Chapter 19
It only gets worse before it gets better.
Sounds cliché right? When it comes to taking depression meds its true. So… so true.
Like most medicine it’s a guessing game but when you’re trying to figure out the right drug cocktail to balance out brain chemistry it an even more guessing.
It wasn’t my first time doing this thought it was the first time I have six round the clock nannies and an AI making sure I was taking my pills at the right time every day. With any medication I couldn’t just start taking any random dose and stick to that. It starts small and gradually the dose was increased until it was determined that I was experiencing some positive results. If after some time there was no improvement, we would start all over.
Week One…
The first three days I didn’t really notice anything. There was no big change. My mood was… well I wasn’t jumping off any roofs but I also wasn’t a ray of sunshine.
Everyone was treating me like I was going to snap at any second so to avoid the concerned looks I stayed in my room. Of course that only worked for about the first day. After that Steve and Natasha nagged me to show up to meals and sit down while they tried to make small talk.
Mostly it was them telling me about what they learned about depression from google.
Bruce got a kick out of explaining brain chemistry to everyone.
Clint was a bit more subtle though. He would show up in my room in between meals and play random games on his phone or through Jarvis’ holograms while I sat in my corner or desk and read whatever I happened to be reading. He’d talk. He’d talk a lot. Mostly commentating on whatever game he was playing and whether he was doing well or not.
I mostly just answered with a ‘Hm’
He was patient, I had to give him that. He just sat and watched me do nothing. Guess he had a ton of practice because of his job.
Then there was Tony.
You know those tasty green juice smoothies he loved making himself in the movies? They weren’t that tasty in real life. I mean they were edible they just weren’t something anyone alive would ever crave.
It was because of those smoothies that I figured out what those not fun pills I was prescribed did to me.
Let’s just say the exorcist had nothing on me on Day 3.
It takes weeks to see any improvement but symptoms tend to show up during the first week. On day three I woke up to Tony walking in with a green smoothie.
“Morning sunshine.” Tony greeted placing the smoothie on my nightstand.
“Morning people should be shot.” I said.
“Someone’s cranky.” He commented.
I reached over to my nightstand and popped open the pill bottle slipping one tiny 50 mg pill into the palm of my hand before closing the bottle. I washed it down with a few quick sips of that really bitter and sour smoothie.
“Lemonade?” I asked what he had added to try and make it better this morning.
“Apples.” He said. “Too much.”
“Really sour.” I said feeling my stomach grumble. The only reason I was even drinking these smoothies was because I wasn’t supposed to take the pills on an empty stomach but I wasn’t a breakfast person and Tony and I had been lectured by Steve and Bruce on more than one occasion coffee is not breakfast.
“Should have used the red apples.” Tony said.
“Yeah.” I said knowing that probably wouldn’t have helped much. I felt a bit nauseous but I thought maybe it was gas or the pills.
“Breakfast will be ready in ten.” Tony said. “French toast.”
“Yum.” I said getting out of bed. My stomach was in knots but I ignored it and went through with my routine. I put on some leggings and a cropped wrap knotted sleeveless top.
I headed downstairs before one of them decided to come up and carry me down. It had happened before.
“Morning.” Bruce said.
“Hey.” I said going straight to the coffee but Clint beat me to it. He just smirked before passing me a mug with my coffee already made the way I liked it. I took a sip but it didn’t taste the way it normally did.
In fact for the first time since I was a kid coffee tasted gross.
“Did I make it okay?” Clint asked just looking at me strangely.
“Yeah. It’s just hot.” I said thanking him before sitting down.
Soon we were all sitting down eating. They were all talking about some plans to try and track down the scepter. Natasha wanted to head to Sokovia to do some recon in the area. I was kind of in and out of it not really paying attention. I took a bite of a strawberry and felt pretty gross so I stopped eating.
“Hanna why don’t we…” Steve started when suddenly the nausea wasn’t just nausea anymore and I remembered why this medication didn’t work for me.
“Shit.” I cursed jumping out of chair and running to the closest bathroom except with how big this mansion was I didn’t make it so I settled for the next best thing. A very tasteful and probably really expensive vase.
“Whoa!” Tony said.
