Breathe
Pepper and Tony were cramed into Helen's office, sitting side by side with one of their knees touching. Pepper's hand was lightly placed over Tony's that was resting on his thigh. Tony didn't have a good feeling about this because Helen not only waited for Pepper to get home, but she waited for Peter to be asleep so he wouldn't overhear.
Helen was in front of them, the only noise in the room was her clicking the mouse on the computer every few seconds. A halogram of a scan materialized next to their faces. Helen stood up and sat on her desk, so she was still in front of the couple but she could also point at the scan without reaching over her desk.
Tony knew these scans, he knew it was showing where Peter's cancer was. He turned his head into his shoulder, because why was she showing this?
"These are Peter's first CT scans, leukemia is already malignant because it moves throughout the blood stream," she points to the collect of different dark spots.
She reaches over her desk and clicks some more and then a second image appears. It's much different, the cancer can be seen in a lot of areas, especially his spine.
"This one was taken after his seizure, as you can see this is how the spine was affected. It's crazy because his blood cell count was pretty good, we wouldn't have known it spread until we did our regular scans, considering Peter never mentioned his headaches." She then shows them another one. "This one was taken a day ago." She sits back to let them stare at it, to take it all in.
There were spurts of cancer inbetween bones and it looked like there was no difference in the amount in his spine.
"What's that?" Pepper pointed to a dark mass that was clearly by an organ, she just didn't know her anatomy well.
Helen looked at what she was pointing at, "that's his liver." She let them explore the scan with their eyes for a few seconds before jumping in again. "The cancer shifted directly into his bone marrow, it's starting to invade his liver and also," she points to something else, another organ, "this is a kidney, I know it's hard to see, but that right there is where it's invading his kidney. The iron chelators were helping his spine, but his body stopped responding to them. I'm not sure when, as it happened suddenly."
"So we take out his kidney or something? Fix up his liver?" Tony was confused why they weren't working on his kid. Why weren't they putting him in emergency surgery to fix this?
Helen shut down the scans so they could both focus on her words instead, "we can't take out his kidney or save his liver, it would make him weaker and he's already weak. He's slowly not responding to treatment and there's no other options, Bruce and I both agree that we should consider stopping-"
"Agree? What about us- huh? 'You both' agree, this is a kid you're talking about." Tony stood up, Pepper's hand falling from his, "What about a bone marrow transplant? Why can't we do one of those?"
Helen's used to this, Tony not knowing what to do because he isn't the one in control, "I'm afraid not, you've seen the scans. It is littered in most of his bones, it's too advanced." Her voice was low and quiet so that Tony would forcefully have to calm down in order to hear her.
"I don't understand then, what are you saying?" Pepper tugged Tony back into his chair and clasped her hand around his in a tight grip.
"I'm going to suggest that we take this round of chemo, we do another scan at the end of it. If the scan is progressively worse we stop the treatments as he isn't responding." They aren't going to like what she has to say next, but they need to know the weight of what's going on beforehand so they don't push their freakouts onto Peter. "If that happens, we are looking down the road of hospice care."
Pepper's hand shoots over her mouth, stifling her cry. Tony's eyebrows furrow up and then he looks at Pepper and then back at Helen.
Tony huffed, "So- how long then huh?" He wasn't accepting this, he was taking it as a huge elaborate prank.
"Tony, I just want you to know what's going to happen. Tony sit down, you need to breath," she got up to block the door, but she was too late.
Pepper was frozen in place, shock overtaken her body, much like the cancer has done to Peter's. She didn't know what she needed in that moment, did she need to hold Peter or lock herself away and scream, she wasn't sure. Probably both. She just needed to pick the order.
Tony was back in the gym, it just felt like a good place to breathe. He has had so many breakdowns in the gym since Peter's diagnosis. This time he made sure noone was in there, he lined himself up with the punching bag that was hanging and ran at it full force. It barely budged and felt like he ran into a wall, it must be Steve's. God did that feel good.
Tony took to punching it a few times, over and over, ignoring the blood that was splattering from his knuckles. It felt nice, punching the bag was like saying 'fuck you cancer'.
Of course someone had to show up and ruin his own little therapeutic session, he outta blame Friday because why else would someone show up to the gym, it was late at night. He didn't intend to stop, he was far too deep into it. He wanted to feel the pain. He needed to feel it.
"Tony," the footsteps were getting closer and with it the voice grew, "Tony!"
"What the fuck do you want spangles!" He laid an extra hard punch that made the bones in his pointer and middle finger bend to the side.
"Tony, stop you're hurting yourself."
"That's kind of the point."
Steve walked up and pushed Tony to the ground, straddling him so he wouldn't be able to get up from on his back.
