“It’s easy to say you know a person. Once you know someone’s ambitions, their moral compass, their greatest fears… you think you know the person themself. I’m here to tell you that you’re absolutely wrong. To really know a person, you gotta find what really throws them off. You gotta see them at their absolute worst. You may be thinking: ‘but what if I wanna see the good in people’. And honestly, go for it. See the good in people. But you don’t truly know them until you see the bad. Not until you see exactly what they can be capable of.
Now, I don’t expect you to take my advice. I’m the one talking to imaginary readers, after all. Not that you’re imaginary, everyone just seems to think you are. But anyway, just think on it, willya? My name’s Wade, by the way. Wade Wilson. I’m better known as Deadpool. Merc with a mouth. Whatever you wanna call me, I’m pretty open to anything. I’m an open guy. Anyway, I’ll be your guide. Through insanity, that is.
So, the question arises. Why exactly am I doing this? The answer’s pretty simple. Being absolutely batshit crazy is harder than it looks. Honestly, they should make handbooks on the thing. Youtube tutorials, or something. Really, I’m just being a good person right now. Helping out the community, all that shit.
In any case, insanity is quite simple once you get the hang of it. In my personal experience, there are five stages to it. It’s a bit like the five stages of grief, just a bit more life threatening. First up is loss. You gotta lose something in order to have a tragic backstory that somewhat explains your actions. It could be someone’s death, a lack of something as a child… In my case, I lost my humanity. Which is, y’know, always fun.
Afterwards, it’s the aftermath of the loss, which usually consists of a downward spiral. Depressive episodes, nightmares, mental breakdowns… This is sort of the breaking point. It’s during this stage that you accidentally do something out of rage, and realize that maybe that’s what you gotta do. You keep doing it, and you just can’t stop.
After that, there’s the breakdown. It’s a turning point, sort of. A crossroads. Everything comes to a climax, and there’s a split second type of thing. You’ve reached your limit, you finally broke. Usually, this is followed by something good happening.
The next stage is probably the worst. I like to call it the calm before the storm. You’ve found someone, it’s easier to control your actions, you’ve toned down a bit.
Then they die. Or leave. Or in a case where there was no person, something happens to break the calm. That’s stage five. That’s when you truly lose yourself, and there’s really no turning back. There’s no getting better. Well, that’s what everyone thinks. The truth is, while there may be no turning back, it’s possible to get better. You just gotta find the right solution. Something like a family. Those always help.
By ‘get better’, I don’t mean psychiatric help, or a sense of normalcy. Far from that, actually.
Things are just maybe a bit better. That’s all anyone can really ask for, isn’t it?”
“Wade, who the fuck are you talking to?”
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Wade’s life was far from normal. He wasn’t an immortal mercenary - not yet - but he still didn’t have what one would call a typical life. He was a merc before the turning immortal thing, after all. He had a tragic backstory, a carefree attitude, a very dangerous job… the whole package deal. He was also a hypersexual maniac. You’d think that’s not important to the story, but it is, actually. Like, half of Wade’s sense of humor is crude sexual jokes. Besides, that little aspect was a big part of his relationship with Vanessa.
Vanessa. Vanessa was fucking awesome. She was like, literally the woman of Wade’s dreams. God, she was perfect. Honestly, he could go on and on all day about Vanessa. He has, actually. With Weasel on the receiving end of it. Weasel had fallen asleep halfway through, which is surprising. Not many people make it to halfway.
Anyway, point is, Wade loved Vanessa. A lot. The two were settling down, even planning to get married. Life was good
Then Wade got diagnosed with cancer, and everything went to shit. You know, the way it usually does. He was stupid to have thought that maybe he’d finally have a chance at a normal, happy life. Right when he was just about to get it, he got fucking cancer. Man, fuck cancer. He couldn’t stand living knowing that one of these days may be his last. It was as though he was living on borrowed time. It fucking sucked.
Mostly, he felt horrible because things had been going so well with Vanessa. She didn’t deserve someone who might fall over and die any second.
That’s why he immediately accepted the invite to superhero camp. Even though it sounded shady as fuck, it was the only chance he had. And fuck it, why not? I mean, honestly, would you give up a chance to get super awesome abilities and also not die while you’re at it. He jumped at the chance. Of course, Wade didn’t really think it through, as per usual, and he got stuck somewhere horrible. Definitely not superhero camp. It was pure torture.
He still managed to keep his sense of humor, somehow. Even when they tried to beat it out of him, he’d still smirk and make some sexual innuendo. That’s something they’d never take from Wade, not even over his dead body.
It was horrible, but he endured it. For Vanessa, he told himself. At some point, he started to wonder if it was really for himself.
