Control
“Get back here!” I only shriek louder as he shouts after us. Wade’s booming laugh echoes my uncontrollable giggles as we turn left at the end of the hall, with a certain someone's metal arm clutched to my chest.
“This way, Squirt!” His rough hands grab my shoulders and pull us into a small storage closet. Flush against his t-shirt covered chest, save the metal arm, his handsome scarred face smiles at me. With joy I forget we can be capable of.
His hands fall to my hips and his nose brushes against mine, Bucky's shouts are muffled by the door, but I can hear him well enough.
“You guys are gonna be the death of me!” Sam says something but it's too low for even my ears to catch. Wade hums, a hand drifts up to hold the back of my neck but I feel him toy with the beaded chain.
“Tell me little devil, would you wear my ring as well?” The hand has tugged the chain from under my shirt and now holds the two tags and ring in his palm.
Oh, my psycho…. Shifting to free my right hand, I cup his cheek, which he easily leans into. If I didn't know him so well I’d mistake his current expression for anger, maybe even jealousy, but I don't need to enter his mind to know he's actually scared.
“Wade …” I whisper and he gasps now fully looking at me, “I'd marry you with paper rings…” I can barely finish the line before he's in hysterics, clutching my hip and neck tightly as laughter racks his form and I follow.
“WHERE DID YOU TWO GO?”
“Why does that old geezer always ruin the moment?” Giggling I shake my head, I know I’m smiling like an idiot but fuck it. I never thought I'd be giggling with a man I love. Never thought I could even be happy… now I don't even know what to do with all the happiness I have.
Too bad if that sounds sappy, I’m allowed after-
Wait….
I reach to grab both sides of his face but the arm doesn't crash to the floor. I know its dust scatters in the air around us but I'm drowning in Wade's sorrowful eyes… the very same he looked on the battlefield.
“I'm sorry little devil….” I feel his hot tears brush my fingers just as his face loses its firmness, the grit of the dust is harsh against my hands and my face burns from the freely falling tears.
They send me away to find them a fortune
The lyrics shatter what's left of the small closet into nothing but tiny shards of muted color, throwing me back into the harsh reality.
A chest filled with diamonds and gold
Cold leaches through my back, the ground’s hard wherever I am, definitely not the damn sand. Easy…breathe easy now…
The house was awake, the shadows and monsters
Crackles and pops fill the air, with the familiar smoky scent of a fire, yet nothing seems to be cooking. Focusing on my hearing, Saints' steady heartbeat thumps.. Along with anothers.
The hallways, they echoed and groaned
Except, this heartbeat is all wrong, its rhythm is all wrong… almost without rhythm at all… it can't be human, but Saint’s okay… though the throbbing in my spine would beg to differ for me.
I sat alone, in bed till the morning
“I know you're awake.” The deep voice is soft yet harsh, like he's unused to speaking. Something about his voice grits against my bones, it's unnatural.
I'm crying, "They're coming for me"
Slowly blinking open my eyes, the slight crust yields easily but it only reminds me that only one part of the memory is real. I find myself staring up at a wooden roof, “Why save me?”
And I tried to hold these secrets inside me
Silence stretches, but I remain still… If I'm honest I'm too afraid to know how hurt I really am. You're fine, fine, fine… We must bring them home, you have to be…. Well, that's reassuring.
My mind's like a deadly disease
“I may be the guard to the departed but I am not cruel, your companion, he is far older than the fates design.” Again the deep timber of his voice nearly makes my bones shiver but I hold still, biting my lip terrified to move too much.
I'm bigger than my body
Something clangs together, almost like two pots, Saints paws scuffle across the hard floor, growing louder until his nose gently prods my hands resting on my stomach.
I'm colder than this home
When did this all get so fucked?... I don't know. In slow motions I stroked his soft head, gently tracing the planes of his skull. Two weeks ago I was thigh-deep in a river in Bosnia with my boy thrown across my shoulders.
I'm meaner than my demons
Then a week ago I stumbled into a trap not even my own nightmares could conjure.
I'm bigger than these bones
“Your mind whispers and your soul… it's designed for much. Maybe too much. Tell me an odd one, why have you come to Hel.” The being continues to move about, possibly cooking, but I can't ignore this. I have a mission to fulfill.
No, a promise.
And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"
Gently, with the screams’ harsh encouragement of my stability, I sit up. Finally seeing the guard, a large being, towering an easy seven feet but otherwise resembles tales of giants that guard treasure in fables.
I can't help this awful energy
“I've come to retrieve a soul, one wrongfully taken from me.”
Save him, save him, save him
He was, I didn't deserve this, I'm not losing my boys like this. Hasn't the universe already taken enough from me? This world is cruel I know, but this seems unnatural, a test almost.
God damn right, you should be scared of me
A taunting.
Who is in control?
“Odin allowed such a taks?” The beast inquires, as Saint carefully tries to sniff out what he's cooking in the pot over the fire. Defiance bruns in me at his words, “Odin doesn't control me, no god does. I've been told it's the fates design.”
