It had been a couple months at that point that James had been in the tower, but he still didn't feel 100% comfortable with the people he now called his teammates. He could tell that Steve was trying to make him more comfortable, inviting him to spar in the gym with the others, or join in on team movie night, but he always declined. Tony was always insisting to the others that it was a team bonding activity, even though the lounge usually ended up with popcorn all over the floor by the end of the night. Wilson got under Steve's skin too easily these days, knowing exactly what buttons to push to get him flustered. The movie usually got ignored over the full out war that broke out, pieces of popcorn flying as truces were made and broken. James only knew this because he could always hear them enjoying themselves without him. Steve didn't need him anymore.
James wished he could join in on the fun, but he still didn't trust himself enough, no matter that the trigger words had been thoroughly removed from his head, remembering the thorough testing that he had gone through to make sure nothing could set him off and cause him to harm anyone. It didn't stop the nightmares though. The phantom feeling of his metal hand wrapped around necks, guns, knives, to watch the life leave the eyes of his missions, not caring how much blood he spilled. But he knew nothing except those orders, Hydra wiping him and then throwing him on ice until they needed him next.
He knew he wasn't the one to blame, as Hydra had been controlling him, but he still couldn't help but feel that there was no saving him after what he had done. That he wasn't worth the rehabilitation, the new arm, any of it. He was still the man who had killed all of those people, no matter what anyone told him. He didn't want to remember those days of his life, but in the early hours of the morning, there was nothing keeping those memories at bay.
James struggled to remember he was even a human some days, not just a tool made for use, something that could be tossed aside once it had proven purposeful. It- He spent a lot of those days awake, late into the night, thoughts cycling through his head at rapid speeds, keeping him from the peace that was waiting for him if he could just close his eyes. But the threat of something lurking in the shadows just out of his grasp kept him awake, twisting and turning, sheets on the floor by morning, fatigue settling heavy into his bones. He avoided running into any of his teammates on those days, and he spent the first few months of his stay in the tower like a ghost, footfalls light in the corridors, his big bulky frame twisting through tight spaces unnoticed.
But the longer he stayed away from Hydra, the more human he felt, the more emotions he had to categorize, the more sensations, sounds, sights, he had to get used to. He knew that he had been awake for short bursts over the years, but still, nothing prepared him for the New York city streets he had grown up on. He knew that his team was happy to have him, Steve especially, being reunited after 70 years, but he couldn't help but still feel like a burden to those he cared for. He couldn't forget the two weeks it took for Tony to complete his new arm, staying awake that whole time.
He had to assume that Tony had felt guilty for blowing it clean off in Siberia, but James was glad it had been destroyed. His body was no longer tainted with anything tying him to Hydra. He had meant to thank Tony for the arm weeks ago now, but he was sure the man still hated him for leaving him in the cold of Siberia with a broken suit. He had asked Steve to pass on a thanks, but he wasn't surprised that Tony hadn't said a word to him, surely not at all happy about having to house his parent's murderer in his home. He wasn't expecting to get any forgiveness for what he had done to all of them.
He would also catch Romanova giving him pained looks, memories of the Red Room imperceptibly flashing over her features, before returning to the careful nonchalance that she had around him. He wishes he could take those memories away, ease the pain, but that trauma happened to both of them, and if anyone, it was her that he had to avoid the most in the early morning hours in the common room.
He knew he needed to gain favor with these people before they realized that he was really only dragging them down, that they would be better off without him, so he decided to do all he could to make sure that he didn't fall from their graces. He knew there was nothing that he could give Steve, but he already knew that he would do anything for James, if the way he saved him from himself had anything to say. But the others, he wasn't so sure of. So he made sure to leave anonymous gifts in their rooms every so often, making it spontaneous enough to remove any pattern from the gift giving, keeping his identity a secret. He knows he could just tell them, but then they would wonder why the gifts and he would have to tell them all about how he had been feeling for the past months. He would save that for his therapist, thank you very much. Another thing to thank the Avengers for, another thing that he needed to atone for.