“Buah!” I puked out the few bites of breakfast and the smoothie I had forced down.
“Let it out.” Natasha said appearing behind me holding my hair back and gently rubbing my back.
It took a few minutes before I finally ran out of stuff to cough up when I did I sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.
“Now I remember. These are the ones that make me puke.” I said. “Sorry about the vase.”
“It’s fine. It’s not the first time that happens.” Tony said.
“You sure it wasn’t that green sludge?” Clint said and just the thought of it made me puke again.
“Not helping.” Natasha said giving him a pointed look silently threatening everyone to shut up or else.
I spent the next few days trying and failing to keep anything down. By day five I was constantly nauseous and I had called Elaine to see if there was anything I could do. She suggested taking the pill before bed.
So now I was puking all night.
I was sleeping in the bathroom so the morning of my second therapy session that’s where Tony found me.
“Whoa…” Tony said.
“I feel like shit.” I groaned.
“You’re not looking too hot either.” Tony said kneeling down as I laid on my side.
“I’m not hungry.” I said before he even suggested it.
“I figured but uh… that’s not why I’m here. We have an appointment.” He said.
“Right.” I said sitting up.
“You sure you’re up for this?” Tony said.
“I’m fine. It’ll pass.” I said.
“Well I brought you another smoothie…” He said and barely managed not to gag.
“I think water is a better idea.” I said.
“You haven’t eaten in days.” He said sounding worried.
“I’m sorry it’s a bit hard to eat while I’m fighting the urge to throw up constantly.” I snarked before I saw the worried look in his eyes. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I get hangry too.” He said. “Maybe it’s time to try something else?”
“I asked but I was told to wait it out. Maybe if I puke on her feet she’ll change her mind.” I said.
“Maybe.” Tony said helping me up. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
So I got dressed in the first thing I found in my closet which happened to be a black wrap romper with a plunging neckline. I put on a sunhat and some shades and a pair of gladiator sandals. My hair was in a messy side fishtail braid just in case I needed to puke again. Better safe than sorry. Once I had a few bracelets and a necklace on I went downstairs.
“A little snack for the road.” Natasha said tossing me a banana that I didn’t catch but Tony did.
“Thanks.” Tony said as they exchanged looks.
The drive was silent and the waiting room was even quieter. Tony was fidgeting. I flipped through the same travel magazine as the week before.
“Does Venice smell?” I asked. “You know with the canals? I feel like it would probably have a smell.”
“Not really. I don’t know its been a while.” Tony said. “We should go sometime.”
“Doubt that’s going to happen.” I said. “I don’t even have a passport.”
“We should really get someone on that.” He said.
“There are more important things to do.” I said.
“Mister Stark.” The receptionist called Tony.
“See you in 45.” I said.
“I can wait until…” he started.
“Go.” I said not looking up from my magazine. I heard Tony sigh before he walked down the hall. It was only a few minutes later that I was called in.
I let myself fall on the couch and laid back.
“Glad to see you’re comfortable.” Elaine said amused.
“I have a headache, probably from not being able to eat because I’m super nauseous and anything I do eat or drink I throw up.” I said.
“Side effects huh?” She said. “Have you tried…”
“Taking them before bed?” I said. “Fun little known side effect of those pills you gave me. Insomnia. I was already an insomniac beforehand so that just made it worse with the added effect of being up all night throwing up.”
“So it’s been a rough week?” Elaine asked and I just gave her a look.
“Before therapy I didn’t really enjoy a lot of things. I enjoyed drinking. Eating and sleeping. They took away my drinks which helped me sleep, These pills make it so I can’t even have a bite of food without feeling sick and now I can’t even be in bed because I’m up all night puking.” I said.
“Most of the side effects go away after a few weeks…” She said.
“No.” I said. “And I just really not feeling this today so I’m just going to nap on your couch.”
“We should talk about your homework.” Elaine said.
“I like the fact that no matter how drunk I’ve gotten I’ve never puked, My amazing memory and my great sense of humor.” I said.
“Okay.” She said. “Should we elaborate on those?”
“No. Let me know when my 45 minutes are up.” I said taking a cushion and putting it over my face.
Elaine didn’t say anything just hummed and jotted down some notes.