But when they took away his looks, that broke Wade. It was stupid, enduring all that just for something so silly to hurt like that. But it hurt, it really did. Would Vanessa like him anymore? Would anyone? What the hell was he supposed to do now?
It was a goddamn nightmare, really, it was. He was immortal now, and could break the fourth wall, and was overall kickass, but he looked like a boiled avocado. You win some, you lose a lot. Fucking Francis. Wade would kill him, really, he would.
But Francis knew a way to put him back to normal. That’s what he’d said. And if he knew something, Wade would beat it out of him. Then probably kill him. Very slowly.
Good plan, Wade.
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“That was probably the first stage in this story. I got what I wanted, an end to the cancer, but what else had I gotten with that? Fucked up skin and no sense of humanity, that’s what. It was a bit hard to adjust to. Not just the whole not being hot anymore thing, but the part where I didn’t even feel like a person. Cause you know, I’m immortal, so it’s kinda hard to feel human.
I should probably clarify a few things about this stage. See, I did lose something, but I gained something too. That’s a pretty big part most people neglect to mention. Whether you like it or not, you gain something, and it sort of sticks with you. It’s a bit hard to shake off too.
This works in different cases too. I mean, you could gain insight, or you could gain perspective. While these are usually considered good things, they aren’t always. It’s a bit like immortality in that sense. Everyone wants to be immortal until they really are. After that, you realize it sucks a little. It works the same way with the insight example. It could hurt you, or it could lead you astray. I’m not saying it’s best not to know everything, I’m saying it’s best to have an unskewed point of view.
The whole prospect of gaining perspective is a bit dumb, really. It’s your perspective that matters to you, and that’s final. You’re not looking through someone else’s eyes, you’re trying to read them. Reminds me of those 12 year olds that make personality quizzes. ‘What Disney Princess are you?’... Seriously, shut the fuck up. Whose bright idea was it to let kids onto the Internet, seriously?
Anyways, gaining things can sometimes be worse than the losing part. That’s kinda poetic, actually. I should get into poetry, goddamn.
But really, this part is very important to the whole process. I mean, no one goes insane without a reason. Well, I guess some people do, but those guys probably have a worse moral compass than me, which is a huge red flag.
It’s sort of a stepping stone. There are crossroads after this. You can decide to suck it up and deal with it, you can choose to run away and become an alcoholic, or you can go look for revenge. I was sort of set between options 2 and 3, but 3 just sounded so much more satisfying. So, I began making my costume. And Deadpool was born.”
————————————————————————
There was more loss later. He’d lost Vanessa too. She wasn’t dead or anything, she just thought Wade had left her. And in her defense, he kinda did. He didn’t exactly tell her he was fucking off to superhero camp. And when he’d gotten back, he couldn’t muster up the courage to go talk to her. She was better off without him anyway.
That’s what he told himself. It was a small comfort, but a comfort anyway.
He knew it wasn’t true.
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“You see, Vanessa hates when people try to make decisions for her. She’s the one who decides what’s best for her, not anyone else. If she thinks she’d be better off a certain way, she’ll go that way. Nothing would stop her. It was probably what made me fall in love with her. Among her other very attractive features.
I was just trying to save myself from going off the deep end by telling myself that. Although, that didn’t really work out, cause I was already way off the deep end. I guess it was sort of a denial phase. I didn’t want to accept it, so I didn’t. Just gonna come right out and say it, that’s not a good strategy. You might think it is, but it’s not. Running from your problems is a horrible idea. I realized that pretty quickly, and so I started running towards my problems instead.
I started going after Francis, killing people, making a name for myself. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was still running away. It was a confrontation I was ultimately afraid of. So I avoided it. I convinced myself I’d started running towards em, and I was, in a way. But not entirely. I was still running, I’d never stop running. That’s what I thought for the longest time. Sometimes, it’s best to stop running. Start walking, maybe. Maybe speed walking. Jogging, even. Just, you know, not running.
For a maniac, I think I give pretty good advice. It’s a personal opinion, I suppose, and it may be a bit egotistical, but I really think I do. Sometimes, you have to make something sound absolutely crazy for it to really make sense.”
————————————————————————
Wade was spiraling. Badly. He’d always been a merc, but never like this. He’d never felt this way killing people. He was still no closer to finding Francis though. Every step he took forward, he’d take three back. Francis was always ahead of him. That pissed Wade off to no end.
So, he kept going. He kept killing, kept questioning people. He’d find Francis, he’d find a way to fix himself. He had to. He couldn’t just give up. And sure, maybe he enjoyed it a little. Okay, a lot. Killing the people who he knew were a part of that entire thing, the people who took part in the torture Wade and many others took part in.
It made him feel good, knowing they’d never be able to do that to anyone again. They were weak enough, but holy shit were they tough to crack. None of them gave Francis up. Honestly, he had to admire their loyalty. It was probably hard to be loyal to a shitty person like that. How much was Francis paying them, anyway? Were they just as insane as Francis?
