Chapter 13
Dr. Knight has a very kind smile.
That's the first thing Bucky notices when she lets him inside her office. She's nothing like Bucky imagined with her raven dark hair, piercing green eyes and both arms tattooed.
Bucky slowly takes a seat on the couch pressed against the window, the sunlight from outside hitting his back as he sits down. He sticks his trembling, still gloved hands underneath his thighs to hide them from view but Dr. Knight still notices.
''Nervous?'' she asks, taking a seat on a chair across from him.
He nods and blows out a wobbly breath.
''No worries, everybody is nervous their first time in therapy.'' She crosses her legs. ''How about we start with something easy? I'm Dr. Knight but you can just call me Lilly. There's no need to act all professional and proper with me, okay?''
She waits until Bucky nods again before continuing. ''Any preferences on how you want me to refer to you? James or Mr. Barnes-''
''Bucky. That's what my friends call me.''
Lilly smiles. ''Bucky it is, then.''
He doesn't tell her how he hates it when strangers call him 'James', despite that being his actual name. His former therapist always called him that and the way she pronounced it still makes his skin scrawl when he thinks about it. Like she was disappointed in him or like he couldn't do anything right. Maybe both.
If Lilly notices she doesn't comment on it. ''So, let's cover some ground rules here. First of all; everything we discuss stays between us, okay? This is a safe space and I want you to feel comfortable enough to talk about anything you want. If there is anything you feel uncomfortable with I want you to tell me. Even if it is something simple as the colour of my shirt because it's a trigger for you, you can tell me.''
Bucky nods again and notices his chest loosening up a bit. ''Second, there is no pressure at all to talk when you come to your appointments.'' When she notices Bucky's confused frown she continues, ''If you come in here and don't want to talk, that's perfectly fine. We will simply sit or you can bring a book if you want to, whatever you want.''
He frowns again and wraps his human hand around his knee to keep his restless fingers busy. ''Is it okay to talk about things I'm not really here for?'' he asks.
''Absolutely. Besides, there isn't a particular thing you're specifically here for. I'm simply here to help you find your way through things you find difficult. If you come in one day and decide you want to talk about the weather, we will do that. But if you come in and you want to talk about something that happened and bothers you, we'll do that.''
She brings it so easily, so casually, Bucky doesn't know what to do with it. He's so used to his therapist getting pissy at him when he did the wrong thing, always making very clear how disappointed she was in him. This is something entirely different.
To work with someone who sees him as someone with emotions instead of a stoic robot.
''Lastly,'' Lilly continues, ''I do want to press that this is a two-way street between us. I will always give you my honest opinion but it's not my intention to hurt your feelings. If there will come a moment where you feel attacked by my words, please tell me.''
Bucky lets the words settle as Lilly reaches behind her to get a notepad and a pen. His whole body immediately locks up, stress coiling in his stomach so hard he feels a bit nauseous. He can still remember how Dr. Raynor always wrote everything down, even during the moment when Bucky didn't speak at all.
He forces himself to clear his throat before speaking up.
''Can you- uhm. Is it okay if you like, don't use that?'' He gestures to the notepad in Lilly's hands to work his point across. She puts it away immediately, taking her phone from the desk instead.
''Do you mind if I record our session instead? That way I can listen back to it later and note some important stuff down for myself.'' She asks. Bucky shakes his head and sighs deeply, relieved for the alternative option.
As she sets up her phone on record he takes a deep breath, feeling more steadier than when he first came in this morning. He was awake for most of the night, staring at the ceiling with Sam snoring softly in his neck. Endless streams of worries kept replaying, making it almost impossible to get some rest. But now he's finally here and it's not that scary anymore.
Lilly turns to him with a smile when she's ready.
''So, what would you like to talk about?''
He watches her quietly for a minute, a million thoughts flashing through his head. ''Do I need to talk about why I'm here or..?''
She shrugs. ''If you want to, yes. But remember, we can talk about anything.''
The same tight feeling as yesterday evening grips his throat, like he wants to speak but he can't. There are a thousand things he could talk about, maybe even wants to, if only he would find his voice and the right words.
He opens and closes his mouth a few times but nothing comes out. A small part of him wishes Sam was here with him to hold his hand and tell him everything is going to be alright. Bucky holds tightly onto the thought of Sam because he knows this will be all worth it in the end.
