Chapter 11
A few weeks pass.
They haven't spoken since that night and Bucky's slowly crumbling under the weight of it.
Bucky is a mess. He looks like one, too. Dark circles underneath his eyes seem to be a permanent thing now a days and he doesn't even try with his hair anymore, simply brushing it to the back with some gel in hopes it looks okay-ish. He also lost some weight due to his terrible eating habits. Even looking at food makes him nauseous.
He lives on auto-pilot. Everything he does is like he isn't really there. During work his customers notice he's off and during his days off he sulks at home. It's like he doesn't know how to function anymore. He doesn't know how to life normally without Sam around.
Simply thinking back about their argument has his stomach clenching dangerously. Sam's eyes filled with tears as he begged Bucky to let him explain still haunt him, even weeks later.
He feels empty.
The non-stop crying stopped after a few days but the wobbly-feeling lingers. He's constantly on edge, as if he's waiting for something small that'll set him off. Every minute of every day is filled with regret and pain. He regrets not hearing Sam out. He's so incredibly sorry for sending Sam away without letting him explain what happened.
Steve officially moved out a week ago so it's just him now. The apartment is always too cold when he comes home, always too quiet. He can still see Sam as if he's there with him; cooking for them when he got home early, lounging on the couch with The Hobbit in his hands, jumping in Bucky's arms the second he entered the apartment.
Sleep is something non-existing anymore. His nights are filled with tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling until his eyes burn and his alarm goes off. Every time he closes his eyes that night replays behind his eyelids or he dreams about it. He's exhausted but sleep almost never comes.
He tries to think about ways to apologize. Countless ideas come to mind but not one sounds good enough. The look of pure devastation on Sam's face when Bucky sent him away isn't something he can fix so easily.
Bucky feels alone and so incredible sad, not knowing how to fix any of this.
He's scared that this can never be fixed.
**
It's Thursday evening when Bucky is making preparation before closing up the shop when Peter walks inside.
The younger man smiles a bit hesitant, as if he's not sure if he is welcome or not. His cheeks are pink from the chill outside and he's holding two coffee cups again.
''Hi.'' he greets hesitantly. ''Is this a bad time?''
Bucky waves him in. ''It's fine. I'm just getting everything ready for tomorrow.''
Peter shuffles closer and holds out one cup of coffee when he's close enough. Bucky takes it with a quiet 'thank you'. He doesn't drink from it, instead placing it on the counter for later.
''How are you holding up?'' Peter asks.
Bucky sighs. ''Not too good.'' he confesses quietly. ''How is Sam?''
''Not too good.'' Peter repeats and shrugs in sympathy. ''He doesn't really talk about it. But you know how he is, always claiming he's okay when he's so obviously not.''
Bucky hums softly in agreement. Sam can't lie for shit. He always starts laughing or he averts his eyes a lot. It's basically written on his forehead whenever he lies.
Maybe he should feel annoyed about Peter obviously knowing that something happened between them. Maybe he should be angry because Sam told him. But that's the thing; he can't feel anything aside from sadness, exhaustion and regret.
''He misses you.'' Peter says, his voice soft as if he's afraid he'll scare Bucky away.
Bucky clenches his jaw in hopes his eyes will stop burning with unshed tears. The words cut through him like a knife, they cut his chest open and rip apart his heart.
''I miss him, too.'' So incredibly much it physically pains me. Bucky turns his head before wiping his eyes. Crying in front of Peter feels scary somehow. Luckily the other man doesn't hold it against him, simply keeping himself busy with some flyers on the counter as Bucky gets a grip on himself. Tries to, at least.
He blows out a huge breath. ''I messed up,'' Bucky admits, ''and I don't know how to fix it.''
''Maybe you should try to talk to him.'' Peter proposes.
Bucky shrugs weakly. ''I don't think he wants to see me after what happened. He has every right to be angry.'' He closes his eyes in pain when Sam's face after he told him to get out fills his brain. ''I was so awful to him.'' he whispers.
Peter pats his hand, obviously trying to offer some comfort. ''Don't be so hard on yourself. Sam isn't angry, only sad.''
