Chapter 12
Bucky wakes with a start, his whole body heavy with sleep. It takes a moment before he remembers where he is, blinking his eyes open and taking everything in. Oh, right. His head reminds him of everything that happened before reality catches up.
He can't help but smile when suddenly a pair of arms wrap around him from behind, a familiar body pressing against his. ''Mornin', baby.'' Sam presses a soft kiss against a scar lingering on the edge of where vibranium meets flesh. ''Slept okay?''
Bucky hums softly and cuddles closer, pressing back until there's no more room between them. Sam huffs out a small laugh against the back of his neck, nuzzling Bucky's hair with his nose.
His whole body aches in the best way possible after yesterday and last night. They couldn't get enough of each other, every round felt as if they tried to melt together into one person.
Sam's free hand runs over Bucky's belly, fingertips softly smoothing over his skin. He doesn't know how early it is but he's too content to get up so he can check the time on his phone. Sam presses another kiss against Bucky's jaw and gently runs his hands over his ribs.
''What do you wanna eat? I can make us some breakfast.'' he suggest. Bucky makes a noise at the back of his throat in displeasure. ''Later. M'not hungry.''
He lets himself be pulled closer again, basking in the warmth Sam's body provides him.
''You need to eat, babe.'' Sam's fingers pause on his ribs, squeezing softly. ''Don't think I didn't notice you lost weight.''
''You weren't complaining last night.''
Sam snorts, poking his index finger against Bucky's belly. ''I'm not complaining, Barnes. I'm being worried.''
Bucky sighs deeply and closes his eyes momentarily again. He almost forgot how it felt with Sam; his everlasting love for the people he holds dear, his heart that's too big for his chest, the way he knows Bucky inside out.
''I'll eat a damn hamburger later if it'll make you happy.'' Bucky mumbles. His lover hums happily and presses another kiss to his cheek this time. ''Very.''
He entwines their fingers together and brings their hands up to his face so he can kiss Sam's knuckles. They're quiet for a while, both dozing some more as the sun rises outside. Eventually Bucky grows too restless to fall asleep again, now he's finally awake everything starts spinning again.
They should talk about what happened, he knows they should. They can't just fall into each other's arms, have mind-blowing reunion sex and forget about everything that happened. It would be easier, sure, but it wouldn't be right.
''Should we talk about it or something?''
Sam laughs so abruptly that his chest rattles with it, causing Bucky to laugh a bit nervously, too.
''Or something, he says.'' Sam snorts, giggling when Bucky pinches his arm. He knows that staying in this position feels safer for him because Sam won't be able to look at him when they talk. But he also knows that this is about being open and honest and he can't do that if he keeps a safe distance.
All the way or nothing at all.
Bucky takes a deep breath and turns around where his light eyes find Sam's dark ones.
Sam smiles softly at him as if he knows, which he probably does. Somehow Sam always knows, he always knows how to look past every wall Bucky builds to see everything he tries to hide.
''I'm sorry.'' Bucky starts, ''I can't express how terribly sorry I am for kicking you out without hearing you out first.'' He frowns as emotions start flooding his chest, regret sitting heavy in his stomach. ''I just- I saw you with Brian and I couldn't think straight. It was like panic took over.''
He forces himself to take a shaky breath, cursing himself for getting worked up already. All the pain, stress and sorrow starts dripping through the cracks, his body accepting that it's finally okay to let go.
Sam also notices, quietly saying his name as he takes his hand in his but Bucky doesn't let him come between. Sam will wave everything away as if his own feelings never mattered in this incident while his feelings are everything to Bucky.
''I'm so sorry for hurting you.'' he continues. ''I don't know why I keep reacting like that-''
He's forced to take another breath when his breath hitches, emotions slowly taking over. Bucky feels fucking awful for hurting Sam, the one person in the whole world who goes out of his own way to make him happy. It hurts him in unspeakable ways.
''You reacted the way you did because you were scared, baby.'' Sam points out, brushing Bucky's hair away from his forehead. ''I'm not angry at you for sending me away.''
The dam breaks and suddenly Bucky feels so overwhelmed with emotions he starts rambling.
''But you should be angry.'' Bucky cries, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. ''You should be furious with me for treating you like I did. I didn't even give you a change to explain! You don't deserve what I did to you, Sam. How could you be okay with that?''
Sam pulls his hands away from his eyes, holding them to prevent him from repeating the action.
''I wasn't okay with it and I was hurt. But aside from that I understood what happened because I know you, Bucky.'' Bucky sniffles softly, calming down somewhat with the way Sam touches him.
''When you came in that day, when you sent me away, all I could see was how scared you were.'' Sam explains. ''I saw you pull back into your shell from where I stood. Every time I tried to touch you and you pulled back, I saw how you tried to build your wall back up so desperately it hurt me to look at.''
