to talk directly to 707. He whispers in perfect harmony, “Luciel Choi, my child please, save this household from its abominable indiscretions. I really don’t want to have to do the work myself.”
After obtaining the highest level of clarity from Jesus himself, 707 decides he must continue to put his life at risk for this high stakes mission.
Meanwhile, in the condo, the sleepover guests are considering the hacking implications and the mysterious Bently sitting out in the parking lot. Syghie bravely decides to inform Mage and Eren about the hacking situation. She creeps out of the twins’ shared room, tiptoeing towards the closet door. She knocks sharply, and the deep, chestnut wood vibrates with pleasure.
“Eren? Mage?” She knocks again, harder, and the door buckles under her ministrations, whining open to reveal Mage slumped against the side of the closet. Syghie gasps, stepping away from the closet. Mage, smothered in butter, appears to be the only one left behind in the closet’s post orgasmic state.
“Where’s Eren?” Syghie tries to sputter out, trying desparately to avoid smelling the perishable sex stink from Eren and Mage’s intimate moments.
Mage begins crying, feeling rejected and lonely. It was a sensitive topic. Syghie syghies, quickly putting on her N-95 mask to avoid inhaling the toxic, spoiled sex fumes. The last time this happened, she went temporarily lactose intolerant. She looks down at Mage’s pitiful form, and gently nudges him with her foot to comfort him. As her dog (A/N: her foot) touches the slick mess of a demon, her puppies (A/N: her toes) recoil instinctively, and it causes Mage to weep harder. “E-E-E-Eren left me tooooooo, bwaaahhhh,” he weeps, tossing himself to the closet floor and sliding across the polished wood. His thoroughly lubricated body slams into a closet wall, and he looks up pitifully at Syghie, his eyes leaking butter as well.
“Quite simply? That is disgusting.” Syghie steps out of the closet.
Mage sniffs. “It’s a demon thing. It’s… it’s what makes me different from all the other devils. And he didn’t even appreciate me!” He blows his nose into his discarded assless chaps, snorting out a salted butter emulsion.
“That’s…” Syghie trails off. “I’m sorry. Honestly, Mage, you can do better than Eren.”
He looks up at her, his eyes big and wet with buttery tears. “Y-you really mean that?” Syghie nods.
“Definitely,” she asserts. Looking around the closet, slick with butter and freshly secreted wood polish, Syghie begins to leave the space. “You… just take care of yourself, okay? I’m going to find the others, and maybe deal with the hacking.”
Mage weeps again, renewed. “Eren didn’t even stay long enough to take care of me! After I let his omega hormones seduce me! BWAAHHH!” The demon throws himself on the ground again, his slick form sliding into the other side of the closet.
“Okay,” Syghie replies, and steps out of the closet. There’s no way Mage could help with the hack, but there’s a chance Eren might know something. He usually knows a guy- for weed, for closets, and of course, for Jagermeister. Eren is a descendant of Sidney Frank (1919–2006), who ran an American liquor importing company. From the 1980s he promoted Jaegermeister in the youth and student market, as a drink for parties – a quite different niche to its traditional conservative brand position in its native German market. New York magazine quoted a market research firm describing him as "a promotional genius" for making "a liqueur with an unpronounceable name...drunk by older, blue-collar Germans as an after-dinner digestive aid... synonymous with 'party'." The Mast-Jägermeister company ultimately purchased Sidney Frank Importing in 2015.
Syghie calls upon her most trusted members of the sleepover party, aka the other OCs. Syghie, Koot, Joie, and Jain embark on their journey to find Eren, knowing he could be starting World War 3 if someone does something as simple as stealing his weed or bringing up the Reiner situation.
They cross all seven seas over the course of 5 minutes - Joie navigates, their years of being on a Jack Sparrow lookalike’s ship coming back with ease- only to discover Eren on his iPad in the front yard. Koot, recognizing fellow STEM majors, Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sasha Braus, rushes over to talk about the pressing issues about how they fared on the last sexology exam.
For once, Jain is the voice of reason telling Joie that they must figure out who the hell the redheads are out front. Granted her reasons were to see if they would be viable suitors to add to her harem but…
Joie begins his investigation of the redheaded men. Beginning with the most suspicious one of all, Lindo.
“What brings you to our home?!” Joie seethes, forgetting that Ema does in fact exist, and this is not the OCs home.
Lindo responds, as one would expect, hitting Joie with “I’m in love with my sister. But she doesn’t like me, and it makes me sad and horny.”
Suddenly purple and red lights begin flashing. A microphone descends from the sky, presenting Lindo with an opportunity to serenade his love once again.
“I fell in love with an emo girl. I fell in love with an emo girl. All I want is an emo girllllll,” Lindo belts, shaking the ground.
However, Lindo is too late because Ritsuka has already found her emo boy. Ryuk moans out My Chemical Romance while making love, whereas Lindo worships MGK (Jesus too, but MGK comes first for Lindo).