Like that makes everything less painful. He still caused Sam pain and sadness, the one thing he never wanted to inflict on him.
''I have to go, Wade is waiting for me.'' Peter says, squeezing Bucky's hand before letting go. ''Maybe you're so worried about what happened where Sam is merely waiting for you to be ready to talk.''
He smiles warmly at Bucky as if he's telling him a secret. ''Think about it, okay?'' Peter nods in agreement when Bucky does, too. ''I'll see you later.''
Bucky watches him go and sighs when the door falls shut.
He knows Peter has a point. If he were man enough he'd go to Sam to talk about what happened, like a fucking adult would do. But unfortunately he's too scared. Afraid that Sam will send him away, scared of his once warm eyes turning cold when he looks at him.
After a moment he pulls himself together enough to finish closing up. He lays out the designs for tomorrow, checks his email one more time, closes the office and makes one last round to make sure everything is closed and turned off.
He is putting on his coat when his eyes fall on the cup of coffee Peter brought him, long forgotten on the counter. Despite knowing it's probably cold by now he picks it up anyway. His whole body freezes when he finds the words written on the cup, Sam's neat handwriting immediately recognisable.
Bridgerton, S1, E5, 51:25
His heart hammers so hard against his ribs he's afraid they're going to break.
The words are written with a black sharpie so they wouldn't get smudged. Bucky carefully runs his thumb over the words before actually realising what it means. It's an episode with a specific time period for him to watch.
Bucky never rushed home so fast in his entire life.
He's completely out of breath when he stumbles inside his apartment, throwing his coat towards the coat rack without seeing where it actually lands. He all but runs towards his bedroom where his laptop is, waiting for him on top of his nightstand
At first his hands are shaking so badly he can't even press in the password to his laptop properly so he forces himself to take a breath. This is ridiculous, he reminds himself, if Steve would see him like this he would straight out laugh at him.
Eventually his hands feel steady enough to punch in the password and he makes quick work of starting up Netflix. Bridgerton is listed in his personal to-watch list even though he saw it three times already in the past few weeks.
Bucky clicks the right episode and waste no time skipping forward until he reached the correct time stamp. He recognises the scene immediately; it's Daphne's and Simon's wedding night at the inn. It's his favourite scene because that's the moment where they confess their love for each other and fall together like puzzle pieces.
His hands grow clammy when he hits play.
Simon is watching Daphne from a distance, obviously a bit conflicted about what he wants to say. Eventually he speaks up;
''Everything I told the queen was true.''
Bucky's throat grows tight with anticipation as Daphne turns to Simon on the screen. Disbelief and shock is written over her face as Simon pours his heart out to her.
''I cannot stop thinking about you. From the mornings you ease, to the evenings you quiet, to the dreams you inhabit, my thoughts of you never end. I am yours, Daphne. I have always been yours.''
Daphne confesses that she doesn't understand and the scene continues, but Bucky can't hear her over the blood rushing through his ears. His heart beat so loud it scares him a little and his head spins.
The words keep echoing inside his skull.
It's not really a love declaration but at the same time it is. Despite everything that happened, despite Bucky hurting Sam's feelings, despite throwing him out without letting him explain, Sam still makes sure Bucky knows how he feels.
Somehow it feels a little bit like Sam is talking directly to him. A small part of him is waiting for Sam to appear out of thin air, wrapping his arms around Bucky from behind and kissing the skin beneath his ear like he always did before.
He replays the scene over and over until his finger hurts and tears are dripping over his cheeks.
**
It still takes him until the weekend before he grows enough courage to visit Sam.
He woke up early on Saturday despite feeling absolutely drained. Almost the entire night he ends up tossing, turning or jerking awake after weird dreams so he's tired beyond belief.
Pushing the tiredness aside he forces himself out of bed to take a shower before heading over to Sam. He texted Peter last night to ask where Sam is staying, a small fear that he ended up at some crappy hotel present. Luckily his worries were eased quickly when Peter texted him back with an address only a couple blocks away.
After his shower he takes his time getting ready so his nerves can settle somewhat. He takes his time changing into a pair of nice fitting jeans, a dark red Henley shirt and his boots. Even his hair gets some much needed attention and after some gel and a half-up man bun he doesn't look so dead anymore.
