TWELVE
After calling Wanda about their whereabouts, they had a peaceful dinner and that’s when Pepper decided to plan to throw a welcome party for Steve when Nat and Wanda get back. Everyone was inclined with the idea of a reason to gather everyone back again to celebrate this time. This got Pepper excited and so was Morgan something to take off their minds on losing Tony, though they all know that a party without him won’t be the same, having an excuse to see the others once again is something she couldn’t let go of, so off she went planning an intimate party and started contacting everyone.
After dinner and small talks about his adventure on time hopping, Steve found himself wandering around the cabin until he stopped at the lakeside where he found it most peaceful, and sat under the tree near it.
“That’s her favorite spot you know,” it was Bucky who broke the deafening silence, took his attention away from the moonlight shining on the lake, and gave him a timid smile.
“That’s where I would always find her with Wanda waiting for the sunset.”
“If only you could’ve seen her punk, she was so lost and so empty like she’d lost the will to live if it weren’t for Wanda being constantly on her side reminding her of the things she could still live for, she might’ve given up all those months ago.” The hurt and anger in Bucky’s voice are quite clear to him and the anger he felt for himself intensifies if it was even possible. He remained silent letting Bucky pour out all his anger, frustrations, and disappointments towards him. He knows that Bucky has all the right to be mad at him for leaving him behind after all he promised him that they’re in it till the end of the line.
Bucky sat beside him and he just looked at him apologetically, Bucky could sense the heavy guilt he was feeling and the anger and frustrations he felt for himself. He knew that he was beating up on himself with the decision he made and this made him feel sorry for him, but he has to hear what he has to say knowing that Natasha won’t be saying this to his face. He wanted to tell him what happened when he was not around, not to make him feel guilty, but for him to understand the gravity of the decision he made and how it affected him.
“You said you’re with me till the end of the line, what happened to that Steve? I know I could’ve said something when you told me about your plan, but I wanted you to come back on your own not because I told you to, but because you chose me and the family you were trying to leave behind. I was hoping you would choose us, but you didn’t you still left us. They may not say it, but I do know Steve you hurt all of us when you decided to choose that life with her and you most especially hurt Natalia, the one person who has been through a lot and despite not allowing herself to love or be attached to someone for the longest time still chose to love and be with you despite all the hesitation and trepidation she feels.” After pouring it all out Bucky was already shedding a tear and so was Steve they remained silent for a while until Steve said something.
“I’m sorry Buck, I’m sorry for causing you pain, all of you. I know there’s no excuse for me and all I can do now is apologize and try to mend what I broke. I will do anything and everything just to earn all of your forgiveness and I won’t stop until I’m forgiven.”
“I won’t make excuses for my actions Buck, I’m sorry for being a coward.” Steve solemnly apologized to him and he could see the surprised look on Bucky’s face.
“How does being a coward have something to do with your decision Steve? Why did you do it in the first place” he queried confusedly and Steve gave him another sad glance.
“After returning the five infinity stones, I thought I could bring Nat back once I returned the soul stone, I was even ready to trade my own life just to get hers back, but the red skull said that the exchange was permanent and nothing could be done my hopes died down after hearing that so I just dropped the stone and was brought to a place that was peaceful yet solemn with weird noises after a while I was brought back to the edge of the cliff with no red skull anywhere and that’s when I decided to go back to a time where the war has ended.”
“When I made that decision, all I could think about was I lost Natasha, that I could never see her again. That going back to this time only means losing her and that I have nothing else to live for, I know it isn’t true because you were still here and the rest of my family is still here, but I was blinded by my pain of losing her and I couldn’t face the thought of her not being by my side any longer.”
“I even planned on going to a timeline where I could see her and be with her again, but the thought of the other me not being able to meet the amazing woman that she is terrified me, and most of all the thought of losing her once again when it all comes down to what we’ve been through scared the hell out of me. I can’t face what’s ahead without her Buck. I just can’t live without her.” Steve sighed and Bucky stayed quiet listening to him knowing he was not done.
“I even tried to use Peggy just so I could try to forget about her, I was that selfish Buck. I could’ve ruined Peggy’s chance at life just because I was a coward. I was afraid of facing the future without her and thought that if I stay in the past the pain I’m feeling would eventually fade away.” He smiled at Bucky sadly and bitterly.
“What made you back then?” Bucky asked seriously. “This,” he pointed at his chest. “This has been telling me to go back ever since I got in that timeline, but I stubbornly ignored it, and now look where my stubbornness got me. It brought so much pain to the woman I love and the family I have. I ruined it, Buck I just hope it’s not too late for us.” He said with so much pain and regret and Bucky couldn’t be mad at him for long because he understood him. He understood that he was just trying to escape the pain but ended up hurting the people who loved and cared about him. He knows that time will heal all the wounds and he would help him repair the damage that has been done.
“Everything will be okay Steve, when Nat gets here just talk to her and make her understand she loves you too much I’m sure she’ll forgive you.” He reassured him, “though Wanda on the other might be a challenge, you hurt Nat so she won’t make it easy for you bud.” He warned him. When he turned and saw exhaustion written all over Steve’s face he held back his other warning for him and advised him to take some rest after helping him up his feet and started heading back to the cabin.
He was supposed to warn him about what he and Natasha saw that day when they tried to get him back. He wanted to tell him that Natasha saw them dance together and how pained her expression was looking at them. He supposed it was a tale for another day because he couldn’t bear to add more pain and guilt he was feeling now.
“You messed up Steve.” He thought to himself as he watched Steve’s retrieving figure enter Natasha’s room to get some rest. He hopes everything will go smoothly after he and Nat talk and finally get that life they both deserve.