Chapter 18
The Next Morning…
I woke up to Jarvis reminding me I had therapy today. I’m guessing he booked the earliest appointment possible before I changed my mind.
I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this again. I couldn’t believe Tony was actually willing to go to therapy if I did. I wonder how this would change things.
“Miss Marin…” Jarvis said for the third time.
“I’m going… Jeez.” I said getting out of bed. I looked into my closet and pulled out a black crochet lace mini sheath dress. It was going to be a hot day so it was a good option. I grabbed a pair of black strappy sandals before going downstairs.
I interrupted a very chaotic breakfast conversation.
“We have no idea where she is…” Steve ranted.
“Your perfect system failed epically.” Natasha said.
“Uh yeah about that…” Tony said just as I walked in.
“Morning.” I said going straight for the coffeepot.
“Hanna where have you been?” Steve said.
“Where else? I’m not allowed to leave remember.” I said.
“We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Clint said.
“Guess you guys didn’t look carefully enough.” I said before turning to Tony. “Are we going?”
“You don’t want to eat first?” Tony asked.
“I have coffee, that’s all the breakfast I need.” I said.
“Alright then. Be back later.” Tony said.
“Where are you two going?” Natasha said.
“Therapy.” Tony and I answered as we walked out of the house.
“What just happened?” Bruce asked.
Thirty Minutes Later…
Tony and I were sitting in the waiting room of our Shrink’s practice. It was the same clinic but different doctors. I was looking through a travel magazine learning about the wonders Morocco had to offer. Tony was sitting next to me his knee bouncing non stop.
“Nervous?” I asked not looking up from my magazine.
“No. Are you because…” he started before I put a hand on his knee to force him to stop bouncing it.
“I can’t tell if there’s an earthquake or if you’re moving the chair.” I said taking my hand off. “And its you.”
“Sorry just not really a fan of this.” He said.
“You’ve been to a therapist before?” I asked.
“They brought someone in when they brought me to the airbase after I got out of that cave.” Tony said. “Didn’t really want to talk about it.”
“Might have been a bit too soon for that.” I said.
“Yeah…” Tony admitted.
“Don’t freak out. It’s the first session so they just want to get to know you to get a read on you.” I said. “Just talk about yourself. You like doing that.”
“Sure.” Tony said and as soon as the door opened he grabbed my hand.
“Breathe.” I whispered.
“Mister Stark and Miss Marin. Which one of you would like to go in first?” The nurse said.
“Ladies first.” Tony said.
“Age before beauty.” I retorted. Of course then the other office door opened and the patient walked out.
“Looks like you can both go in.” the nurse said with a smirk.
“Great.” Tony and I said.
“See you in 45.” I said getting up and walking into the recently opened door while Tony went down the hall.
I walked in and greeted my new therapist. Her office decorated with crystals and Tibetan singing bowls. There was a macrame wall hanging decorations and succulent glass planters. My therapist Elaine was middle aged with greying hair and a kind smile in a sort of warm motherly or even grandmotherly way.
“Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.” She said.
“Thanks.” I said sitting on the couch.
“I see you came in here with a friend. It’s good to have a support system.” Elaine said.
“Yeah…” I said not knowing if forcing each other to get help really counted as support.
“For the first session I normally start by getting to know my patients and also letting them get to know me. We are partners in this and it’s important for this to feel like a good fit for you. If any point whether it’s now or later on you feel like you would prefer to speak to someone else I can set you up with my colleague or recommend you someone else at another practice.” She said. “Is that okay?”
“Sounds good.” I said.
“Now the one last thing before we get to the ice breakers are my credentials. I am a psychiatrist but I specialize in both homeopathic and osteopathic medicine. Everyone is different and no one approach works for everyone. Some patients do well with one, some can manage with just therapy or others need a bit of everything.” Elaine said. “It may take some time to find right fit but we will find it, the only thing I ask is for you to have some patience and kindness for yourself. As annoying as this may sound, this is a marathon not a sprint.”
