“Spiderman gives me gender envy.”
“What?”
It took everything in Peter not to scream. He was drastically more embarrassed than Harry. It felt the same as when his classmates talked about how hot Spidey was. The novelty had worn off and Peter was starting to worry that if they saw Spiderman’s face without the mask, that Spiderman wouldn’t measure up. While this was different, it still meant that Harry had some ideas about Spidey that Peter couldn’t measure up to.
“But you haven't even seen his face.”
Harry cringed and Peter started to internally panic. Did Harry know he’s Spiderman? Was this his way of saying that his best friend is his ideal?
“It’s because I can’t see his face.”
Peter stared blankly at Harry.
“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”
Harry let out an exasperated sigh.
“I hate my face, Pete. A lot actually. But Spiderman could have a haircut way better than this. Better than what I could do myself and I have a credit card with my dad’s filthy money on it. I could have gone to a barbershop. But what was I gonna say? ‘Hi, I’d like a boy’s haircut.’ I’d get mocked or they’d just ‘feminize’ it like they always do. And I was so scared of the looks people might give me or the way they’d talk about me. And Spiderman probably has facial hair – unlike me who it’s impossible for. If I could wear a mask things would be easier. If I had his body, things would be easier.”
Peter didn't protest. He knew that Spiderman’s body wasn’t something anybody wanted.
Spiderman was rarely at peace. It was those few moments, when the sky was dark and the world was quiet, that his senses relaxed. Until he had to come back down. Then his body ached again, never seeming to heal fast enough. Without the wind in his hair, he was aware of every inch of skin. Every scratch seemed to stand out and every scar made him sink deeper into his clothes.
Peter was clumsy, making his height a curse instead of an attractive feature. He bumped into everything in his path and always seemed to stomp around with a purpose. It was difficult to maintain any subtlety as Peter Parker.
But Harry didn’t mean Spiderman’s body specifically – he didn't even mean Peter's body - and Peter recognized that. Harry meant it would be easier if he was amab. So Peter closed his mouth and didn’t argue. How could he? Doing so would deny Harry’s struggle. Besides, Harry never insinuated that Spidey was without struggles – just that Spidey didn’t have his in particular. And that was true.
“I don’t know what to say to that,” he answered honestly and Harry laughed.
It wasn’t his usual awkward laugh. Harry was content to have gotten the feeling off his chest, though that wasn’t what he actually wanted off his chest.
“I guess there is nothing else to say other than, I care about you and I accept you. You don’t need to put on a front or anything for me to see you as you.”
Harry nodded. He truly did feel safe around Peter and Peter felt at home with him too.