He steps off the over crowded bus and takes a long look around. His hand mindlessy attempts to rub his left arm but is met with just air. His blood runs cold as he once again realizes he isnt the same. He is damaged, broken beyond repair. He hates himself. Wishes they would have never found him. Let him die there in the cold snow. But no, fate was cruel and let him survive, let him become the freak he is.
Yes James Barnes knows he is a freak. He see's it in the way people stare at him. How mothers will pull their child to the other side of the street, rather then be forced to walk by him. It's in the way the army looked at him with such disdain before dismissing him with a short "We can't use one-armed men." How other men on the street look at him with utter disgust before mumbling about how he shouldn't be let out to roam in society. Yes James Barnes was a freak.
He had hoped being back home would change his feelings, maybe make him a little whole again. But as he walked down the street, headed to his Ma's place, he saw in the looks of the faces passing by, that nothing had changed. Even here in Brooklyn, his city, he was still a freak. As he stood outside his childhood home he found it hard to knock. What if they too didn't want him. Thought him just a freak, thought it better to send him away. He slowly shakes his head and reminds himself this is his family. They will love him no matter what. And so he lets out a shaky breath and then plants three firm knocks on the door.
His feet shuffle side to side as he nervously awaits an answer. He doesn't wait long before the door is being ripped open and an excited looking Rebecca Barnes pulls her brother in for the tightest hug, he is almost sure, she has ever given him.
"James I've missed you so much!" Her giddy voice reaches his ears as she gives him another squeeze.
But at the feeling of her brothers body going rigid at her touch she slightly pulls back to look up at him, brows furrowed in confusion. As she takes in the sight of her brother for the first time since opening that door, her heart breaks. His eyes straight forward, a lost look in them, his body stiff against her arms, that are still wrapped around him. He holds himself different now.
She can't help but want to wrap her arms around him again, but instead she just smiles to him, "Right, so why don't you go put your suitcase in your room and then come down for some tea. I'm guessing you still know the way." Rebecca turns from her brother and makes her way to the kitchen. Bucky grabs his bag from the floor and takes the familiar path up the stairs and down the hall to his room.
Everything is the same as the day he shipped out. His ma not changing one thing. He shakes his head at her sentimentality. He tosses his bag on his bed and takes a deep long calming breath. It's tea with his Ma and Becca not the whole city of Brooklyn, so then why was he so nervous? He clumsily removes his jacket, his movements still awkward without the use of both arms, and then takes a long look at himself in the little mirror above his dresser.
His hand runs over his scruff face, he turns to each side taking in the full sight of him. He still looked like himself, minus the one arm of course, but he felt so vastly different. When he looked in the mirror he half expected a completely different man to stand before him. Bucky runs a tired hand down his face, sighing deeply. He takes one finally look in the mirror, straightening himself to look presentable, and then finally makes his way down stairs to the parlor, to join his sister and mother for tea.
As Bucky gets closer to the parlor he hears the sounds of laughter echoing from the room. He can't help but smile to himself, as his mind wanders back to simpler days. He slowly makes his way into the room his eyes landing on you in an instant. He can't help the fault in his step, when he stumbles to a stop at the sight of you sitting with his mother and Rebecca. Your head thrown back mid laugh, the soft light trickling in from the windows casting you in a golding glow only fit for angels.
He can't believe how much you've changed since last he saw you, of course that had been several years now, what with him off fighting in a war. But no, now that he thought about it, it had been longer then even that. He hadn't really seen you around much since he and Steve had started talking about enlisting. But now here you sit on his mothers couch, looking like a dream come to life, and he can't stop starring. He doesn't even know what to say after so long. He is afraid of what you might say once you see him. Oh god you're going to see him, he hates the thought of you looking at him like all the others. He knows he is a monster, he doesn't need your confirmation.
"James? Is that really you?" Your sing song voice cuts through the voices of self doubt in his head. Before he can either confirm or deny it is indeed him, you have made your way to him, your arms gently wrapping around him. His body stiffens at first before completely melting into your embrace. Your scent sending his senses into overdrive, as he tries to remember everything about this very moment.
The feel of your gentle arms around his neck, your soft skin leaving goosebumps as it rubs against his. The smell of your hair as his nose mindless finds it way, nestling in your locks before inhaling softly. He couldn't help but love the way you felt in his arms, or arm, you fit so perfectly like you had been made to be there. He didn't want to let you go. But sensing you are pulling back, he lets his arm drop away from your body, smiling softly as your eyes find one another.
"Hey Doll." His voice is much softer then you remember. Almost like he is unsure of himself. "It's..uh...been a while."
"Too long." Your voice seems so sure, in comparison to his. Could you really mean it? Had you missed him? "It hasn't been the same around here without you." Your looking up at him threw your lashes, and Bucky is finding it hard to swallow. Why is he being so awkward around you? Things had been easy with you before.
