Chapter 20
Week 10…
Since Steve’s confession about me being a lost cause he had been doing everything he possibly could to get back in my good graces. He would make all of my favorite foods, he’d go across town for donuts and ice cream.
It was really nice of him too bad I was still emotionally numb to everything and couldn’t care even the slightest bit. Though I did know I wasn’t actually mad at him. He was being honest and it wasn’t a lie I was not getting better and chances are I was a lost cause.
The same could not be said for Tony who had decided to be mad on my behalf. He and Steve could not be in the same room without arguing. It had gotten so bad that Bruce was actively avoiding them both for fear of Hulking out.
The Morning of our weekly therapy appointment Tony had decided to wake me up early and took me out for breakfast. I had to give it to the guy, he never stopped trying.
“Crunchy French toast.” He said reading the menu. “What makes it crunchy?”
“Corn flakes.” I said reading thru the menu and Tony just gave me a look. “I was a foodie in another universe.”
“She speaks.” Tony said.
“Huh?” I asked confused.
“This is the first time in weeks I’ve heard you say a complete sentence.” He said.
“Is it too early for a mimosa?” I said.
“And you’re making jokes.” He said and I just stared at him like he was an alien. I was being completely serious. Maybe therapy would be more fun if I was drunk. “Or not kidding… Let’s stick to coffee.”
“Mhm.” I hummed just going along with it.
Third Person’s POV…
Tony and Hanna were in the waiting room like they were every week. He had never thought he’d end up in therapy. The army doctors that looked after him after he had gotten out of the cave had strongly pushed him talking to someone but he brushed them off. Pepper had nagged him constantly about going but he ignored her or deflected. That was one of the main reasons things between them hadn’t worked out.
But Hanna… The girl that had literally crashed into him had gotten him there. He cared about her. She understood him in a way no one else really did. Probably because she knew everything about him, things he had never told anyone else but even then she never pushed him to talk about it.
When he had met her she seemed happy albeit scared considering she was in another universe. She was witty and gave as good as she got but behind that façade was a someone who had given up on life. She was sad but she was still trying until he pushed her into meeting the new version of her family and pushed her over the ledge. He had broken her and no she was just a shell of the girl he had met.
So that was how he ended up in therapy. If there was a chance he could somehow get that Hanna back he’d waste an hour a week for the rest of his life to do it. That girl was still there. He could see glimpses of it sometimes even if it was drowned out by the highly medicated depressed zombie he had been living with.
“Mister Stark, you can go in now.” The nurse said.
Every time he got called in he was worried Hanna would make a break for it and do something she couldn’t take back but she hadn’t. She had kept up her end of the deal if he went to therapy so did she so every time he said the same thing they said to each other every week.
“See you in 45.” Tony said smiling.
Hanna didn’t look away from the magazine or even acknowledge she had heard him. Tony walked into his therapists office. His guy, John was older, Around the same age Howard had been when he died. The though made chills run down Tony’s back.
He was not in the mood to try and delve into those issues again.
“Good morning Tony.” John said.
“Doc.” Tony said sitting down.
“How was your week?” John asked.
“Oh the usual.” He answered exactly the same as he always did.
“So you’re still arguing with your housemates?” he asked.
“Just the one.” Tony said.
“And are you both arguing about how he compares you to your father or is it about your mutual friend?” John asked.
“Does it really matter?” He said.
“It’s been weighing on you a lot.” John said. “Almost as much you worrying about Hanna.”
“Well if Hanna wasn’t so stoned I’m pretty sure she’d feel the same way I do.” Tony said.
“Would she?” John said.
“Of course she would.” Tony said.
“You’ve known Hanna for a few months and most of that she hasn’t really been herself. You’ve said so yourself.” John said.
“That doesn’t matter.” Tony said.
“You two immediately bonded because she could see the real you. The one only those nearest and dearest who have known you for years know.” He said.
“Are you trying to tell me she played me?” he said.
“No I’m saying if she understood you so well after knowing you for only a few weeks maybe she also knows the others. Maybe she understands why Steve is the way he is. If there is anyone that can understand what waking up in another world is like it’d be her.” John said.
Tony thought about it for a minute.
“He’s still wrong.” Tony said.
“How are things with Hanna?” John said.
“She’s… I don’t know. She’s still pretty out of it but she isn’t zoning out as much.” Tony said. “Most of the time it’s like talking to a wall though she has her moments. Like this morning we went out for breakfast and she joked about getting a mimosa. I’m not entirely sure if she was kidding or not but that’s progress. She said actual words instead of grunting.”
“That’s progress.” He said. “It takes time.”
“It’s been more than two months.” Tony said.
“Some people need years.” John said. “How have you been sleeping?”
“Good.” Tony said.