That was a first time I met a therapist who said that and I didn’t feel like punching them for how condescending they sounded.
“So, tell me about you.” She said.
“I’m pretty sure it says in my file why I’m here.” I said.
“I’d rather hear it from you.” Elaine said. “You’re more than just words on a paper.”
“Okay. So do I tell you about the incident that got me on your couch or my life’s story?” I asked.
“How about you tell me whatever you think I need to know?” She said. “It can be anything. I once had a patient rant for the entire 45 minutes about her husband dropping his socks everywhere in their apartment. There is no wrong answer.”
“45 minutes about socks?” I said.
“Yup.” She said.
I decided I was going to give Elaine a chance to try and fix me. That being said I had to edit a few things out. A lot of things.
I kept the facts the same. The dysfunctional family. Drug addicted sister-in-law. Raising my nephew. My friends. Then came New York.
“So I was standing on that roof after years of putting up with that feeling of well nothing. I was ready to end it, there was nothing holding me back and just as I’m about jump… a hole opened up in the sky and aliens started flying out.” I said.
“You were in New York during the invasion.” Elaine said surprised.
“Yeah…” I said. Well it wasn’t entirely a lie.
“So you didn’t jump because of the aliens?” She said.
“More like I stepped off at the same time and I fell but I was saved before I hit the pavement.” I said.
“Saved like someone caught you?” Elaine said.
“One of the heroes.” I said. “That’s also how I found my soulmates.”
“Soulmates?” She said.
“Six apparently. I didn’t think it was possible.” I said.
“Were your parents part of the anti-soulmate movement or part of a religious minority like a cult?” Elaine said.
“Before that day I had never seen a single color.” I said. “I was color blind.”
“While having multiple soulmates is rare its not impossible.” She said.
“Practically impossible. One in a billion or so. The odds of more than one soulmates let alone six. I thought there was something wrong with me. That I was broken.” I said.
“And how have you all been adjusting to seeing the world in all its color?” Elaine asked.
“Picking clothes is a lot harder.” I said.
“Is that why you…” She said looking at the all black outfit.
“It’s familiar and I’m still not used to it.” I said. “And as for the soulmate thing I’m still not entirely sure this isn’t a fluke. It’s been a month and after the invasion I had a bit I decided to try reaching out to my family. See if there wasn’t anyway of fixing things and it didn’t really work out the way I expected.”
“How so?” She asked.
“I spent most of my life trying to keep my family together, being the one that fixed everything, took care of everyone, putting everyone before everything and as it turned out they didn’t need me and they don’t want me around. They are better off without me.” I said. “The second I walked away all of their problems ceased to be problems. My sister-in-law got the help she needed, my brother grew up and became the father my nephew deserved. My parents mended their relationship and their business is thriving and essentially, they told me that they didn’t want me in their lives and to stay away.”
“That couldn’t have been easy to hear.” She said.
“I was on my own for years and I was fine without them. I accepted the fact that they were never going to be who I wanted them to be and I moved on but seeing them made me want to go back on that roof. It made me wish I had hit the pavement.” I said. “I wanted to die and the world would probably be better without me in it. They certainly are.”
“That is not true.” Elaine said.
“Before they couldn’t even stand to be in the same room together now they actually like spending time together. They vacation in Aspen together once a year.” I said. “I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in even when I was right in the middle of everything and maybe that was for a reason.”
“Have you tried to hurt yourself since New York?” She asked.
“No. Have I been drinking more and contemplating if it would have been better if I hadn’t been caught that day? Yeah.” I said.
“How have you been sleeping?” Elaine asked.
“Depends on the day.” I said.
“Do you sleep six to eight hours a night?” She elaborated.
“Three maybe four hours some nights but it’s not restful sleep. I’m tossing and turning the whole time. Sometimes I can’t sleep at all, sometimes I can’t stop sleeping.” I said.