I didn’t really nap but it was nice to just let my mind go blank. Once the 45 minutes were up she let me go but not before giving me another prescription for anti nausea medication.
Week 2…
“Well The anti-nausea medication made it possible for me to get some sleep. The nausea wasn’t completely gone but I could at least take three bites before it got bad enough to throw up. It did however mess with my appetite so I didn’t get hungry… like at all.
So half way through the week I was coming down the stairs when everything went black.
“Hanna” Steve said shaking me.
“Ow.” I groaned.
“Are you okay?” He said.
“Yeah.” I said. “Head hurts. What happened?”
“You fell down the stairs.” Steve said as I sat up.
“I guess I did.” I said standing up and feeling a bit lightheaded. “I think I need to go lay down.”
“Maybe you should go see a doctor.” He said.
“Yeah cause what I really need are more pills.” I said. “I’ll sleep it off. I’ll be fine after a nap.”
“Hanna..” he said with his lecture voice.
“Stop worrying.” I said heading up the stairs carefully.
That night…
I came down for dinner not feeling any better. As soon as I sat down they were all on me.
“You fell down the stairs?” Natasha said.
“Hey nice to see you too, how was your day, it was great thanks for asking.” I said.
“Cut the shit.” Clint said.
“Language.” Steve said.
“Really?” Tony said.
“Can I go back to my room yet?” I said.
“No.” They all answered before Bruce put a plate of food in front of me.
“Thanks.” I said and for some reason it tasted amazing. Bruce and Steve did most of the cooking. Clint helped too but they did more of the heavy lifting. They had made spaghetti before but it just tasted so freaking good. “Mhmm. This is amazing. New recipe?”
“Same one.” Steve said.
“Are you sure?” I said just shoveling the food down.
“Hanna did you eat at all today?” Bruce said.
“Uh…” I said thinking back. I drank some tea and water but I couldn’t remember eating anything. “Don’t remember.”
“You don’t remember?” Clint said.
“I don’t really get hungry.” I said.
“You fainted because you didn’t eat.” Tony said. “Jarvis how long has this been going on for?”
“It appears that since Miss Marin started her new medication.” Jarvis said.
“Guess it makes sense. I can’t puke if there isn’t anything to cough up.” I said.
“That isn’t healthy.” Steve said.
“Obviously.” I said shoveling more food into my mouth. “I don’t remember spaghetti being this good.”
Of course by the next bite I felt sick again so the happy moment was short lived.
Week 5…
“Alright It’s been more than enough and It’s time to call it. The pills aren’t working.” Elaine said.
“You don’t say.” I answered sitting across from her on the couch with my legs crossed wearing black tee and a dark grey hoodie while my hair was in a messy bun. To say I had let myself go would be an understatement.
I was too tired to care about looking nice.
“Your mood has obviously not improved.” She said.
“I think the booze made me easier to be around than these pills.” I said.
“That’s okay there are other things we can try.” Elaine said. “Now I’m going to write you a prescription for Prozac. Now the side effect…”
Week 7…
Two weeks later and I didn’t feel nauseous anymore. I didn’t feel hungry, or angry or sad. I didn’t feel anything. At all.
I forgot how strong the zombie pills are.
It was nice though. Not worrying about anything. Not feeling anything about anything. After months of my emotions being all over the place this felt nice.
Of course not everyone felt the same about my… zombie-ness.
“Blondie.” Tony said trying to get my attention. I was at the table staring at the strawberry on my fork admiring all the seeds and paying attention to the change of red to slightly white on top.
“Hanna?” Natasha said.
Maybe the leaves didn’t let the fruit get enough sunlight.
“Hey.” Clint said gently tapping two fingers on my arm.
“Hm?” I said finally looking away from counting the seeds on the berry.
“Did you hear what we were saying?” Tony asked. “About Fury?”
“Uh…” I said not remembering anything.
“He’ll be here for lunch. To make plans?” Natasha said.
“Sure.” I said looking down at my plate.
“Are you feeling okay?” Steve asked.
“Mhm.” I said. Everyone just exchanged looks. “The strawberry is good.”
“Good to know.” Tony just said going along with it. “You want more.”
I thought about it, was I still hungry.
“No thank you.” I said.