“How many hours are you getting a night?” He asked not completely buying it.
“Not the full eight but a solid five… most nights.” Tony said.
“And the nights you don’t?” John asked.
“I get some work done and eventually crash.” Tony said.
“Because you’re still having nightmares about New York.” John said making Tony clench his fists.
“It’s nothing I can’t handle.” He said.
“We’ve talked about everything and everyone but the real problem.” John said.
“New York happened. It was bad but I’m alive and I even found my soulmate. Can’t complain.” Tony said.
“You flew a bomb through a wormhole fully expecting not to make it back.” John said.
“But I did and I even got to bring Hanna back.” Tony said.
“Admitting it was a horrible experience won’t take away the fact that you found her Tony.” He said.
“If I hadn’t been there she would have died and she wanted to die.” Tony finally admitted out loud the one thought that had he had been bouncing around in his head for months. The one that kept him up at night. The reason he worked day and night to build a suit for every possible scenario.
“But she didn’t.” John said. “I understand how terrifying it is to lose someone you care about like that much less a soulmate but she is still alive and maybe she isn’t at her best she’s still here and she’s trying. That says a lot don’t you think.”
“It’s my fault she’s here in the first place. If I hadn’t pushed her to meet with them she wouldn’t have…” Tony started.
“Has anyone ever told you, you have a hyper inflated sense of self-importance?” John said.
“I’ve been called a lot of things.” He said. “That one may have been thrown out there.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you Tony. It’s not your job to fix everything and while maybe seeing them pushed Hanna over the edge that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have happened for some other reason down the line.” John said. “You can’t think about the what ifs, it’ll drive you crazy. Focus on the here and now. You’re both still here and she’s trying, she even got you here.”
“Don’t remind me. She probably thinks she has me wrapped around her finger.” Tony grumbled though the thought of it didn’t actually bother him.
“She’s making you get help and take care of yourself so I wouldn’t think of it as a bad thing.” John said.
That’s when it clicked.
She was completely against going to therapy until he said he’d go to. She continued going so long as he did too.
“Son of a bitch.” Tony said.
Meanwhile…
I was back on my least favorite couch yet again.
“You seem better.” Elaine said.
“You say that every week.” I mumbled.
“You’re not grunting as much.” She said.
“Hm.” I said not convinced.
“I can’t help but notice you’re not wearing as much black.” Elaine said. I looked down and noticed I was wearing faded black jeans which looked more grey than black and a heather grey scoop neck tee.
“I haven’t done laundry.” I said. Truth was I hadn’t even noticed what I picked to wear.
“Since you’re finally saying actual words now how about we actually talk this time.” Elaine said.
“I don’t know that word association game was pretty fun.” I said.
“You spent the hour looking up synonyms for poop on your phone.” She said.
“I was in a really poopy mood.” I said.
“Hanna.” Elaine said. “You’ve got to try.”
“Fine what do you want to talk about.” I said.
“Jamie.” She said.
“We’re not talking about Jamie.” I said.
“You’ve talking about all of them but you don’t talk about him.” Elaine said.
“Because there’s nothing to talk about. I babysat the kid for the better part of five years and once his mom got her act together and stopped doing drugs he went back to her.” I answered.
“Five years is a long time especially for a baby. He was with you for most of his formative years and he was with you through some of yours.” Elaine said. “You were 17 when you became his guardian. That’s a huge responsibility for anyone but especially for a kid to take on.”
“Do you think I may have screwed up the kid?” I said starting to seriously worry about that.
“Why do you do that?” She asked.
“Do what?” I said.
“Belittle yourself.” She said. “You took care of yourself and a child for years. You stepped up when your brother and parents refused to. You protected him from his mother’s self-destructive behavior. You were more than just an aunt to that child. You were a parent and then when his mom came back you let him go and I know that could not have been easy.”
“That has nothing to do with this.” I said.
“I don’t believe that and I know you don’t either.” Elaine said.
“I was relieved when Grace came back and took him.” I said bursting Elaine’s bubble. “I adored that kid and I don’t regret a single second of it but the second he was gone I could breathe again. And I know how horrible it sounds but it’s the truth. I didn’t ask for the responsibility but it was the right thing to do so I did it.”
“But the guilt…” She started.
“There was no guilt.” I said. “I was drowning in the responsibility of taking care of him, keeping a roof over both of our heads, keeping my grades up in college. I took on a responsibility that never should have been mine but it all ended up working out. Jamie got his mom back. Grace got her act together and the two of them rode off into the sunset together.”
“Just like that.” She said.
“You’re making it sound like it was more that it really was and that I was actually good at taking care of the kid.” I said.
“There you go again.” Elaine said. “Remember the rules.”
