Big Feelings
The day had started off normal, well as normal as it could've been with a terminally ill teenager in the house. It consisted of Tony going into Peter's room in the morning and laying in his bed until Peter woke up. Peter had started sleeping a bit longer and Tony was just scared of him not waking up, so he'd sit and wait for him.
Then they'd get dressed or stay in pajamas, Casey would come in and assess his pain levels to reduce it if he had any. At breakfast Tony would make whatever Peter wanted, it was usually just applesauce, which was fine. Or sometimes he'd simply say 'I'm not hungry', and that was fine too.
They sat on the couch and watched a couple episodes of Community and then Morgan begged Peter to play Spider-man with her. He obliged, he loved her and couldn't refuse.
Tony was washing the dishes and Pepper was at the dining table working on SI stuff. Casey was going over some work in the room they provided. Only Morgan was with Peter, that's why when Morgan screamed "Mommy!" It startled everyone.
Casey emerged from the room she was in and arrived by the kids just as Pepper and Tony did.
"Something's wrong with Petey," She had tears in her eyes and the doll she had was laying limp in her hand.
Peter was staring off into the distance, Casey knew that look. "Can you take Morgan to another room?" She asked Pepper or Tony, which ever wanted to flee. They both could if they wanted to.
Pepper gathered Morgan and took her upstairs. Tony was left with Peter and Casey. He watched silently as Casey pushed the coffee table away from them and then lowered Peter to lay on his side.
"Hand me that pillow," she had her hand out waiting for it. She placed the pillow under his head, "he's having a seizure, if you don't want to be here for this that's okay."
Tony could've taken the out, he had every right to. He had seen Peter having a seizure that awful night, it wasn't pretty. They knew the risk of Peter having more seizures, especially since stopping treatment. It still didn't cross his mind though.
"No I'm staying," he owed it to Peter to stay, to make sure he was okay.
A few seconds after Tony made his vow Peter started stretching out and twitching. His neck protruding outwards as his head streched back and his arms were making their way into his chest, his legs kicking outwards. Even kicking Tony, who slightly moved out of the way so Peter wouldn't get hurt. His breathing was labored and stuttering and his eyes were unfocused but open.
Tony didn't know what to do except stare, stare wide eyed as his child struggled. Casey was giving Peter comforting words, something Tony couldn't do at the moment.
The seizure didn't last long, only a few seconds over a minute. When it was over, Peter laid there catching his breath, he was still dazed and his eyes were still unfocused. Tony didn't feel Casey's arm on him.
"Tony, I said can you watch him for one second while I run to get something."
Tony, finally hearing her said, "Yeah." He never took his eyes off Peter though.
He didn't notice her leave or come back, next thing he knew was that she was administering some medication into Peter's port.
"That should help with any more seizures that try to come through," she provided when she noticed his grimace.
Peter only showed a bit of clarity before he fell asleep, Casey telling him it was normal to be exhausted after a seizure. She let them know that in his fatigued state that he might sleep longer than normal. And he did. He slept almost the entire rest of the day.
That was only the beginning of his downcline, when he woke up in the evening he had to have help to sit up on his own. That night they switched him over to sleep in his parents room, squished inbetween them in the ginormous bed they had. That was the first day he declined to eat or drink entirely.
The next day all the avengers came over for lunch. Pepper had told them what happened and they offered to come over to distract Tony and help take his mind off of it. She insisted that they come for a little while and hang with Peter.
They sat in the living room playing charades. Sam up in front of everyone, trying to act out 'snakes on a plane'. Tony, Clint, Bucky and Bruce were all sat on the couch, while Natasha and Pepper sat on the floor with Morgan. Rhodey had claimed Peter, sitting in a recliner with Peter on his lap, who was half asleep. Don't ask anyone how that came to be, because they didn't know or care, it was sweet to see. Steve was in the kitchen talking to Happy and Scott, Happy was grumply making a salad for everyone, but he was secretly glad to do it.
Sam had gotten down on the floor, laying flat on his stomach trying to act out a snake. Because apparently moving your arm in a snake motion wasn't doing justice.
"You're a fish!" Morgan excitedly called out.
"No, I'm not a fish!" Sam mocked.
Rhodey was soothingly rubbing his hand up and down Peter's thigh, "you look ridiculous, try something else!"
Sam sighed and stood up, he started moving like a plane.
"Plane!" Scott said as he emerged from the kitchen.
"Ah!" Sam pointed to Scott in affirmation, he then proceeded to move his arm in a snake like motion again.
"Snakes on a plane," Peter mumbled, finally a bit awake.
"Yes! Finally, holy shit." Sam dramatically sat down squishing everyone on the couch together. They all yelled at Sam, yelling over one another. "Alright, alright," Sam rearranged himself on the arm rest.
Rhodey held his hand down for a low five from Peter, Peter lowered his hand ontop of Rhodey's. The touch was light, almost as if there was a butterfly on Rhodey's hand that he didn't want to squish. "Good job Pete," Rhodey whispered into his ear.
"Alright whose turn?"