It had started with a romantic night out for Natasha and Bruce, keeping stock of anything his teammates mentioned to make sure that he would be able to use it for future gifts. He got Sam a new pair of headphones after his last ones broke, becoming overused on all the runs he went on with Steve. He had also been supplied with an inordinate amount of beanie babies, possibly something that gave James away, but it had come up in conversation once and nothing was out of bounds for his friends. He always got Tony a pair of new sunglasses, or something tech related. He never knew what any of it was, but the workers at Home Hardware and Best Buy sure knew him well enough by now.
He got Bruce similar things to Tony, or supplied him with textbooks and scientific papers, becoming intimate with what the man liked reading and didn't. Natasha always got fashion magazines or something new for her ballet studio. No one could have too many tutus. James made sure that Wanda was always stocked with the coziest clothes, blankets and socks. He had heard her mention how cold it got in the tower one too many times for his liking and didn't want her suffering.
Vision got grooming products mostly, shampoos and conditioners, body washes, and shaving products quickly filling the shelves in their bathroom. Spending so long as a robot(?), (James still wasn't sure as to the specifics of what he was) couldn't have made it easy to be in a human form, so he wanted to make that transition as easily as possible. He at least knew that Vision was using them, as every so often an empty bottle would end up in the trash, only to be replenished by the next day.
Clint was an easy person to find gifts for. He loved anything purple, and James always made sure to include dog treats for Lucky in his gifts. Peter got things similar to Tony and Bruce but he got gifts a lot fewer and further in between. He didn't spend as much time at the tower, still going to high school, but every time he visited, James made sure there was something waiting in Peter's room for him. And it was weeks before the questions came up, wondering where all the gifts came from. James stayed quiet, just continued his practices, having not felt this useful, this human, for a very long time. He didn't want to let that feeling go.
Which is exactly when he was caught in the act. He had bought Peter a new gaming console, something that the kid had mentioned wanting on his twitter, and knew the boy would be descending on the tower within the next couple of hours. What he didn't anticipate was to have Tony came into the room, carrying a suitcase. James had been sure that he had at least another hour to deposit the gift and get out of the room without being detected, but Tony must have gone to get the kid early. And now, James was here, standing in the middle of Peter's room with the large console box in his arms. Well, he had made it this far, no point in hiding anymore, preparing mentally for Tony's negative reaction, and subsequently being removed from the tower with a swift kick, barring him from ever returning.
But that was not the reception he received. Tony only paused for a moment longer before moving around him, depositing the suitcase on the bed and walking back out of the room, patting James' shoulder on the way out with a "Good to see you, Barnes." James stood dumbly still, watching him leave, not entirely sure what had just happened. He deposited the console on Peter's bed as intended before leaving the room, following after Tony.
He wasn't sure what was holding Tony back from immediately kicking him out, but perhaps he was waiting for the rest of them to be in the same area so they could all do it together. He half wanted answers now, but wasn't sure that he could handle being kicked out without being ready so he changed directions back to his room and started getting a bag ready with the small amount of items he had been able to collect since moving to the tower. He knew he wasn't going to be able to keep everything that he had collected, so he would have to pare down and only keep a few of his books, and would be unable to take the phone or laptop in case they decided to track him through them. He had to keep their safety in mind, and knew that his presence would only be a threat, a hindrance to their safety.
But again, his plans were ruined by someone knocking on his door. He wasn't sure whether or not he should answer it, or just sneak through the window before he could be detected, but he heard Steve's voice outside the door, Jarvis confirming his presence behind the door that separated them. He knew he would have less than three seconds if he wanted to hide what he had been doing, but at this point, it was probably better that they saw he was trying to leave seeing as they didn't want him there in the first place. He felt bad for leaving Steve again, but it was clear that the man was happy here, and that James was no longer needed in his life.
"Hey Buck, wanna join us for mo- what are you doing?" Steve opened the door briskly, words falling out of his mouth before his eyes caught up to what was happening in front of him.
"Leaving." He said, leaving his answer short, not wanting to leave any room for an argument, as he knew this conversation would come to. The sooner he could get out, the better.
