Saturn

One thing that seemed to constantly stress Bucky out was doctor's offices. He never really worried about them until he was past the front desk and had to sit in the waiting room. 

The chairs looked comfortable until you had to sit there for hours on end, despite having an appointment. The excuse was always "the doctor is running behind" but Bucky knew what it looked like behind closed doors. It looked like utter chaos, nurses and physicians running around like chickens with their heads cut off. 

Elias was pretty chill for the first hour. He sat and played with other kids, flipped through books he couldn't read, and watched cartoons on Bucky's phone. This sort of left Bucky with nothing to do expect stare at the child. Bucky was reminded then that Elias would be turning three soon, as he filled out all of the paperwork and saw Elias' birthdate searing back at him. He didn't know if he would have him when he turned three, and he didn't want to plan anything if that was the case. 

He also didn't want Elias to not have anything for the day. But, he also figured that Elias probably wouldn't remember it as he got older even if Bucky decided to throw a small party with just him, Sam, and Shang if he was around. 

Bucky tapped Elias on the shoulder once he noticed a video pop up on the auto-play feature on YouTube. 

"Not appropriate." He clicked his tongue and Elias shook his head, in his way of agreeing before clicking on a kiddy little animation. 

He watched as babies and their parents came and went before Elias' name was called. Bucky let him crawl down off the chair and shoved him lightly toward the door where the nurse stood. Bucky took his phone from Elias who had almost bumped into the wall while peering down at it in vague interest. The nurse led them both to an open doorway where she had Elias stand on a scale for a moment before it beeped. She marked his height on the medical chart on her hands before giving him a high five. 

Elias honestly seemed less than enthusiastic to be there. 

"He's so well behaved." The nurse, Penn, commented, walking them to an examination room. Nurse Penn was a short woman with black hair and big round eyes that took up the majority of her small face. She wore dark green scrubs with flowers on the pockets and had big white, chunky looking tennis shoes on that seemed to hit the floor like boots. Bucky looked down at them and then back her, momentarily wondering if they ever hurt her feet. 

Bucky snorted, "You should see him at home." 

It was the truth, for all intent and purposes. Elias had grown used to having his way around the apartment. He would walk in and out of rooms with a purpose, do what he wanted, talk over everyone, eat off of other people's plates, etc. He had made himself at home in such a short period to time. Bucky would admit that Elias was very opinionated with what he wore now, what was put on the television, and what they had for dinner. He wasn't shy about making a disgusted face or saying "no". 

"The doctor will be in shortly. We're short staffed due to a flu going around, so we apologize for the wait." Nurse Penn smiled tightly before shutting the door behind her. 

The room was coated with bright yellow walls that made Bucky choke back a subtle gag. The walls had pictures of cartoon animals framed, informational posters about whooping cough and spinal bifida, and a giant rainbow over the miniature plank bed. 

Bucky sat Elias on the bed and bent down so he was on his knees, eye to eye with the kid. Elias looked around, curious, but not willing to ask any questions. Elias' hair had started to grow out a little more, covering his eyes. Elias had big brown eyes that turned black in certain moments when he was exposed to something new or strange, like now.

"You nervous?" Bucky taps his leg and watches Elias kick his feet for a few seconds. 

"No." Elias rubbed at his face, like he did often. It bugged the shit out of Bucky because he was always worried about Elias getting sick. 

Bucky tugged his hand down and put it in his lap with a knowing face which caused Elias to giggle and draw his hand back up to his face out of spite. 

He and Bucky went back and forth for a few minutes, Bucky telling Elias he was going to contract a plethora of disease and Elias telling him he wouldn't, before the doctor joined them. 

"How are we doing?" The doctor sighs and Bucky swears he can smell day old liquor on him the second he sits in the rolling chair by the sink. 

Bucky stands to full height, towering over everyone as he tugs Elias into his side. "Just here for a check up."

The doctor sighs, putting on a pair of gloves shakily. "I'm Dr. Sullivan. I'll be Ellie's primary care doctor for the time being." 

Bucky has to pause whatever thought is about to escape him before he shakes his head. 