Sam's proud face when Bucky will tell him he's going to therapy will mean everything to him.
''I don't like the person I have become.''
He cringes a bit at the way the words linger between them but Lilly doesn't seem to mind. She nods in understanding, a small smile on her face like she's happy Bucky is talking to her.
''Why is that?'' she asks.
Bucky swallows thickly. ''Because-'' he tries to find the right words without sounding like a complete dumbass, mulling them over and over until they lose all of their meaning. It's frustrating.
Lilly stays patient and doesn't push him. She pulls one leg underneath her body and makes herself comfortable before turning her gaze back towards Bucky.
It shouldn't be so difficult to explain what's going on inside his head. The words are there, he knows what he feels and thinks but it's like he lost the ability to speak. The frustrating part is that he can talk about his troubles, but only when everything builds until eventually it explodes.
''I get angry all the time. The smallest things set me off.'' He frowns and wrings his hands together. ''I constantly hurt the people around me because I keep pushing them away.''
She hums in sympathy. ''Why do you push them away, Bucky?''
He closes his eyes to focus on his breathing for a moment. Therapy is very confronting and of course he knows but it also always kind of takes him by surprise. He's forced to dig up everything he so carefully buried all those years ago.
So many years he spent his days building a wall, high enough to protect him from everything outside it. Steve was the only one who was allowed to take a peek inside but he never really knew what was going on in Bucky's head. Then the whole thing with Sam happened and suddenly Bucky had to learn how to live with the fact that Sam worked his way inside without him noticing.
''I got into an accident a few years ago.''
The words tumble from his lips before he can rethink them and suddenly it's like he can't stop. His chest is ripped open and everything he held inside is pouring out, slipping through his fingers.
''A drunk driver drove straight into my car from the left. I don't remember much of it, probably from the shock and because I passed out as soon as the impact came but I couldn't escape this.''
He takes off his gloves and holds both his hands up for Lilly to see the difference. She stays quiet but Bucky doesn't open his eyes to look at her expression. He's afraid to.
''My arm was broken beyond repair so they gave me this instead. Vibranium replacing human flesh.'' Bucky takes a shaky breath but continues quickly, the words falling from his mouth.
''Suddenly my whole world was upside down. I had to live with the fact that I lost my arm but at the same time I didn't, y'know, and the fact I almost died was constantly at the back of my head, too.''
Lilly interrupts him carefully, as if she's afraid he'll stop talking after she asks him a question.
''That must have been very scary.''
Bucky laughs wetly, blinking his eyes open to look at his hands resting in his lap. His sight is blurry from the tears building up but he makes no move to wipe them away before they can fall.
Suddenly he feels so incredibly tired. Every tiny burden he ever carried is slowly crumbling the more he speaks. Deep down inside of him is a lot of unprocessed grief that's begging to come out.
''It was fucking terrifying.'' he admits as silent tears slowly make their way over his cheeks. ''They kept me in an artificial coma for the first week after the accident and also replaced my arm. So when they woke me up it felt like I was watching from a distance. I couldn't wrap my head around everything that happened.''
He can see Lilly shift from the corners of his eyes but he doesn't look up.
''The following weeks were mainly a blur. I can't remember much about that either besides feeling so scared it made me sick. Steve was there to hold my hand through it but-''
''Sorry, just so I know, who is Steve?''
Bucky takes the liberty to dry his cheeks with his sleeve, shaking his head when Lilly offers him a box of tissues.
''Steve's my best friend since we were kids. We're still very close.'' He explains. Lilly does a 'got it' expression with her face before gesturing for him to continue.
''I think I started to develop the defence mechanism during my healing process. People were always asking question or their eyes would linger a second too long on my arm. I got nervous around people, even the ones I knew my whole life.''
He swallows to stall some time as he gathers his thoughts.
''Not everyone was out to get me and I knew, but it still hurt. Children are honest so of course they will stare in the grocery store. I lost a lot of friends because I changed or because they didn't know how to be around me anymore. Even something simple as dating grew to be impossible.''
Lilly pulls her other leg underneath her body. ''Was that because you were afraid of rejection?''