"What the hell!" Tony tried pushing him off, but it was no use it was like watching a bird fight a lion. "Get off of me!"
"No, what are you doing? Look at your hands," Steve pick up Tony's right hand and shoved it towards Tony's eyes. "Do you see that? They're broken."
Tony shrugged and cocked his head to the side. No shit they were broken.
"I'm not letting you up until you explain," Steve crossed his arms over his chest.
"I can't- so just get the fuck off me."
Steve already knew that it had to be about Peter, it had been for a while now. They always caught him down here after Peter was asleep and Pepper was with him. He just needed to know why this time so he could help.
"You can and you will, is it about Peter?"
Steve watched as Tony's face dropped and then as fast as it dropped he sucked it back up.
"Yeah," Tony breathed. His face morphed into a smile, an extremely big one that covered half of his face. He then laughed deliriously. "Oh god Steve, it's not good," he laughed out.
Steve sat stock still on top of Tony, he inched off and sat heavy on his butt. He didn't quite understand.
"He- he oh god," Tony's smile faded and he broke, "he's dying." Tony bit his lower lip to quell his sob, it did nothing to help.
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Peter was laying down on his back refusing to give his full attention to the man that was sitting next to his bed. He was dressed in a T-shirt and Jeans, and holding a clipboard of sorts. He kept asking questions after questions, nothing too hard, just simple questions that he could answer with yes or no. Such as 'do you go to school?' And 'do you like doing your school work?' Peter knew he was trying to get his vibe, but then he started asking open ended questions and those were a bit more difficult. Such as the one he just asked.
"Why don't you enjoy doing your school work?" The man crossed his leg over the other and leaned back, trying to show he wasn't as interested as he was so maybe Peter would feel more inclined to answer.
Peter let out a breath and continued to stare up at the ceiling. What kind of idiot would bring in a therapist to a cancer patient who just finished a bag of chemo. He didn't feel like vomiting, but what if he did? Then what? He wondered if he should pretend to be in excruciating pain, just to make the guy leave. Even if he acted like he was in pain, it wouldn't be a lie because he was. At this point the dull aches were tolerable though.
"Is it because it's difficult?" The man tried again.
"No," Peter was being curt and showing his irritation on his sleeve.
The man hummed and then sat forward, he put his clipboard down, "maybe it's too easy then." He didn't even say it like a question, he just stated it simply.
Peter turned his head a bit, just to glare at the man, because he was right on the money. Peter nodded. "My friend- Ned, he's been giving me my school work ever since- anyways he's been giving me my homework. It's just that I noticed- that he wasn't giving me all of it. He's been only giving me the stuff that requires the least work, I get it, I do. He's just tryna be nice because I'm not feeling well. I need the distraction though, I love when problems are hard because then I can focus all my energy on trying to figure it out." Peter sat up a little so he didn't have to have his neck at a weird angle. "It's not even the homework either, my dad and I, we used to do projects almost everynight. I just want to do a project."
The man had the audacity to smile, just because he got Peter to open up just slightly didn't mean shit.
"You just want them to act normal around you," Peter nodded in relief because he got it, "that's understandable."
Peter looked back down at the sheets and reached his hand down to fiddle with some tubing. He huffed a breath and mentally said 'well here goes nothing', "you know, I- I know I'm gonna die."
If the man was shocked by what Peter said he didn't show it, he just sat back against the chair again and pondered. "Why do you say that?"
"I just- I just can feel it? I can sense it. I don't know how to explain it, but it's just there." Peter still wouldn't look up, he didn't want to know if the man's face changed or not.
"Does that scare you?"
Peter shrugged, "I don't know, I've been thinking about it for some time." He dared a glance up, "I've been thinking about it ever since I had that seizure. I was secretly googling things, I know I shouldn't have, but I'm sixteen and the internet is my life." Peter laughed when the man did. "But, I think it's okay. I'm pretty tired of all this," Peter glanced around the room and gestured to the monitors. "I've wanted to stop for a while, but I can't do that to my parents."
"It's hard to see others reactions to the things that are happening to you."
"Yeah, exactly. I've witnessed them crying when they think I'm asleep or their pity looks when I'm visibly in pain. I understand that it's happening to them too, just in a different way."
Peter continued to talk to the man for another half hour and then eventually he actually was in excruciating pain. He didn't cry in front of the stranger and he counted that as a win in itself.
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Helen took Peter in for his CT scan yesterday and now they were just waiting for her to tell them. Peter's week had been rough, sleeping on and off, throwing up, too shaky to sit up, and pain that they couldn't manage very well. And worst of all, Tony and Pepper had to sit down with him and explain what it would mean if the scans came back worse. They were surprised when Peter broke down in their arms, they were used to him holding in his emotions and trying to act strong.
