Time is the Only Constant

“6pm still good?” Steve stepped away from the bag he had been working, with slightly labored breath. 

“Still good,” Maria wiped her own face with the towel she had picked up after finishing her workout, “You’re sure it’s not too much trouble?”

“Hill,” he flashed his million-dollar smile and shook his head, “it’s my one and only plan until the 25th. No trouble at all.”

“Thanks, I’ll make sure the car has gas,” the Deputy Director inclined her head and walked back towards the locker room to get ready for the day.

It was a fine line between boss and friend. Part of her would always want to talk more about her life, about Ellie, and thank Steve for taking them to the airport while they were at work. On the other hand, part of her wanted to stay guarded and not speak a word about the details of her day when she was away from work in front of her friends. The mental gymnastics she did daily was tiring, but she would gladly do it if it meant being able to keep both her job and her friends safe.    

She turned the shower on and stepped under the water, using the icy spray to quiet her mind if only for a moment. It had been two weeks since Ellie had returned to school and while there were improvements in a lot of areas, there were complete standstills in others. Dr. Furgeson tried to explain that it was a common response, but Maria couldn’t help but feel like she was doing it all wrong and keeping her daughter from healing faster. 

The brunette held her breath and stuck her head under the cold water, holding still until all she could think about was the freezing temperature. She came out of the other side gasping for air, with a mind that didn’t yell at her quite so loudly. The locker room began to fill with more agents (most of which averted their eyes as they saw the Commander) as Maria finished getting ready and set out for her last day before Christmas vacation. 

They had decided on leaving town and heading to the farm just before the holiday and returning just after the new year. It gave them a little over 5 days for Ellie to try to enjoy the Barton kids before coming back to school. All of the adults in the girl's life had hoped that it would continue to bring a sense of normality and security after the ordeals of having undergone chemical subjugation once more.   

“Ma’am,” one of her agents greeted as she walked into the room. 

Maria gave a curt nod and continued into the control room, already agents were testing mics and equipment both in the room and on the massive screens in front of them. She quietly took her seat at the helm of it all and checked the clock, one hour until the mission would take place which gave her enough time to review the plan and contingency plans.

It was a difficult operation with a small team of agents looking to take down a weapons manufacturer in a sandy region of southeast Vietnam. Not only was the intel shoddy at best, but the entire area was flat desert surrounded by miles and miles of jungle meaning that as soon as the agents were in the open, they were easily spotted by whoever may have been waiting in the tree line. The whole operation made her uncomfortable but it had come down from top brass, by word of Jasper Sitwell, meaning there was little Maria could do but plan out alternative routes and hope for the best. 

She finished reading as one of the agents approached her, “We’re ready, ma’am.”

“Alright everyone, last communications check,” she placed her own headset on and listened to the buzz of agents around her fade and the ones thousands of miles away come in clearly. 

“Agent 56,” she watched as the team lead’s mic levels came to life, “coms check.”

“Good ma’am,” their voice came in clearly. 

“Mic’s muted on our end unless absolutely necessary,” She looked around the room that had now fallen nearly silent, “name of the game is stealth until those explosives are detonated, understood?”

The commander listened to the confirmations on both sides and nodded. She watched as the blinking dots on the screen all got into position, their body cams picking up exactly what each agent was seeing.  

“Agent 56, we're ready when you are.”    

“Ready to rock and roll on our end, going dark,” the agent spoke one last time as their dot began to move forward. 

One by one the agents moved through the jungle and into the opening where the cement building stood in the center of the clearing. The members of the room spoke only a few times, directing the agents in Vietnam on where to go and what they were seeing at a satellite level. It was near the middle of the day in the Asian country which Maria hated, it left them more exposed and without much of a heat map, but their intel had let them know it was when the shift change happened and they could take the building down with minimal engagement. 

The room watched as each member of the small team pulled out explosive devices and arranged them around the outside of the building. It took longer than anticipated, it had rained earlier that day causing the adhesive to lose grip as it was placed. Maria absentmindedly picked at her cuticles while her eyes darted from one monitor to another. 

“We’re going to have to set the last 3 inside,” Agent 56’s voice cut through quietly, “Agent 98 are you still at the back entrance?”

“Yes, sir,” her voice was slightly louder. 

“Permission to enter and place explosives?” the agent asked the triskelion team. 

“Granted, in and out as quickly as possible,” the Deputy Director knew the risks of this, “Indigo team return to transport.”

She watched as the remaining dots finished their work and retreated towards the treeline where the quinjet was waiting. 

“Ma’am,” one of the agents in the room called out just as Maria saw what they were looking at. 

“Indigo team prepare for engagement,” the heat map showed a large group moving quickly towards the agents. 

Time simultaneously slowed and raced by as it happened. The team called out that they were walking into a near ambush and returning fire as the two remaining agents reported the same thing inside the building. Her headset exploded with gunfire and yelling as the screens in front of her flashed violent images of agents and weapons manufacturers clashing. And then, through the chatter, agents 56 and 98 called out that they had been pinned, that they wouldn’t make it back to the rendezvous point.   

“Cypress protocol,” Agent 56 choked out. 

It would be the last words the agent would ever speak. 

Maria clenched her jaw and squared her shoulders, waiting for the second agent's confirmation for themselves. 

“Cypress… Cypress protocol,” the second agent’s breathing was labored. 