Bucky shrugs weakly. ''It appears most people aren't really into vibranium, not even when it involves casual sex.''
Despite that fact being true and how awful he felt during those times, his heart still reminds him of Sam. How his lover doesn't mind one bit, even loves it at times, and always makes sure to tell Bucky as much. Whether that's when they take a shower and Sam kisses his vibranium shoulder or when he cuddles closer at night and he entwines their fingers in his sleep, never stirring when his warm hand meets slightly colder vibranium.
He looks up when Lilly stands and makes her way over to her desk. She pours them both a glass of water from a carafe before returning and handing Bucky one glass.
''I understand that made you feel insecure. Everybody wants to be accepted the way they are.'' she points out. Bucky nods in agreement but shrugs his shoulders at the same time.
''I guess that's what planted inside my head and make me the way I am. The healing process asked a lot of my mental health and it certainly didn't help that people seemed to pull away from me.''
Understanding flashes over Lilly's face.
''So you started to push people away before they got the chance to leave you behind first.'' she states.
He smiles weakly and averts his eyes again. Somehow Lilly seems to understand him better within half an hour than Dr. Raynor ever did in all those months he went to see her. The best part is that he doesn't feel judged at all, simply observed by someone standing at the sideline.
''I don't want to push people away.'' Bucky admits quietly. ''I just don't know how to stop doing it because to me it feels like I'm protecting myself.''
Lilly nods in understanding. ''But you already took the first step by acknowledging that what once was protecting you is only hurting you now.'' she points out, ''Only people who acknowledge they struggle can be helped.''
Bucky nods and glances up to his therapist. Her way with words and how she explains everything so easily makes him feel a little less stupid, like he's being heard and his worries aren't irrelevant.
''I do want help,'' he answers, ''please.''
Lilly smiles at him. ''Then we'll work on it.''
**
Bucky commits to his therapy over the following weeks.
It's difficult and some days are rough but he never gives up. Sometimes he doesn't feel like talking at all so they end up with Bucky simply breathing while Lilly does some paperwork. It helps, even without any words. Some appointments he can't stop talking about every single thing that's bothering him or he wants to work on.
Lilly remains patient as always with him. She never rolls her eyes, she doesn't push when he can't find the right words, she doesn't get angry when he calls to cancel his appointment because he can't get out of bed on the tough days.
Working on his mental health goes with ups and downs, just like his days. Some days he's very bouncy and happy but some days he's tired and sad. It's part of the process, Lilly always promises him.
After a few weeks he starts to see the results.
It's small and barely noticeable, but there nevertheless.
Lilly teaches him that he needs to try and focus on what goes on inside his head when he starts to feel angry or restless. If he can recognise what exactly is happening inside his head, it'll be easier to see why he reacts the way he does and change something about it, too.
She suggests that he needs to try challenge his thoughts.
Whenever his thoughts take a negative turn, he needs to stop and ask himself; 'Why am I thinking that? Are my thoughts true? What makes me believe they are true? Is there an actual reason that confirm my thoughts?'
Sometimes Steve will help him by giving him small nudges in the right direction.
Whenever Bucky starts to backtrack to his old behaviour his best friend will look at him with a certain look that says; You're doing it again. It works, because Bucky always notices and gets the chance to focus on what's happening to why he reacts like that again.
He's slowly getting there.
The only thing that's also constantly on his mind is Sam.
His lover has been acting strange for the past few days. It seems like his head is miles away but his body is still here. Bucky notices it in every tiny detail; how Sam gets lost in his thoughts when they're watching a movie, how his smile always is a tad too forced, how tired his eyes look. Even how it's like he's not fully present during sex.
He talks to Lilly about it because he worries. It's not like Sam at all to act distant so naturally Bucky notices. He wants to talk to Sam about it but he doesn't know how. That's another thing he's working on; starting a conversation he knows has a chance of getting difficult.
She listens to him and gives him a few helpful tips on how to start the conversation. Lilly explains that he doesn't need to make a big deal out of it, but that he could start by making sure Sam knows Bucky is there for him if he ever needs to talk.
Bucky feels confident with his plan as he leaves her office, already planning out the rest of his evening with Sam. He'll cook them something nice (which probably means spaghetti, because that's the only thing he can make without burning down the apartment) and he'll make sure Sam knows just how much Bucky cares about him.