“Remember that the kid’s mom was a drug addict. The bar was pretty fucking low.” I said before looking at the clock. “Time’s up.”
“Hold it.” Elaine said.
“More pills?” I said. Because that worked out so great the last time.
“No. In fact I’m cutting you off. They’re obviously not working.” She said.
No shit.
“Instead we’re going to try some alternative treatments.” Elaine said. “I want you to get some exercise. It’s a good way to naturally give yourself an endorphin rush. I want you to get in an hour a day and half of that has to be outside. Maybe go on walk on the beach. I also want you to find a hobby. Find something you like to do. Arts and crafts are a good way to vent.”
“Great.” I said taking the prescription with the instructions for my new treatment.
Tony waited for me and we headed back to the car.
“How’d it go?” He said.
“She’s replacing Prozac with finger painting.” I said.
“What?” Tony said and I passed him the ‘prescription’. “Well that’s a new one. So no pills.”
“I’m being cut off.” I said.
“That’s great.” Tony blurted out before trying to cover it up. “That is good right?”
“Apparently they don’t work so we’re going with alternative treatments.” I said.
“Fingerpainting could be fun. Rogers draws.” Tony said and I gave him a look. “Probably not a good selling point. We’ll find you something and I’m sure Barton and Romanoff can help you work out. Teach you some self defense.”
I thought about it for a minute, imagining Natasha and Clint who were as super human as you could get without being injected with a super soldier serum being my trainers. They were going to be the death of me.
We were at a stop light that had just turned green but Tony wasn’t moving.
“The light’s green.” I said before I thought about it and though maybe I was confusing colors again. “It is green right?”
“Yeah.” He said. “I don’t feel like going back to the house.”
“We could hit a bar.” I suggested and he just gave me a look. “Too soon?”
“Just a bit.” He said.
“Go left and get on the five.” I said and Tony gave me a questioning spot. “I know a place. And I promise its not a bar. Though there is one within walking distance.”
“Okay.” Tony said getting on the freeway.
An hour later we were at my old college stomping grounds.
“Newport Beach.” Tony said. “I have to say I was not expecting this. I didn’t take you as an OC fan.”
“Never saw the show.” I said looking around. “I went to school near here. There’s a 24 hour donut shop around the corner that does most of their baking in the middle of the night. Used to go there at 3 am when I was pulling an all nighter.”
“You would get donuts at 3am?” Tony said.
“You once hid in a giant donut.” I retorted.
“Touché.” He said. “It’s nice. Not far from…”
He was about to bring them up.
“This really good steak place I went to one time.” He said quickly trying to cover it up.
“Nice save. “ I said. “Used to bring the kid here all the time. It was free entertainment and the bus ride always knocked him out. Plus it was a nice view.”
I glanced over to the very ripped beach volleyball players not too far from us.
“Ehem.” Tony said clearing his throat.
“Oh like you weren’t checking out the bikini clad coeds over there.” I said.
“The only girl I’ve checked out lately is the one sitting next to me.” Tony said
“Cute.” I said rolling my eyes.
“Is it really that hard to believe? I mean we are soul…” Tony said.
“Still not entirely on that ship.” I said looking out at the beach.
“If you’re not on that ship why are you practically blackmailing me into going to therapy.” He said.
“I didn’t blackmail you.” I said.
“I think your exact words were ‘I go if you go and if you stop I stop’” Tony said.
“That’s not really blackmail I think that’s more like a transactional agreement.” I said.
“Cute.” Tony said sarcastically.
“Its been more than two months. I know I’m still a mess but I know you’ve been doing better.” I said.
“What makes you say that?” He said.
“You’re actually sleeping.” I said.
“I am but you needed to go and i…” Tony started.
“Also needed to go.” I said. “You can’t BS me. I’ve seen it all. Your meltdown and self destructive tendencies when you thought the palladium was going to kill you. And I’ve also seen what happens after New York. Specifically the nightmares…”
“Nightmares come with the job.” Tony said.
“Have you started having panic attacks yet?” I said and Tony gave me a look.
“How did you…” He started and I gave him a look. “You saw it in the movie.”
“A little kid’s drawing triggered you.” I said.
“You couldn’t have just told me that?” he said.
“Would you have listened to me if I had?” I retorted.
“Okay. But so you care enough to get me into therapy but you still don’t believe we’re soulmates?” Tony said.
“I’m from a world where soulmates are as real and unicorns are.” I said.
“Thor’s the god of thunder and he’s real.” Tony said.
“My point exactly. You’re all gods, super soldiers, world class assassins and geniuses and I’m…” I started.
“Smart funny gorgeous…” he started.
“A mess.” I said. “And that’s a nice way of putting it.”
