Decorating with Goodbyes
Come weekend and three teenagers were stuffed into Peter's room playing some mind numbing videogame. Not many words had been shared amongst the trio since they wandered into the room. The silence holding a blanket in the air that was covering their heads and clouding them with darkness.
Ned was going to sleepover, while Mj was going to go back home after dinner. Peter really wanted to speak to her in private, but he didn't know how to bring that up to Ned. He kept glancing his way trying to convey his thoughts with his eyes, but everytime he looked over Ned was locked on the TV screen.
Ned couldn't look at Peter, when he first entered the cabin he gave Peter a grand hug. He quickly released him when he felt how thin he was and the tired look that dragged down his features. Even though Peter was smiling and full of energy, he just felt the earth shift a bit. He hasn't moved his head back in his direction since.
"Alright, this tension is driving me crazy," Mj was the first to speak up, letting Peter release a breath of air.
"Yeah, same." Peter was looking right at Ned, waiting for him to say something next, but it never came.
"We need snacks or something?" Mj was already starting to get up but Peter put his hand out to stop her.
He shook his head at her and tilted his head in Ned's direction, she knew what he was getting at and sat back down.
Peter knew Ned needed a distraction, a second to breathe, "Hey Ned, want to go find my dad and rally up some snacks?"
Ned looked up for a blink and lowered his eyes once more, "yeah- yeah. Sure, man." Ned stood up and cautiously made his way around Peter and Mj's legs.
Once Ned was gone Peter faced his whole body towards Mj, "Hey."
"Hey," She said it back monotoned.
"Uhm. I just wanted to tell you-"
"I need to say-"
They both looked up at eachother giggling off the awkwardness of speaking over eachother.
"Sorry you can go first," Peter threw his hand out for emphasis.
"Okay, I just wanted to say that I know you like me."
"What- no, I-" That's exactly what Peter was going to say, he didn't know why he was back tracking now. When she said it out loud it sounded like the worst thing in the world. Not that liking her is the worst thing in the world, just liking her right now is.
"It's okay, I like you too."
That got Peter to shutup and look into her eyes, her eyes glistened and showed an emotion that she had locked away far deep into herself.
"You do?"
"Yeah," She laughed a little. "I was totally watching you all the time in school, I thought it was pretty obvious." She brought her hand up and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Oh- I guess I just didn't notice. Sorry," Peter was terrible at this. "I don't even know why I'm bringing it up now either, it's kind of selfish."
Mj shook her head, "Selfish? No. Shitty timing? Sure, but not selfish. This," Mj was cautious with her wording, "sucks."
"Yeah, it sucks. Can't even ask you on a date," Peter turned his head away, a tear slipping down his cheek.
Mj sat up on her knees, leaning into Peter's space. She brought her hand up and pushed Peter's face in her direction, the tear still descending. His eyes were watery and almost red. She wiped his tear away with the pad of her thumb, Peter hung his mouth open wanting to say something, anything, but nothing came about it.
"We don't have to go on a date to do this," Mj whispered. She leaned in with her eyes closed and kissed him, he instinctually closed his eyes and accepted.
It was over just as it began, but Peter wanted to share his feelings too so he leaned back into her space mimicking her past movements. He kissed her as passionately as a teenaged boy could muster up and soon they were full on making out with eachother.
Peter was the one to stop it first, putting a hand on her shoulder and tugging her backwards away from himself. She understood.
"You're a good kisser," Peter panted out, she took his breath away, literally.
"I know," Mj stood up and Peter watched her as she made her way to his stuffed animal collection. She knelt down beside the pile and was eyeing them all before she picked one up.
"I'm keeping this one," she held the teddy bear close to her chest and sat back down next to Peter. The bear had a red heart over the left side of it's chest and it had an engraved 'Peter' on it. Peter got it from Natasha, she engraved it herself and was very proud when she told him about it.
Peter ran his hand over the bear's soft head one last time, "It's all yours."
Ned left the room and made it down the hall, down the stairs and into the kitchen without fail. Once he ran into Tony at the counter he stood straight up and tried to fix himself.
