Bucky was tired. He was always living in Steve’s shadow, and now he was in Sam’s shadow. Why was he always living in the shadows? It’s like the light always hid from him, shining anywhere but at him. There was no doubt he had a rough life and now, when things were supposed to be better, they were worse. Sometimes he missed being a mindless robot, not dealing with depression or panic attacks. Somehow, being Captain America’s boyfriend had made things even more difficult for him. Bucky had a hard time with the media, constantly judging and criticizing his every move. After years of having murders go unnoticed, he believed the universe was getting revenge with headlines like “THE WINTER SOLDER WASTES FOOD WHILE CHILDREN STARVE” when he accidentally dropped a cone of ice-cream.
Recently, it was getting to be too much. Sam knew this. He always knew. That’s why he decided to attend a media event in the afternoon, alone. Bucky thrived on alone time and Sam hoped a peaceful afternoon to himself would freshen him enough for at least two days. Oh, what Sam would give for two days without Bucky crying and sobbing inconsolably at the smallest trigger. Just two days where Bucky would smile, crack jokes like he used to or at least take a shower. Just two days without depression sinking Bucky like the Titanic and all he can do is watch his boyfriend shatter.
Bucky tried, he really did. He put on some lively songs he used to listen to in the 40s and danced around the kitchen like he did on some of his better days. It was no use though. His mind would not shut up and he soon found himself listening to this broken heart playlist while he cuddled Alpine on the couch. He put on some comedy videos to distract himself, but ended up zoning out and listing all the things that were wrong with him. And boy did he have a long list. Almost as long as a PTA mom shopping for a bake sale. Finally, he made himself get out of the couch and do some meal prep he had been wanting to get done.
So there he was, in his kitchen island, chopping onions. His thoughts drifted while he chopped, thinking about how much easier it would be to just not exist. Just a few months of coma until all of this passes over. But the thing is, it never passes over. Not until he’s still breathing. Maybe it was easier if he was dead. He wouldn’t have to listen to the media, to anyone telling him how horrible it is. Bucky glanced down at the sharp knife when a dark idea passed his mind. It would be so fucking easy. Sam wasn’t there. All he had to do was make one cut and all of this would be over. No more pain.
Before moving the knife or his hand, he couldn’t help but think about the after effects. Who would be at his funeral? Would Sam take care of Alpine? Sam. He froze when Sam crossed his mind. He could picture Sam, not too fond of the media either, coming home after the long press conference, just needing to relax. He would open the door to find Bucky in a pool of blood in their kitchen. The look of absolute horror on Sam’s face and the devastation he would feel at losing someone he loves so dearly and fights for on the daily. Sam crying, begging for Bucky to wake up so they could have a long and happy life that Bucky took away from them.
He had a million reasons to end it but he only needs one to keep going. Realizing he found that reason, he put the knife down. Bucky put away the semi chopped onions and decided that he had to give life another shot, for Sam. He put on FRIENDS and waited for Sam to come back, trying to distract himself from the horrible thoughts he had just had. Thankfully, in half an hour, Sam returned and Bucky pulled him onto the couch and laid down on his lap. Sam held him close, knowing something was off but not pushing. They eventually fell asleep, whispering love confessions.
Bucky gave life a shot. It got better, then worse, then better again. Everytime the idea of ending it came to mind, it would be accompanied by Sam’s grief and the idea faded quickly. They weren’t always happy, but they were together and they were alive. Sure, there were still bad days but still chose to live through them, with the person he loved the most.