True self
"My King, we have searched every corner of the surrounding areas. I am afraid Prince Loki is not close by. Perhaps it is time to inform the Queen and widen our search," the head of the Einherjar informed him.
Frustration and worry ran through his body. Thor knew Loki couldn't have been abducted. There were no signs of forced entry in any part of the palace and his brother was perfectly capable of defending himself. There was no enemy that would be able to just take Loki without him giving a fight.
No, Loki was hiding. He had done that many times in the past, especially when he got mad at their father. He would disappear for days on end, without letting anyone know about his whereabouts. Then he would come back and claim he had been sick, or away on mage business. Thor had always thought it was a strange habit, but it had never worried him.
Until now. Thor couldn't help but feel concerned about his brother. He had never seen Loki act the way he had the day prior. He had never seen such an open display of emotions from him. It was unsettling and it made him nervous, because something bad had to have happened to make Loki act that way, he was too proud under normal circumstances.
He needed to find Loki and make sure he was alright.
"Yes, we shall. But don't inform the Queen," Thor said.
"Don't inform me of what?" replied Frigga, who had entered the throne room unnoticed.
"It is no matter, mother," he replied. Then he urged the guards to leave. The Queen of Asgard came closer to the throne where Thor sat, holding Gungnir.
"Don't lie to me Thor, I can tell when you do. What is happening?" she asked raising an eyebrow. His mother always knew when something was wrong. He guessed it shouldn't be a surprise anymore. It didn't mean it was pleasant, though.
"Fine. Ahm, I am sorry mother. Loki is missing, nobody has seen him since yesterday," he admitted.
"Missing? Loki is not missing. I can feel his presence, he is on Asgard. He is hiding, though. He does that sometimes… and you know that. So, why do you have soldiers looking for him? Is there something else?" Frigga said. Why was his mother so perceptive all the time?
"I don't know. He seemed unwell when I saw him last. He was almost crying, mother. That is not something he would usually do. He refused to look me in the eye," the God of Thunder answered, "I want to find him to make sure he is alright."
"I see, I did not think it had affected him so, but I suppose I was wrong. Thor, there is something you need to know. Let's go to your chambers," the Queen said, urging Thor to follow her. Thor stood up and followed.
When they reached the chambers Frigga started a lengthy tale about a war, and a Jotun baby abandoned on a frozen rock, and all the reasons to take that baby in and raise him as part of the royal family. Loki. Loki was that baby, and it shocked Thor to the core to find out his little brother was actually adopted.
They stayed in silence for a while.
"So, do you think differently of him now?" Frigga asked, breaking the silence.
"No. He might not be my blood, but he is my brother. Nothing will change that," Thor replied. He realized he actually meant it. It truly didn’t bother him. He didn’t see why it should be a problem.
"What about his heritage?" Frigga asked, looking concerned. She knew how Thor felt about the Jotnar. He had always spoke about them in a crude manner.
"Loki is of Asgard, no matter what kind of blood is running through his veins. He is not like those beasts," Thor replied. Frigga frowned.
"Be careful of how you speak about the Jotun, Thor. It is the race of your brother," Frigga reprimanded. It was good he was open to accept Loki, but it would do no good to belittle Loki’s origins. Thor didn’t answer, but she was relieved when he nodded in acceptance.
"He must be affected by the news. That is why he didn't look like his usual self," Thor said.
"Yes, he only hides when there's something bothering him. Remember when parted ways with Sigyn? He was gone for a month. He thinks I don't know why he does it. But I only allow it because it causes no harm, and we know prodding on him would make it worse. This time might be different, though, we should be careful. He needs space, and we shouldn’t patronize him. But if he doesn’t come back in two days I will scry for him, alright?” Frigga replied.
Thor only nodded and hoped his brother would really be alright. When his mother left, Thor found himself wondering why he wasn’t more upset with the truth.
He didn't understand why, but the fact that Loki was Jotun didn't stir anything inside of him. He should be baffled, upset that he had had an enemy living in his house. That's something he would be expected to feel. Perhaps the events of Midgard had really changed him. Maybe he had been an ungrateful child before. But now, now he knew things were never black and white.
Loki was Loki. Unpredictable, chaotic Loki. Loki was the little boy who used to look up at Thor with big green eyes. There was no race, blood or sire that would change that.
He just wished Loki came back so he could tell him that.