"Jay, no. You can't just leave. Where would you go?" Steve held up his hands like he was in front of a wild animal, afraid that it would lash out and kill him if he wasn't careful. James wasn't surprised that Steve reacted this way though. He still felt wild, like he was only biding his time until his past caught back up to him and he would have no choice to return to his old ways.
"Anywhere away from here." James moved back to packing his bag, but could hear Steve coming up behind him, and could feel that Steve was moving to place a hand on his shoulder. James moved away before he could, grabbing one of the knives that was laying next to his bag and brandishing it at Steve, moving around the bed until he was a safe distance away. Steve just stared at him, arm still reaching out, like he hadn't expected James to move. James could hear that out in the common room, FRIDAY was informing those in the area of what was happening in his bedroom, and he knew he was losing precious time. He had to get out now, before anyone else could get close enough.
James watched Steve from where he had placed himself in the corner of his room, making sure to curl up as small as possible to reduce the chances of getting hurt in case he was attacked. He could tell his hand was shaking around the knife, but he was past caring at this point. He didn't want to ever leave himself vulnerable like he had been before, before Hydra captured him. He remembered how vulnerable he had left himself even before capture, not telling anyone in the regiment about the fire in his veins, then the ice that had frozen him from the inside out. There was some truth to the name Winter Soldier, even though he never wanted to have that moniker. He knew what it was like to be cold. Alone.
James didn't notice Steve move, too wrapped up in his own thoughts, until he was in front of him. Steve had gotten down on the ground in front of James, legs splaying out on either side of his curled up form. He thought about planting the knife into the ankle closest to him, but Steve must have noticed his thought processes, seeing that he was feeling trapped, before moving a few feet away and shifting to sit criss-crossed. James looked at him warily, wondering what the man's next move would be, but he didn't expect him to start talking about his day. Normally, he would have been forcefully pulled from the floor, kicked and punched until he was docile, and then placed in the chair. He didn't want to go back.
He couldn't tell if he was in danger with his man telling him about what had already happened in his day, if he was waiting until James let his guard down to attack him. James readjusted his grip on the knife, but couldn't help feel soothed by the soft voice and the mundane topics. His previous handlers never talked to him like this, only referring to him as a tool if they ever had to. James wanted to believe he had gotten out of that infernal place, but his mind had tricked him before. But, something about this man made him pause. Despite everything, he got the feeling that he could be trusted.
James started to listen to what the man had to say, and the ma-Steve must have noticed because he stopped talking, instead meeting his eye.
"Jay, are you okay?" Steve asked. James wasn't entirely sure but he would lie until he was blue in the face if it meant Steve didn't have to worry about him. He knew that he was only burdening Steve with his problems, his presence, every time he did this. James knew he wanted to apologize for making Steve deal with him again, but the words were stuck in his throat. Steve took the silence for what it was, and James hoped he heard all the things that James couldn't say. I'm sorry. I'm so tired. I don't want to forget this, forget you. Not again.
"Yeah, I think so. Better." James relaxed his grip on the knife and lowered his arm, not wanting to come across as hostile still when Steve had been so nice to talk him down. Steve was always so nice. James didn't deserve him. Steve came closer, James completely relaxing as Steve rested a hand on his shoulder before pulling him into a hug. No matter how much he didn't want to prove how weak he was, he couldn't stop himself from crying into Steve's shoulder. He had already proven that he didn't deserve to stay here, he might as well soak up the last moments of comfort before he really had to leave.
Steve let him cry into his shoulder, shushing him when he let out a loud sob and running a hand through his hair when his breaths shook. James knew he couldn't stay forever though, safe in the arms of his best friend, knew he would have to leave before he overstayed his welcome, but he knew that he had already done that. He made himself stop crying, knowing that he could always cry later, without an audience. James pulls away from Steve, wiping his hands on his wet cheeks, eyes caught on the large damp spot on Steve's shoulder before he whips around when he hears the door open, the other Avengers filing in. They were here to kick him out for good, most of them probably had been able to hear his breakdown and knew that he no longer belonged on the team. He was too emotionally volatile, if his behaviour earlier was any indication. Come on, Barnes, you know better. You don't pull a knife on a teammate unless you wanna get killed.
