Saturn

Try as he might, Bucky was getting half as much sleep as he did before Elias showed up at his doorstep. And his typical night of sleep looked like about four hours, five maximum. He spent most nights now sitting on the floor, head propped up on his hands as he watched the baby sleep. He couldn't shake the fact that the moment he fell asleep, Elias would suddenly have trouble breathing and by the time Bucky noticed it would be too late. After the first few hours, Bucky seemed to get over his fear of touching Elias, because the kid had all but screamed until he was blue and with Sam gone to work and Shang god knows where. Bucky was all he had. And boy, was that much evident. 

That was the moment Bucky knew he couldn't go into this blind. 

On day two, he stopped by the library on the way home from work and rented a few parenting books that seemed to have been collecting dust. This just made him wonder if he was the only clueless one out there who needed these books. Maybe it was common sense for everyone else, but he continued to struggle. In the mornings, Sam would come home from work and make a bee-line for Bucky's room for Elias. Sam had grown quite attached to the kid, bouncing him up and down and around the entire apartment. 

Bucky hated it for the most part because he would get Elias excited just to go to his room and sleep off his night shift, leaving Bucky to deal with a riled up child who, Bucky had learned, was currently teething. This meant Elias was biting down on everything and anything he could find. Whether that be the strings of Bucky's hoodie, random pens, or magazines Shang had left on the coffee table in the living room. 

Bucky let him chew most things, but drew the line at his keys. They were filthy, and had seen the unsanitary streets of New York. It just didn't feel right. 

On day three of parenthood, Bucky had a day off from Stark Industries, but needed to be at Rutgers by 11:00am for his first class. Shang was a huge help these past couple of days, watching Elias while Bucky worked, and Sam would take him when Shang had to leave for work around 2:00pm. It was smooth sailing, until today when Sam told Bucky that he would be workin a double, meaning no watching the kid. Shang also informed Bucky that he would be visiting his sister for a few days, out of the country. 

So, it was becoming harder and harder, Bucky noticed, to get anything done. All of his time, and even his thoughts, he found, were consumed by Elias. He would often wonder if Elias was happy, or even alive, while he was away from Bucky's presence. 

The kid was lovable, Bucky would give him that. But, it was far from smooth sailing. Bucky had read up about the terrible twos, and apparently Elias had started early. 

"Buck, you gotta call about daycare. I'm sure Elias would rather be around people who are licensed to care for him." Sam argued as he balanced the baby on his hip, cooking breakfast. 

"Elias is two, I'm not sure he knows the difference." Bucky gripes, biting into a slice of dry half-burnt toast. 

"You are in the hands of a very cranky man, Elias. Did you know that?" Sam lifts Elias into the air over his head, smiling when the baby screams in joy before sitting him back down on his hips. 

Bucky rolls his eyes and pushes his plate away before walking around Sam to take Elias. He carefully places Elias on his shoulders, wincing when the kid leans down to stick a mouth full of Bucky's hair in his mouth. He walks around the kitchen, putting dishes in the sink and throwing trash away before taking a seat back on his bar stool. 

"I'll call Wanda today." He agrees, knowing that he had already planned on it, but had somehow been avoiding it for reasons unknown to himself. 

Maybe it was the idea of Elias being around a bunch of strangers all day. He was responsible for his little life, and he didn't want to take that lightly or do anything to screw him up in the little amount of time he would have him. This was a part of Laila, a huge part. He had already fucked that up, like the inexperienced dickhead he was. There was no way, within his power, that he would do the same here with Elias. 

Sam smiled happily to himself and finished up with cooking and Bucky took Elias to his room where a new crib was now sitting beside Bucky's bed. 

It had been a bitch trying to put it together, which frustrated Bucky to no end because he works on planes and rockets all day at work. He even went to school for seven years for mechanics and physics. But, a baby crib from Ikea was his undoing just a couple days ago. 

That was the hardest thing for Bucky to grasp, out of all of this. Time was moving slower than he would have liked. Three days felt like years to him, and he could have sworn he saw a few grey hairs on his scalp when he took his first shower in days this morning. 

He changed Elias into his clothes for the day which consisted of a t-shirt that said "Science Rocks" with planets lined around it, and some blue shorts. Bucky had left Elias with Sam for a few hours on the first day to get all of the essentials, and when he saw the baby clothes section at the department store, he kind of freaked out.