Sensing an easy defeat, Joie flings Lindo boomerang style. Now, if Joie wanted to, Lindo would be one shot K.Oed but they wanted to ensure that their other friends would get the opportunity to defeat Lindo. Once Lindo boomerangs back, groaning and moaning at the pain and pleasure of being swung all around at such fast and furious speeds. Natsume unveils his kawaii cat claws and scratches Lindo all up. Jain smacks Lindo ferociously with her right tit. That will leave a mark. Syghie places a curse upon Lindo for the next millennium. Ema runs over his puppies (A/N: toes) with her wheelchair. Koot mixes her chemical potions and sprays Lindo with a mystery substance. Reiner awakens momentarily to deliver an armored punch to Lindo’s gut. The twins use their titanium tongues to electrocute Lindo in the ears. Ritsuka and Ryuk follow the path of their idol, CupcakKe, and decide to make porn and watch it on VCR. They begin to televise their love making session to hit Lindo in the heart. Ow.
The ground trembles as the attack continues, Lindo trying to endure the onslaught of blows. A well placed blow (A/N: not a sexual one, although Lindo wishes it was) from Joie catches Lindo by his jaw, and sends him sprawling onto the slightly lubricated ground. He props himself up on his elbows, gritting his teeth. “I will endure all of this and more for you, my sweet sister,” he swears, bloodied and panting. “I will endure anything I have to for your love!” The proclamation hardens his resolve (A/N: as well as…. you know ( ͡❛ ͜ʖ ͡❛)), and he begins to stand, when a strong rumbling (A/N: not Thee Rumbling) knocks him back down to the ground. A fissure cracks through the ground, glowing with dark orange, orange, light orange, white, pink, dusty pink and dark rose light. The fissure spreads, and the brightness of the lesbian light temporarily blinds everyone in the space. The sheer gay power almost kills 707, a homophobe.
Ascending Lil Nas X’s stripper pole, Azuna appears in all of her lesbian angel glory, with bright wings and eyes glowing with power.
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾You think you have endured anything for her, piss boy?☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Lindo scrambles back. The heavenly voice is layered, thicc-d by the force of a thousand lesbians speaking their will at once. The very sound reverberates through his very being, through epidermis, upper dermis, lower dermis, nerves, flesh and bone, right to his prostate. He shudders with the force of her vocal chords, and pees a little bit, which should be impossible with this rock hard of a dick. However, lesbians are magic, I guess.
“Azuna! Didn’t you… perish?”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾I did. I said I’d do anything for her. And I perished for it. But you really think that could kill me? More than that, you think that once I died, you could take her from me?☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Ryuk sweats in his corner, praying to himself to be unnoticed by her angelic pussy wrath. She doesn’t spare him a glance, thrusting a hand in his direction do engulf him in holy flame. He screeches, and with one last lustful look at Ritsuka, somehow still managing to be horny, is thrust back into the muted greys of the celibate shinigami realm.
Lindo watches this, terrified. He looks at the door, and deems it close enough for him to escape. But as he desperately reaches for the handle, it glows with light. Before he can process where he’s headed, he’s already opened the door and runs through the portal Azuna just summoned, straight into hell. As soon as the first flame touches his cheek, he screams, and tries to turn around. But those floors are too damn well lubricated to allow him to escape.
It’s safe to say Lindo is done for.
Poor, shit-eating Lindo.
A hush falls over the room. 707 finally understands the term love wins, and upon realizing that he himself represented hate, begins to weep, repenting from his homophobic ways.
“Kite, are you crying?”
“No you’re crying shut up.” She tsunderes, elbowing Syghie in her syghde. It’s refreshing for Syghie to see tears that are actual salt water and are not butter, and this causes her to tear up as well. The tears overflow onto the ground, and the power of the cum moon evaporates it almost instantly upon them leaving her face. Salty flakes precipitate out, softly landing like freshly powdered snow. Mage, nearby, collects the dander on his buttery skin. Eren takes a finger and licks the newly salted body butter. “Better.” Better body, butter boys.
Ritsuka steps forwards, the only one brave enough to move. “Azuna, you… you’re here.”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Hi baby cakes, Big Daddy is home.☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Ritsuka begins to cry, suddenly feeling unworthy of moving any closer. “Azuna, I… I don’t deserve you. You’ve done so much for me, and all I’ve ever done is be a burden and get you sent to super hell by kissing that stupid shinigami. I’m… I’m so sorry.” She cries harder.
