Only Love Can Hurt This Much
Pepper ran the pad of her thumb across his eyebrow while pressing her forehead against his, she sniffled twice refusing to let her tears fall. She didn't know if Peter was awake or not, he always seemed to have his eyes closed even when he was awake. He would sometimes respond with quiet hums of acknowledgement whenever someone asked a question or told a story. She knew it was his body's response to dying, but she just wished that he would open his eyes so she can see those brown bambi's looking back at her. Peter's hand moved up a little towards his own mouth from where they before were laid down by his chin, Pepper inched forward and kissed his frail fingers. She could feel his breath entering and exiting his mouth and occasionally his breath would hitch, it wasn't anything new it had been happening for the past week since his immediate downcline. It was still hard to hear it though.
It was even harder to watch. One day he was able to sit up and laugh, playing with Morgan in the living room. Albeit, he was weak while doing all that, but he was there and present. Then the next he was only able to stay awake for a couple hours at a time if they were lucky, he needed help sitting up because he couldn't support his own weight. This was the kid that could stop a car with his bare hands, hold an airplane deck above his head. When Tony forced her to go shower just like she had to do for him, she would melt to the floor and let her tears mix with the water. Begging and pleading 'why', why does she have to watch her kid, her son die. Kid's aren't supposed to die before their parents, they were supposed to be the ones watching as their parents faded. He was supposed to grow old with his sister, guide her through the ups and downs, be there for her when she had her first heartbreak. Heartbreak. Peter never even experienced a heartbreak, that's how young he was.
"M'm?" Peter's voice was frailer than his body was.
"Hi baby," Pepper swiped her hand over his cheek.
Peter didn't speak for a long time, his brain trying to piece together the meaning of words and phrases. When he did finally speak it was nothing but a whisper, the act of speaking was tiring. "I love you."
Pepper let her tears fall, not letting a sob break past her lips even though it was pushing with all force. "I love you too, more than you'd ever know."
She saw a ghost of a smile on his face, that was another thing, he couldn't really get his face to show emotions. He could barely open his mouth when speaking.
Peter surprised her when she looked up to see two brown orbs staring back at her. "Mom?"
"Yeah bug?"
"I'm not scared," Peter's eyes fell shut and then opened again, "to die." It was Pepper's turn to have her breath hitch. "I'm jus' scared of-" Peter took a second to breathe, closing his eyes again while doing so. "Being alone," he landed his eyes back on hers.
"You'll never be alone baby," Pepper ran her fingers through the short curls that were finally making way on his head, right where they belong. "You'll go and be with your birth mom and dad, also Ben and May."
Pepper stopped because it looked like he was trying to speak again. "Wha' about you guys?"
"Us?" Pepper sniffed, "we will be here, together. Longing for our baby boy, we'll be looking out for Queens. For Ned and Mj, also Claire." She watched as Peter let his eyes slip close again, "We'll be playing with Gerald and making sure Happy isn't grumpy all the time." Peter giggled and Pepper was almost positive it would be the last time she'd ever hear that. "And don't you worry, I'll make sure Tony doesn't lock himself away. I'll watch out for him and so will Morgan.
"Oh- and Morgan," Pepper's laugh was wet and delirious, "well she'll probably be telling everyone for the rest of her life about her big brother. How he helped the little guy, how he could easily lift her up and make her feel like she was flying."
Peter was already back to sleep at this point, but she just kept talking and talking, about how their life would look after their boy wasn't on Earth anymore. She had to keep going, she had to because she needed to have an after. She had to because otherwise she'd fall apart and never be able to glue herself back together.
Morgan was asleep in her room, Tony made his way back to his own room. He opened the door and stared at the bed. Peter asleep on his side facing Pepper, and Pepper's body was morphed around Peter protecting him. The invaders weren't an outside threat though.
He toed his way into bed on the other side of Peter, he sat up and just watched as Peter took slow light breaths. He dreads the day when he won't even get that. The end was near, everyone could feel it, they never wanted to be away from his side just in case they missed it. Of course they couldn't be with him 24/7, Morgan still needed her parents, she was young and barely understood what it meant when they said Peter was going to say goodbye. She wanted to run and play, they couldn't take that away from her.