He stops by the grocery store to pick up everything he needs for tonight, including a lot of unhealthy crap he doesn't need and Sam definitely will give him shit about before making his way home. He's a bit nervous but determined to be there for Sam.
His eyes find Sam the minute he steps through the front door, surprised to see him there already. It's not unusual that sometimes Sam gets home before Bucky or the other way around but he didn't know Sam would be back so soon. He left at the same time as Bucky to his coffee shop after Natasha called about a broken coffee machine. It must have been quick to fix.
''Hey,'' he greets, putting the groceries on the kitchen table. ''that was quick. What was going on with the machine?'' Bucky takes his jacket off, carelessly throwing it on a kitchen chair before turning his head to look at Sam.
He doesn't answer from his spot on the couch but Bucky sees the tense lines of his back and the way he hunches forward. Bucky walks closer and gently presses his hand against Sam's back. ''Are you okay?''
''Are you cheating on me?''
Bucky's whole system falters as the words reach him. Sam doesn't look him in the eyes as he slowly sinks down on the couch and removes his hand from his back.
''What?'' It's the only thing he can come up with right now. Sam could be speaking a whole other language because suddenly he feels as if he doesn't understand a single word that's coming out of his mouth.
Sam turns his head to look at him and Bucky feels his heart squeeze when their eyes meet. Sam looks so incredibly angry but he can't conceal the pain in his eyes and Bucky picks up on it immediately.
''You heard me.'' Sam's whole body shakes with emotions as he pushes Bucky's hand away when he tries to reach out to touch him. It hurts more than it probably should. ''Are you?''
''No!'' Bucky clenches his jaw to prevent himself from more words spilling out. His first instinct is to yell I'd never thought you saw me as a cheater but he forces himself to press pause.
This is exactly what he talked about what Lilly.
He takes a deep breath instead to calm himself down again. Getting angry won't get him anywhere, it will only make everything a thousand times worse. If he accuses Sam of seeing him as a cheater he'll put the blame on Sam, something that is unacceptable. Sam isn't at fault here.
Bucky takes another minute to understand why his first instinct is to get pissed. He's not angry, only deeply worried about why Sam would think something like that. That's probably also why he feels the need to lash out, because it took him by surprise so badly. He didn't see this coming so he feels caught of guard.
Lilly's voice fills his memories; I believe it's safe to say that when you feel any type of overwhelming emotion you fall back to anger because it feels safer that way.
It helps. His head feels much calmer and his emotions settle so he can focus on the one thing that's most important; his worry about Sam.
''Darling,'' Bucky carefully reaches out again, quietly celebrating when Sam doesn't pull away again so he can take his hand in his. ''I'm sorry but I really don't understand. Why would you ever think that?''
The corners of Sam's mouth wobble dangerously, a sign he's getting upset but tries really hard to keep himself together. Sam isn't one to get emotional quickly so it worries Bucky even more that Sam's emotions are taking over so strongly.
''Tony came in to get coffee. He saw me and we started talking before he told me he needed to go because Steve was waiting for him.'' Bucky's shoulders sag in defeat because he already knows where this is going. It's his own fucking fault, too.
Sam laughs but it's deprived from joy. ''And naturally I was confused because you told me you were meeting up with Steve and since Tony only ordered two coffees it didn't add up.''
Bucky quietly says his name but Sam ignores him, he keeps talking as if Bucky didn't try to interrupt him. ''And the whole time I was thinking about how you wouldn't do that to me. You wouldn't go behind my back with someone else.''
His voice cracks on the last words and Bucky feels frozen with pain as Sam crumbles before him.
''The past few weeks I grew worried because you had so much appointments or meetings all the time. I wanted to ask you about it but I never did because I was scared of your answer. But then today happened with Tony and I-''
Sam's words get cut off and his breathing stutters. He clenches his eyes shut but Bucky sees how badly this is effecting him. Sam starts sobbing, a heart-wrenching sound that tears right through Bucky's soul. He shuffles closer and tries to soothe Sam somewhat but nothing seems to help.
''Please-'' he chokes out, gripping Bucky's hand tightly like it's a lifeline. ''Please tell me you're not seeing someone else behind my back.'' Sam begs him, so terribly weak with insecurity and unspoken words. Please tell me you won't leave me behind like Brian did.
