Give up
"Thank you, mother," he said as he gave her his empty tray, struggling to contain the tears threatening to leave his eyes.
He didn’t know why he wanted to cry, but he knew it had to do with the way Frigga had smiled at him. It wasn’t sadness in chest for once, though. No, he noticed he was just… grateful for this moment, for being able to spend a few more hours with her even if it hurt. He wanted to remember his mother this way: happy, hopeful, proud.
That’s the image of her he wanted etched on his mind as he took his last breath.
He wiped away the few tears that escaped him and walked towards the window.
It was a sunny day; the birds were chirping in the distance and everything was… peaceful. He couldn’t believe that after centuries of worry and racing thoughts everything had gone finally quiet inside his head. It was as if everything had gone numb the moment he decided to end it, to give up on his life and he found it incredibly blissful.
He had been dutifully playing the part of the recovering patient for days, biding his time. But, as he stared at the summer landscape in front of him, playing that part didn't seem like that much of a chore anymore. Part of him, even if small, wondered if maybe he could actually become that person; actually heal.
But he refused to listen to that other tiny voice. No, his mind was made up; he would no longer be a burden to anyone around him. He would no longer disgrace Asgard with his presence, he would no longer be the cause of suffering to his mother. He’d free her from the regret and guilt he saw so clearly in her eyes every time she looked at him. He’d free Thor of catering to his annoying little brother; he would no longer be a disappointment to Odin. He’d do them all a favor.
And he’d finally let go of everything.
Of the rage that still simmered deep inside of him, of the resentment towards Thor and his non-parents, of the words of everyone who had ever rejected him. He’d also be free.
Maybe that was why he felt so content, why he had conversed so amiably with his mother that morning, why he had welcomed Thor and talked without bitterness or resentment.
There were words to be said and conflicts to be had with both of them, he knew that. Both had actually tried to breach the subject, to apologize, to open up about their own feelings and regret. But he had shut them down, claiming they would talk about it later. He no longer had the energy or willpower to confront them; fighting them would only have a purpose if he were planning to stay and fix the problems between them. Which he didn’t.
So, he didn’t tell Thor of all the pain he endured being the shadow of Asgard’s golden child; he didn’t tell his mother about how his skin prickled every time he thought about the fact that he was Jotun. He didn’t tell them that he loved them and hated them at the same time.
Instead, he allowed himself to remember all the good times. All the moments in which he had felt like he belonged, like his family was the shield he had against the pains of living. He smiled and actually ate something, and even gave Thor advice in the matters of the court.
He saw them smile and hug him with hopeful tears glistening in their eyes, and Loki would’ve felt a little bad for lying to them if it weren’t because he knew he was doing them a favor.
Maybe they could remember him like this, if they ever did.
“Love, Eir needs me to go check on your father. It seems urgent, I’ll send a servant in for a little while. Will you be alright?” Frigga said, taking Loki out of his thoughts.
“Of course, mother. Go hastily, let me know how he fares,” Loki said and held one of his mother’s hands.
“But please don’t send a servant in. I feel uneasy around strangers,” he added right as Frigga was reaching the door.
She turned around to see him. She wasn’t sure about leaving Loki alone in his chambers, he could block them again or try to hurt himself, but… he was in high spirits and seemed to be doing so much better these days. She figured it would be a good way to show him she trusted and respected him.
“Alright, I will be back soon love,” she said hesitantly.
“I love you,” Loki whispered as he saw her walk away and close the door, unshed tears glistening in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he added and vanished into thin air.
----------------------***********-------------------------
“My King, the convoy returned gravely injured again, the Jotun refuse to listen,” Ulf said.
Thor sighed and wondered (for the umpteenth time in the past few weeks) why he had ever thought that being king would be a joyful or easy task. There was no glory in the title, only responsibility and duty, both things Thor had never been too fond of.
A vain, greedy, cruel boy, that’s what his father had called him; and Thor, now more than ever, knew that he had been right. It didn’t help that he royally sucked at being king. Loki was the smart one, the one with the words and the strategies, and without him… well, Thor didn’t exactly know what to say, what decisions to make.
He now realized that he had only made it this far because of his brother; because of the voice of reason he brought to the situation. How many times had Loki saved them all? How many times had Thor basked in the praise of Asgard for feats he could’ve never achieved on his own? He could not counted but he imagined it’d be many.
Only Loki could not save him now; he was on his own and failing terribly at fixing the mess he had created for Asgard due to his arrogance and ignorance.
“Have we had any casualties?” Fandral asked, and Thor silently thanked him for taking over while he mulled over his own mistakes. He turned to look at Sif, Hogun and Volstagg, looking for reassurance, which he got when they gave him a small smile.
He knew there was a lot he needed to discuss with them about their treatment of his brother, but for now he needed them, he needed his friends (or anyone really) to be there for him as he tried to rule a kingdom on the brink of war.
“No, only injured soldiers,” Ulf replied, then added, “but they have also attacked us three times in the past week. We’ve been able to fend them off without any deaths, but it won’t last long. We must find a hast solution, my king”
“We must attack,” Ivor, one of the more hot-headed officials suddenly said; and just like that, and much to Thor’s annoyance, the whole room erupted into chaos. Some councilmen were firmly against the proposition, while others supported it fervently.
“Silence!” Thor said, trying to muster as much authority as his tired brain allowed him. The room went quiet.
“My king, every day that passes Asgard is more at danger, we must take matters into our hands and attack them back,” Ivor insisted.
“And fully start another war? Are you mad? At the present time we’re only quarreling. If we attack them too, it’s officially war,” Ulf debated.
Thor turned to look at Sif who seemed as conflicted and unsure as he felt. He sighed again, there was probably no right course of action in this circumstance; it was a losing battle. One way or another Asgard would suffer, and he’d be the one to blame. But he had to think, try to learn from his mistakes and take the kind of decision his father and brother would be proud of him for.
“You are both right,” Thor started, but, before he could get another word in, his mother came rushing through the doors without the decorum and propriety that would be fitting to the Queen of Asgard, which told him something was really wrong and made his stomach churn.
“Thor! Your brother, Thor. Oh Norns!” she said as she approached the throne.
“Everyone, out now,” he said with a commanding voice, trying to calm down the fear feasting in his chest as they all walked out.
“Mother, what is it? What happened?” he asked, moving from the throne to face his mother.
“He’s gone, Thor. Loki is gone and I fear the worst. I have this feeling in my heart that I won’t see him again. He-he planned this. He tricked me into believing Eir needed me, he made me leave the room so he could vanish. It’s so premeditated that I… I fear he will do something brass,” she said with a desperate tone, tears streaming down her blue eyes.
“He is still recovering; his magic is not at its fullest, my King. I believe he couldn’t have gone far in his state; moreover, the queen was out of the room for no more than 20 minutes, we can find him,” Eir said as she rushed towards the throne, running.
“Then we shall find him. Guards!” Thor said solemnly.
“Call for the warriors three and Sif, they will join me. Order every single Einherjar in the palace to look for Prince Loki. Send a group of soldiers to look for him outside of the palace and into the mountains, it is an urgent matter,” Thor said, fire in his eyes.
“Let us go,” he said to his mother as he rushed towards the door.
Maybe it was selfish to focus on his brother while Asgard was at risk, but he couldn’t afford to lose him, he would not fail Loki once again. Never again. He would go to the end of the world if needed be, but he would never give up on Loki; he would never allow Loki to give up on himself.