Helen entered the room and sat at the foot of Peter's bed, she wanted to make everyone feel comfortable. She opened her folder and laid out the printed scan on the bedspread.
As they looked at it she began to speak, "Unfortunately his body isn't responding to the treatment." She went to continue but Pepper let out a sob and it threw her off guard. She was a doctor, but this was hard for her too, she's known Peter for a very long time.
Tony rubbed Pepper's shoulder and wiped at his own eyes. Peter just stared blankly at the scan. Helen took a moment to breathe, it would be inappropriate to cry in front of the patient.
She didn't have to say anything a long the lines of "He's going to die", because they already knew that. She opted to say, "are there any questions?"
Peter looked up, "yeah. Can you leave?" Helen was taken back by this but Peter quickly recovered it, "sorry, I mean, like. Can you all leave? Please. I just- I wanna be alone." His voice was small.
"Baby, I don't think-" Pepper's voice trailed off as Tony pushed her to stand and walk out of the room. He couldn't give Peter his life back, but he could give him this.
As soon as the room was cleared Peter sobbed into his pillow to muffle the sound. He knew he was dying, he even said it out loud when he spoke to that stupid therapist. But feeling it and knowing were two different things.
How were his friends going to reaction, or the avengers and oh god, what about his baby sister. He was never going to do a decathlon competition ever again, or even graduate. He wasn't going to drive a car. He never got to do that, he lived in New York and begged Tony not to get him a car for his 16th birthday because he took the subway anyways. He'd never get to have his first real drink of alcohol or go to prom. He would never get married or have kids, he never even told Mj how he felt about her. He's never even kissed a girl. He didn't even know how long he had left.
After Peter had his meltdown, he let Friday know that they could all come back in. They were discussing if Peter had anything in mind that he wanted to do before, well the inevitable. They suggested visiting France or Iceland, but Peter didn't care about seeing the world. He asked if they could just go back to the cabin, he really missed Gerald. He really did. He also knew how much his family loved the cabin and it would be pretty peaceful, especially with Christmas coming up.
Helen was informing them about what they would need to bring for Peter in order for him to be comfortable there. They knew he'd need hospice and he'd need the care right away, so they were going to bring Casey, Peter's favorite nurse with them. Casey used to annoy Peter because she'd always stick him with needles and fill him with medication at the most obnoxious times, but they grew on eachother.
"How- how long?" Peter was the one that braved the question that they were all wondering.
"It's hard to say, it could be weeks or days, maybe even months. At the most I'd put it at three months, but this is all new territory. I wish I had a better answer."
"That's okay," Peter brushed it off, the question was more for his family then him anyways.
"Peter when the time comes, you might have difficulty breathing or other problems. If that happens do you want extra assistance, such as oxygen?" Helen knew these were tough questions, but if they got it out of the way now, they wouldn't have to struggle with it later.
Peter looked at his parents for help, they looked back at him giving him no opinions. This was about what he wanted, it wasn't about them. Peter gripped a wad of his blanket in his hands, this was a tricky question. If he didn't get the assistance he would be dead faster, but if he did he would live a bit longer. What if it would hurt to breathe without the assistance though? He didn't know what he wanted. "Sure." He thought it would be good to say yes and if he changed his mind later on that it would be okay also.
Helen nodded and wrote that down for the nurse, "How about the G-tube? We can leave it in or take it out." Helen was keeping her voice monotoned in order to not sway Peter in either direction. Keeping the G-tube in would help keep up his nutrition value, but they could also simply give him IV nutrients as well. Helen scratched the idea of taking it out because he would need it in order to keep him comfortable, the IV nutrients wouldn't help suffice hunger pains if he got them after stopping the feedings. "We're gonna keep the tube in." Peter nodded at that, he didn't want to decide that either.
"That's all I've got for you, anything in particular you want to ask before I let you go?" Helen smiled at them. After they left today she wouldn't see Peter ever again.
Peter licked his lips and looked up at his mom and dad, he didn't have any questions left, but they might.
"No, I think we're all good." Tony slapped his thigh and stood up, shaking Helen's hand, "Thank you."
"Of course," Helen stood up and closed her folder, "I'll see you when you get discharged." She patted Peter's beanie, making him laugh.
Peter watched as Pepper sobbed into her hands again, she felt awful for breaking in front of her son, her dying son. He needed to know that he wasn't alone in this. It was going to be a difficult journey, but they were going to do it together.
Peter stuck out his hand for his mom to grab, he leaned onto her shoulder and squeezed her hand. "It's gonna be okay mom." He looked at Tony and spared a smile, "It's gonna be okay."