It's Consuming
The following days were muddled together. Tony slept with Morgan for those days, couldn't bare to be in the room where Peter took his last breath. Pepper took the liberty to throw away the bed sheets and rearrange the room completely. She hated it too.
They buried Peter in one of Ben's old suits, the lego figurine that Ned gave him was wrapped in his hand and the teddy bear that he adored was under his arm. After all, Peter was just a kid.
It was an open casket, Tony didn't know it would be, he hadn't been the one to plan it. When Tony made his way inside and saw it open, he turned to Pepper.
"Tell them to close it," Tony swallowed down bile. He couldn't see Peter from this far back in the room, but he knew if he got closer and saw his face he would want to jump in the casket with him and never leave. He'd probably, morbidly scream out 'just bury me with him'.
"Alright, I'll get them to close it." And they had.
The funeral was like any other funeral, sad, boring and too long for comfort. Only difference was that there was a butt load of superheros, not that anyone cared. They were all mourning a child, a friend, a classmate, a son. Tony didn't notice who even showed up, all their faces blended together. Many came up to them and offered their condolences, he wanted to tell them to fuck off.
All of Peter's classmates that showed up were wearing an orange ribbon pinned to their clothes. It was the leukemia awareness ribbon, they handed them out at the funeral. If Tony was in a better state of mind, he would have appreciated it more. Instead when he was offered one he just turned his head to Pepper, who in return thanked the student and grabbed three, one for herself, one for Morgan, and one for Tony.
Later at the burial, it started raining. Not just a light drizzle, but a storm. Tony didn't care. He stood without an umbrella, letting himself get soaked, allowing his tears to mix with the rain. He wished for pneumonia, welcomed it even.
Steve was the one who got him into the back of Happy's SUV, took his socks and shoes off. Steve found a blanket in the back and after taking off Tony's coat, he wrapped him in it. Tony just gathered the blanket in his hands and sobbed. It was Peter's.
They stayed in the tower for a while. Pepper was the one who suggested it, their house was too depressing. It was full of happy christmas decorations, and they were in no mood to pretend. Pepper promised Morgan that they were going to celebrate christmas later, explaining that it didn't matter what day they do it on, as long as they were together.
A month came and went, they didn't celebrate the new year. They had Morgan sleep over at a friends house, so she could at least have some fun. Pepper was getting ready to go back to the cabin. Christmas in February was the plan. They were inviting all the avengers and Peter's friends for a little holiday weekend. Pepper sent Rhodey out ahead of time to clean up the house, basically she wanted him to put anything that was Peter's into his bedroom so Tony wouldn't have a breakdown.
Pepper was proud of Tony when they entered the cabin and he didn't mound himself into the ground, he just looked around the room smiling at all the decorations they put up a couple months before. He had Morgan on his hip and was leaning down to plug in some of the lights.
"Here, go plug in the tree," Tony set down Morgan and followed her with his gaze as she ran over to the tree to comply with his wish. Tony sniffled when it lit up and the star was glowing.
Little while later there was a knock on the door, it wasn't odd as they were celebrating Christmas with everybody today. What was odd was that it was really early before the time they set for everyone to come. Pepper made her way over and welcomed whoever it was inside.
"I have a gift," the person said, the voice wafting into the corridor of the house.
"Oh that's very nice of you, would you like to put it under the tree?" Pepper asked, as she gestured towards the livingroom.
"Uhm- it's actually for Ned, it's from Peter."
Pepper stopped in her tracks, Tony walked into the arch that separated the livingroom and dining room. He never thought he'd hear those words.
"Peter also told me to tell you guys that he has gifts for you guys under his bed," she timidly handed the gift to Tony. She twisted her foot behind her, a nervous gesture that happened unconsciously.
"Thank you Claire," Tony grabbed the present from her out stretched hand. He placed it gently under the tree, he wasn't going to retrieve the presents from under Peter's bed, he wasn't even going to open that door. Now fully understanding why May never entered Peter's room back at their apartment all those years ago.
"It's actually a graduation gift..." Claire trailed off, letting the words die off on her lips.