It explains why Sam has been acting so weird. All this time he was afraid he'd once come home to find Bucky in bed with someone who's not him. Just thinking about it makes him nauseous.
''Sam, hey. It's okay.'' He isn't used to seeing Sam so heartbroken. It's like he can't stop crying now he started, his whole body language screams how afraid he is. Bucky wraps an arm around Sam to pull him closer, quietly shushing him in hopes it'll calm him down somewhat.
Bucky gently sways Sam's body as he whispers soothing words in his ear. Eventually it helps because Sam slowly calm down enough to stop sobbing, only sniffling every now and then.
He presses a kiss against Sam's temple before nosing his way down the side of his face where he places another soft kiss to his cheek. ''Baby, please look at me.'' Sam does, his watery eyes finding Bucky's.
''I'm seeing a therapist.''
''What?'' Sam sounds so confused and small that Bucky cuddles closer again, smoothing his fingers over the planes of Sam's back.
''I've been seeing a therapist for the past few weeks.'' he repeats. ''Because I want to work on myself and become a better person, including for you.''
Sam visibly calm down a bit but he still looks confused and hurt. ''Why didn't you tell me?'' he whispers as his face twists into another torn expression.
''Because I didn't want to disappoint you in case it didn't work out.'' Bucky tries to explain. He takes Sam's hand and presses a kiss against his knuckles. ''And in a way I was a bit ashamed. Therapy isn't exactly something common.''
Sam sniffs again and shakes his head. ''Therapy isn't shameful.''
Bucky smiles, pressing another kiss to Sam's head. Of course he agrees but it's sweet that Sam tells him even when he's feeling like this. It shows once again how selfless he is.
He wipes the tears from Sam's cheeks with both his hands, basking in the way Sam's hands wrap around his wrists to hold them in place.
''I would never cheat on you, Sam.'' he presses, making sure Sam is looking at him. ''I'm terribly sorry for lying to you about where I went but you have to know I didn't do it to deceive you. I only wanted to make sure it was working before I told you.''
Sam ducks his head, obviously ashamed now the edge is gone and he's left with soft waves of emotions. ''I'm sorry.'' He turns his head to press a kiss against Bucky's vibranium palm. ''I shouldn't have doubted you.''
Bucky hums in disagreement. ''You had every reason to be scared after what Brian did to you. Such things don't go away overnight.'' he points out.
Look at him, sounding like a person who has their shit together and has an understanding about emotions. Fuck you very much, Dr. Raynor.
Deep down he's actually really proud of himself for keeping his cool. He could have started an argument by reacting in the heat of the moment but instead he made sure to understand what was going on inside himself before he responded.
He quietly watches how Sam seems to get it together. His breathing returns to a steady rhythm, the tears stop and his body stops trembling due to heavy emotions, now only occasionally twitching with lingering adrenaline.
''How are we feeling, hm?'' Bucky brushes his thumb over the corner of Sam's mouth, smiling softly when he feels a faint twitch.
Sam sighs deeply. ''Like an idiot.''
Bucky laughs softly before kissing Sam's temple again. ''You're my idiot, then.''
He rips his phone from the pocket of his pants and holds it out for Sam to take, waiting patiently until he does. Sam turns to Bucky with a confused frown.
''If it'll ease your mind, look through my phone.'' Sam starts to protest but Bucky cuts him off by squeezing his thigh. ''We can also give my therapist a call, Dr. Knight, and you can ask her everything you want if that'll help you feel better, baby.''
The corner of Sam's mouth ticks dangerously for a second, making Bucky worry he somehow upset Sam again. But his partner luckily doesn't seem upset, simply overcome with emotions. Sam pushes Bucky's phone to the side before leaning forwards to catch Bucky's lips in a kiss. He doesn't have to say anything because Bucky knows anyway, he can feel it in the way Sam kisses him.
He leaves it to Sam to pull back first, gladly accepting every second he kisses him. Eventually Sam breaks their kiss and immediately wraps him in a hug, burying his face in Bucky's shoulder.
''I love you.'' he whispers.
Bucky pulls him impossibly closer and smiles. ''I love you more.''