Letter 1
dear mommy pelosi,
i am so honored to be of service to you,
mlady. here in the south we don't have
females as beautiful as you nancy. can i call you nancy? you are such an icon. i remember in 6th grade i had to give a presentation on inspiring females in the communist run media, and i chose you. all the kids who bullied me chose the virgin mary, but i knew you were our savior. they threw rocks at me and my mother disowned me. i had to live under a bench in the park (not on top of it because Larry the rat from across the street owned that part) but i prevailed, nancy baby, because i am in love with you. now look at me: larry the rat died and i inherited all the benches. then the men in the funny trucks came (it was the government nancy) and i screamed your name but you never came. then they gave me the sexy juice and my dick fell off but it was ok because i didnt need it anyway, i only need you. and i guess we're just two hurt souls standing universes apart, but i love you. i enclose the two pennies i found under the
bench that i've been saving since 6th grade and my heart.
sincerely,
hermes the bench master
(damn liberal rats and their hedge funds)