He gets up from where he was wrapped around Steve, not meeting eyes with any of them. He sniffled a few times, pulling up his shirt to clean his face, before moving back to his bag. He grabbed the last handful of his things, leaving the knife he had used against Steve on the floor in the corner. He didn't deserve to take it with him.
"No, no, Buck. What are you doing?" Steve said, again, already up on his feet and getting a hand on his bag.
"I gotta leave, Stevie. Can't be here anymore." James said, pulling the bag closer to himself, shrugging it over his shoulders before turning to face the others.
"Oh good, I've been meaning to go out to the shops for the past couple days but I've been too busy. You wouldn't mind if I joined you, right James?" Natasha said, looking directly at him. James just gaped at her, unsure what to say, or even why she was still being so nice to him when he knew the truth. He was even more shocked when more and more avengers spoke up in favour of Natasha's plan.
Wanda wanted chocolate, and Vision wanted to go get his favourite food - grasshopper tacos - to the disgust of everyone else. Bruce mostly wanted fresh air, but wouldn't mind getting a DVD box set he had been eyeing. Tony reminded him that he was in the Avengers Tower and had Friday that could get him anything he wanted. Bruce said there was something different about having the physical DVD's and that was something Friday couldn't give him. Tony jokingly cried out for him to apologize and he did, before turning to Vision and telling him that for a short time his main diet had been bugs, so he didn't really see what problem the others had with the food.
Natasha asked if Peter would be joining them, and Tony responded with a quick "Nah, the kid's gone out patrolling", which received a round of sad awws, which James understood. He liked Peter a lot, even though he rarely got to see him. Natasha then piped up and said she wanted wine and a new magazine, which prompted Sam to speak up about a few books he wanted to get, before he moved over to Natasha's side, trying to figure out the best bookstore that would work for the both of them. Clint only had one request, to be able to take Lucky to a pet store. He claimed it had been too long since Lucky got a new toy, but Bucky knew that was false, having given Lucky a new toy only a week ago.
Tony was 'forced' into going by Rhodey, because he had spent the last couple days hunched over the table in his lab, and "Fresh air won't kill you, Tony". He also wanted to introduce Thor to the wonder that was gnocchi, as Thor had been wanting more and more to try Midgard food, since he was on Earth more often than not. Sometimes Thor got words mixed up, as in his words, "English words were too similar to one another, and it was difficult to remember the nuances of the language", to turn around and bother those that mispronounced an Asgardian word, only for them to sound the exact same, no matter how many times Thor repeated it.
Rhodey simply said he would be going to chaperone everyone else, which earned some stifled laughter, but Tony quickly rebuked him saying, "You know you love us, Sourpatch". With the look on Rhodes's face, James thought Tony had to be right. Rhodey did seem to love the other members.
James was in the middle of a circle of sound, unsure how he had ended up in this position, before it was decided that there had been enough discussion and everyone was ready to leave. Natasha and Wanda locked arms with him and began walking down the hall to the elevator, James absentmindedly matching their pace. He still wasn't entirely sure why they were so adamant about including him in this excursion, when he knew that they all hated him. Perhaps they would abandon him at some point during the day, leave him behind somewhere. He could see that happening, especially since no one had made moves to get him to remove his backpack. He would just have to be prepared to be stranded wherever they decided to leave him behind.
But he never does get left alone, even for a second. James is always walking with one of his teammates. Sam walks next to him, as does Rhodey, but Natasha and Wanda keep his elbow locked with their own when they walk next to him. At one point both of them attach themselves to James and they take up the whole sidewalk. It's only a short while that that lasts before someone on a bike rides past, yelling at them for taking up too much space. James makes sure that he is never in either of their embraces for too long after that, not wanting for them to get yelled at again, but he still finds himself missing the contact.