At this moment in time, Bucky just let Elias sit in the floor with a stuffed giraffe he picked up for him on the way home from work yesterday while he got dressed quickly, turning to look at Elias every few seconds to make sure he hadn't wandered off. 

Elias had already learned how to walk months prior, Bucky assumed, but was now testing his limits by trying to run everywhere. Bucky knew he would have to baby proof the apartment one day this week, otherwise he'd be fucked. 

After getting dressed, Bucky sat on the floor and took out his phone to call Wanda. He rubbed absently at Elias' head as he held the phone to his ear, listening to it ring. 

"Hello?" Wanda picked up on the fourth ring, sounding drained. 

"It's Bucky." He sighs heavily, using the sleeve of his shirt to wipe some drool from the baby's chin. 

"Oh, I've been meaning to call and check on everything. How is Elias?" Her mood seems to lift greatly at the mention of the kid. 

"He's fine, teething a little." Bucky grunts as he crosses his legs and puts Elias in his lap, more so for his own comfort. Like a tiny weighted blanket. 

"To be expected." He can imagine her nodding. 

"I need your help with figuring out daycare for the ankle biter as soon as possible." He states plainly, already feeling exhausted and its only 8:00am. 

Wanda pushes some items around her desk idly in thought. "I can call around and set something up temporarily until we can get you in with WIC." She offers to the best of her ability. 

"Great." He grits out, brushing Elias' bangs out of his face. "They're not going to be abusive or anything, right? I've heard the war stories." He informs her, feeling proud that he's educated himself a little on the horrors of being a parent. 

"Um." She coughs awkwardly. "War stories?" 

"Yeah, like spanking the kids, making them sit in corners, not changing them when they're supposed to." He lists off everything he's read about in his parenting books. 

"No, Bucky. I wouldn't let Elias go someplace like that." She states obviously and he breathes out in relief. "Give me a minute." 

She ends up putting him on hold for about three minutes, and during that period, Bucky somehow gets bored. He was never officially diagnosed with ADHD, but his mother always had her suspicions. They were never a wealthy family that had a primary care physician, much less the money to keep the lights on every month. 

Bucky begins playing with the hair on the back of Elias' neck, twirling it around his fingers a little when he notices a patch of skin darker than the rest of his scalp. "You got a birth mark back here, kid." 

Elias babbles in response, saying words mixed together with random noises and Bucky nods along, adding to the conversation which is going nowhere.

"Yeah, little guy. It kind of looks like a planet or something, I just can't decide which one." Bucky hums along as Elias mumbles something that sounds like 'planet'. 

"Bucky?" Wanda calls out, forcing his attention back to her on the phone. 

"Hm?" He asks, still messing with the back of the baby's head. 

"St. Christopher's Primary Care on 5th says you can bring him in until about 6:00pm, but this is just for a few days." She informs him and he feels uneasy at taking him to a Catholic daycare. 

He didn't know what Laila's religious affiliation was, or if she even had one, so he didn't want to expose to the kid to something she would never be comfortable with. But, a voice in his head was telling him that it was just for a few days until he could figure something out, and chances were Elias wouldn't even remember it. 

"Okay, thanks Wanda." He inhales deeply. 

"Please come in on Monday so we can get you set up with full WIC benefits. I promise you will thank me even more later." She practically begs him and he nods, even though she can't see him. "How is Elias doing?" She prompts. 

"Better than me." He says and cringes at himself for it. 

"That's to be expected, but you're still here, doing it for him. He'll thank you one day." She encourages him, which doesn't do what she hoped but he gets off the phone with at least one major issue for the day off his chest. 

Less than an hour later, Bucky has Elias' bag packed with a change of clothes, diapers, and snacks for him throughout the day. Bucky lets Elias carry his giraffe as he totes him down the street to catch a taxi. While in the taxi, Elias stands on the seat between Bucky's legs to peer out of the window at the passing cars. Bucky talks to him in small sentences, but refuses to use a baby-voice because Bucky has convinced himself that not only does he sound dumb, it's not doing Elias any favors developmentally. 