"You alright?" Tony was putting on his kid voice, the one he used when Morgan or Peter had a nightmare, or got hurt. The one he used when Peter was crying in pain from the chemo side effects.
That was all Tony needed to say to break one Ned Leeds. Tony was putting down the cucumber and knife and rushing Ned into his arms. They gravitated towards the floor and Ned was letting the tears flow with no signs of stopping.
"I know kid, I know." Tony held Ned close, like he was one of his own. In his heart he knew Ned was like a son, he always looked out for him like one. It only grew when he found out about him stepping up for Peter and punching Peter's bully.
That kid was one hell of a bully, Peter told Tony that when the school found out about his terminal state, that his bully had reached out. He had reached out and apologized, Tony read through the messages when Peter gave him his phone. Tony was amazed by how Peter was able to just forgive him on the spot, no questions asked, Tony knew if that was him he'd be cussing the kid out. The kid's heart was too big to do that though.
"It hurts," Ned found his voice and Tony froze for a second as his mind traveled back to all the times Peter said that exact phrase. He didn't let it over take him though, he just rubbed Ned's back and let him drench his shirt.
"Yeah, it does. I'm sorry kid," Tony had been in the grieving process since they found out that Peter might had to be placed in hospice. It's odd grieving someone who is still walking and talking, you can hold them, but they're still a reach from your grasp.
Ned swiveled out of Tony's arms and stood up, "I'm supposed to get snacks." He wiped his face with his hands, hoping he wasn't as flushed as he felt.
Tony walked to the pantry and opened the door, "what are we feeling today Mr. Leeds."
Ned took everything in, it was a large pantry filled with anything you wanted at the store, "uhm, what does Peter like?"
Tony dropped his gaze and lingered in the pantry door, searching. Peter didn't eat much. He tapped his fingers on his pants and gazed around trying to think of something that Peter would eat. He turned around and went for the fridge, "he'll probably eat some applesauces, he likes them cold, so you know." He opened the fridge and pulled out a handfull of Morgan's go-go squeezes and dropped them in Ned's hands. He thought for a moment and then grabbed a bowl in a cupboard. "Put it in there, that way we can get more snacks."
Ned did as told and followed Tony back to the pantry.
"Whatever you like kid, go ahead." Tony nudged him forward and Ned reached out for a cheese itz box. "Good pick." Tony loaded him with a couple more snacks and some juice boxes, muttering something about kids.
"You good to go back in there? Or do you need more time?" Tony squeezed Ned's shoulder for reassurance.
Ned looked down at the bowl he was carrying, "I think I'll be okay."
Tony agreed and went back to cutting up the cucumbers.
When Ned entered the room Peter ignored his red face that was totally from crying, "Dude, thanks!"
Ned looked at them skeptically, they both looked flushed and a bit giddy. He chose to ignore it.
After that they sat and talked, Ned and Mj telling Peter about what happened at school and Peter telling them about Claire and the avengers. It was a pretty balanced conversation and they laughed a lot. They had some pasta for dinner with a cucumber casserole. Peter ate some rice that Tony cooked just for him because Peter had asked.
Peter walked Mj outside to the car that Happy was driving her home in. He followed her into the backseat to say goodbye, also he didn't feel like standing in the cold. Happy was up by the house, talking to Tony, so they were alone.
"I'm going to miss you," Mj was holding back tears, she didn't know when or if she'd be back again.
Peter felt the heaviness in her statement, everything felt like that now. "I'm going to miss you too." Peter grabbed her hand.
She watched his shakiness and put her other hand on top to stop it completely. They stared at eachother and mutually leaned in for a kiss. A goodbye kiss.
Happy interrupted it, watching as they seperated their lips abruptly. He leaned back to look through the partition. "Get your ass back inside before Tony fires me," he tried to say it in his normal grumpy way, but his smile was breaking through.
Peter gave him an awkward thumbs up, saying one last small bye to Mj and walking back to the cabin as the car drove down the driveway.
Tony put his arm around Peter and led him inside the house and back to Ned.
