Chapter 10
At first everything is fantastic when they return home.
They have the apartment to themselves since Steve is on his honeymoon with Tony. They make good use of it, having sex on every available surface there is. Turns out Bucky has a thing for getting fucked against the kitchen counter and Sam loves it when they barely make it inside before they tumble to the floor where he'll ride him.
There's something thrilling about going to work every day with the knowledge Sam will jump him the minute he comes home.
They are that typical, annoying, disgustingly sweet couple you always read about or see in movies. Bucky laughs so much over the days that his cheeks hurt when he goes to bed. Sam becomes insufferable, always clinging to Bucky whenever they're both at home.
Bucky hasn't slept in his own bed ever since they came home because Sam always drags him to his room. He never complains because Sam makes it worth his while and besides, he sleeps better than before. The nightmares keep at bay and even if he starts to get restless Sam is always there, draping his body over Bucky's to hold him until it passes.
His feelings for Sam grow deeper and bigger the more time they spend together.
It's during mornings where Bucky wakes up before Sam and he can look at him sleep, his face incredibly soft and young where he realises how deeply in love he is with him.
It threatens to suffocate him on a daily base, especially during moment where Sam proves to him what a wonderful human being he is. When he wraps his arms around Bucky from behind, kissing his nape. When he cuddles Bucky close on the couch and comments on every stupid thing happening on the tv. When he spends all night pulling Bucky apart, only to spend as much time putting him back together again.
Sometimes the feeling chokes him, throat growing tight with unspoken words.
Sam leans over him on the bed, sunlight hitting his face from the side as he smiles down fondly on Bucky, his fingers slowly caressing his cheek and suddenly it hits him. He's a second away from spilling his guts to Sam, to whisper those three words to him, but he holds back. Instead he tilts his head up, smiling when Sam bends down to kiss him.
He's not stupid. They don't talk about what's going on between them but Bucky knows what is happening. At least for him it's clear as day.
At first it was a stupid crush. He saw how sweet Sam was and wanted to know how it was to feel a little piece of that directed to him. It wasn't only physical but the sex was and still is a big bonus.
But with every passing hour his heart starts to yearn for Sam in a whole other way.
It's terrifying to realise liking Sam switched to loving Sam.
He tries not to think about it too much even though his heart can't be ignored. Suddenly everything revolves around Sam. Bucky loves the way Sam's mouth wobbles when he tries not to laugh, he loves the way he softly mouths the words when they watch his favourite movie, he loves the way he allows Bucky to let him fall apart and put him back together again during sex.
He loves Sam with everything he has.
That's why it's so extremely painful when everything falls apart.
Their bubble bursts and only destruction and pain remains.
It's their last day alone before Steve returns home and Bucky wanted to surprise Sam since he got away early from work. He's excited to go home, even picking up a simple bouquet of sunflowers on the way because they're Sam's favourite. What can he say, he's a hopeless romantic by heart.
He enters his apartment but immediately freezes on the spot because he comes face to face with Sam getting kissed by a stranger.
His heart crumbles to dust inside his chest.
Blood pumping loudly through his ears is the only thing he can focus on. It's like he doesn't even realise it when the stranger leaves, loud voices muffled by the pounding in his ears. He swears he can hear Sam yell, something he rarely does, but the words don't reach him.
Sam appears before him. His lips move but Bucky doesn't hear him, everything narrowing down to the ache inside his chest. It's only when Sam tries to hold his hand that everything speeds up again.
''Don't touch me.''
''Please, it's not what you think-''
He tries to reach out again but Bucky's body moves before his head can catch up, taking a step back. Hurt flashes over Sam's face and his eyes grow a bit desperate. ''Buck-''
''Don't fucking call me that.'' Bucky spits, rage suddenly flaming up and filling his veins. The defence mechanism he built since the accident roars its ugly head, preventing him from getting hurt. Get angry, push away, don't let them close enough to hurt you.
He tries to ignore the fact that he already got hurt beyond repair.
Sam's eyes grow damp and suddenly he starts crying silently. ''Don't do this. Please-'' He reaches out and his fingertips brush over Bucky's bare arm before he moves out of the way. ''Brian came to talk but I told him to leave, he kissed me-''
The knowledge that this stranger kissing Sam isn't a stranger after all hurts even more. Brian was the person who had Sam and betrayed him but at the end he's still the one who gets to have Sam.