"His name is Elias." He grunts, biting back a curse word under his breath. 

Dr. Sullivan finally looks up and his eyes widen when he realizes his patient is a boy, and not a little girl named Ellie. "I see." He laughs shortly before rolling over to Elias. "Can I check under the hood, little man?" He asks Elias who nods, confused by the phrasing. 

Dr. Sullivan lifts Elias' shirt, revealing his small chest which appears more caved in than usual and Bucky notices that he's holding his breath. 

"Breathe." He pats the kids back and notices him do so. 

Dr. Sullivan listens to Elias' heartbeat and hums before finishing his check up. This includes looking inside Elias' ears, tapping his knee with a fucking medieval looking stick, and looking down Elias' throat. In general, this takes about ten minutes and it's silent which makes this one of the many awkward interactions Bucky had ever had. 

Finally, Dr. Sullivan strips his gloves off and pushes his glasses up his face. 

"So, Elias looks just fine. His weight is a little low for his age, so we can refer you to a nutritionist and they can sort it from there. It's my understanding that Elias has sleep apnea?" Dr. Sullivan clears his throat, looking back and forth between Bucky and Elias for the answer. Bucky notices that his eyes are rimmed red and he looks like he's sweating buckets in a 64 degree Fahrenheit office. 

"Do you normally drink on the job, Dr. Sullivan?" Bucky snaps and Dr. Sullivan's eyes jerk out of their sockets before he sputters. 

"Excuse me?" The good doctor adjusts himself on the seat uncomfortably. 

"I'm trusting this kid in your medical care, so I'm just asking." Bucky shifts his stance and stretched his neck out towards the doctor to prompt him. 

It's very evident that there is no way out, or beating around the bush so Dr. Sullivan sighs. "I apologize if I have made you uncomfortable at all. So, let me put you at ease."

Bucky scratches his forehead idly. "I'd like to see how you're going to do that." 

"Mr. Barnes, you are currently in an urgent clinic. Which means, you are not paying for this healthcare. So, the best I can do right now is tell you that if you wish to go to a private practice, and spend thousands of dollars for a standard visit, I can make the call." Dr. Sullivan stands from his seat and shoves his hands into his lab coat. 

"That's your excuse? Just because the kid has medicaid he doesn't deserve decent medical assistance? Because I don't think his fucking doctor not coming in hungover is too much to ask here." Bucky gripes back, looking down at Elias to make sure he's fine. 

Dr. Sullivan shrugs and sits back down, taking off his spectacles and playing them on the collar of his shirt. "May I proceed with this visit, Mr. Barnes?" 

And honestly, Bucky considers walking out right now, but he knows Elias needs his medication refilled. There's no way around that fact, and Bucky doesn't trust that he can find another alternative before the medicine runs out. He just didn't expect this to happen, but it's not far beyond the realm of possibility he guesses. 

Bucky gestures for him to keep going, hoping it'll be quick and he doesn't hit himself with the door on his way out. 

"We may need to up his Fluticasone. The nasal steroids seem to be helping, based on the information from his chart. I want to keep him on the capsules for now. I imagine they're helping quite a bit. If the problem worsens with age we may need to look into anti-obstructive surgery." Dr. Sullivan speeds through it, noticing the questions hitting Bucky square on the nose. 

"Surgery?" Bucky croaks out. 

Dr. Sullivan hums affirmatively. "So, Elias is still young which means he could grow out of his condition. This could be caused by abnormally swollen tonsils or adenoids blocking his airway. He's still a little too young to tell, so we'll revisit it at a later date. For now, we will continue this course of treatment." Dr. Sullivan stands and bows sardonically towards Elias who giggles. 

"O-okay." Bucky stutters out nervously at the idea of Elias having to undergo surgery. 

"I will send in his refill for the medications, and you can see the front desk on your way out for his discharge summary." Dr. Sullivan waves at Elias, nodding hesitantly at Bucky before slinking his way out of the room. 

Honestly, Bucky could hardly process a word that came out of his mouth after hearing the idea that Elias would have to have surgery. Dramatics aside, surgery was severely traumatic on the body no matter what kind of invasive or evasive procedure they decided upon. 