Lots of unanswered questions. Wade didn’t particularly care for answers, not really. But you can’t help but wonder about these types of things. It’s in his nature, he supposed. Wondering about things.
He was pretty vocal about his thoughts. People hated that. He’d talk all while beating the absolute shit out of someone, subjecting them to an inferno of sex jokes. They really, really did not like that. He’d been dubbed the Merc with a Mouth. Pretty good reputation to live by, honestly.
The name Deadpool spread rather quickly. People even told stories about him. ‘Don’t litter, or Deadpool will come for you’. That type of shit. Jesus, Wade wasn’t fucking Batman. He wouldn’t kill someone for littering, for god’s sake.
But with criminals, his name struck fear into their minds. Everyone knew about the gruesome ways he’d killed and interrogated criminals, all while telling jokes. All with a smile on his face. It was rather terrifying, Wade admitted. He couldn’t help it though, really, he couldn’t. He was just a bit off his rocker, that’s all. That wasn’t so bad.
He’d tried to kill himself a few times. Not because he was suicidal, just to test his limits. He came back to life every time. It got a bit annoying eventually. Sure, it was fun, surprising the shit outta people when they thought he was finally dead. But he honestly wished he’d die sometimes. He just couldn’t.
He really wasn’t doing good. He was doing horrible, actually. Really fucking horrible. Not that he’d ever admit it. You’d ask him, and he’d beam and say he was living the life. If ‘the life’ was rooming with some equally insane blind lady and killing people on a daily basis, then sure, he was living the life.
Most people didn’t consider that ‘the life’ though. For the first time, most people included Wade.
————————————————————————
“Yeah, so that’s stage two. Very fun stage, 10/10 recommend. That’s a joke, I hate this stage. I hate all the stages, honestly. Except maybe stage 3. It’s pretty refreshing. So yeah, I’m spiraling, I’m doing absolutely horrible mentally, I’m fighting constantly, everything’s pretty bad. Life is pretty bad.
That’s pretty much the gist of things so far. Everything is going to shit, once again. But hey, at least I’m having fun. Most days.
There’s bad days, obviously. Everyone has bad days, but mine are particularly horrible. I feel so shitty those days, I can’t even muster the energy to go out and fight bad guys. It sucks, cause that’s really the only coping mechanism I have left. Not very healthy, but neither is being immortal, I guess.”
————————————————————————
Wade had found out Francis was holding Vanessa hostage. Oh, that made his blood fucking boil. How dare Francis do that to him? He’d taken everything from Wade, he wouldn’t take Vanessa too.
At least Wade had finally found him. And now, he had more people on his side. He had Colossus, which was always beneficial, and the teenage version of Gerard Way. Negasonic Teenage Warhead is what she was called. Fucking awesome name, in Wade’s personal opinion. Really strikes fear into people. Just by the name, she sounds like she’d chop a guy’s dick off. Kickass.
They’d fought together, kicked some ass, got their ass kicked a bit. It was a mutual thing. Satisfaction for both parties. The good stuff. It was a pretty awesome fight scene, in all honesty. At least, Yellow seemed to think so. White thought it was highly dangerous and irresponsible. Buzzkill.
————————————————————————
“Right, I should probably clear a few things up. White and Yellow are what lots of people call voices in my head. However, that is absolutely wrong. Yellow is my conscience, basically. White is the author. He’s basically the rational side telling me what I’m doing is stupid, but that’s the way he wrote me. Consequences of your own actions, I guess.
Sometimes, I honestly wonder if you guys are actually real or not. Maybe I’m more insane than I thought, and this whole fourth wall thing is just a bunch of bullshit. I’m like, 99 percent sure that’s not the case though. You guys seem real enough. From what I’ve gathered, anyway.
But yeah, White and Yellow aren’t just voices in my head. They’re the box colors! Y’know, my little dialogue boxes. That’s them, good old White and Yellow.
The two argue a lot. They usually have very opposing views. It makes sense, but it gets a bit annoying sometimes. Listening to them argue can be fun but also really exhausting. Not that I’m their mediator or anything. I’m more of an observer with the occasional helpful feedback. I like to call it helpful. It’s not really.
God, I really hope the fourth wall thing isn’t just bullshit. It’d be kinda weird, if I was just talking to myself this whole time.”
————————————————————————
Francis had lied. There wasn’t actually any way to bring Wade back to normal. He had just said that for the hell of it. What a fucking dick. He’d given Wade all that false hope for so long, just for it to all turn out to be some lie made to ridicule him. It felt horrible.
Wade forced himself to keep it together.
Colossus started spouting some bullshit about how he didn’t have to kill Francis. Like hell he’d let the guy live. He didn’t deserve it.
