Shattering
Do you know what it feels like to witness a loved one shattering? To stand in front of their sorrow and despair knowing you don’t have the power to change anything. To see them drown when your hands are tied, and you have no way to help them.
Thor never thought he would come to understand what that feels like.
He never thought he’d have to stand in the middle of a wrecked room and see his brother’s thin and frail body being taken away, his life almost slipping away from him.
But life has its wicked ways and Thor never really knew Loki.
Never understood him.
Not until he stood among shards of glass, blood and ripped paper and was forced to truly see; to face the remnants of Loki’s desperation and feel the rawness of his pain that echoed in every overturned chair, in each piece of broken wood and metal.
He had never known.
Never bothered to see.
Not until he inspected one of the papers on the floor and read the words written in it, clear and blunt in his brother’s calligraphy.
Monster
Weakling
Liar
Unworthy
There were seas of paper scribbled with the same words over and over. A testimony to what Loki really thought of himself. A revelation of what probably had always laid behind his cold gaze and silent steps.
And then more pages with long paragraphs: poems and stories and diary entries all of which told the bitter story of a young god who had only ever wanted to be accepted and loved but found himself misunderstood by everybody.
Thor knew the words in the papers were never meant to see the light of day. He knew it was wrong to read them. There was guilt spreading all through his veins at violating his brother’s privacy.
He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop. Because each page he read told him more and more of all the ways Asgard had failed Loki, all the ways he had failed his brother. They had always seen the worst in the God of Mischief, hadn’t they?
Everywhere he went, Loki was met with rejection and distrust; and the young god had suffered greatly for it. Moreover, he had suffered alone because no one had bothered to see beyond the cold-hearted façade he had put up to protect himself. Because no one had cared.
Because Thor hadn’t cared, oblivious to the suffering of his own family because of his own arrogance.
Suddenly, Loki’s words when he handed Gugnir made sense.
“I only ever wanted to be your equal, but it doesn't matter anymore."
Yes, learning about his heritage wasn’t what broke Loki. No, Loki had been broken for many many years, Asgard had made sure of it. His present situation only made him give up, made him stop trying to gain the validation he desperately wanted because he now knew he would never be able to get it. Loki hadn’t changed, he had just stopped trying to conceal how much he really was hurting. And wasn’t it awful, that this was what it had taken for them to see him for who he was?
Thor felt his thick, heavy tears fall into the ground below him and allowed himself, if only for a moment, to cry, to weep for his brother. For the truth that now crushed him, a truth so unraveling, so crude and painful that could shake even the God of Thunder.
Thor closed his eyes and idly wished he could continue to deny it all, to keep justifying Loki’s isolation and bitterness to his natural disposition.
But he knew he couldn’t anymore.
He wouldn’t. He would never sit idle again while his brother suffered in silence, not now that he could see, clear as water, the sheer desperation that had always hunted Loki.
He understood now, and Norns, he wished he could re-do it all.
To keep Loki from gaining these burdens.
To keep himself from failing him as a brother, he – who was supposed to protect him.
But Thor wasn’t almighty and couldn’t fix a life of regrets. No one could.
So, he just stood still for what seemed like eons and felt the weight of having his hands tied, of being unable to keep the one he loved from hurting.
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“How is he?” Frigga asked Eir with worried eyes as she entered her son’s chamber in the healing halls.
It had already been a few hours since they had managed to open Loki’s door, and Frigga had to admit that she had done nothing more than pace outside the healing chambers the whole time.
She was just so worried. It had been devastating to see Loki’s pale and thin body being carried outside, completely unconscious. And it had been even more heart-wrenching, to get a peek of the red and pink lines across her youngest son’s arms.
She couldn’t help the weight crushing her insides. The last time she had seen Loki that… vulnerable, he had been merely a young boy. It wasn’t fair that he was in that position, the possibility of living a long life jeopardized because of her and Odin’s stupidity. They should’ve never hidden the truth.
“He is stable, my queen,” Eir replied, pulling her out of her thoughts.
“He lost a lot of weight and is very feeble, but I am confident he will recover with the right attention and sustenance. Loki is young and we found him on time, please be at ease that his body will recover,” the head healer replied with a soft smile. Yet, she looked uneasy, as if she wanted to say more.
“Eir, I have known you for years. There is something more you want to say,” the queen said.
“I only… well. My queen, I worry about Loki’s state of mind. His body might be able to heal, but his mind is a different subject. For him to allow himself to come to this point…to completely disregard caring for himself. I am sorry, but I must call it what it is, this was Loki attempting to give up on his life,” she said with a somber tone.
And that was enough to break something inside the All-mother of Asgard.