At some point, Bucky gets the energy to pull Elias down from the table and walks him out to the front desk where an older lady is now sitting with her ear to the phone. She holds up a finger up and pushes a bowl towards Bucky full of stickers. He shoots it in Elias' direction, not even looking as he feels the smaller hand rummage through it distractedly. 

The receptionist asks for Elias' name and date of birth before handing Bucky a small stack of papers. "The ones on top are his refills. You can drop those off at whatever pharmacy is convenient for you. The other papers include a summary of the visit. Height, weight, course of treatment. Did you get any referrals during this visit?" She rambles on, typing away on the computer with a phone still shoved to her ear. 

"I don't think so." He hesitates, sitting the bowl back down on the counter. 

The lady gives him a soft smile before she gestures silently at him to go, as the visit is over. 

On this way out of the office, he believes that it wasn't a painless visit, not by a long shot. But, at least it's over and he doesn't have to come back in a while. He makes a mental note to ask Wanda about changing Elias' primary provider because that was an absolute shitshow. With the kid still in his arms, he hails a cab and crawls inside the first one that juts to the curb, breaks squealing and all. Elias plops down on the seat beside Bucky, sticker still in his hand as he crumples it between his sticky fingers. 

"What did you get?" Bucky leans over, peering down at the sticker in wonder. 

"Spaceship." Elias shrugs, waving it back and forth. 

Bucky hums and picks at the paper on the back of the sticker before Elias shakes his head, yanking it away. 

"Bud, you gotta take the paper off otherwise it's not a sticker. It has to stick somewhere." He sighs more so to himself. 

Elias shakes his head again. "You'll ruin it." He pouts, pulling it to his chest, as far enough that he can get it away from Bucky's hands. 

The ride back to the apartment is uneventful in any way. Bucky decided that taking the subway, while cost efficient, was one of the worst places you could bring a toddler. He didn't like the people always looking at him, asking him if they could hold Elias. He hated the fact that Elias showed signs of being very kidnapable either. He was practically built to be carried away by a stranger the way he would run up to people and begin talking out of nowhere. 

Taxi's were the only way he could keep a confined space for Elias. In all actuality, he should probably look into getting a car. It was something he had always thought about, but New York seemed like a gamble when it came to a car. They were practically obsolete and the traffic made it that much more unappealing. But, he had a genuine reason now to do so. 

Back at the apartment, Bucky lets Elias have free rein of the place while he checks his phone for any missed calls or emails. There's only one worth mentioning so he dials the familiar number back and puts it on speaker as he walks around the house. 

The calls picks out on the second ring. "You're dead to me." Steve harps immediately. 

"God, no hello how are you?" Bucky bites into a banana, which looks like it should belong in the compost by now. 

"Hey, hello, how are you, you suck." Steve growls angrily. "You didn't want to tell me you're a father?" He continues on. 

Bucky chokes and snatches the phone up in a huff. "I'm not." He grits out, looking around for any signs of Elias in the area. 

"Really? Because Sam mentioned that you have a kid now and my first thought was 'Bucky is as close to a virgin as you can get without actually being one' so excuse my confusion when he says there is a kid in your apartment." Steve rants and Bucky can hear shuffling on the other end like the taller man is pacing back and forth. 

"First off, you're a dick for that virgin comment. Second, it's not my kid." Bucky clarifies again, tossing the rest of the banana in the trash before deciding to look for Elias. The apartment is chillingly quiet at the moment which makes him uneasy. 

He makes his way through the living room, knocking the couch with the tip of his foot in case Elias had crawled underneath it. It's happened before, in his defense. As he walks through the hallway, he hears garbled mumbling causing him to ease the door to Sam's room open. Elias is sitting on Sam's chest, showing him the sticker he got from the doctor's office, as Sam talks in a tired voice of vague interest. 

"Pretty cool." Sam nods, rubbing at his eyes. Bucky looks down at the watch on his wrist, noticing that Sam couldn't have been asleep for longer than an hour before Elias rolled in. 

"Pretty cool." Elias parrots back with an easy grin. 