I paced around for hours on empty
Something in his inhuman features shifts, almost to uncertainty… tilting his large head down, it could even be labeled disbelief from how his shoulders then head shakes.
I jumped at the slightest of sounds
Saint, unsure of the giant, scurries back to my side in a defensive stance, ready to defend even against unknown opponents. “You speak of the impossible”
And I couldn't stand the person inside me
These lyrics never miss a chance to strike just right, a cold laugh cracks through my lungs. Sharply falling from my lips, making the giant snap his attention to me, but the embers are already alight.
I turned all the mirrors around
“My whole existence has been impossible.”
I'm bigger than my body
His impossibly hollow yet foreboding eyes hold my insanity sparked ones, neither of us daring to flinch. I won't lose, not to him, not to any god, and definitely that bastard Thanos.
I'm colder than this home
He had to find whatever he was seeking. Pushing off his knees, he stands to his full height, “You are aware of whom you have to persuade to accomplish such a feat?”
I'm meaner than my demons
It didn't occur to me that I have to win his soul back, con some death god into giving me a trickster god, but it is on par with all the other shit going on.
I'm bigger than these bones
Slightly I nod my head, my hands drift to my neck, seeking out the dog tags. The beaded chain calms the edge of insanity. Part of me the screams to just murder the giant and continue my journey.
And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"
I'm scaring myself… It's only when I no longer fear myself do I know shits going down… the last time that happened? When Bucky was taken from me….
I can't help this awful energy
Those hollow eyes watch me, trying to decipher something that probably no one can, but it must find something to decide its next words because he starts to move. Carrying a bowl, a growl forms low in Saint’s chest but it pays no mind.
God damn right, you should be scared of me
Why isn't he scared? He crosses the small space unbothered.
Who is in control?
I don't know anymore.
I'm well acquainted with villains that live in my head
She beats through my veins without a care, only determination to bring them back, to make the universe feel the growing ball of pain and despair festering in my hollowed out \chest.
They beg me to write them so they'll never die when I'm dead
It held the steaming bowl to me, its scent starkly unfamiliar but even the screams couldn't ignore my churning stomach. Holding eye contact, I take it from him. With a jerky nod it seems to decide about me.
And I've grown familiar with villains that live in my head
“You must convince Hela to release the soul. It will not be easy, even for an impossible one like you.” Its voice rumbles, settling across my bones… something I never want to experience after this.
They beg me to write them so I'll never die when I'm dead
Before this, my shields remained firm, caging in the darkness and a lit flame of insanity dancing inside, but his presence… dark, foreboding, full of nothing yet everything makes me lean towards the swirling black unconsciously.
I'm bigger than my body
At the faint crack in my shields, to get a better grasp of its mind, it smirks, “Ah, impossible one, I'd stay far away from there.”
I'm colder than this home
But I ignored his warning, opting to let that crack remain, daring him, “I've done far too much to let someone decide where I go.” Its surprise was enough to return my manic grin as I sip the ashy broth.. No surprises there. The scent of death hangs heavily here.
I'm meaner than my demons
“She will most likely ask you to perform a quest… Do it. It will be the only way to have a chance at even leaving this realm.” It moves about the small space, not quite looking in my direction.
I'm bigger than these bones
“Why?”
And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"
It's the only thought left over the screams and lyrics. It claims to be a guard to the undead, so why is he extending any favors to me? An alive being with intentions to disrupt the balance of the dead.
I can't help this awful energy
Its ashen colored face, obscured by a long gray beard, becomes almost somber. Clasping its hands, he sits opposite of me, the fire crackling between us, casting odd shadows on the panes of its face.
God damn right, you should be scared of me
“There has been an upset to the balance… we-I know of what occurred. Half the universe…gone.” He pauses, the slip of the tongue isn’t lost on me, even the screams hone in on it.
Who is in control?
He lost, he lost, he lost toooooo
“You lost someone too…” It doesn't move a muscle at my statement, my own hands mirror his as Saint lays himself at my feet.
And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me"
“… they turned to dust right in front of you. Fading away from existence before your very eyes and you were powerless to save them.” Emotions pour over my words.
I can't help this awful energy
The pain demands to see the light of day, but it doesn't shy away from my expression. Instead it almost seems to empathize with me.
God damn right, you should be scared of me
“I’d like you to know something,” it’s eyebrow twitches but makes no move to interrupt. “I know who did this,” absently I stroke Saint’s head, “that soul? I need him to make that beast pay for his crimes.”
Who is in control?
Finally he looks up, that bottomless gaze drilling into mine.“Then I shall bid you good luck on your quest, impossible one. Hela is not easy to persuade, but you just might have enough insanity to do it.”
It’s only a small amount of support…. But maybe that, that belief, will be enough to take control of the monster in my veins and bring them back.
“Where do I start?”