“Do you want to go out today? Maybe go to the spa?” Natasha suggested I slowly chewed my last bite of food as I thought about it.
“Maybe tomorrow. I could use a nap.” I said.
“O-kay…” She said giving Clint a look.
“I’ll take that.” Clint said taking my plate.
“Thanks.” I said before getting out of my chair and heading back to my room.
Once I was out of earshot…
“What the hell was that?” Steve said.
“Language.” Tony teased. “She’s doing better. She’s eating.”
“You call that better?” Natasha said.
“It’s a side effect of her new medication. It’ll take some time for her body to get sued to it and level out.” Bruce said.
“And in the mean time she’ll just be a zombie?” Clint asked.
“It takes time.” Steve said sounding unsure.
“Well she’s not cranky though I am starting to miss drunk Hanna.” Tony said.
“Really?” Steve said.
“Oh we were all thinking it.” Tony said and Natasha shrugged and nodded in agreement.
“You mean the days where she would stare at the edge of the roof and wonder whether risking falling into another universe was worth it?” Clint retorted.
“Guys this is just temporary.” Bruce said.
“We don’t even know if this will work long term. Hanna mentioned trying a bunch of things that never worked this included but at least she’s still trying.” Tony said.
“We need to wait it out.” Natasha said.
Around Lunch Time…
It was around one that I woke up from my nap thanks to Jarvis reminding me it was time to eat again and also that Fury was here.
Why the hell was he here again?
“Mhmm.” I groaned getting out of bed. I didn’t know what day of the week it was let alone where in the timeline we were. Hell if it was even the same time line.
I knew I there should be something coming up soon. I had this annoying nagging feeling that there was something important I needed to do but I couldn’t remember what. Everything was sort of foggy.
“Good of you to join us Miss Marin.” Fury said.
“Mhmm.” I hummed taking my seat between Natasha and Steve.
“As I was saying we’ve been trying to discretely track down the scepter. The castle in Sokovia you mention was empty. There was no one there besides a band of mercenaries working for local rebel groups.” Fury said.
“Makes sense you said the scepter wouldn’t be in Sokovia until 2014 0r 2015 right?” Tony asked.
“That’s what I said.” I said trying to remember when I said that.
“So where was it before that?” Fury asked.
“I don’t know.” I said.
“You don’t know?” Fury said getting more and more frustrated.
“After New York the next time it shows up is Sokovia after the whole… SHIELD… Hydra… Bucky thing.” I said.
“That’s more than two years unaccounted for.” Natasha said. “Do you remember any names or people that were there? Maybe we find the scepter by finding them.”
“Uh…” I said trying to remember. “I remember a guy that dies after you get it back.”
“A guy?” Clint asked.
“Can you narrow that down a bit?” Tony said.
“The guy…” I said trying to remember. He had a very distinctive name. “Uh… He has a face… had a bit of an accent… and I think he wore glasses.”
“You think?” Fury said not at all happy with that answer. “We’ve been chasing our tails for months.”
“It’s kind of fuzzy.” I admitted.
“You know everything about these five, every conversation word for word but the actual things that actually matter. Things that might actually help take these bastards down….” Fury started shouted.
“Hey ease up.” Tony said.
“Do you not remember how much…” He started and I kind of zoned out at that point. I remember some yelling, some witty banter… and the pattern on the granite countertops in the kitchen, I traced the grooves with my finger until…
“Hanna.” Natasha said making me snap out of it.
“Hm?” I said looking up.
“You want to take another nap. You look tired.” She said giving me a small reassuring smile.
That was a total load of crap. They were totally going to talk about me one I was gone but a nap… that sounded nice.
“Yeah. That sounds nice.” I said getting out of my chair and heading upstairs.
Once I was gone…
“Is she seriously stoned right now?” Fury said frustrated.
“She’s not stoned.” Bruce said.
“Not on purpose.” Clint corrected.
“Her new meds are… strong.” Tony said.
“Meds? For what?” Fury said.
“Let’s just say its been a rough adjustment for her.” Steve said.
“What’s that supposed to mean? We’re in this mess because of her.” Fury said.
“Hey easy.” Tony said. “Hanna fell into another universe that’s almost identical to hers, and this universe version of her parents are not exactly what she expected and it threw her off.”