He is there when Clint gets Lucky some dog treats and a new toy. He is there when Wanda gets her chocolate, and Natasha gets her wine. He is there, even if it takes way too long in Tony's opinion, when Natasha, Sam and Bruce pick out their books. He even managed getting a nice gift for Steve while he was there, a new queer YA book from an author that he knew Steve liked. Bucky hadn't known that Steve was into men at all, but they both were hiding things from each other back then. And after all that had happened to him at the hands of Hydra, he wasn't sure he would ever be able to be with someone in the 'normal' way again.
But if there was anyone he could see himself with in the future, it would be Steve. But he knew that he wasn't even on the man's radar, with the dates he had been on since James returned to himself. He couldn't be surprised with Steve's readiness to get rid of him, with how much he had changed since they had last seen each other. He was nothing like the man he had been before the war, and he understood where Steve was coming from. It doesn't mean that it hurts any less.
The team had moved on from the bookstore after everything had been purchased and put away. James walked down the street to where Tony was leading the team, chattering excitedly about the food he wanted Thor to try. Thor seemed confused, but was excited about it nonetheless. They didn't have to wait long to get to the place Tony had in mind, and James watched as Thor stopped just in the threshold before turning to face the group.
"Take me to the gonorrhea of which you speak, friend Tony." Thor said, too loud in the small store. Steve went bright red, Sam burst into laughter, and Tony leapt forward, covering Thor's mouth with his hands, Rhodey apologizing to the workers. Tony led Thor over to the "Gnocchi, Point Break. Jesus Christ." James looked around the store for a few moments, but didn't see anything he wanted to get for his friends. He realized they would be fine without him impeding and stepped out, moving to the thin alley that was a few doors down. He pulled out a cigarette from the pack that was running dangerously low, and lit it quickly, making a mental note to stop in a convenience store to grab another pack.
He didn't really like smoking, but it was muscle memory from the time before Hydra, and it gave him a few uninterrupted minutes when his mind could go blissfully blank. He hadn't noticed that his disappearance would be worrying until Steve came barreling down the street, a worried look on his face. James watched as Steve let out a deep sigh upon catching sight of him before coming over silently. James offered him the cigarette, and Steve took it, blowing the smoke into the space between them. Some part of him still associated the smell of smoke with Steve, even though he could have never smoked back then, his asthma being too bad. Maybe that's why he still did it, even after all this time. It let him keep a small part of his best friend that he had no right to lay claim to anymore.
The cigarette eventually burnt to the filter, and their moment was over. James followed Steve back to the store, rejoining the group. They had just one stop left, somewhere that Bruce could get his box set of The Bachelor. James knew that Bruce and Natasha both enjoyed watching that show, and Clint sometimes invited himself over to watch it with them. They also sometimes invited Wanda and Vision to watch it with them. James knew that neither of them really understood it, but they still enjoyed it. He had hoped that he would have been invited at some point, but he knew better now. He comforted himself with knowing that they wouldn't have to put up with him for much longer. He would most likely be gone by the evening.
James wandered the aisles of the store briefly, remembering that Sam had mentioned a song that he really wanted to listen to. James wanted to get it for him, as a parting gift, of sorts. He quickly broke off from the group and made his purchase quickly, hiding it away in his bag so that no one could see it. He didn't want to be found out as the gift giver if he could help it, knowing that they probably wouldn't like the gifts as much if they knew it came from him. He rejoined the group just in time to see Bruce buy his box set, and he knew that it was time to return to the tower.
Tony called Happy to come pick them up, none of them wanted to walk after having spent most of the day outside in cold weather, and they were back at the tower within the hour. James followed the rest of them to the common room, and sat on one of the couches, waiting. He expected an almost immediate interrogation. What he didn't expect was Peter to come barreling from his room to Stark, hair still damp from a shower, holding the console that James got him, babbling about how cool it was, and how much he had wanted one. Stark just smirked, eyes trained firmly on James, before telling Peter that he hadn't been the one to get the kid his gift.