“I know. I-I know. It’s my fault. We-we should have never kept the truth from him. I failed him as a mother,” Frigga replied in between sobs. She was holding a handkerchief to her face, attempting, unsuccessfully, to muffle the sound of her sobbing.
“Whatever do you mean, my queen?” the healer replied, guiding her queen to sit down.
“He knows Eir. He-he found out when Thor and him went to Jotunheim,” Frigga replied.
“Norns. I suppose this is the reason for his erratic behavior as of late?” Eir questioned.
“Yes. And even though I knew that the altercation between him and the King had been harsh enough to cause the Odinsleep, I still foolishly pushed Loki into being regent. I assumed my reassurance that we still loved him was enough, I thought my son to be unbreakable, and now look at him. I am a horrible mother. How could I have been so blind?” the queen said, still sobbing and holding a hand to her chest. It hurt. It hurt to know how much she had damaged her beloved son.
Eir was shocked. Loki was never supposed to find out. They had taken every precaution, other than the queen and king, Eir was the only other living soul that knew the second prince hadn’t been born of the queen’s womb. But she supposed no one could ever predict the mishaps and tribulations of destiny itself.
“I will not have it. I will not see my sweet boy lose his sanity because of my mistakes. Make him forget, Eir. Erase the memory of his true heritage from him so that he wakes up with a mind free of sorrow,” Frigga suddenly spurted.
“My queen… that is not recommended. That can-” Eir moved to say.
“Just do it, please” Frigga said with red-rimmed pleading eyes.
Eir couldn’t believe what the queen was asking of her. The All-mother was a healer herself, how could she have Eir break one of the basic rules of their profession, they couldn’t take Loki’s autonomy; it was a sin to interfere with someone’s mind without consent.
“My apologies, but I must object. That is medical malpractice, and a sin“ the healer replied, panicked.
“It’s an order Eir. Do not defy me,” the All-mother replied with determination, and Eir felt herself in the middle of a losing battle.
“Do not do what the queen is suggesting, Eir,” a deep voice suddenly said, bringing both women’s attention to the man who had uttered the words.
“Thor. You can’t undo my commands,” Frigga said, standing up.
“I can. Eir you are dismissed. Keep taking care of Loki but leave his mind untouched. That is your King’s command,” Thor said confidently, then as soon as the healer had left the room, he turned to look at his mother. She was clearly seething at the defiance.
“Is that your solution, Mother? You and father lied to Loki his entire life and now you want to cover the truth with more lies. To put a spell on him when he is not even able to defend himself. How is that fair to him? How does that protect him?” Thor said, trying to muster the softest tone he was capable of.
To his surprise, Frigga didn’t reply. She only crumbled and started sobbing into his chest, holding onto his armor like a lifeline. His mother wasn’t a weak woman, she wasn’t the type to cry at every turn. This really had to be too unbearable for her to react this way. This softened Thor’s demeanor.
“I am very sorry, mother. I know you mean well. I know you love Loki, but it isn’t right. We can’t do more damage to him,” he replied, embracing his mother.
“I know. I know. Norns, I don’t know what came over me. I just do not know what to do” Frigga replied, separating from Thor and cleaning her eyes with her handkerchief.
“I know, mother. Well, I don’t think unlearning the truth would help Loki much anyway,” Thor said, turning to take a look at his brother. He was unconscious still, surrounded by the gleam of light of the shield up around him.
“What are you implying, Thor?” his mother asked, much calmer now.
“I mean this,” Thor said as he took a piece of paper from his pocket.
Underneath this skin of mine
lays a monster.
It creeps in the edges of my soul,
and drains me from within,
my weak lacy veins left at its mercy.
It chokes me in the middle of the night,
and keeps me from sleeping,
suffocating me with the truth of my wrongdoings.
And I scream and beg for someone to save me,
to kill the monster.
And they do
but along with it they shatter my heart too.
“Loki wrote this over a decade ago, mother. The date is at the bottom of the page,” he said as he finished reading. Frigga looked shocked and mournful.
“I am afraid this… this melancholy, this pain he carries is not new. I wish it were only the truth of his heritage ailing Loki, but… but it seems he has been suffering in silence for a long time. He was hurt by everyone’s disdain and I-I failed to protect him, to provide him any kind of support,” Thor said with a sad tone.
Frigga didn’t reply, she only continued to cry quietly, and moved to run a hand through his youngest son’s forehead.
“Protecting him wasn’t your duty, Thor. It was mine and your father’s. And we both failed him. This is our guilt to carry,” Frigga replied after a while.
Part of her hoped Thor would sympathize with her, to say something comforting, but instead he stayed in silence. She guessed that even her oldest could see clearly all the ways in which they had failed his brother as parents. The ways she had failed as a mother.
She didn’t deserve that comfort.
This was her burden to carry.
The weight of seeing a loved one shattering; and being the reason for it.