Once at the daycare, which is a small building, but well kept, Bucky carries Elias inside where he's met by a young woman in a white shirt and black pants. She's wearing industrial boots and has her hair pinned back with a claw clip. She smiles at Elias softly and walks over with a wave. 

"You're Bucky, yes?" She asks and smiles wider when he nods nervously. "I'm MJ, so if you have any questions you can ask for me. I'll be in Elias' room for the day helping out with the other younger kids in his class." MJ has a large smile, and looks kind of young to be taking care of kids, but Bucky thinks that he'll just have to trust Wanda on this one. 

"You're catholic?" He asks, juggling Elias and his diaper bag hesitantly. 

MJ balks a little but quickly realizes the small amount of judgement in his tone. "No, I'm not." 

"Why are you working at a catholic daycare then?" He mumbles, taking in her appearance again. 

MJ shakes it off, smiling at Elias as he tries to intercept and speak. "That's right, Elias. Very good." Bucky notices that MJ doesn't dumb down her voice when speaking with Elias either. "While the name is St. Christopher, we do not practice Catholicism, sir. In actuality, I find the Catholic Church to be full of bigotry and don't even get me started on the priests." The entire time she speaks, she keeps a sarcastic grin on her face, which oddly puts Bucky at ease. 

"Why not change the name then?" He shrugs, letting Elias down as the baby gets excited and begins to struggle in his arms to be let go. 

"The owner of the property is Catholic, sir. Not the staff." She keeps a neutral tone and happily picks up Elias when he starts to claw at her legs. 

Bucky hands off the kid's bag to MJ, feeling a little better about the situation than he did on the ride here. 

"Okay, I'll be back before six to get him." He nods more to himself and MJ waves goodbye at him before taking Elias behind a set of double doors.

The last thing Bucky hears before turning around to leave is the excited shriek of Elias echoing off the walls. He sees the number to the daycare written on the sign on the doors outside and quickly puts it into his phone before walking down to the train station for his inevitably long ride to Rutgers. 

It takes about an hour and some change to get to his University, where he sits a few rows back at his Generic Physics course, but the entire time, all he can think about is stepping outside to call the daycare and check on Elias. What if he was hurt and they couldn't get ahold of him because he was an idiot and didn't leave his number with MJ? God, he was a fucking moron. 

The lecture flies by and he has about twenty minutes until he has to walk across campus to his next class, so he bites the bullet and makes the phone call. A man picks up instead, and that only feeds into the frenzy going on in his chest. 

"Where's MJ?" He panics.

"Who is calling?" The man deadpans, causing Bucky to become aggressive without meaning. 

"She's with my kid, put her on the phone." Bucky grits out and there's silence on the other end. He doesn't even have time to process the fact that he just referred to Elias his kid before the phone is clearly transferred to MJ. 

"Hello?" She pants out, almost as if she ran to the phone. 

"How is Elias? Is he alright?" He asks quickly. He doesn't hear any screaming or crying coming from the background, so he takes that as a good sign but he needs the confirmation. 

"He's down for a nap right now. We had snack about fifteen minutes ago. He's bonding really well with the other kids. He's fine, Bucky." She's saying all of the right things but Bucky can't help but still feel shaken.

"He has sleep apnea, you need to check on him a lot." He informs her but she stops him in the middle of starting another sentence.

"I have been made aware by Wanda and our nurse is right now the hall. Now, it's my turn to speak. It's my understanding that this is Elias' first time in daycare since being in your care so let me give you a little bit of advice." She offers in a kind tone that Bucky can tell is fake and she's actually just irritated with him.

"What?" He bluntly asks. 

"Don't torture yourself and don't call again." She clicks her tongue at him and he's about to protest when she says, "I promise, he is having fun. You are doing what you have to do for yourself right now. Relax, eat a bagel or whatever it is New Yorkers do, and breathe." 

The phone line goes dead and Bucky is about to leave to get on the soonest train when he lets MJ's words sink in. He can't live his entire life in fear when he never has before. He has classes to get through today. Classes that he will still be taking whenever Elias leaves his custody. 

In smaller terms, he needs to get a fucking grip. 

The rest of the day goes by slowly, because he's still thinking about Elias and how he's doing. A small thought pops into his head that maybe MJ was lying about Elias being fine, but he pushes that away because what reason would she have to lie? He's going insane, he fears. 

