Revelations
Five did not envision the hunt ending this way.
He’s on the verge of getting his butt dragged through the mud by a skywalking Brit with cutting wit when they both stop to stare, Loki has frozen countless people and is fast approaching. He moves with grace and precision, his every movement a deadly dance as he effortlessly dodges and blasts. Loki's never looked more deified than with his gorgeous shade of blue, ruby eyes, raised markings, and pointed teeth. Five shivers, a smile forming at the sight.
Then, instead of continuing the fight, Loki presses a few fingers to the woman’s forehead. Suddenly she’s crying and screaming while hitting his chest. Bones are definitely breaking yet she doesn’t cease until Loki bares his own wounds. Lila’s one of the other 36 and, to Five’s surprise (as well as Klaus’ boon), she would have had a happier childhood if she’d grown up in the Umbrella Academy. He lost the bet from their eighth birthday.
Shortly thereafter Loki snatches a nightmarish hag’s briefcase and ties her up as another Loki grabs Diego’s knife and transfigures the mucky cocksplat into a caged rat. Pocketing the ridiculous case, and entrusting everything else to Five, Loki breezily conducts a three-way mindmeld. A lot of cross words flow from their new comrade while The Handler spouts manipulative bullshit. It gives him Dad flashbacks. The scene ends with Lila tearfully shooting the crone dead then letting him test out Hitler’s actual gun. He wishes the weapon were his, but finders keepers. It’s probably willed to her anyhow.
Lila’s alright when she’s not kicking my ass.
*
As they walk through the freshly sewed chaos, Five shakes the rodent’s cage and asks, “Why were you protecting this ugly fuckface?”
“I’m light on the details, but one of his descendants is supposed to be the Herald of the Apocalypse — Harold’s the knobber who manipulates your sister into destroying the moon in 2019.”
Five drops the cage. Falling to his knees, his vision blurs as Loki’s grounding arms envelope him. Tears roll down his cheeks. Meanwhile, Lila blurts, “Ompf, sorry! Me mum, erm, The Handler raised me at the Commission and I don’t know how to get on properly. Even my first date was a target.”
Five waves a hand before saying, “It’s okay. My upbringing has also emotionally stunted me." He then uses the sleeve to wipe his face. "How could Allison destroy the moon? I found her body in our home and the post-Apocalypse didn’t have a nuclear winter vibe. I wouldn’t have survived the radiation.”
Just as she’s about to answer, Lila sits cross-legged, tilts her head, and asks, “What do you mean by ‘the post-Apocalypse?’ You disappeared from the Commission’s radar in 2003, reappearing when the rat king began his creepy fascination with ya. Although, I suppose that explains the fake,” she clicks her tongue, “viddy ball that’s shown up. We, uh, they assumed you’d lost one of your marbles.”
“Heh, they’re not wrong. Travelling into the future is more intuitive to me than going the other way. Or, at least it used to be.” Five sighs. “I spent over a quarter century raiding crumbling and mould-ridden libraries in search of a way back to the Academy. My miscalculations left me with a pubescent body in a region of the world without paper.”
“That’s horrible. Wait, does that mean you (vis-à-vis I) can age regress and live forever? Like Doctor Who but you keep your original kisser and can otherwise die, obviously,” Lila asks wide-eyed. “Nevermind. It’s a question for another day and chapter. Number Seven can manipulate sound and energy, but emotion heavily influences ‘er control. She accidentally killed a slew of nannies before your dad made you guys a robot mum, drugged Seven, and had Three rumour the lot of ya into forgetting.”
“That, that, that sounds a lot like something he would do. Fucking Reggie!” stammers Five as he realises the warped logic is solid. A short distance away, a bright flash precedes a tiny man waving a white flag and a lightly freckled black woman with a stack of papers. They’re dressed for an afternoon stroll through 1955 rather than a battlefield.
“Who the hell are they?” Five huffs while he and Loki stand, bracing themselves for another round of fighting.