Sam is talking to him, desperately trying to explain but not one word filters through his brain. It feels like he's watching from a distance as everything slowly falls apart around them. Everything they build over the past few months. Sam gaining his trust, all their whispered confessions in the dark, slow dancing on the wedding, every time they made love.
Something inside him snaps.
''Get out.''
A desperate sadness falls over Sam's whole demeanour but he doesn't care. Suddenly nothing matters anymore. He feels incredibly empty.
''I don't- Bucky, please. Tell me what I need to do.'' Sam begs but Bucky doesn't answer. He has no answer.
He merely shakes his head, ignoring Sam's eyes. Looking at him will hurt too much and he's afraid he'll completely lose it the moment their eyes will meet.
''We're done here.''
Bucky pushes the flowers against Sam's chest as he walks past him without waiting for an answer. He feels numb as he locks himself away in his bedroom, pressing his back against the door before sliding towards the ground.
It's like he's underwater as he sits there; listening to footsteps moving through the apartment behind him, the loud cracks as his heart breaks, his whole world crumbling down around him. Eventually Sam's footsteps stop moving through the apartment, fading to the hall. The front door closing sounds unbearably loud in the quiet between the walls.
Bucky can't move. He sits there until it grows dark outside and rain starts to patter against the window.
He desperately waits for the pull behind his ribs when he thinks about Sam.
It never comes.
**
The last restrain inside Bucky breaks when Steve comes home a day after what happened. Steve find him curled up in bed, greeting him a bit confused as if he's surprised that Bucky is in bed.
Suddenly Bucky starts crying so hard it takes his breath away.
Everything crashes down on him, the weight of it all pressing him down into the mattress. Steve doesn't ask but he spurs into action immediately, curling his own body protectively around Bucky and wrapping his arms around the other man. He quietly shushes him and murmurs comforting words in Bucky's ear but nothing works.
Bucky feels like he's slowly dying.
Now the dam finally broke he can't seem to stop. He cries until he's empty, his throat raw because of the rough breathing he did.
Since the accident he rarely cries in front of other people and even Steve seems to realise that something is terribly wrong with the way Bucky breaks before him. Normally even showing sadness in front of Steve is difficult for him because he's so used to dealing with everything alone. But this time it's different.
Sam ripped his whole soul apart.
Guilt eats away at Bucky because he drags Steve into this mess, despite the blonde repeating over and over that he understands. Bucky tries to pull himself together enough to at least ask Steve how his honeymoon was but he physically can't.
Steve holds him through it. He presses soft kisses against Bucky's head and squeezes his body as if he believes that will stop Bucky from falling apart. It's obvious he feels a bit uneasy because this literally never happens. Steve is the emotional one, not Bucky.
His head pounds when his tears finally run dry. Thousands emotions flash through his body so he doesn't know how to feel when Steve asks him how he is feeling.
''I don't know.'' he answers truthfully, sniffing softly as Steve brushes some tears from his cheeks. ''M'sorry you had to come home to this.''
''Don't apologize.'' Steve protests. ''You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings, Buck. You know that.''
He nods despite not really knowing. He understands what Steve is trying to say, though.
''You want to take a shower as I unpack? We can talk afterwards if you feel up for it.'' Steve suggests. Bucky tries not to think too much about the fact that Steve will only unpack for two more weeks before he's moving in with Tony. It was bound to happen, Steve moving out after the wedding, but it still hurts.
For now Bucky simply hums in agreement, quietly thanking Steve when he squeezes him momentarily before letting go.
The warm water clears his head a bit but it does nothing to the ache possessing his chest. As if a huge part of him is missing.
He stands underneath the stream until the water runs cold. Time lost its meaning since Sam left the apartment so he doesn't even know how late it is. A whole day went by, he knows that much, but it's like everything halted to a stop directly around him.
Finally he drags himself out of the shower, changing into clean joggers. The first hoodie his fingers grasp is the green one and immediately his head takes him back to when Sam was sick. The moment he saw Sam wearing his sweater and realised that his friendly feelings turned into something completely different.
He silently curses himself when he starts crying again. A heavy feeling sets, feeling a bit like grief. Maybe grief is exactly what he is feeling because it feels like someone died, like he lost someone without the chance to say goodbye.