Ned didn't want to leave. He had this gut feeling roaming his insides, that when he stepped foot outside this house, he would never step another foot back in. At least not in the same way.
Ned and Peter tried staying up all night, Peter only making it to midnight. Ned sat awake until 3 in the morning, keeping himself occupied by looking at Peter's things and watching Peter sleep. It didn't even feel weird to watch his bestfriend sleep, it just felt overwhelming.
He wondered what Peter was dreaming about, if he was dreaming at all. He also wanted to ask him every question that made way in his head. Wanted to know if Peter was scared. If he felt pain or if he wanted Ned to know anything before it was too late. He kept it to himself, it felt safer that way.
Happy was coming by at lunch to take Ned home, he still had school. He hated school. School was the worst thing in the world now, before he would look at Peter's empty desk and think about when Peter would be back. Now he looked at the empty desk and he wanted to hurl it out of the window. To make a scene, to be heard. How did everyone else in the school walk around like everything was normal, when they were missing a student. They were missing the brightest kid in the class who got in on pure scholarship, the one who was going to make valedictorian. Was, was, was.
It was worse during decathlon, Flash was made a permanent team member brushing out of alternate. Flash felt guilty about it now, Ned didn't care. He wanted Flash to feel that guilt.
Also at lunch, he was reduced to eating with Mj. Mj wasn't bad or anything, she just wasn't Peter. Sometimes she wouldn't even eat and go to the library, leaving Ned alone at the table. What Ned didn't know was that she hated it too, hated the emptiness. The way when their was supposed to be a funny quip in their conversation it grew silent now, she went to the library to fill the void. To ignore the new normal.
Ned had a feeling he wouldn't be seeing her much after Peter passes. The weight of it would feel too heavy, it already is.
"Hey Ned, check this out," Peter walked over to his closet and pulled out the Stark Tower that was now completed in its entirety.
"Woah! That's bigger than I expected."
"That's what she said," Peter mumbled. Peter looked up when Ned was dying laughing, as he was not expecting Peter to say that.
"What am I going to do without you?" Ned blurted out. He couldn't stop it from leaving his throat, it had been there ever since he found out.
Peter set the tower on the ground and sat on top of his bed. He laid all the way back with his legs still dangling over the side. He kept quiet. Didn't know what to say. Ned meandered over and laid right next to him, a few inches between their heads.
"I don't think I can live in a world without you."
Peter kept his head straight up, looking at the stars that were over his bed. Tony put them there as a joke, but Peter actually loved them. He wondered if he'd actually be amongst the real stars or not.
"Ned, you're gonna do just fine without me. It's going to hurt, a lot, but eventually it won't hurt as much," Peter sniffed. "Also, you'll never be without me. I'm always going to be with you, always." Peter turned his head to look at Ned, who was already staring back.
"Always?" Ned cried back.
"Mhmm, always."
Ned sat up and pulled Peter up after, pulling him into a bear hug.
Peter pulled away a little, "Mj took one of my bears, you know you can take whatever you want of mine too. It might help, I always kept Ben's clothes." Peter could only help those around him with the ways he knew how he grieved, and he knew a lot about grieving.
Ned nodded, "yeah, that'd be nice."
Peter pulled away, finally breaking their connection. He looked around the room, at all his possessions that were just going to be memories for everyone. Peter thought about giving Ned a bear too, but he wanted to give him more.
Peter looked down at his wrists, he'd been wearing his webshooters ever since he got discharged. He knew he didn't need them, it just felt good to wear them. Peter uncuffed them and placed them in Ned's hands. Ned looked at it in shock, slowly looking up at Peter, Peter gave him a smile.
"You're my guy in the chair, you deserve them." Peter knew he had extras somewhere, lying around in his room or in Tony's lab. That way Tony could have a pair also.
Ned looked at them, turning them every which way, "really?" He sucked up the snot that was edging his nose. "Thanks."
"Well- put them on," Peter encouraged.
"Yeah, yeah," Ned fastened them to his wrist and then with approval he shot a web at the wall. "Woah!"
