Uncomfortably Numb
Fuck, its freezing… my teeth are clacking loudly.
Some things never seem to change
Well, not loud enough to drown the music out.. Wait, isn't this supposed to be a desert? Slowly the world stops feeling like it's spinning out of control.
And every day I stay the same
Enough so where I realize it's not dark here… that cape flipped over me and covered my face. No wonder his scent is overwhelming.
Moonlight swelling through the trees
Cautiously, I reach for the ground, to push myself up, sand fills the gaps between my fingers. Shaking my hands briefly before flipping the cape back over, the bright sunlight blinds me, “Shit!”
It never seems to wane
Saint’s nose nudges my hands pressed over my face, slowing opening them my eyes adjust to the harsh light, only to find an endless expanse of white sand. Dotting the land are large lumps, maybe boulders, and scrawny trees.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a silhouette, like
Sighing, I wrap my arms around Saints neck, resting my forehead against his, “Any ideas about this river, boy?”
My imitation leads me towards regret
Mere seconds later, his warm and wet tongue slobbered over my chilled left cheek, “Saint!” Shoving him back, he yips and wags his tail.
Sometimes I wish that we had never met
Only my boy could get away with that, spinning in another circle he jerks to a stop, tilting his head a bit to the left. Tucking my hands into my armpits, in hopes of warding off frostbite, I step closer to him.
I'm faking every step
He looks between me and the space in front of him a few times before whining, “Saint….” But he only spins in a circle before pacing a few feet away, “Alright, I'm coming.”
Stealing all the breath out of my lungs
Sucking down a lungful of crisp air, I trudge after him in the shifting sand. Cursing every curse I know, in any language as the sand remains stubbornly uncooperative, while Saint darts ahead with little issue.
Got me in the dark speaking in tongues
“Fluffy bastard,” I mutter as my feet shift and slide in the sand. My toes are numb, though it's nothing new. The tip of my nose burns from the cold, cold tears streak my face… it's been decades since I've been so cold for so long.
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
I can feel the old memories lurking, just waiting to spring forth from the boxes I buried them in decades before. If I live through this, I swear I'm moving to a damn tropical island.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
Small diviets mark the sand where Saint’s paws have been, leaving a solid trail for me to follow, not that he could disappear from my sights.
You're stealing all the breath out of my lungs
My lungs protest at the cold harsh breathing… I guess it's no more than 10 degrees here. The skin on my hands protests at being exposed to the harsh air, but I pull the hood tighter around my face anyways and tuck my hands into the slight warmth of my hair.
Got me in the dark speaking in tongues
My finger caught on… the chain! I swear sometimes it's a miracle I've lived so long, “Saint, stopp!” He skids to a stop kicking up a cloud of sand, his white fur dusted to the color of a toasted marshmallow.
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
He shakes himself, knocking off some sand before sitting and waiting for further direction, but I stop once again….gurgling, rushing, bubbling sounds finally reach my ears… what Saint must've been tracking this whole time.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
Uncomfortably numb is an understatement…. It's nice to know that the insanity still has a sense of irony.
Disconnected, out of mind
“Komm bitte her,” He launches onto his feet and trotts over, “halten,” and he sits very still as I brace myself. Quickly pulling the cape over my head, I lay it over Saint’s head.
I'm unaffected by the times
The persistent wind bites at my skin even through my long sleeve sweater, goosebumps spread all over, the cold sinking into my bones… just like it used to. A home I never wanted to return to.
Misdirect me on a dime
With numb fingers I tap the middle metal spike, activating the suit to form over my clothes. The black, green speckled, scaled suit takes form quickly, “Thank fuck,” Falls from my lips as the suit slowly heats up.
Break me with something slight
I owe Shuri whatever the fuck she wants once I kick some giant purple ass.
Born into compromise and raised on white lies
Slowly I bend my fingers as the warm black gloves revive the feeling in them, Retrieving the cape from Saints head, his bright blues appear making a tinge of sadness wash through me
They say the road to hell is paved with gold
So much like…
At 25 I feel content with caution, Dodging my halo
Shaking my head, I pull down the cape, and wait… fuck how are the wings gonna work?