"It's Petey's because he guessed," Morgan pointed out. Pepper smiled sadly at that, their daughter still was not in the know. They were struggling with telling her, they had to do it soon as it was becoming very noticeable.
Morgan looked at Peter who was back to sleep on Rhodey, she didn't know why he kept sleeping. He wasn't in the hospital anymore where he always slept, so he should be awake playing with her. She crossed her arms and huffed to herself. Peter was being mean.
"Alright," Clint put his hands on either side of him, on Tony and Bucky's legs to help him stand. "I'll go since I haven't." He cracked his back and walked in front of everyone picking up a piece of paper that was in the bowl on the table. He rolled his eyes after he read what it was.
"This pasta is heavenly, who made it," Bucky said through a mouthful of risotto.
Tony gave him a disgusted look, "Firstly bionic idiot, it's rice. Second, Pepper did." He smiled at his wife.
"Very well made Mrs. Stark," Clint said in a fancy accent.
The group ate while keeping up good conversation, until Steve couldn't take the upbeat tones.
"Are you guys okay?" Steve could see their forced smiles and fake laughter all through the afternoon. It stung.
Tony looked at Pepper who stopped eating, "Uh, yeah. We're okay." He was lying, but he had good reason to do so. Morgan was sitting at the end of the table and if she suspected something was going on, this lunch would go downhill and fast.
"You sure?" He raised his eyebrows.
Tony gritted his teeth, "yeah."
He dropped it, he knew a lie when he saw it.
Tony thought that was the stupidest fucking question that anyone has ever fucking asked him in his whole goddamn life. Who the hell asks that question to two parents of a dying kid? It was an insult, no fucking shit they weren't okay. They never would be okay. Not ever again.
Pepper also thought the same thing. She's read on many facebook groups that parents would lose friends over their terminal and sick kids. She couldn't complain, she hadn't lost anyone over Peter's illness, not yet. She would be thankful if she did lose someone over it though, as they were showing their true colors and didn't deserve to be with Peter during his last days anyways.
"Should we wake Rhodey, so he can eat?" Natasha said while looking over at Rhodey sleeping with Peter, a blanket drapped over the two now.
"Nah, he'll probably get angry about us disturbing his time with Peter, he's kinda clingy." Tony scooped more risotto.
Natasha gave Tony 'the eye', "is he now? You know from experience?"
"Yeah, actually I do. The guy would follow me around campus like a lost puppy," Tony was laughing at the memory. It was funny, because Tony would follow around Rhodey when he first arrived, then after a month it switched.
As everyone left they gravitated towards Peter to say their own goodbyes. He was still attached to the hip with Rhodey, the kid liked the colonel, what can he say. The only difference now was that Peter was fully awake.
Peter attentively gave everyone hugs when they were offered and whole heartedly said goodbye to them as they went. He enjoyed their company, even if he slept through most of it.
Tony had to carry Peter up to bed, walking wasn't easy anymore. He definitely couldn't walk up the stairs, it wasn't even worth the risk of trying.
Tony laid Peter on the bed, gathering blankets around him for comfort.
"How's that, that's good?" Tony was burritoing him in.
Peter shifted some, "yeah, that's good. Thanks dad."
Tony sat on the bed next to him, "I'm gonna stay with you till you fall asleep. I just want to let you know we're going to speak to Morgan tonight, alright Roo?"
Peter hummed, "that's okay."
"Okay. We just don't know how she'll react. Her therapist said she might distance herself from you."
"Tha's okay," He said through a yawn.
"Alright, you sleep Roo." Tony sat with Peter until he fell asleep, just like he said he would. He then had Rhodey sit in the room with him. Rhodey was going to stay with them to help out with Morgan.
"Do you know how daddy always said that Peter was gone before you were born, and then we got him back?" Pepper had Morgan on her lap and Tony was sitting across from them on a seperate chair in the dining room.
"Yeah, because daddy really missed him. So he got him back!" She was happy that she knew what they were talking about so far.
"And you know how Petey got really sick after he came back, yeah?"
"Mhmm, but he's better now," Morgan missed the glances between her parents.
"No baby," Pepper rubbed her arms, "Peter isn't better."
"Then why is he home?"
"You know how Auntie May had to leave?"
Morgan nodded, she remembered because her parents took her to her grave a bunch of times and cried. "She had to go be in the stars."
"Yeah," Tony cleared his throat, "and Peter is going to join her in the stars too."
"Because he's sick?"
Tony didn't speak, he didn't want to say the wrong thing. If he said yes it could cause her to be scared of getting sick in the future with just a common cold. He also didn't want to say no, because he didn't want to confuse or lie to her.
"Well, he's really, really sick. He has cancer," Pepper was trying to articulate her words. Morgan was a smart kid and very tentative. "The cancer sometimes gets too strong."
"But- but Petey is Spider-man and he's really strong," Morgan was looking at her feet. She didn't like how sad this conversation was, her Petey couldn't go to the stars. He was already in the stars for so long and she had to wait for him. How long was he going to be in the stars this time?