“And we’re not? You had to trick me into going to therapy.” Tony said. “Barton got brainwashed by Thor’s brother and still refuses to talk about it with anyone. Romanoff… I’m not entirely sure if she’s actually staying at the house or just making us all think she is. Bruce turns into a giant green ogre and Rogers… Do I even have to say it?”
“Please don’t.” I said. “Can we just put a pin in this for now? It’s been a day.”
“Did your guy call you out on you crap too?” Tony said.
“She thinks all of my issues stem from giving up my nephew.” I said.
“Do they?” He asked.
“Of course not. I had issues way before the kid was even born.” I said.
“What exactly happened with the kid?” Tony said. “Your bro…”
Tony froze.
“You can say it I’m not going to break down.” I said. “He’s a dick.”
“He is but the guy does love his kid at least from what I saw.” He said.
“Oh he’s a huge improvement. Back in my world he never even held the kid.” I said.
“So how’d you end up being the one taking care of him?” Tony said.
“He kind of fell on my doorstep.” I said. “Quite literally. Grace and Greg had broken up. They were on again off again and even when they were off they were on. We didn’t hear from her for a while and then months later she shows up nine months pregnant and her water breaks. Lost my favorite boots that day.”
“She just… on your front door?” Tony said.
“And my boots.” I said. “I was alone and she didn’t have anyone and one I let her hold my hand when a contraction hit she refused to let go so I ended up going to the hospital with her and being there when the kid was born. So about a day or two later Greg shows up claiming the kid isn’t his which was a total load of crap. My parents showed up. There was more arguing they basically said it wasn’t their problem and that was the last I heard from them in a few months.”
“But you said you took the kid…” Tony said.
“That was the case until two months later when Grace got into an accident. Apparently, the hospital still had my information from when she gave birth and called me. I was living on my own by then in a dorm so I ended up taking the kid for a few days while she got out of the hospital. That was how she her drug problem started. From there she would call me every once in a while, to babysit. As a starving college student, I was eager to get paid and get free food. She was off for a while but she was doing it alone as a single mom, working two jobs…I didn’t think much of it.” I said.
“Until…” Tony started.
“Until I got a call from my high school weed dealer.” I said. “Asking if I could pick her up because she had passed out on his couch and the baby had a fever and wouldn’t stop crying.”
“Oh.” He said.
“Believe it or not that was not the worst of it.” I said. “Once she woke up and sobered up she said she was going to quit and it would never happen again.”
“But it did.” Tony said.
“It did she just got better at covering it up.” I said. “There was a lot more back and forth. She’d call me to babysit, disappear for days and come back like it never happened. That went on for months until the kid was about a year old and I get yet another call from our mutual drug dealer friend. Grace had spiraled and wasn’t just doing pills anymore but cocaine, heroin and whatever else she could get her hands on and she hadn’t been paying so she left Jamie as collateral.”
“She sold the kid?” Tony said.
“Yeah.” I said. “I pawned off my laptop and emptied out my savings account and went to go pay off her dealer. I even paid a bit extra to get him to cut her off but as it turns out that wasn’t the first time she had done it. It was just lucky she had picked Luca to do that with. He was such a good guy. He did not deserve to go out the way he did.”
“He was a drug dealer.” Tony said.
“He was a drug dealer with ethics. Any other guy would have left the kid at the closest firehouse or worse. Luca called me instead to sort things out.” I said.
“So you sorted things out.” Tony said.
“In a way.” I said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He said.
“I paid off Grace’s debt but Luca wasn’t her only drug dealer and I couldn’t risk her leaving Jamie with those creeps.” I said. “I tried getting her help, I tried locking her up and forcing her to detox, so I called in a favor with Luca, had him get some friends and had them beat Grace up to teach her a lesson.”
“Whoa.” Tony said.
“Yeah not my finest moment.” I said. “But after she ended up in the hospital thinking she had lost her son and having a bit of a breakdown when she saw I had him she willingly went to rehab. And was sober for six months before relapsing and starting over again. That went on for years and shortly after Jamie turned five she showed up again. This time one year sober with a stable job and an apartment in a good school district. She was in a program, went to meetings the while thing so She took her son back and that was the last I heard of them.”
“That’s it?” he said.
“What did you expect?” I said.
“You raised the kid for five years and then you just never heard from him again?” Tony said.
“I had a life to get back to and my own problems to deal with which if you haven’t noticed make it really hard to keep up socially.” I said.
“Okay but a phone call? Email? Nothing?” he said.
“Grace wanted a clean break and if that meant she didn’t fall off the wagon again I was okay with it.” I said.
“You don’t miss him at all?” Tony said.
“The kid got his mom back and he got out before things with me got bad.” I said. “My problems started way before Jamie, he was just a good distraction.”