“Oh, they’re harmless bureaucrats.” Lila scoffs. She disappears, reappearing moments later holding one aloft by the scruff of his shirt. Five has questions for the peculiar woman and her strangely similar powers, but they can wait. The situation is just getting good.
“All right, sweaty gerbil man. Tell us why you’re here or I’ll staple your colon to your nose and let you die on your own farts.”
The man pleads as he flails about, “That’s… so… vivid. Please, we’re on your side.”
“Go on and tell them, Herb."
“Due to the recent supervisor vacancy in Case Management, I've been promoted.”
“Congrats,” Lila deadpans.
“Oh, I’m so goddamn nervous… could you put me down?”
Once on his feet, the pale pencil-pusher holds out his palm to the scowling warrior. “Happy to make your acquaintance Number Five, uh, Mr Hargreeves. You’re kind of a celebrity in our office.”
Some awkward silence later, keeping two very lucky limbs at his sides, Herb babbles, “Anyway, we’d love a truce now that I’m authorised to do so. The Commission was created to prevent devastation beyond our comprehension, unfortunately at the cost of our planet, but it seems Five’s deviation has created the perfect opportunity to save the Earth and the universe.”
His associate wiggles in giddy anticipation.
“Thanks for that, by the way, we’re forever in your debt. What are the chances, eh? Dot can finally take a vacation. All we ask is that you return to a time and place after Sir Reginald Hargreeves’ death. His funeral, for example. Your father orchestrated his own suicide in an attempt to reunite the team — to, to, uh, stop the world’s destruction. We’ve never figured out how he knew it was coming. It’s fitting, in a way.”
The spectacled man clears his throat.
“As a gesture of good will we’ve brought all the information we have on Number Seven’s abilities and the Apocalypse.” Dot hands Loki an armload of files, which he promptly disappears into his dimensional pocket. “Also, if you don’t annihilate us, we agree to maintain the timeline in a more humane manner; much less murder and no more psychopath enabling. A stance I’ve always advocated. You’ve slain most of our temporal assassins, anyway. Heh.”
Lila sneers at the pair. “And no more child abduction or else.”
“Woah, The Handler did that of her own accord. But, yes. Of course. So, is it a deal?”
Five’s stomach drops at the thought of losing Ben again, even if his brother would give his life in a heartbeat. It’s of some relief knowing Loki will help his siblings with their powers while they study the TemPad and prepare for the Multiversal Wars. A family séance has some perks.
Shifting his focus outward, Five inquires, “Do you think we should trust them?”
Lila shrugs. “I reckon we can try it out with some assurances.”
Five lifts an eyebrow in Loki’s direction.
“It’s barely been a week since I’ve toppled my last regime and broke the Multiverse.” The desk jockeys squeak in unison while Lila seems to revel in the idea, or possibly their discomfort. “I’d prefer the less cataclysmic route today, if you agree it’s warranted.”
Five draws out the stillness until the tension is heavy in the air.
“It’s a deal. Except we’re taking some time machines, Angrboda is coming, and I want every piece of data you have on our family. That includes all four of us. If we ever see any of your people again, we’ll be paying each one of you a visit to remember for your rapidly dwindling lives.” With further contemplation he sneers, “Add whatever the fuck explains your organisation’s mission, structure, and founding. I’ll be in touch if we think of anything else, in-person unless you provide another method.”
“Wonderful! Feel free to take your pick, we’ll even include the instruction booklet,” Herb chuckles while motioning to the melting ice, bodies, and briefcases littering the bloodied field. “Dot and I will return with the materials in an hour.”
Five replies, “Sure, but Lila is going with you. She’ll stab first and ask questions later if she thinks you’re holding out on us.” The woman sprouts a sinister grin at the comment, winking at the anxious couple as they depart in a blink. Five likes her attitude.
*
“What do you want to do with him?” Five asks Angrboda not long after. “He’s hurt you most of all.” Pausing for a moment, the generous woman kneels and opens the enclosure.
“May the vermin be plagued by undreamt terrors.”