Peter looked around, confused, meeting gazes with a few of his teammates, namely Natasha Wanda and Bruce, but received head shakes in return, all of them just as confused as he was to where the gift had come from. Peter finally met his eye, and he just nodded silently. Peter gaped at him, before a large grin graced his features, and he ran over, giving James a big hug, before pulling away and raving about his new gift. James wasn't looking forward to the reaction he was about to receive now that everyone knew it was him.
James hadn't wanted to give away his position so quickly, but he also didn't want to cause more trouble than he was worth. He moved over to Sam and shrugged off his backpack, grabbing the CD that he had purchased. He handed it to Sam, before returning to the couch, not making eye contact with anyone for fear of the judgemental looks he was bound to receive. He placed his backpack next to him on the floor, getting as comfortable as he could before looking up at the Avengers scattered through the room.
James looked around to gauge the reactions of the other members, but only got sly smiles, or just outright grins in return. He should have known that they would have been able to figure out who was doing the secret gift giving, well, not so secret anymore. He was living in a tower of trained spies and superheroes. But then, if that was the case, why did put up with his antics for so long if they had known it was him the whole time? Or had they been laughing behind his back about his attempts of being kind to those that he had wronged so many times?
It made sense to him if they had been. He had done too much to his teammates to deserve any sympathy or friendship. His past continued to define him, despite everything that he had tried to do to remove that stigma. And if he couldn't do it with these people, he doubted he could ever do it. He looked down at his hands, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He definitely didn't want to reveal his weakness in front of the avengers, have them look down on him for not being able to handle his emotions when it mattered most, but before he could get up and escape to his room, Natasha spoke up.
"I definitely didn't know what to think when the first gift arrived outside of our door. I thought it was a prank, or something Bruce had given me, but when I asked him about it, he had no idea what I was talking about." Natasha started, and James watched her, knowing that she would be one of the only ones not to give him what he wants to hear, or what might hurt his feelings the least. Even though she didn't trust him, he trusted her. "I asked around again after each gift, but I either received confused stares, or others trying to claim that I had been the one doing it all along. I tried to let it go and just enjoy them, but I wanted to be able to thank whoever was giving me these mystery gifts, especially since they hadn't revealed their identity to anyone." She paused, as if collecting her thoughts.
"When I knew it was you, I also knew why you were doing this. The red room… takes everything from you, until you don't know who you are anymore. Until the only thing you know is what they tell you. You simply just become a piece of their ever moving puzzle, not even a human anymore. I know I will never understand what you went through, but I know enough. I understand what that place can do to a person." Natasha paused again, clearing her throat.
"After what I experinced, I was desperate to feel like a human again, and I can only imagine that's what you're trying to achieve as well. By doing this, you are trying to make us see that you are human, but you don't need to. We already see you as what you are." Natasha said, voice strong, and full of emotion. James looked at her, and saw himself reflected back in her eyes. She knew him, all the dark, ugly parts that he would much rather forget, and didn't see a monster. Because she herself wasn't one.
"We see a valuable teammate, a strong mind, a soft heart, but most of all, a friend." Natasha said, and James finally could see the truth in the situation. He had been keeping himself away from those he cared about the most because he had been believing the lies that he had been telling himself. He had been telling himself that he was staying away because he was protecting them, but really he had been trying to protect himself from any and all rejection. He no longer had to worry about fully being himself around those he loved, because they already saw him for who he was.
He hadn't noticed the tears streaming down his face until Steve made a soft, hurt sound, coming closer to where he was sitting on the couch and pulling him into a hug. James wrapped his arms around Steve's chest and hid his face into his neck before breaking down fully, sobs wracking his body. He had a momentary panic about breaking down in front of his teammates, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that they would never judge him. He waited until his tears dried, and pulled away from Steve slightly, sniffling. Steve quickly adjusted him until James was tucked into his side, before beckoning everyone else forward. They all gathered around James, before pulling him up away from Steve and into a group hug.
James knew he would never be cold again, based solely on the fact of how warm he was, wrapped around his teammates, his friends, his family.