Stealing all the breath out of my lungs
Reaching unearch the cape up on my back, between my shoulder blades…. Thank the devil for being double jointed. Slight indents catch under my fingertips, no more than an inch wide and three long.
Got me in the dark speaking in tongues
With my other hands I snag a knife from my waist, and reach back to mirror my first hand. Letting the blade turn in my hand, I move my first hand to pull the fabric taut, and the knife glides through with some effort.
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
The second slit came easier and my shoulders sag in relief once I stopped my contortionist act.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
“Here goes nothing,” and Saint tilts his head curiously as I press the slight indent against my left wrist. Faint rustling blocks out the sounds of water and wind for a few moments as they come to stop. I still can't let out the breath I'm holding.
You're stealing all the breath out of my lungs
Again I reach behind myself, over the cape, I instantly feel the feathered wings. Warm relief rushes through my aching veins and Saint is still staring oddly at me. Ah, that's right he never saw the wings when…..
Got me in the dark speaking in tongues
“I’m ready to retire.” Their faces drop in surprise and shock….
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
Where did it all go so wrong? I was fucking ready - the familiar pressure of building sobs returning.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb...
“It's alright, Saint… just a new toy.” With a grunt, he scouts around me in a circle, giving the wings a harsh sniff before coming back in front of me, “Come here, Baby halten.”
The seasons change, we stay the same
Sitting on his haunches, I lift him under his front legs. Tucking them over my shoulders, yet under the cape, and he tucks his head behind mine… “Such a good boy.” I croon into his fur as I shift my hands to hold him tight against my chest.
Til we're blue in the face
“The suit will do all the hard work…” his accented tone bounces in my brain as I shift my feet, giving the wings an experimental flap, “Hang on.” The wings beat steadily and my feet leave the fucking sand behind.
I need the pain to soothe my brain
Higher and higher we go as the wings work their magic, boulders shrink to peebles and trees become stuck up twigs.
Stealing all the breath out of my lungs
In the corners of my eyes, the green tinged wings come in and out of view, keeping us steady above the ground…. It's breathtaking…. It never occurred to me that I could become the songbird.
Got me in the dark speakin' in tongues
I wish my old man and my psycho could see me… sniffling and readjusting my grip on Saint’s chilled fur as I scan my much bigger view of the endless sands.
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
His heart beats erratically against mine, though his is probably from fear… mine? I don’t think Ive ever been happier to see a river in my life. It's no more than a silver ribbon slitting the pale landscape but it's there.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
The beating of the wings fades into the harmonious hum of my own inner sounds as the ribbon grows in width… never did I doubt aliens, never did it cross my mind to even toy with the idea of mythology being true… nevertheless norse mythology.
You're stealing all the breath out of my lungs
Moments later we were over the river, swooping lower, making Saint cry out in my hold, I can't help but let a maniac grin overcome my solem features when I catch our reflection in the water. The wings appear angelic… maybe even demonic, guess it would depend on your point of view.
Got me in the dark speakin' in tongues
Following the current of the river is easy enough, but is it the right direction? It's not like the devil was overly concerned with my knowledge of Norse gods, though I can kill a man with my pinkie.
Tell me when did this stop being fun?
Glancing away from the harrowing reflection we make in the river, I spot something in the distance… a bridge or building of some sort. For a second it almost seemed like something was moving, but we haven't seen anything alive.
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
Still squinting, the whooshing pierce of air reaches me far too late to dodge. The wings tilt, the left feeling way too light and the ground begins to rush towards us… All I can do is twist in the air and hope I live through falling on my back
We're undone and uncomfortably numb
The deafening thud of our weight hitting the sand is nearly washed out by the cracking of my spine, but then the bright sun is literally blocked out by-
“What could a being from the living need to disturb the peace of the fallen?”
Then the ease of unconsciousness sucks me into its warm embrace.