Bucky sighs deeply to gather his thoughts even though he feels less emotional. He's still hurting, that won't change. He caused so much pain on both of them and it feels like he won't be able to forgive himself for that.
''When I saw you with Brian-'' Bucky swallows thickly and averts his eyes as shame floods his belly. ''it was like a big part of me went into survival mode. Because from the minute you showed any interest in me I was convinced you would leave me for someone better.''
''Buck,'' Sam breathes, a painful scowl pulling his eyebrows down. Bucky can't look him in the eye now the truth is out, his biggest fear laying out for Sam to see. ''look at me.''
He does, looking up at his lover. Sam waits patiently until he gets himself together before cradling Bucky's head to kiss him. It's a soft kiss but Sam pours so much feeling into it Bucky can feel his toe curl. He blinks a bit owlishly when Sam pulls back before looking him straight in the eye.
''I love you.'' Sam whispers.
It's so easy, not scary at all with the way Sam looks at him. ''I love you, no one else. Nobody else will ever come close to the way I feel about you. And I will tell you how much I love you for as long as you'll have me.''
Bucky's crying but this time they're happy tears. It feels like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he's finally able to breathe again. How miserable he was for the past few weeks is how perfectly blissful he feels now.
He pulls Sam closer again for a kiss. Sam keeps giggling at his mouth despite Bucky ugly crying and probably getting snot everywhere. It's anything but attractive but Sam clearly doesn't mind, kissing back with everything he has as his hands grip Bucky's waist.
''I love you, too.'' Bucky eventually gets out, his voice hoarse with emotions. ''I love you so much.'' He sniffs again when Sam dries his cheeks with his thumbs. ''M'sorry.''
Sam makes a soft noise and presses another kiss against the corner of his mouth. ''Stop apologizing.'' he answers. ''What's done is done. Let's focus on what comes next, okay?''
Bucky gladly agrees, laughing a bit wetly when Sam pulls him closer and blows a raspberry against his cheek. His lover wraps his arms around him and pulls him close, running his fingertips over Bucky's bare human arm.
''Are you okay?'' Sam asks, pressing a soft kiss against Bucky's forehead. His chest squeezes with affection for the other man and he finds it very easy to smile up at him.
''Much better.'' he agrees. There's still a small part of him unhappy with the way things went down but he also knows it won't do him any good if he keeps worrying about it.
He laughs again when Sam hums happily and bends down to kiss him, very obviously working his point across. They're not really properly kissing with the way Bucky keeps laughing and Sam keeps grinning but neither of them mind.
''I remember some promises about hamburgers.'' Bucky murmurs against Sam's lips even though he makes no move to push Sam away.
Sam hums again, softly pushing against Bucky's hips to move him flat against the mattress. He follows and kneels above Bucky's body.
''Breakfast doesn't usually involve hamburgers.'' Sam points out, slowly working towards Bucky's neck where he continues pressing kisses.
''You're so full of crap, Wilson.'' He snorts. Bucky pointedly rolls his eyes to get his point across but he tilts his head to the side either way. What can he say? Sam is his weakness. ''One would believe with how much sex we had the past few hours you'd have enough.''
His breath hitches when Sam bites down on his shoulder before soothing the sting with a kiss. Sam's grin is warm against his skin.
''I'll never get enough of you.''
**
Eventually they do talk about it some more.
Sam explains why Brian came by and what happened.
He tries to explain what went down in his head when he let Brian in, truthfully believing they could talk about what happened and send Brian on his merry way afterwards. How difficult it was for him to send Brian away when he started crying after Sam told him he didn't want him anymore, that he found someone else. How torn he felt when Brian kissed him because he believed it would made Sam realise how he felt about him.
How that kiss meant nothing to him and the only thing he could think about was Bucky.
Bucky would very much like to punch Brian square in the face for hurting Sam like this, the most sweetest person he knows. He can see Sam is still trying to deal with it even though his feelings for Brian have passed. They were still a couple for a while, that doesn't go away overnight.
He does understand Sam's action about that night. It was stupid to believe Sam would just turn Brian the cold shoulder. Sam always sees the best in people, even the ones that hurt him, so it's natural for him to give second chances so easily.
It'll take some time for Sam to accept everything that happened between Brian and him, but Bucky will gladly hold his hand through it.
They agree to take their time.
Maybe that's a bit ironic, seeing they declared their love for each other already. They do love each other, no question about it, but they also know they both need time to figure some things out.
Mainly Bucky wants to work on becoming a better version of himself.
He knows he needs help for his mental health. It's not normal to lash out the way he does and it's not normal how he pushes away everyone who tries to get close.
It's not normal how lowly he thinks about himself.
Bucky knows it's an unhealthy copying mechanism remaining after the accident but he doesn't know how to stop it. It's something that rooted deeply inside his core and took over his whole body like a virus. Something that is always there and you feel its presence but there's nothing you can do to get rid of it.