They were a week away from Christmas, a whole 7 days. Tony was just begging him to wait until then. Tony had an awful thought of associating Christmas with Peter's death for the rest of his life. He didn't need the holiday anyways.
Back when Peter asked Helen how long, she had guessed at tops three months. Now not even a month in and that didn't even look stable. He couldn't ask much of Peter, and even asking him to stay till Christmas was a lot. Sometimes he silently wished for this part to be over, he was holding his breath everytime Peter's breathing pattern changed. He also wished that it would never end, that he could sit and hold Peter and never have to let go. Just live the rest of their lives like this.
He didn't know how he was going to go on after this, how he was going to continue to raise Morgan. Tony had ever only seen people die suddenly, one second they're here and the next they aren't. Nothing like this, this was slow. This was crawling at a snails pace and there was no winner at the finish line.
Tony sucked in a breath as Peter stopped breathing for a whole 3 seconds, he released when Peter continued an exhale.
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4 days until Christmas. Peter had a third seizure yesterday. Tony had hoped to just see his eyes, but he didn't even get that. He had been asleep since it happened. Casey had informed them that he might never wake up, she didn't want to alarm them. She just wanted them to be prepared. His weakened body couldn't handle the pressure that a seizure put on him. It made his muscles strain, he barely had any left to strain.
They were all sitting on Tony and Pepper's bed, watching christmas movies for Morgan's benefit. They were discussing what to watch next when Morgan noticed something.
She was crawling along the bed when she put her hand near Peter's leg. She felt something squish, thinking it was a toy she lifted the blankets up without anyone's knowledge. She was confused when she saw a bag of yellow fluid. Lemonade? In bed?
"Mommy, what's this?" All the adults turned to look at her.
Rhodey who was closest to her, leaned down and put the blankets back over Peter's leg. He made sure it covered his feet before picking Morgan up and putting her in his lap.
Pepper hated lying to Morgan and her therapist told them to be upfront with her about everything. So she took a second to compose herself, "that's just where Peter's pee goes. You know how he sleeps a ton?" Morgan nodded, "Well he doesn't get up to use the bathroom like you or me, or Rhodey, so he has to do it here." Pepper thought that was a good explanation, but then Morgan opened her mouth for more.
"Can I pee in my bed?"
Pepper laughed a little, "no, you can pee in the potty."
Tony was half laying, half sitting up with Peter's body on his chest, holding him as close as their bodies would allow. He didn't want to join in on the conversation. He didn't want to hear about how Peter's body is reverting back into newborn instincts.
The boy in question blinked open his eyes, breathing heavier now that he was trying to assess his surroundings. He was drugged pretty good now, noone knew if they were getting a coherent Peter or not.
"Hi Petey!" Morgan shouted when she saw him awake. She missed when he was always awake, when they'd snuggle together when they both couldn't sleep after a nightmare.
"Baby, lower your voice," Pepper said after Peter clenched his eyes shut in reaction. "Hi honey, you have a nice dream?"
Peter rolled his eyes in his sockets, which way was the voice talking again? He didn't know. He supposed he could still respond even if it was to a bodyless voice.
"Yeah, it was nice."
"That's good," Pepper leaned over him and kissed his hairline.
Peter's eyes fluttered closed again as he drifted off. Morgan's face dropped. Peter was no fun anymore.
"Peter didn't even watch the movies!" Morgan cried.
"Is oka' Mo. I'll listen," Peter mumbled, eyes still closed. He would try to listen anyway. He hated this, the feeling of being aware but far away all at the same time. How sleep whispered sweet nothing into his ear whenever he was awake. Someone was rubbing his chest and it felt nice, he wasn't going to listen to the movie. He was going to listen to the heartbeat that was off kilter by his ear and feel the hand that was soothing his aching bones. Soak in the warmth that was radiating from the bodies that surrounded him.
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It was Christmas eve, it was one Christmas eve that Tony would never forget. Casey had come in during the night to assess Peter's symptoms when Tony and Pepper were concerned with Peter's breathing. Sometimes he would gasp and then just stop breathing, before restarting. It was worse than when his breath would just hitch a little. She let them know it was normal and that they may want to spend the rest of their time with him.