“You let her meet her parents?!” Fury said. “I left her with you five for a month and you broke the kid?! Do you ever think that maybe there was a reason I kept her confined?” Fury said.
“You were keeping her locked up.” Natasha said.
“I was keeping her focused. Easing her into this new world she knows both too much and too little of.” Fury said. “She was an asset to us but as she is now she can’t help us.”
“She just needs time…” Steve said.
“That’s time we don’t have.” Fury said.
“We know more than we would have known without Hanna.” Tony said. “We’ll figure something out.”
“And how many people are going to get hurt in the meantime?” Fury said.
Late that Night…
The bad thing about being sleepy all the time is that eventually your bed starts to feel uncomfortable. I tossed and turned for a few hours before realizing I wasn’t even tired.
Giving up on sleep I decided to go downstairs and watch some Tv.
I wasn’t really paying attention but the late night informercials were good background noise. I briefly considered going downstairs to see what Tony was doing but according to Jarvis he was actually sleeping.
That was a surprise but just because I wasn’t making any progress didn’t mean he wasn’t.
It was a while later that I was distracted by a spider crawling on the wall near the TV. I was trying to figure out where it had come from when Clint walked in.
“Hey.” He said.
“Hm.” I said not looking away from the spider I had decided to name Charlotte.
“You’re up late.” He said.
“Too many naps.” I mumbled still looking at the wall.
“You okay?” Clint asked looking to the wall to see what was so interesting about it.
“Uhuh.” I said.
“Mind if I sit?” He said but at that point I was zoned out and focusing on trying to find Charlotte’s web.
I was laying on the couch pretty much hogging all the space so cling gently nudged me to sit up so he could sit before grabbing a cushion to put on his lap so I could lay back again.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked after a while.
“Are you asking me that because I’m a zombie?” I said not bothering to look at him. Charlotte had crawled away and I wanted to know where.
“Uh you know…” he said sounding unsure of how to say it.
“It’s not my first time taking…” I said trying to remember the name. “This.”
“Right.” He said. “They’re strong.”
“They are.” I said. “It’s kind of nice.”
“You like being this… stoned?” He asked.
“You wouldn’t understand.” I said.
“Try me.” Clint said.
“Hm…” I said staring at the wall trying to find the words to explain in in a way that wouldn’t make me seem like a neurotic headcase. Well more than I already was. “It’s like… being stuck in the middle of everything and everyone. There’s always a fire to put out. You put one out and then there two new ones and that happens over and over again and it gets louder you’re drowning in it. You can barely hear yourself think and then suddenly everything goes quiet. The world becomes white noise and you’re floating.”
“Floating?” Clint said.
“It’s like sensory overload. I’ve always been either drowning and depressed and the few good times there have ever been I was on top of the world. Rarely happened. There was no in between I felt too much or not enough and then the anxiety that came with that and trying to fix everything because I couldn’t fix me. I couldn’t breathe so with the pills it’s like turning it all off.” I answered. “No feelings, no worries just… floating along.”
“Sounds kind of nice.” Clint admitted as he gently started running his fingers through my hair.
“It is.” I mumbled. Though it wasn’t without its drawbacks. My normally amazing memory did not work when I was like this. And I wasn’t great to be around when I was like this. It used to annoy the crap out of my friends. They tried but you can’t really talk to someone who doesn’t care about anything and can’t even care enough to fake it.
“I get it. Wanting to turn it off.” He said. “It felt that way when Loki… I was there and I knew what I was doing… what he was making me do and I knew it was wrong but I didn’t feel like it was. I was just there watching and going with the motions but when Nat snapped me out of it, it hit me all at once.”
“Hm…” I hummed. “That happens. Always does. And you feel worse than before.”
“Is that what happened to you?” He asked.
I didn’t answer. Things were bad before but when I finally quit the pills and snapped out of it I was all alone. Like I said it wasn’t easy to be around a zombie.
He didn’t push me to talk he just sat there still playing with my hair. I zoned out for a while before I said something.
“What are you doing?” I asked making Clint stop moving his fingers.
“Sorry,” He said moving his hand away.
“It okay. Feels nice.” I said going back to staring at the tv.