He decides to walk to Sam's apartment because he feels too shaky to drive safely. It's sunny out today but still chilly so he's grateful for grabbing his leather jacket at the last moment.
The walk there clears his head a bit and makes him less anxious although the nerves rush back when he approaches the right building. It looks nice on the outside even as it seems a bit outdated. No cracks in the walls so at least that's good.
Bucky's breathing gets a bit tight when his eyes find Sam's name behind number 24. Suddenly it feels so real. The fact that he kicked Sam out in the heat of the moment without hearing him out first. He's a pathetic excuse of a human, that's for damn sure.
He presses all the buttons from top to bottom, quickly pushing the main door open when it buzzes open. People now a days are not careful enough about who they let inside, or they simply don't care.
The stairs get his preference, too impatient to wait for the elevator. He takes two steps a time as he walks up to the second floor, pointedly ignoring the nervous squeeze in his tummy as he gets closer to Sam.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. They haven't talked for almost a month. Showing up at his door without an announcement feels really stupid now he's finally here.
Nevertheless he pushes through, quickly knocking before he can change his mind. It feels like hours before the door opens and finally Sam is standing in front of him again.
The first thing Bucky notices is how tired Sam looks. He looks fucking gorgeous, as always, but something's off. It feels a bit like his 'light' is turned off, like only a shell of him is left. The purple bruises beneath his eyes match with his own and quietly tell him about Sam's lack of sleep.
Sam takes the first step, visibly swallowing before doing so.
''Hey-''
''You quoted Bridgerton to me.''
Bucky tries to feel ashamed for interrupting Sam before he has a change to speak but he can't. Simply seeing Sam breaks down every little fear he felt since their fight. Suddenly it doesn't feel scary anymore to stand here in front of the man he loves.
Sam's shoulders relax a bit and a soft smile curls his mouth upwards.
''I did.'' he agrees easily.
''You chose my favourite scene.'' Bucky says, ignoring the way his voice sounds all choked-up with emotions.
Sam eyes soften. ''I did.'' he repeats, softer this time.
''How did you know?'' Bucky asks because he needs to know. He needs to know how Sam knew that specific scene was Bucky's favourite. Sometimes Sam would join Bucky in watching an episode but he never watched the whole thing. Besides, Bucky never told him that was his favourite scene.
''I didn't.'' Sam says and Bucky stops breathing. ''I chose that scene because of what Simon said. Because those words come closest to how I feel about you.''
He carefully reaches out to brush his fingers against Bucky's vibranium hand. It painfully reminds him of when he kept pulling away when Sam tried to touch him. He doesn't pull away this time and allows Sam's fingers to curl around his.
A small voice in the back of his head reminds him they're standing in the doorway but he doesn't care. Not when Sam looks at him like he's doing now; like Bucky is the only thing he cares about. Like he forgets that there is a whole world turning around them with Bucky in front of him.
He's pretty sure he looks at Sam the exact same way.
''I burn for you, Sam.'' Bucky whispers, a laugh bubbling up at the same time as his eyes fill with tears. A beautiful grin spreads on Sam's face as he pulls Bucky closer, wrapping his free arm around his waist to pull them flush.
''You quoted Bridgerton to me.'' Sam repeats Bucky's words from before, his eyes crinkling at the corners when Bucky laughs again. He's crying and laughing at the same time but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore now Sam is finally holding him again.
''I did.'' he answers with ease, allowing Sam to brush away his tears with the pads of his thumbs.
It feels so easy like this; their bodies pressed together and their foreheads touching when Bucky bends forwards a tiny bit. Every single piece of stress drains from his body until there's nothing left. Every empty space inside his body is reserved for Sam.
Everything starts to shift back into place.
Sam's hands come up to softly cradle Bucky's head. His heart drops to a steady rhythm.
Sam tilts his head so he can kiss him. The uneasy rush inside his brain stills.
Sam pulls him closer as he kisses him. Something settles behind his ribs.
Sam doesn't break their kiss as he pulls Bucky inside his apartment, pushing the door close behind them.
The pull is sweet and fierce from where it takes root behind his ribs.