Tony could feel it, he was holding Peter close in his arms. He could feel the weak pulse and the coldness in Peter's hands. Tony didn't sleep last night, he just held Peter and whispered in his ear, telling him stories that only an older Peter would've heard. He would occasionally look down at Peter's have lidded eyes, he always looked back at the wall to ignore it. The image would be seared into his brain for eternity.
In the morning Rhodey brought Morgan in. She sat on the bed in Pepper's arms, staring at Peter's form. Mommy and Daddy told her that she can say anything she wanted to Peter. They even suggested to tell him that she loves him. He already knew that, so she didn't get why they wanted her to say that.
Morgan wiggled her way out of her mom's arms. She laid flat on her stomach, her nose inches away from Peter's face. "When you're better, we can play with your light saber," Tony nor Pepper decided to correct her. "Mommy said I have to say goodbye, I don't want to say goodbye." Morgan frowned, she lifted a finger and poked Peter's cheek. She didn't know why she had the urge to do it, but she did.
Tony watched as Morgan pushed her finger towards Peter's cheek, it upset him. It wasn't like Peter was going to care all that much, but he held Peter closer, if that was even possible. He didn't stop her though, she was just being a curious kid.
Morgan sat up on her knees, turning towards her mom, "can I go watch my little pony now?"
Pepper smiled a tight lip smile at her, "of course baby." Before Morgan could jump off the bed, Pepper pulled her in for a hug. "Do you wanna give Peter a kiss?" Morgan looked over at Peter and shrugged.
Morgan didn't know what she wanted, all she knew was that she wanted to get out of this room. Everyone was sad all the time in here. There were no tickle fights. There was no real laughter. There was no smiles. But nonetheless, she bent down and kissed Peter's cheek. "Love you Petey!"
Pepper let go of her arm as Morgan crawled off the bed.
Tony and Pepper huddled in bed together for what felt like years, days, hours and minutes, all mixed together. They knew it was coming. Obviously they knew it was coming. That's the whole point of what they were doing. It didn't make it any easier though.
Peter dies suddenly, in his sleep. But it wasn't sudden, was it? He doesn't alert anyone that the end is coming, he doesn't wake up to have a final goodbye. He technically already said his goodbyes along the way.
It happens at three in the afternoon, Tony was holding him in his lap. Holding him for the second time as he died in a grip that he couldn't hold onto. Except his body didn't fade away in the same way, this time it was so much worse. This time he had a body to cling to, to scream into.
Pepper shyed away, crying into her own hands. She didn't want to watch as her husband held their son's body, breaking down in so many ways.
Casey already had transporters on stand by, she was allowing them to grieve. Eventually she was going to have to send them in so Peter could be taken to the funeral home.
When the time came, Tony screamed at them. They were trying to take his kid, his baby. They couldn't have him. Pepper had to leave the room, she couldn't bare to watch.
"Get the fuck away!" Tony screamed at them, he rocked Peter's body back and forth.
Rhodey barreled through the door and rushed to Tony's side.
"They're tryna take my baby Rhodes!" Tony looked at Rhodey, eyes fogged and wet.
"I know Tony, you have to let them. You have to let go. Peter's safe now, okay?" Rhodey grabbed Tony's hands, gently prying his fingers away.
As soon as Rhodey got Tony's arms locked in his own, the transporters made their move after getting a nod from the colonel. Tony screamed some more, violently trying to get out of Rhodey's hold as he watched the men carry Peter's body out of the room. That's all it was anymore, a body. Because Peter wasn't in there anymore.
"Tony, Tony. Hey, look at me! You need to breathe, or you're gonna pass out. Do you hear me?" Rhodey grabbed Tony's hand and pressed it to his chest, exaggerating his own breathing so Tony could follow along.
"He's gone! He's gone!" Tony wasn't listening. It was all too muffled, all too sudden, all too much. Every inch of Tony had been cracking away ever since Peter was bed bound, now he had nothing left. It was all gone. Peter took it with him.
Rhodey held Tony as he passed out from hyperventilating. He gently lowered him on the bed, tucking him in. He wasn't going to try and arouse him, he needed to sleep. It was going to be a tough road ahead of them.
Rhodey was gonna make sure they were all okay.