Peter stood up, "oh I almost forgot," he rummaged around in his desk drawer, pulling out a couple small vials. He walked back over and handed them to Ned, "extra web cartridges, you can use them for emergencies and stuff. Whatever you want. Also I don't think the web fluid expires, but that's something you can test out." Peter was trying to give Ned something to look forward to, something to help him in the future. So he would have a future.
"Thanks man, I- this is so cool."
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The next few days were spent with festive holiday music playing all around the house. Peter loved Christmas, everyone always seemed extra happy around this time and helped others out more than any other time around the year. Rhodey was hanging up lights, putting them in every nook over the wall where it met the ceiling.
Morgan urged them to decorate Gerald's barn, she couldn't stand the thought of him being without christmas lights. Pepper was helping her out in the barn with Casey tagging along, while the boys stayed inside. The tree was stood in the corner, it was undecorated, the tree is what they'll all do together.
Tony sat on the living room floor, taking a much needed break. He hadn't even done much, he was just exaggerating so he could sit with Peter. Peter gets tired easily by doing the smallest things, so he thought he'd chill out and make him comfortable. The cancer was spreading, that much was obvious.
Last night Peter had taken a shower, afterwards he was too tired to get dressed so he called Tony in for some help. While doing so he made a discovery, there was a rash on Peter's left leg. Tony freaked out and called in Casey who had to calmly explain that the cancer was most likely spreading to his skin. Tony almost said, 'well we gotta do something about it'. Instead he just held Peter closer that night while they watched Starwars on the couch.
Peter had complained of a headache earlier this morning, Casey had had to up his medication. It made him a bit fuzzy for the first hour, but he snapped out of it later on. So here they sat, on the floor decorating gingerbread cookies on the coffee table.
"Hey Rhodes, fetch me a beer?" Tony wasn't one to drink, not after Pepper pulled him from his lab to tell him about her being pregnant. He only drank when he was with a friend and it was only one drink, never more. He never even allowed himself to get buzzed. Also this wasn't even about him, he wanted to let Peter have some.
"Sure," Rhodey hopped down from the chair he was standing on, which was impressive considering his leg braces, and got two beers. One for himself, one for Tony. "Here," Rhodey sat next to Peter.
Tony popped off the cap and took a swig, he then pushed the bottle towards Peter's hand that was pipping frosting. Peter looked up quizzically.
"You've never had alcohol, not that I know of," Tony winked. "What's the worst that can happen?" The worst that can happen, well nothing. It wasn't like he was going to get damaged from one drink, and even if he did it wouldn't matter because his kid was dying. He was holding it together so they could have small moments like this.
Peter set down the frosting and grabbed the bottle, he looked over at Rhodey who tilted his own bottle for a cheers. Peter clinked his bottle against Rhodey's and went for a sip. Tony watch in anticipation, he never knew that he needed this. If he didn't do it now, he would always be wondering. He knew he would've because when the snap happened Peter would have already been 21. He had wondered about it then and would have continued to do so, not anymore.
Peter put the bottle back on the table with a grimace on his face, "Yuck!" Rhodey and Tony let out a laugh, "That's fucking disgusting."
Tony grabbed the bottle, "no more drinking for you, not after you cursed."
"Good, that is the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth," Peter reached for his own cup that was filled with hot chocolate and downed it, trying to get the awful taste off his tongue.
They didn't decorate the tree until two days later, when Peter was up for it. Tony hung the lights and tinsel, Pepper was dragging out boxes that held the ornaments. There was a special box that was Peter and May's, it held all of Peter's home decorated ornaments and ones he made at school in elementary.
"No way! You kept that?" Peter rushed to the box and say on his knees digging through the bin. He was looking for a particular decoration. Once he found it he held it close to himself in admiration.
Pepper sat close by, trying to sneak a peak. "What's that one?"
"Oh, it's my mom and dad's. It was a gift from a friend at their wedding, it has their anniversary on it. It's the only one I have left of theirs. I- I accidentally dropped a bag that held some others, but they all broke- all of them except this one." Peter held it out for Pepper to see.