With the muffled noise from the infomercial and Clint playing with my hair I kind of dozed off. It wasn’t until I felt my pillow move that I grabbed onto the sweats Clint was wearing stopping him from moving.
“Whoa sorry.” He said. “Leg fell asleep.”
“Mhmm.” I hummed sitting up hugging the pillow waiting for Clint to get up but to my surprise he didn’t. Instead he put an arm around me and let me curl up into his side.
The Next Morning…
Steve being the only real morning person in the house was the first person to come downstairs. He heard the TV on but to his surprised no one was watching it. Instead Clint and Hanna were asleep on the couch. Hanna curled up into Clint’s side and Clint with his arm around her and resting his head on Hanna’s.
He smiled before turning of the TV before going to get started on breakfast. Bruce was next who just looked at the two off them asleep before going to get his morning tea.
Next came Natasha and Tony. Tony was dead to the world before his coffee and at first didn’t notice them but once he was in the kitchen and he noticed everyone kept glancing at the living room.
“What’s everyone looking at?” Tony said.
“SH!” they all shushed him before gesturing at him to take a look.
“Is that…” He started.
“Yeah.” Steve said.
“How’d that happen?” Tony said.
“They were like that when we came down.” Natasha said.
“Should we wake them up?” Bruce asked as they watched them sleep while sitting up. “That cannot be comfortable.”
“I don’t hear them complaining.” Steve said.
“But Clint won’t shut up if his back starts acting up.” Natasha said pouring a cup of coffee before going to set it down on the coffee table in front of Clint. Then she nudged his foot waking him up.
“Wha…” He started before Hanna groaned clinging to him.
“Morning.” Natasha said.
“Hey…” he said finally realizing Hanna was still next to him. “It’s not what it looks like?”
“Pillow no.” Hanna mumbled.
“SH…” He hushed carefully slipping out of Hanna’s grasp while gently laying her down comfortably on the couch.
“How’d you sleep?” Natasha asked with a smirk.
“Couldn’t So I came down and found Hanna watching infomercials.” Clint said sipping his coffee.
“Is she having trouble sleeping?” Bruce asked concerned.
“She slept all day.” Natasha reminded him.
“Did she say anything about remembering who the guy with the face is?” Tony asked.
“She didn’t really say much.” Clint said choosing not to mention her feelings about being stoned. She had trusted him with that and he respected that.
“What are we going to do about Hydra?” Steve said.
“We’ll figure something out.” Tony said.
“We’re losing time and…” he started.
“We’re not losing time. We have time we wouldn’t have had if Hanna hadn’t warned us.” Natasha said.
“And in the meantime who knows what Hydra is doing.” Steve said.
“Are you worried about Hydra or Bucky?” Natasha said.
“Wha…” Steve said blindsided and feeling flustered.
“Your buddy waited 70 years he can wait until we figure this all out.” Tony said.
“Tony it isn’t his fault…” Steve started.
“I don’t care.” Tony said looking to the living room to make sure Hanna was still asleep. “I care about her and right now she’s the priority.”
“Of course but we can’t forget about…” Steve started.
Hanna’s POV…
I was having the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a while. The couch was a lot more comfortable than it looked. Unfortunately that didn’t last.
Someone was being loud. Too loud. I woke up to Tony and Steve fighting in the kitchen. I really hope that didn’t mean I screwed up the timeline so bad I cause civil war four years too early.
“She can’t help us! Hydra is out there doing god knows what and Hanna can’t even remember anything besides a guy with a face!” Steve shouted.
“You don’t care about Hydra you have a one track mind when it comes to getting your bestie back.” Tony said.
“He’s been their prisoner for…” He started.
“Steve.” Natasha interrupted as she noticed me.
“Uh.” Bruce said looking at me like a deer in the headlights.
“We can’t help Hanna. She might be too far gone but Bucky needs our help.” Steve said.
“Cap!” Clint said a bit more firmly getting his attention and finally noticing I had heard him.
“Hanna…” Steve started.
I ignored him and went for the coffee pot dumping a generous amount of creamer and sugar in it before going back to the living room to watch some Tv.
I wasn’t mad. He hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true. I was a lost cause but Bucky needed help.