"Hey, bud come on. Let Sammy sleep." Bucky grins as Sam whips his head around at the nickname. 

"You don't call me Sammy." He points an accusatory finger at the man standing in the doorway, phone still pressed to his ear. 

"I'm sleeping." Elias shuts his eyes tight, still sitting on Sam's chest. Sam clicks his tongue once and brings Elias down to lay beside him before he shoos Bucky away. 

Bucky shuts the door before walking to his room and plopping down on the bed. "You were saying?" He sighs at Steve who has been waiting patiently on the phone with harsh breaths. 

Steve hums on the phone to himself in thought. "So, he's really staying with you?" 

Bucky nods, rubbing a hand down his face. "Until further notice."

"Explain that to me." Steve prompts, clearly not understanding the entire situation laid out in his best friend's life. If Steve is being honest, he was worried about Bucky. He knew that Bucky had never been great with human responsibility. It made Bucky nervous, almost like his mind would react in a way that prompted trauma to the forefront of his brain. He would become panicked whenever he was depended upon by another person, which was why Steve kept his distance as best he could. 

"Do you remember Laila?" Bucky mumbles, now playing with the buttons on his flannel shirt. 

Steve holds his breath a little at the mention of the name. It was something he had avoided for as long as he possibly could, bringing her up. He knew that Bucky never was one for long-term or believing in a future. But, Laila was the one person Steve knew could have shifted that entire thought process. He sat with Bucky many nights, role-playing situations and conversations. He was there every time Bucky begrudgingly admitted that she was special, the only person he thought about day and night. Seeing Laila and Bucky together made Steve happy, until it didn't and he was left to pick up the pieces when it ended on a random Thursday morning. 

Not that there was many visible pieces to pick up. Bucky wouldn't allow it to be that way. He hid most of what he felt, only letting it show through his actions. Steve was proud that his grades got better, but he knew that Bucky never truly got over it all. The letting someone else in, being cared for. 

"Yep." He smacks his lips sharply, waiting. 

"She died a little bit ago." Bucky shrugs, stating it as if the Mets had beat the Yankees. No big deal, unless you're a Yankees fan. It's said with finality, as if nothing could change it anyway, so why get upset. 

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose, understanding that this is just how Bucky reacts. He doesn't make a big scene, and he tends to blow smoke up his own ass about mortality being asinine. But, Steve knows that Bucky is feeling every emotion at once, as if every nerve in his body is on fire. 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that Bucky would never take in a kid out of the blue. But, Steve pries more anyway. 

"That's her kid?" Steve throws it towards the wind and gets an immediate answer when Bucky laughs. 

It's a nice soothing sound, one that Steve doesn't get to hear often. So, in turn it makes Steve laugh. 

"Oh, yeah." Bucky chuckles. "Looks just like her, acts just like her. Hell, he even eats just like her. All teeth and groaning as if he's been starved for days." He presses his tongue against the inside of his mouth in thought as Steve takes it all in. 

"How'd you end up with him?" Steve wonders. 

"It's just temporary until they can find a more permanent placement." Bucky shrugs again. 

It doesn't take long for a response, that is warranted, but that doesn't mean Bucky has to like it. "Are you sure you're okay to be doing this?"

"What do you mean? I'm stable. The doctors haven't had any concerns for years." He all but grunts in distain. 

"I'm not talking about the TBI." Steve huffs, getting annoyed with Bucky at this point. 

"Oh." Bucky sniffs, running a hand across his nose when he feels a small tickle hit the skin. "Yeah, I'm good." He confirms, closing his eyes for a minute to think about it. He comes to a fast conclusion that he wouldn't want anybody else doing it. Raising Elias, filling his head with weird shit and not taking care of him the way he should be cared for. 

"So, when can I meet him?" Steve decides right then and there. He wants to support Bucky, while also doing his due diligence in the way of his best friend's mental health. Steve also knows that Bucky and Elias have Sam, which helps ease the worry to a degree. 

"Whenever you bring your ass to New York. The pull out couch still works." Bucky responds simply. 