"Oh-" Tony stopped in his bent position, picking up the gift again. Cursing himself for flash forwarding to it in his mind, knowing that his kid never would get there. "Okay, I'll just hang onto it, thanks kiddo." He ruffled her hair and walked upstairs to put it on his closet shelf.
Soon the livingroom was filled to the brim with people and songs, food and games. Tony thought that'd he was going to be suffocated when this day came, but he was elated to be surrounded by his family. Elated was probably overselling it. He was able to shove his feelings down into the pit of his stomach and try to enjoy the day.
Pepper was happy, she really was. She was glad to be with her friends, family. She wouldn't admit it outloud but she was exhausted, exhausted with taking care of her daughter and her husband. Her husband who now had to be reminded to get out of bed, take a shower, hug your daughter goodbye for school, eat the food before it gets cold. It was a lot of work, she knew he was grieving, it was response to the trauma they endured. Trauma. It sounds ridiculous calling what they went through as a traumatic experience, but it was. Pepper couldn't imagine how Tony felt, watching your son die, not only once but twice. Two times in your arms.
Pepper was struggling internally too, not as much as Tony, but enough. She was strong, not to say that Tony wasn't strong, but she came out with more resilience. Able to move forward and continue life, because even though their life went on pause nothing around them did. So she was moving forward, but never moving on. No, she would never move on, grief would never go away. Grief would just shift in slow movements, making head whenever the hell it felt like it. She learned that the hard way.
One day she was talking to a coworker, someone on a lower level floor, they asked about Peter and she was able to contain herself. She explained that he unfortunately passed away, she was able to say it with no thought. She even went on anecdotal stories about how amazing her son was. Then another day it happened again, she couldn't open her mouth without tears pricking at her eyes. She didn't even say anything, the grief was just so strong that she excused herself and cried for over an hour. It wasn't fun and it had only been three months. Three months.
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Pepper took Morgan to Peter's grave at least once a month, it was too cold at the very beginning to stay long, but they'd usually talk to him about what had happened since the last time they came. Now it was warming up, it was may and flowers were blooming. Pepper had brought a little picnic with a blanket so they could sit and chat with Peter for a little while longer than their usual visits. It all felt new, mostly because they were going to be here for longer and it was Tony's first time back to his grave.
Tony sat on the blanket after Pepper laid it all out, huffing when his knees cracked as he sat in a criss cross formation. Pepper began unpacking all the food, apples, sandwiches, juice boxes and some vegetables.
"I should've brought Gerald if I would've known you were going to make us eat that healthy," Tony spat out, playfully might he add.
"Yeah but carrots are Petey's favorite!" Morgan chanted. She was sat on her knees, hands on either side of her as if she were going to do an acrobatic move at any second. She felt comfortable at Peter's grave and openly talking about him, after he passed she didn't shed a single tear. She just never felt sad. She watched her parents and uncles and cousins cry whenever they were chatting about Peter, but never her. Nope. She could talk all day about Peter and never even sniff. Of course she missed him, she had no one to play with anymore or cuddle in the middle of the night when she was scared. But she still didn't feel anything. It didn't bother her, she had nothing to compare the feeling to anyways.
"Maybe we should leave some carrots for him?" Pepper asked Morgan.
Morgan nodded and grabbed a handful, she placed them down on the grass beneath his headstone. Pepper didn't think it would hurt anything, the carrots would be eaten by little critters or birds, even if they didn't they would eventually succumb to the earth.
Tony sniffed, holding back tears. This was hard. The therapist he was seeing suggested that it might be healthy to go on the excursion with Pepper and Morgan, help heal his mind. Let him know that Peter wasn't hurting and in pain anymore, that he was safe and still had lots of love to give.
Tony blinked back some more tears, looking at his family all finally back together and it only took five months to be able to do so. Tony tilted his head to the sky, the clear sky that didn't have an ounce of cloud above. The sun was beating down her rays, allowing them to feel the warmth she provided. He inhaled shakily and held the fresh air in his lungs. The air that surrounded his child's grave, the air that protected his baby from the life he couldn't have. He exhaled less shaky than the inhale, letting go of his thoughts. He looked back down to see his wife smiling at him, encouraging him. Letting him know that it was okay if this didn't bring him joy, if this didn't help him heal in the moment. She was happy he was trying.
This was okay, they were gonna be okay.