Steve appears next to him, carefully peeling the hoodie from Bucky's fingers. Instead he hands him another one, a simple black colour, softly telling him it's okay.
But that's the thing.
It's so far from okay. It doesn't even come close.
Bucky pulls the hoodie over his head to shield his body from the slight cold and lets himself be led to the living room by Steve. Silent tears are still dripping over his cheeks as he takes a seat on the couch with Steve pressed next to him.
''Wanna talk about it?''
By the way Steve asks Bucky can tell he already knows. He didn't knew when he first came in, that's for sure, but he knows now. Maybe he called Sam while Bucky was in the shower when he notices the guestroom was empty.
He doesn't sound judgemental, only worried. Sam probably told him what happened without all the details, maybe even making something up for Bucky's sake. But Steve is no fool, he knew something was going on between them.
''I never got the chance to tell him I loved him.''
Steve hums softly. ''Sam.'' he says. It's not a question, simply a statement.
Bucky closes his eyes in pain as he nods. Suddenly he knows how it feels when your heart breaks at the hands of love. It's a feeling he never wishes upon anyone.
''Don't give up on him so fast, Buck.'' Steve presses a comforting hand against Bucky's lower back. The gesture makes him think about Sam's hand guiding him during the wedding. Every single thing reminds him of Sam.
''He kissed Brian.'' The words feel like cotton inside his mouth.
''Brian kissed Sam.'' Steve points out. It confirms that Sam told him what happened. Irritation flames up inside his stomach because it feels like Steve is defending what Sam did.
''What fucking difference does it make?'' Bucky snaps, wrapping his own arms around his torso. He ignores the shaking in his hands.
Steve visibly searches for the right words to say. ''The difference is a fine line between who initiated the kiss. If Brian was the one to kiss Sam, don't you think Sam would have stopped him eventually?''
He has a point but it makes no difference to Bucky. The image of somebody else kissing Sam is burned inside his brain.
''Eventually. Or not.'' Bucky murmurs, angrily wiping away the tears that keep falling. He's never this emotional so he doesn't know what to do with himself. ''He didn't exactly look like he was pushing Brian away. God knows what would have happened if I hadn't walked in on them.''
Steve shakes his head in disbelief, an angry scowl pulling his eyebrows down. ''Okay, stop. I understand you're upset and hurt, I do, but you're making this so much worse than it is.'' Steve forces Bucky to look at him by taking his hand. ''I can't speak for Sam. I don't know what went down inside his head when Brian stood behind the front door unannounced. But I can imagine he was shocked and overwhelmed. People tend to do weird things when emotions take over.''
''That explains why he showed any interest in me in the first place.'' His voice cracks on the last word and another load of tears spill from his eyes.
''Stop. God, just- Buck.'' Steve looks incredibly pained when he looks at him, squeezing his hand on the edge of painful. ''Please don't talk like that. As if you're not worthy of Sam loving you back, as if he chose to love you on an impulse.''
''Sam doesn't love me.'' Bucky sniffs, suddenly feeling so lonely. Empty. Wrecked. The whole situation made something snap inside him and only a shell of what he once was remains.
Steve shakes his head again. ''But he does. You have no idea how he looks at you. Why do you think I already knew something was going on between the two of you? Sam wears his heart on his sleeve, Bucky, he couldn't deny it even if he wanted to.''
He doesn't answer, not knowing what to say. Insecurity is making him nauseous, his stomach clenching around nothing. The last time he ate was yesterday during work.
''I was the one that put you two together in one hotel room.''
Bucky turns his head to finally look at Steve, disbelief slowly filling him. ''What? Why would you do that?''
His best friend doesn't seem ashamed at the least, a fierce look burning inside his eyes as he answers. ''Because there was not a single doubt in my mind about you two. It was so obvious that you both were yearning for each other but needed a small nudge in the right direction.''
He swallows thickly, angry at the way his voice comes out all weak. ''And now everything is ruined.''
''If there's one thing I learned in my years of loving Tony is that nothing can tear true love apart. I'm sure you guys will work this out.'' Steve answers simply.
''I don't know what to do.'' Bucky confesses quietly.
Steve squeezes his hand again.
''You give it time.''