“How are you doing socially?” Elaine asked.
“I don’t have friends anymore. The ‘soulmates’ are around but I’m not really in the mood for nagging so I try to avoid them.” I said.
“Maybe they’re just trying to help.” She said.
“There are other people who need their help more. I’m a lost cause.” I said.
“No one is beyond saving.” Elaine said. “Remember the rules. Patience and kindness for yourself.”
“I contemplated jumping off that roof for years. I still ended up there.” I said.
“Why did you come here today if you’re so ready to give up on yourself?” She said.
“One of the very annoying nagging soulmates agreed to go to therapy if I did and I wanted to see if he was being serious.” I said.
“And why does that matter to you?” Elaine said.
“Because I may be beyond saving and the world is better off without me but the same doesn’t apply to him.” I said. “And it was recently brought to my attention that with the whole soulmate thing I can feel their pain so if I do die they’ll feel something.”
“You’re really keeping them at arms length aren’t you.” She said.
“Statistically speaking they’re going to meet at least 110 people who are just as compatible with them as I am. Chances are they’ll be less emotionally damaged.” I said.
“But they wouldn’t be you.” Elaine said.
“And?” I said.
“No one knows for sure how soulmates are decided but it’s never a mistake or a fluke. You can ask anyone who’s ever met theirs they would never ask for a replacement.” She said.
“Maybe I’m the exception. There’s a first time for everything.” I answered.
“Well I’m not giving up on you.” Elaine said. “I like a challenge and the first thing we’re going to tackle is your emotional bluntness. It’s common in depression patients.”
“I’m a realist.” I said.
“Some would call your realism, nihilism.” She retorted. “You held off trying to jump off that roof for years. There must have been something you held onto that kept you going all those years. You have something now that got you here.”
“Oh please don’t tell me you’re about to tell me about the magic of true love and how everything is going to fall into place because I met my soulmates.” I said.
“No, there’s no magical fix it but you’re not alone. They may nag but they nag because they care and obviously you do too even if you don’t want to admit it.” Elaine said.
“I think you’re grasping at straws here.” I said.
“Am I?” She said amused. “Our time’s almost up so I am going to see you here next week and in the meantime I’m going to give you some homework.”
“You’re going to dose me with pills.” I said.
“I’m not dosing you with anything. I’m strongly recommending you start taking these low dose anti-depressants but the choice is ultimately up to you. We have a lot of work to do and we can’t do any of the heavy lifting until you’re more stable and can actually feel something. I also want you to write down three things you like about yourself.” Elaine said.
“What?” I said.
“I meant it when I said I want you to be patient and kind to yourself. You are not broken or damaged. You’re a work in progress just like everyone else in the world.” She said handing me the prescription. “So three things you like about yourself. It can be anything. Personality, looks, abilities… anything at all.”
“Sure.” I said taking the paper before walking out where Tony was already waiting for me.
“How’d it go?” He asked.
“It went.” I answered walking out to the parking lot.
“Was your guy good?” Tony said.
“She…” I corrected. “She’s kind of a hippie grandma but she’s not the worst therapist I’ve ever been too. What about your guy?”
“He okay. I mean it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be but it’s not like I’m going to see him again.” Tony said.
“Whoa whoa…. What do you mean you’re not coming back?” I said.
“I came so you would go to therapy and since you found someone you can talk to, I’m done.” Tony said.
“Oh no you’re not. I go if you go. That was our deal. So if you stop I stop.” I said.
“But…” he started.
“No buts. We had a deal.” I said. “Now we need to make a pit stop at a pharmacy. I need to get my prescription filled and sadly it’s not for any of the fun stuff. I forgot if these were the ones that made me super nauseous or super tired. Guess we’ll find out.”
“You’re really doing it.” He said.
“If you keep going to therapy.” I said. “I’ll be a bit stoned for a few days while I adjust, haven’t done that in a while.”
“Same time next week then. It’s a date.” Tony said.