Actually now that he thinks about it, had he ever really paid you that much mind? You had always been his kid sister's bestfriend. He can remember you and Becca annoying him and Steve, but had he ever actually spent time getting to know you? Was he finally seeing you for the first time? Is that why his heart feels like it may explode out his chest at any moment? He's trying to swallow the lump in his throat, your just starring at him patiently waiting for him to answer, but he can't make it go down and he can't find his voice and he isn't sure what's going on with him anymore.
"James?" Your worried voice reaching his ears, finally gets his brain working. "You're big." Ok maybe not working, but trying to atleast. "I mean..." His face is red now as you look to him in complete shock. "You've grown up. I meant you've grown up. I'm sorry, just surprised." He waves his hand up in down infront of you as if to prove his point.
It's your turn to blush now. "Yes, I suppose we both got a surprise today."
Bucky is propped up in his bed, his mind racing of thoughts of you. How you had just instinctively took the seat to the right of him at tea, making it easier for him to reach your hand and you his. And from that, how you just seemed to know the right time to reach for his hand, and how much pressure to squeeze with. You consistently made sure to keep him part of the converstion, retelling stories of your childhood, making Bucky have no choice but to cut in a few times when your memory differed from his. And he didn't miss that proud little smile that would pop up but quickly hide, when he was forced to finally speak. He found himself easily bantering with you, and each time he got you to giggle, he couldn't help but notice the proud smiled he would sport before quickly hiding as well.
He didn't know how, but you had made him feel more like himself in one afternoon, then he had in almost an entire year. You had made him feel normal. Like he wasn't broken beyond repair, like he wasn't a monster, He was just him. You looked at him like he hadn't changed, and that set his heart to pounding again.
Bucky had been home for a few weeks now, and you had become a normal staple in his days. Arriving to join his mother and Rebecca for tea every afternoon. After failing to get out of joining you three on four separate occasions, he now just joins, knowing that he really has no other choice. And if Bucky was really honest with himself, he actually enjoys the time he gets to spend with you.
So today when you don't show up, he can't help but be a little disappointed. His mind running all through afternoon tea. Was he the reason for your absence? Had you only felt obligated to be nice to him, but now it was too much? Too much because he is a monster, he was a monster and you now saw it. Or maybe you always had.
"James?" His Mother's questions pulls him from his thoughts.
His eyes finding hers, seeing the worry in them.
"Sorry, I..."
"She's running a little late today, she'll be her in a little bit." Winnifred smiled into her tea cup, Bucky's head snapping to hers has her sighing. "You think I can't tell what love looks like?"
Bucky is panicking now. If his mother could tell then surely so could you and that must be the reason for you're absence. You have discovered his dark secret and are repulsed that someone like him could ever think they have a chance with someone like you.
The sound of you shoes against the hard wood floors, brings him from his daze. He looks up just as you as walking thru the doors threshold. Your tired face turning to a bright smile at the sight of him. Okay, maybe Bucky was wrong, maybe you aren't repulsed by him. You quickly make your way to the seat closest to Bucky, Winnnifred's voice reaching you as you take your seat.
"How did the interview go?"
"Interview?" Bucky looks to you in question.
You blush softly, Rebecca's quickly answering for you, "She had an interview at the cannery."
"Since both Mom and Dad are gone now I've had to make my own way, jobs aren't that easy to come by and the cannery pays pretty well. So when I heard they had an opening I applied. I think the interview went ok, though the boss is a bit touchy for my liking." Bucky closed and opened his right fist a few times upon hearing your last remark.
Bucky didn't know who this boss was, but he didn't like him. Didn't like the thought of his hands on you either. Unless he was offering a friendly handshake, he should keep his hands to his damn self. Bucky cleared his throat and softend his gaze as he looked to you, "I didn't realize things where so tough doll."
"Yea, well my fault. I should have married but I guess I was always stuck on this guy who never saw me as more then just a kid." The smile that graces your lips has Bucky smirking.
"Sounds like a total idiot."
"Oh he is, still can't take a hint."
Bucky can't help the small gasp at your last confession, he looks around the room and realizes his mother and Rebecca have some how left, undetected. He looks back to you his eyes slowly finding your lips before again seeking out your eyes. "Can I kiss you doll?"
"Please..." is all Bucky needed to hear before his lips crashed to yours. After a few moments of awkward kissing, you gently pushed on his chest, making him sit back then quickly climbed into his lap and wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him back down into the kiss. The new position now gave Bucky's right hand the freedom to roam your body. At the realization of what you had done Bucky fell even harder for you.
This was why he loved you, you always just seemed to now what to do to make things easier for him, without making him feel useless or like less of a man. You where kind and cared about him, and god did he love you for loving him. "Does this mean you'll be mine doll?" Bucky asks against your lips.
You sigh contently, pulling back and resting your hand gently on his check as you smile softly to him, "Oh Bucky I always have been."