"Yeah, he is really strong isn't he?" Tony said. "He still is really strong Mo, but he still has to leave. Do you understand?"
"Daddy, Peter is being mean!" Morgan crossed her arms and kicked her legs to get out of her mom's hold. "He doesn't play with me anymore! Now he's leaving!"
Tony was afraid that this would happen, she was so young and even with how smart she was, it was a hard concept to grasp. To fully understand the way that people leave the world and never return. It made it all that more confusing because Peter had been dead and did come back. How do you explain to a child that you can't hold the entire world in your hands for them.
"Baby, he wants to play with you. He's just tired. You know he loves you so much?" Pepper tried reaching for her, but she ran off to her room. They heard her cries before she fully exited.
"I'll go, you go sit with Peter," Pepper said.
"He looks just like you, it's crazy that you guys aren't blood related at all," Rhodey was staring down at Peter's slack face.
Tony was soaking him in too, "he does, doesn't he? I see it sometimes, I think he was just destined to be mine."
"How'd it go with Morgan?"
"Not good, Pepper's with her now. She'll probably have to sleep with her tonight." Tony ran a finger along the crook of Peter's arm, he took it off when Peter twitched.
"Dad?" Peter croaked, his eyes still closed.
"Yeah Roo, it's me," He went back to running his hand up and down Peter's arm.
Peter opened his eyes to slits like it was sunny in the room, even though the lights were dimmed. "W'ere's Rho'ey?"
"Right next to you, can't you smell his stench," Tony teased.
Rhodey playfully smacked Tony's chest.
"Oh good, I love you guys." Peter opened his eyes fully and moved his head to look at Rhodey to confirm his presence.
"I love you too squirt," Rhodey smiled down at him.
Tony let out a shaky breath when Peter succumbed to his fatigue again. It was hard watching the once so energetic boy slowly fade away. It wasn't fair that he got to wake up in the morning and look at the wrinkles on his own face and his greying hair, all these signs that he lived a long life. It's something people don't wish for, but Tony longs to see them on Peter. Imagines it in his dreams. The life Peter would've had if they could trade places. Tony feels selfish, selfish that he gets to live a long long life.
Tony was an asshole for the majority of his life and he's the one that deserves the awful treatment of cancer. Not Peter, the kind and selfish teenager who wouldn't hurt a fly. Peter had every right to hurt any criminal that he came across. Tony remembers one time when Peter came to the tower crying because he stopped a girl from getting raped in an alley. Tony had asked what he did to the guy who was trying to commit such a heinous act, Peter said he just webbed him to the wall and waited for the police to show up. That was the only criminal that he stayed around for when the police showed up, in order to talk to them. He wanted to make sure he was going to be put away for a long time.
Tony couldn't change the things that happen, all he could do was accept what comes and work with it. Isn't that what everyone does?
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Peter had wanted to see Gerald in the afternoon the next day. Tony helped him get a bunch of layers on, gloves, hat, scarf. He got Morgan to come with too, she was wary of Peter. Tony didn't know what Pepper said last night to her, but it must've worked because she wasn't shying away from her brother too much.
"The hat is supposed to cover your ears Mo," Pepper readjusted the flaps of the hat to go over both of Morgan's ears. "I think she's set, you guys treat Gerald well, okay?"
"Okay mom," Peter called out as he watched Tony tie up his boot for him.
After Tony was done helping Peter, he got down in front of him, turning away. "Piggy back ride?" Peter couldn't hold his own weight anymore, as his body was deteriorating. Tony thought it would be less degrading than being picked up like a toddler this way, even though he was pretty sure Peter wouldn't care either way.
"Okay," Peter leaned forward with the help of Pepper and crossed his arms around Tony's neck.
"You good?" Once Tony got a 'yes' he stood up, his arms latched around Peter's legs. "Alright, Captain Stark, lead the way!"
Morgan opened the door and frolicked into the snow towards the barn, she was carrying two large carrots in each hand. Tony following after her, trudging in the snow. It was pretty deep, he wasn't sure how she was able to run in it, much less walk fast.
Morgan was already feeding the alpaca a carrot when they got inside, "Captain Stark, can Peter have a carrot?"
Morgan looked behind her at the duo, "That's Captain Parker!"
"I'm sorry Captain, may Captain Parker obtain a carrot?"
"Yes he may!" Morgan handed a carrot to Tony, who handed it back to Peter.
Tony leaned into Gerald's space so Peter could give him the carrot.
"Dad, can I stand?" Peter knew he couldn't stand, well he could. A little. It was more like when a baby giraffe is born and they stand for the first time. He knew Tony was going to be holding him for the most part, but he wanted to try.
Tony lowered him to the ground and stood behind him to place his hands under his armpits for support. Together they walked up to Gerald.
Okay so maybe Tony wasn't taking most of his weight, but all of it. Who's to say? Peter seriously didn't give any shits, he was happy to be with Gerald for the final time. Peter wondered how long alpaca's lived for, he wouldn't mind if he had to spend some time with Gerald until Tony showed up. That sounded pretty okay to him.