Wade shot a bullet straight through Francis’ head. He felt a bit better afterwards.
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“And… there’s stage 3. You know, the breakdown, the climactic moment. See, this part doesn’t always involve a literal mental breakdown. I mean, it mostly does, but it didn’t in this case. No, in this case, I just sort of snapped. When you watch my movie (still hard to believe I got a whole movie), you think this is a sort of happy ending. I kill Francis, go off with Vanessa, life is good.
You’d be totally wrong. When I killed Francis, I killed my last hope at going back to normal. I was forever gonna be Deadpool. But the thing is, it’s not that that’s a bad thing. No, the breakdown stage isn’t always bad. It’s a stage of realization. It’s the part when you truly understand yourself, and sometimes it just turns out horribly.
Sometimes, you don’t wanna understand yourself. Or maybe, you don’t wanna be what you found out you are. It differs. But you accept it eventually. Sometimes, you even accept it immediately. That’s what I did. I accepted Deadpool with no problem, because Deadpool was a part of me. I’d always been Deadpool, he’d just finally come out now.
Jesus, look at me go again. Being all poetic and shit. Fucking hell, y’all got me sentimental. You broke me, that’s it, I’ll never be the same again. God, I’m emotional. I think I’m tearing up. Hold on, we’ll be right back.”
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————————————————————————
“Alright, we’re back. Sorry bout that, had to go cry for a bit. I’m back and better than ever, though!
Unfortunately, I’m not sponsored by Geico, although that would be totally awesome. I’m not sponsored by anything, actually. That’s kinda sad, honestly. I mean, I bet Wolverine got sponsored by like, Nike, or something. He seems like a Nike typa dude.
Life isn’t fair, I guess. Especially mine. Being the only one who knows we’re a literal comic/movie franchise gets a bit depressive. Oh well. Anyway, I should probably get back to, you know, the guide to insanity. That’s what you’re watching for, not my tangents. At least, I think so. Maybe you actually like listening to me go off track and rant. That’s unlikely, but it’s possible. At this point, I’m just waiting to get a fanbase. Deadpoolers. Wadinators. I’ll figure it out.”
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After killing Francis, his life was seemingly getting a bit better. I mean, he got Vanessa back, she’d accepted him for who he was, he’d even gone international! Taking out crime all over the place. He was even better known than he’d been before.
That’s saying a lot, by the way, since Wade was quite literally an urban legend.
They were planning on having kids. Wade’s gotta be honest, that was the best thing that's happened to him yet. He was a bit worried, obviously, because it’d be a bit hard on the kid to have an immortal father who doubles as a merc.
But they’d learn to deal with it. They’d adapt, he’d spend more time with his family. It was looking to work out great.
For the first time since the diagnosis, things were going good.
A little too good.
It had been stupid, to expect that things could possibly just be going right. It was like the world was toying with him, giving him something to live for just to take it away. In Wade’s personal opinion, that was the greatest torture of all.
It was a bit ironic, really. They were discussing their future, and boom, she gets shot. What kind of poetic bullshit is that?
Now, obviously, this wasn’t Wade’s fault. How was he to know this was going to happen? And yet, he still blamed himself. If he’d done better, if he hadn’t lowered his guard, it never would’ve happened. If he’d managed to take the bullet for her… He may not have pulled the trigger, but he might as well have.
For the first time since killing Francis, Wade tried to kill himself again.
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“So, stage 4 and 5, all put into one event. Goddamn, what a journey. But hey, we’re almost at the end. You just gotta stay with me a little longer.
See, the thing is, stages are usually separate. But sometimes, it happens so quickly, you just gotta group em together. The happiness and the end of that happiness sort of are the same, in a way. I mean, when you’re happy, it’s gonna come to an end, and you know it. Especially if you’re me. It’s still hard to accept though.
Maybe it isn’t even happiness. Just… denial. You never wanna admit something good is gonna end, you just want it to keep going. If you’re lucky, you get a bittersweet ending. I’m pretty sure we’ve already clarified I’m not a lucky person. Seriously, my luck is horrible. I gotta get some tips from Domino.
Right, Domino. She’s a part of the aftermath. The aftermath is good, I like the aftermath. It took a lot to get to it, but I finally found my family. I always thought I’d have a family with Vanessa. I guess I thought wrong.
Things happen, just not in the way you expect them to. Maybe not in the way you wanted them to. But they happen, and that’s just how life’s gonna go. Sometimes, the outcome is better than the expectation.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over Vanessa, not really. Even though I’m immortal. But, she’d want this for me. She’d be proud.
I’m gonna make her proud.
…
Right, well, that’s a wrap, folks. Hope this helped in literally any way. I don’t think it did, but we can always hope. Alright, yeah, you can cut the cameras.”