After his last class at 4:00pm ends, he catches the train back and stands in front of the daycare for a few minutes, and essentially breathing before walking inside to find MJ standing at the desk with Elias in her arms. 

"Our receptionist said he saw a crazed looking man standing outside hunched over like he was dying so I knew it had to be you." She jokes, handing Elias and his diaper bag off to Bucky happily. 

"Ha ha." He grunts, taking the baby from her. "Hey, buddy. Good day?" Bucky asks, feeling relief from the weight of Elias leaning his small body back on his chest. 

"A Xanax would take that anxiety away." She offers, stepping back behind the desk. 

Bucky subtly checks Elias for bruises, lifting the sleeves of his shirt up, as well as peering around his neck in a 360 degree turn. 

"We didn't use him as a kickball during recess today, if that's what you're wondering." MJ deadpans, squinting at him. 

Bucky finds himself nodding until he realizes that she was joking, and his face turns cold. 

"Look, I'm responsible for Elias which means that not even a scratch can happen on his skin. When he finds his forever home, or whatever the hell you call it, he's going to be in the same condition as when I got him." Bucky rants easily, feeling angry at the way MJ hung up on him earlier and made him seem ridiculous for caring. 

MJ nods simply at him before speaking her piece. "I think it's amazing that you want to protect him. Really, I do. He's an amazing kid. But, can I also tell you something else?" 

Bucky shrugs in response, feeling himself shrink a little from her intense gaze. 

"Elias is two. He's going to fall, maybe get a few bruises every now and again. Accidents happen. But, if you spend every minute of every day worrying yourself sick, you're not going to be around much longer to ensure that he gets the care he needs. So, for now, just enjoy the kid that you have in your arms right now. Let him grow, let him be a kid. Don't put him in a bubble. Kids can feel the stress radiating off of you and it makes them uncomfortable and unsure. And soon enough, you'll become so stressed that you'll end up taking it out on him. Stress makes you resentful and angry." She finishes off with a smile tucked sweetly on her small face. 

Bucky looks down at Elias who is still smiling, cheeks red from the exciting day. And Bucky realizes that he was the only one who didn't have a good day. He didn't want to take that away from Elias. Not if he could help it. 

"I'll see you both tomorrow." MJ waves briefly before disappearing back through the double doors. 

Bucky sighs and walks back outside with Elias in his arms before getting a taxi. 

Back inside the apartment, Bucky sits Elias down to play and wander as he normally does while he makes dinner for the both of them. Bucky gets Elias' some applesauce and some chicken and rice set out in his high chair before they both sit down and eat together. 

"How many friends did you make?" Bucky asks, handing Elias a plastic spoon to eat with. 

Elias holds out a hand, as if he's asking for a high five, and Bucky chuckles. 

"That many, huh?' Bucky asks before smacking Elias' hand with his. "You know, I was reading up about your name today and it says that Elias is the greek name for miracle worker. That's pretty cool, but a lot to live up to." Bucky shrugs a little as he looks over at the baby's face, now covered in rice. 

"You don't have to be anything other than yourself, okay buddy?" Bucky rubs at Elias' cheek to get the food off, knowing that it's just going to end up right back there anyway. Elias tries to bite Bucky's hand before the older man takes it away. 

Bucky eats his food, making small talk with Elias before cleaning him up a little and taking him out of his chair once dinner is over. Sam practically falls out of his room, walking into the kitchen with his eyes half closed. 

"Dinner?" He mumbles to himself and Bucky points at the microwave, where a plate of cold chicken and rice now resides. Sam goes into eating almost immediately, knowing he has to be back at work soon and Bucky leaves him to it. 

Bucky takes Elias to their room where they both get changed into PJs. Bucky crushes up a small pill and lets it dissolve into a bottle of milk to Elias before they both get comfortable in the bed. Bucky puts some cartoons on the television before he lays down right beside Elias. The kid is so entranced by the bright lights and moving shapes that he falls right out with the nipple of the bottle still in his mouth. 

Bucky moves him to his crib, but this time, he doesn't sit by the window watching Elias sleep. Now, he gets into his own bed, shuts the tv off, and thinks about what MJ said today. The words repeat over and over in his head until eventually, he goes to bed without all of the strenuous worry.