She grabbed it gently and inspected it. It was white with the top and bottom covered in baby blue, 'Mary and Richard Parker' was written out in fancy writing in the middle along with the anniversary date. She smiled at it and handed it back.
"Want to hang it?" She knew Peter felt shy about these things, including his own family items and traditions into theirs. He felt bad about interrupting theirs, it was silly really, but it's just the way he worked.
Peter looked at it one more time, "yeah." He got up and looked at the tree, no ornaments on it yet. He felt bad putting his own family's ornament on the tree first.
"Go ahead Pete," Tony was finishing the tinsel and stepped back to look at his job to see if he needed to fix anything.
With the go ahead, Peter placed the ornament right at his own height, stepping back against Tony to look at it. Tony ruffled his head, there wasn't any curls on it yet but there would be soon.
"Good choice," Tony clapped his hands, "alright let's crank the tunes and getting this tree going.
Peter and Morgan did most of the decorating, Pepper snapping some photos and Tony just watching his two kids. They decorated the whole tree and once it was done they sat around and ate some cookies.
Morgan got everyone's attention by gasping loud.
"What?" Tony was on his feet, heading towards her in 5 seconds flat.
"The star daddy! We forgot it!" She was pointing frantically at the top of the tree.
Tony felt his heart rate lower significantly at the finding. He put his hand over his chest and laughed a little. Don't his kids know that he has a heart condition?
"Wanna do it Morguna?" Tony walked over to the box that held the star and pulled it out.
"No!" She crossed her arms over her chest in a way that only cute bratty kids could pull off. "I'm eating my cookie."
Tony looked over at Peter, who was not eating his cookie, but was rather taking the frosting off with his finger and eating only that. "You wanna do it Roo?"
"Oh? Sure!" Peter loved putting the star on, he had always put the star on every year. Ben used to lift him up in order to do it and then slowly he got tall enough to where he didn't need the help. Last year, or 5 years ago he guessed, he just climbed the wall and did it that way. It got a good laugh out of May and a scolding.
Peter grabbed the star and then looked up at the tree, there was no way he'd be able to reach the top without getting on a chair. Tony had been using one while putting on the lights and he was the one who put the ornaments that reached that high. Peter looked at the chair, he wasn't that steady on his legs anymore. He was fearing that he'd fall off and cause a scene or worse, fall into the tree and take the whole thing down with him. The thought was mortifying.
Tony saw his frustration and walked up behind Peter and lifted him so he was on his shoulders. He wanted to gag at how light he was, god he felt lighter than Morgan. His back wasn't even going to hurt after, that was the problem. Peter didn't seem to care, he actually looked happy. Peter placed the star on top and angled it just right so it wasn't lopsided.
"How's it look mom?" Peter asked from above Tony.
Pepper tilted her head and moved her hand in a 'come here' motiom but to the side, "a little more to the left baby." Peter turned back to the star and did as told, he looked back at Pepper who gave him two thumbs up.
Tony gathered Peter into his arms and lowered him back to the floor, judging the tree for himself. It looked pretty good and no he wasn't being biased.
After dinner that night Tony found Peter passed out on the couch with his headphones in, music still playing. He reached over and paused the song, gently pulling off the earbuds and tucking Peter in with a blanket. He knelt down and kiss his forehead.
As he was setting down the phone he caught a glimpse of the song that was playing, 'Brent Morgan - Gonna Be Okay'. Tony smiled at it, never heard of the singer or song before. He clicked the phone off and looked at Peter one last time, later in the evening he would transfer him to his bed. Right now he was okay to lay there, they felt better with him in their sight.
Tony went down to his mini lab in the basement, he still had some christmas gifts he wanted to finish. He tossed the Spider-man suit mechanics off to the side and got comforable in his chair.
"Fri, pull up the doll house blue prints." The instructions materialized in front of him and he looked them over, thinking to himself.
"Fri play Gonna Be Okay by Brent Morgan."
The AI responded by playing the song over the speaker.
'Dont listen to the voice inside your head, you're doing just fine, you're trying your best. If noone ever told you, it's all gonna be okay.'