He takes the first step to ask Steve for help.
His best friend is understanding as always and incredibly proud that Bucky asks for help. Steve is quiet as Bucky tries to explain what always goes around in his head, not commenting on the fact that Bucky avoids his eyes the entire conversation.
Steve helps him look into different therapists close by, carefully filtering through every single one of them. They set up a list with the ones Bucky likes best and start crossing off names after calling them all for more information.
It's difficult and he feels on edge constantly but then he'll look at Steve and see this proud look in his eyes that makes everything a bit less scary.
He doesn't tell Sam about it because in a way he feels ashamed.
After a few weeks of carefully filtering through various therapists he finds one not too far from his apartment. She sounds friendly enough when he calls to make an appointment but his hands still tremble after he hangs up.
It's a start.
The night before his appointment he retrieved to Sam's apartment for the night in hopes it will grant him some rest. Sam didn't ask any questions when Bucky arrived unannounced but they linger inside his eyes. He let him in after eyeing Bucky's overnight bag, greeting him with a kiss like always.
He tries to act like he normally would but it's difficult. Bucky's head keeps turning, endless worries about his appointment tomorrow keep popping up. What if she doesn't like him? What if he doesn't like her? What if she laughs at him? What if she tells him he's acting like an idiot and he should just suck it up-
''Babe.''
Bucky blinks, slowly stepping out of his head when Sam's voice reaches him. It takes a minute before he remembers where he is; curled up on the couch with his feet pressed against Sam's thigh, his thumb softly rubbing over his ankle.
''Hm?'' He takes a look at Sam before pointing them back to the television, trying to remember what they were watching before he zoned out. Bridgerton season two is glaring at him and- right.
''Are you planning on telling me what's bothering you?'' His eyes flicker to the screen before setting on Bucky again. ''Anthony took his shirt of twice in the past ten minutes and you didn't comment on it once.''
Bucky huffs out a laugh but his mouth doesn't join. His lover sighs softly before pausing the series, turning his body towards Bucky.
Sam squeezes his ankle. ''Hey, you know you can talk to me. What's going on in that cyborg brain of yours?'' He softly knocks on the side of Bucky's head, causing him to smile softly this time.
He swallows thickly and shame floods his chest. He tried so hard to hold himself together over the past week only for it to fall apart at the last moment. Sam means well, of course he does, but it only reminds Bucky of why he is going to therapy in the first place.
Even now he finds it fucking terrifying to talk about it with Sam. He wants to but something holds him back. Always afraid of getting hurt, his head reminds him.
He tries so incredibly hard to open his mouth and talk about it, reminding himself that Sam wants to help, but he can't. He physically can't. Something is pushing down his chest and it feels like he's underwater, like he'll choke if he opens his mouth.
Bucky knows it's stupid and unnecessary. They talked a few weeks ago when they made up and sure it was scary but he did it anyway. He tries to remember that moment as detailed as possible in hopes it will gift him some comfort.
It doesn't.
The silence drags on and the longer he sits there, saying absolutely nothing, the worse he feels. He wills himself to speak up, doesn't matter about what, anything will suffice. But he can't.
Sam, bless him, seems to catch on with what's happening. He pats Bucky's ankle before getting up, casually throwing down the blanket they were both snuggling under. ''I'll be right back, tea or coffee?''
It only takes one look from Bucky before he nods, smiling as he goes. ''Coffee it is.''
While Sam busies himself in the kitchen Bucky tries to gain some self-control, forcing himself to not fall apart. It won't do him any good if he loses it because Sam will worry and then he'll feel even more guilty for worrying him.
He's so fucking tired of his head acting so difficult.
Sam returns quickly enough, not even seeming bothered by the fact that Bucky is acting so emotionally constipated. Bucky doesn't know if that's reassuring or worrying.
Instead he looks up when Sam hands him a foam coffee cup instead of an actual mug, frowning but not saying anything as he takes it. Sam presses a kiss against Bucky's head before he sits down again and presses play.
He doesn't ask anything else and for a minute Bucky is confused to why he lets it slide so easily. Normally Sam is quite pushy when he wants to know something or if he worries, which he does a lot, so it's a bit strange now he keeps quiet. Bucky tries not to dwell on it for long because a big part of him is happy that Sam lets it be.
His eyes find the coffee cup and also the words written on it with a sharpie.
I'll always be here for you. Even when we don't talk, I'm still here and I love you.
Bucky doesn't say anything as he turns around to press himself against Sam's side, wrapping his arms and legs around him to get as close as possible. He kisses Sam's cheek before cuddling closer.
Somehow Sam always knows what he needs even when Bucky never knew he needed it in the first place.
It's one of the reasons he loves him so much.