—--****------
It was a truth widely known in Asgard that Lady Sif disliked Loki Odinson. Everyone thought the animosity between them had to do with Prince Loki cutting Sif’s hair a few centuries before. And yes, it had been a rather unpleasant moment for the warrior, and even more for Loki who might or might not have ended up sterile after Sif’s retaliation.
What most Asgardians didn’t know was that that particular event was only one of the reasons why Sif disliked the God of Mischief. Truth was she disliked Loki not only for what he did, or because he was a prankster; but because of something deeply rooted in his being, something that she just found unlikeable. What Sif truly despised about Loki was that he never seemed to be honest. It felt as if he was constantly lying, as if everything was always part of a plot with him.
Sif was good at reading people; she had to be. Being able to see people’s true colors was what kept her alive in the battlefield, and out of it too. She had had to deal with countless men trying to take advantage of her, countless men that thought that just because she didn’t often obtain men’s attention, she was an easy target. Reading through people had helped her keep her standing as a woman and shieldmaiden.
So, it unnerved Sif to no end not being able to read Loki. Loki was impossible to read because he never showed his true intentions or emotions, which always helped him concoct his mischievous plans. But it was more than wearing a mask, more than being a liar.
What Sif truly found unsettling was that Loki’s whole being seemed to be an act. His tone, his posture, his words, it all seemed too manufactured to be real. She had always thought that either Loki was just too good at hiding his true self or maybe he didn’t have a personality at all. Talking with him was strange, he was always full of comments or witty remarks, but they were void of meaning, below his words there was nothing of consequence.
That is why she couldn’t hide her shock when Loki handed Gungnir over to Thor.
For the first time in centuries, she saw Loki’s perfect composure falter. She saw Loki keep his eyes on the ground, a desperate attempt to hide the fact that he was feeling emotional. What he had said had been honest too, his words to Thor had been too raw not to be real. When Loki said it didn’t matter anymore, there was something so pained in his expression that Sif forgot for a moment who the person saying the words was.
For a moment Sif felt she had seen a person in Loki. A real, breathing being with emotions, and problems and a past. But it was so unusual and perplexing that Sif brushed off and concluded she probably was reading too much into the situation. She thought no more of it.
But when she found Loki in the palace gardens three days later, she had to wonder if there was something she had missed.
Loki looked… vulnerable.
He was sitting on a bench, with his hands falling to his sides, slouching slightly. He was looking at the sky, but it seemed as if he wasn’t really looking, as if his thoughts were elsewhere. His lips were slightly parted, and a frown sobered his face. His appearance was also different. His hair wasn’t styled as neatly as usual, and his clothes were simpler. Long gone was the perfect posture, the polished image, the arrogant demeanor.
Sif knew it was probably unwise to approach Loki, but she was intrigued. There was a person beneath the mask, and she felt she needed to know what had brought on such a change.
“Hello, Loki. Are you well?” she tried to greet casually.
Surprisingly enough, Loki startled. It was subtle, but enough for Sif to see. She realized his eyes had been unfocused before. He blinked a couple of times before looking at her.
“Lady Sif, hello. I am well enough, what about you?” Loki replied with a serious expression. He looked at Sif for a moment and then turned his gaze down as if he felt uneasy. He fumbled with the sleeves of his tunic.
It was Sif’s turn to startle. Loki’s reply was too polite, and his tone of voice was deeper than usual. Loki’s expression wasn’t blank, it wasn’t a mask. He looked…gloomy. His eyes were dull, he had circles under them. Somehow his cheeks looked sharper and his jaw was tense.
“I am good. I didn’t see you these past days. Thor’s been worried about you,” Sif said, trying to cover her surprise. Loki looked up again, he didn’t smile, he didn’t try to charm his way out of any situation as he usually did.
“I see. Thank you. I shall inform him I am well,” Loki replied and slowly stood up.
Sif noticed the uncertainty, the shakiness in his every movement. Yes, she had been intrigued by Loki showing any kind of hint of his real self, it had been exciting in a way, proving that no one could pretend forever. But… but this was different. Was this Loki showing his true self, or him feeling… unwell? She didn’t know him enough to know, she wondered if anyone did.
Before leaving, Loki looked up at the sky again and stood pensive for a moment.
“The sky is looking rather gloomy lately, don’t you agree Lady Sif?” Loki asked and sighed.
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just walked away with his gaze on the ground, leaving a very shocked Sif behind. She had to force herself to close her mouth and slumped on the bench. What had she just witnessed?
Sif had always disliked that Loki didn’t show himself. But if this serious, melancholic man was Loki’s true self… well… she didn’t know what to make of it.