"Still got the indent of my ass in it?" Steve jokes back, knowing how many nights he spent on that couch before he moved out. He practically lived in the living room for months, clothes everywhere, feeling like he was stepping all over Sam and Bucky's lives. No one ever made him feel unwelcome. He did that to himself. 

"No, we had to burn that mattress. There's a new one." Bucky replies in a good hearted nature and the topic of conversation ends there. 

Steve runs Bucky through his week and his meetings with the lawyers. Bucky can remember the conversation they had about one of Steve's curators going to different galleries and Steve mentioning the lawsuit. It seems so long ago, when in actuality it was not that long ago. Bucky lets his head smack the pillow a few times when he hangs up the phone before walking down the hall back into Sam's room. Sam is sprawled out on the bed with Elias tucked under his armpit sound asleep. Bucky grabs a throw pillow and smack the top of his head, watching the man jolt awake in terror. 

"W-what, huh?" Sam groans, looking out of his peripheral at the annoyed roommate. 

"You have the biggest mouth on this side of the Hudson River." Bucky gripes, sitting down on the chair beside the bed, laundry still pilled high on top. Bucky tries not to think about whether that laundry is clean or dirty as he shuffles around on it. 

"I'm going to assume that was Steve and not an early morning booty call just now." Sam waves his hand around before shifting in the bed to get comfortable again. His eyes are halfway shut, indicating that he's only partially in the conversation. 

"What is it with everyone and my sex life?" Bucky crosses his arms across his chest, getting even more agitated when Sam gives him a knowing smirk. "Never mind, fuck off. You told him about Elias." Bucky states the obvious and Sam groans under his breath. 

"I did." He nods, smacking his lips from the morning breath. 

"I was going to tell him." Bucky looks like he's about to start pouting but he bucks his chin up before he can even think about it. 

"When? At Elias' high school graduation?" Sam snarks, opening one eye to look at Bucky who has his middle finger pointed at full mast. "If it was up to you, Steve wouldn't know the kid existed until he showed up for a visit one day. All of a sudden Elias is six foot three and shaving." Sam starts to slur his words but smacks his forehead mid sentence to wake himself up. 

"I'm not hiding Elias." Bucky defends because it's true. He's not ashamed, nor does he feel the need to hide the kid. 

"Shit, Buck, I know that. I'm just saying you tend to not talk about big things or share big news. I didn't know you got a job working at Stark until I saw the mail, and that was a year after you started." Sam throws a random example out there and it sticks. He's right, but Bucky still feels annoyed. 

"It's not that big of a deal." Bucky mumbles, standing from the chair to let them both get back to their naps. 

"Hey, you're making close to six figures a year and you still live in this crappy apartment with me and Shang. Don't think I don't know that." Sam rubs at his growing stubble before flipping on his side, taking Elias with him. 

Bucky leaves the room, understanding that Sam probably needs more sleep than he's been getting. He goes into the living room and pulls his laptop out to begin working on basic coding for the engineering seminar next month. He's been lacking in his work for a while, long before Elias showed up. He often put off certain events, declined awards knowing he'd have to show up in a suit and make a speech. He didn't like the marketing aspect of the job, just the work itself. But somehow, he had forgotten how to separate the two and he became sloppy. 

He kicks out about two hours worth of work before Elias and Sam are awake, eating lunch in the kitchen which is actually just breakfast due to the burning bacon, toast and eggs sitting out. 

Bucky stores the laptop away before he joins them, eating as much as the nerves in his stomach can handle. He knows that when he goes into work tomorrow, he has a meeting with the big boss, who is kind of a marvel around the unit. He doesn't really show his face, which is good because if he did show his face, the only reason standing for that would be that someone fucked up on a project. HR wouldn't be too far behind. There was a certain flow to Bucky's work routine, for as long as he could remember, and his boss was never apart of that. Sure, he had multiple bosses. His supervisors, who he met with once every few weeks to brief. He had his financial advisor, who would fund certain projects. And then there was the big boss. The owner of the company, the one who signed all the paychecks. He had never met him, which was preferable. There was a reason Bucky still had a job, and having never met his boss was the only reason he could chalk it up to. 