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ It’s okay, honey. Lesbians believe in an all-forgiving goddess. It is me. I am the goddess. Get into it yuh.☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Ritsuka scrubs at her eyes, and sprints into Azuna’s many awaiting arms. She sobs, her hands grabbing fistfuls of the ethereal fabric clinging to Azuna’s new, powerful form. “I was so scared that I was never going to see you again,” she cries. “I don’t want to live a life where I’m not with you.”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Don’t be silly. I am always with you. In a Madoka Magica kind of way.☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
“Y-you mean, where we’re both glowing and naked on some level at all times?”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Yeah, but the better updated version once they came back in and made the animation and backgrounds smoother. They didn’t have time to fully flesh out all of the scenery for the original release but for the DVD set, they went back and made everything super pretty-☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Ritsuka cuts her off with a kiss. Pulling away, she grins breathlessly at Azuna, her eyes still wet and squinting into the light Azuna emits now. “God, you’re literally omnipotent and this is what you use it for. You dork.”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Madoka is worth it <3.☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
They continue to make out. It’s moving, but the gang recognizes the need to move on. Moving on, the crew needs to address the other imposter ginger in the room, 707. Jain recognizes him from her Zen and Jumin hoe era.
“Luciel, please don’t tell me Zen or Jumin sent you here. I’m with Natsume, now,” Jain’s boobs blink as she speaks. She tends to think everything is about her. (A/N: as she should. She’s very cool irl)
“The name is 707, actually. I was sent on a mission by a really cool guy to put an end to the atrocities occurring in this quote on quote ‘condomless complex. I have a warrant too,’' 707 brags.
Eren, realizing he is attracted to 707, drops his iPad and decides to begin his seduction. He sucks on his right thumb and twirls his greasy man bun with his left fingers. Lord Cornelius Springer smiles at his son’s powerful flirting techniques, proud that he taught his son all of the best ways to seduce a man out of investigating private property.
Natsume catches on to Eren’s techniques and realizes that all this foe, 707, needs is a good fuck. 707 doesn’t seem interested in REAL incest like Lindo was. If Natsume were to hypothetically fuck Lindo that would create a conflict of interest for his congressional campaign due to his whole REAL and RELATED sister-crush. Now, 707, a non incestous man, on the other hand, sounds appealing and not career ending. This could work.
Jain sensing Natsume’s arousal whispers in his ear to go for it. She does feel a little bit guilty about the whole Reiner situation, so at least Natsume fucking 707 would kinda even out the score a bit.
Shiki and Urie decide to slither out of the ground, as devils do. They begin to crowd 707, and he begins sweating profusely down there.
Tsubaki and Azusa, tongues down each throats realize that a gang bang is about to occur. They cannot miss this opportunity.
Iori, who has been watering his plants this whole time, opens the closet to make preparations. He discovers Mage is still there. Joie, using his magic, sends Mage into another dimension.
Eren approaches 707, wordlessly asking if he wants to join everyone in the closet. 707 nods in approval. Shiki whips out the leash, dragging 707 to the closet.
Joie, Koot, Syghie, Ema, Reiner, Jain, and a crippled Lindo watch the closet rock, back and forth, in a circle, up and down, right to left, left to right, in a square, and in a hoedown throwdown. This occurs to the rhythm of Orpheus by Mamoru Miyano.
Proud parents, Lord Cornelius Springer and Lady Sasha Braus entrust Ema with the task of making sure Eren is okay. They will drive Eren home in the morning.
Jain feels her phone vibrate which sends her titties into fight or flight. She opens the phone to a 2 AM Jumin Han phone call, a scene all too familiar.
“I will see you tomorrow, and we will discuss business,” he states, very kinda CEO-like because he’s rich and basically Gu Jun Pyo, but significantly less toxic imo.
Jain’s honkers let out a hiss, not wanting to have anything to do with Jumin anymore. She doesn’t hang up though for the drama.
“Just know that I expect to see you tomorrow at the rooftop bar that sells Jagermeister exclusively. You know Jagermeister is my drink of choice right? I may be rich, but no aged fine wine will give me the herbal Deutsch benefits that a Jaegermeister on the rocks will do. Drinks are on me, of course,” he continues explaining.
Jain knows she can’t pass up the chance to obtain some free Jagermeister, a drink that is so exquisite served with light ice. She practically grew up on the refreshing taste of Jagermeister as it is the local delicacy of Wolffenbutel, her hometown. Nothing is more luxurious than all paid for Jagermeister treats. How manipulative of Jumin to use Jagermeister against her. Jain has no choice but to agree to meet up with her former flame, Jumin.
“I’m looking forward to seeing you. I’ll also show you a sweet dream, next night.”
The gang decides it is now finally time to go to sleep to prepare for the next day’s nefarious drama. Ema falls face down into the mud, zzzing. Nobody helps her. Alas, the sleepover is ending just how it started.
****
Tokiya finally pulls up to the condomless condo at 5AM. His Batcycle takes a while to get anywhere, and the sun has begun its ascent, and most of the cum has slid off of the moon. He sighs. His delicate nose, with all of the sensory capabilities of both bat and beta man, sniffs the air around the condo. Something in the way. Tokiya decides that whatever happened here, he doesn’t need to be a part of it. Tokiya notices his bat signal is shining in the air. It was actually for Bruce Wayne (spoilers!), but Tokiya answers it anyway. Something is in the way this morning. Today (A/N: aka the next chapter) will be the most dramatic chapter yet.
Tokiya dreamily stares at the Batman sign, caressing the air to state, “I’ll also give you a sweet dream, next night.”