The rest of the day is fairly lazy. Bucky takes Elias with him to the local pharmacy to drop off his prescriptions, they head back to the apartment where he gives Elias free range of the TV for a couple hours while he tries to clean up. He gives Elias a bath, which in turn leaves him soaking wet and irritated. Bed time comes pretty quick, and so they both change into PJs. He finds Elias waiting at the door for Sam when he's getting ready to leave for work. Elias gives Sam his keys and a high five before shutting the door on him. All in all, it makes Bucky happy to see that Elias is comfortable. With wet hair and fresh clothes, Elias ends up crawling into bed with Bucky, takes his medicine like a champ, and watches cartoons before he passes out within 15 minutes. 

Bucky plays with his curls until they begin to dry naturally and then leaves him to sleep while he gets his own shower. He knows that the morning is going to be hectic so he gets it all out of the way now. He washes, rinses, and repeats until his skin feels dry and raw under his loofa. He gets dressed, not even bothering to dry off, and plays with the ends of his hair that falls in front of his eyes, slicking it back before walking into the living room. He picks up the random cups and snacks that Elias had left out before plopping down on the couch with his laptop again. 

Bucky knows that he should keep working on his coding assignment, as to not put everyone else behind, but the first thing that comes to mind is Laila. He goes straight to google and types in her name before a bunch of social media profiles pop up. He clicks on the first one, which just ends up being a LinkedIn profile with no picture and no data to analyze. He goes back and sees the next one is a Facebook profile, but it is private and Bucky shoots himself in the foot, metaphorically, for not looking her up sooner. He thinks, is this what people do all the time? Stalk people parasocially to make themselves feel better? The profile picture is small and barely visible, but he would have to be blind to not recognize the beautiful head of curls smiling up at him, face smooshed in next to Laila's for a quick picture.

He doesn't really want to harp on it too much so he clicks back to the main page and finds the next link which is a news article about Laila. The headline reads "Woman Creates Guidepost for Stem Cell Research at Columbia University." The picture pulls him back a little against a couch, almost like he's been electrocuted. Her hair is tied up in a bun, she's in a lab coat which hides all of her clothes. She's holding a plaque and shaking hands with Irving Weissman. 

Bucky remembers Laila marveling over Irving Weissman, stating that he was a pioneer for Proposition 71 in stem cell research. He remembers the creepy poster hanging in her room of stem cells and the evolution of how they are formed. He would make fun of her for it, but not in a way that diminished his support for her. He thinks about how happy and proud of herself she must've been when she reached the point in her life where she would meet Weissman and become a pioneer too. 

He, most of all, feels sad that he wasn't there with her. This article was cited around four years ago, and at that time Bucky was building himself back up, achieving his own set of dreams. They were on the same path, although they had split the fare years prior. Bucky does the fundamental math and concludes that this would've been around the time she found out she was pregnant with Elias. 

"Laila Madden, Graduate Student at the Columbia University apart of the Hanover Fellowship, has begun her patron-ship with Irving Weissman. Madden is quoted to join Weissman's team this fall at Stanford University where she will continue her work in stem cell research and continuing the innovative mark specializing in cardiovascular surgery." Bucky reads to himself as he continues to scroll. The next photo in the article is her in a white lab, standing over a beaker with goggles on. The most noticeable feature is the bright smile on her face. 

Bucky doesn't find anything else about her at Stanford, and he can only assume that she found out she was pregnant that fall. 

He wonders what she was like, as a mother. She must've been fantastic, because he remembers her being loving and maternal long before she had the responsibility of a child. 

He closes the laptop before he can go any further and sinks back into the cushions. Bucky knows that he misses Laila, and he wishes that he had fought a little harder, but he doesn't see how that was possible when she was in a long term relationship with a guy she would soon share a whole life with. He feels a pit of jealously smash him in the chest as he thinks about Elias, and how that could have been his kid. But, Bucky had never been great with timing, and this is just further confirmation on the matter so he lets his thoughts rest for the night. 

He feels fatigued a little, like he's just run a marathon. He doesn't know how or why, but he ends up closing his eyes and seeing small bits of flashing lights underneath his heavy lids. 

Sleep comes a little easier that night.