“Agent 83, assume command position based on cypress protocol,” the Commander spoke calmly despite the emotions raging under the surface, “detonate and evacuate asap.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Agent 83’s voice was somber as they detonated the building with their two fellow teammates inside, “wheels up in 45 seconds.” 

The room was silent as they watched the building go up in flames. The new agents sat in disbelief, the seasoned agents shook their heads, a few of them cursing, and the old agents sat quietly, one of them muttering prayers as they clasped their hands together. Maria remained calm, closed her eyes for a moment, and then gathered her thoughts to continue working even as if felt like she couldn’t breathe. Not everyone had the privilege of being able to feel their emotions, herself included, work needed to be done. 

“Indigo team, status report,” she could hear her own voice echo off the walls around her. 

“Mission complete ma’am,” Agent 83’s voice wavered, “minor injuries sustained by all agents not including the pilot, one GSW, two agents KIA.”

“Thank you, report to base Echo-12 for medical care,” she double-checked that it was the closest SHIELD base, “secondary support is going to see you through until you land. Each person on this operation did what needed to be done and I want to personally thank you all for your work. If you would all indulge me in a moment of silence for Agent 56 and Agent 98 who gave the ultimate sacrifice.”  

The room was silent. Maria prayed for those they lost, adding them to the list she had of each member of her life that was no longer there. Some would forget over time, but not her. Not Maria. Those people would be on her list until one day she was on it too. 

“Thank you,” she broke the silence and stood from the desk as the secondary team came in. 

She gave them a quick report of what occurred, a warning of what they were about to witness as they looked at the monitors and reviewed the footage. It was midday as she scanned her badge and rode the elevator up to her office, a mountain of work to be done and a sea of emotions to keep in line as she struggled to keep air in her lungs. 

It would be a grueling few hours before she finally finished up everything and walked down to the Center to pick up the child who still hid in her cubby every day after Liam left. She tried her best to keep a calm face as she walked into the room but couldn’t find it in herself to do much more than check the girl out and leave, not staying to chat with some of the workers as she typically would. 

“Mommy?” Ellie called from her spot in her car seat as Maria started the engine. 

“Yeah,” she glanced into the rearview mirror where the child pointed to her seatbelt that Maria had forgotten to clasp, “shit.” 

The brunette got out of the car and secured the buckles before getting back into the driver's seat and diligently paying attention on their way home, even if her mind tried to sidetrack her as she did so. 

“Okay with PB&J before the plane ride?” she asked the girl as they walked into the apartment, it was truly the only thing she felt up to making.

<ok> Ellie nodded and sat down on the couch with her tablet. Maria had never been one for too much screen time but she was grateful for it as she threw two sandwiches together. The whole time she had to remind herself to breathe, even when it felt like she couldn’t.  

She double-checked that their suitcases were packed and that she had everything she needed to work from the farm. She originally had thought she would get a few days without having to do it but after the events of the day, that dream was quickly erased. 

Steve R: Here when you are ready. 

Maria: down in 5

“Okay Ellie girl, time to go,” she looked at the child who still had peanut butter on her face and sighed.

“Go,” the child parroted. 

<Farm> Maria signed, “Steve is going to take us in our car so we don’t have to get in a car with a stranger.”

She had explained the plan to the girl for the last few days, but still, she repeated it and watched as some of the tension left the child’s body. Dr. Furgeson had agreed with Maria that it seemed like Ellie did better when she had the details of what would happen. 

After a little more coaxing the two of them walked out of the apartment and down to the garage where Steve was already waiting for them. 

“Hey there Sweetheart,” he smiled and crouched down and gave her a thumbs up, “I like your pajamas” 

“Hi America man,” she held one finger back up to the man and half hid behind Maria’s leg as she looked at the space print pajamas she wore. 

The woman smiled at the gesture between the two before unlocking the car and letting Steve load the suitcase as she buckled Ellie in, not forgetting this time. 

It wasn’t a long drive to the airport but Maria still found herself blinking at how quickly they had gotten there. She turned to apologize to Steve for a lack of conversation before he held up a hand to stop her. 

“I heard what happened with your OP today, let me know if there’s anything I can do,” he lowered his hand and placed it on Maria’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, and thanks for taking us,” she let the weight of his hand grounder her as she took a moment to breathe before getting out of the car. 

The night air was cold, she thought about how different the temperature was in DC compared to Vietnam as they walked into the airport. She thought about how different the plane was from the quinjet as they sat in their seats. She thought about how different picking up her daughter was than picking up dead and wounded teammates as she lifted a sleeping Ellie into her arms. No matter what she did, she thought of Indigo team, of her brothers in the Army, of her own terrible missions. 

“Hey!” Clint called out from the truck as they stood at passenger pickup. 

“Hey,” Maria gave a one-armed hug as the other remained wrapped around the sleeping child. 

“Here let me get your bags, go ahead and put her in Lila’s car seat, or Coops, or… really wherever you want.”

Ellie didn’t stir as they loaded into the truck and were on their way into the snow-covered darkness. The stars were on full display as Maria tilted her head against the window and stared, forgetting once again to talk to the other occupant of the vehicle. Her chest felt tight again like she couldn’t breathe.  

“You good there Ria?” Clint asked, most likely not for the first time. 

“Yeah,” she lied before letting out a breath, “actually… no.”

“Want to talk about it?” he turned down the Christmas music that Maria had just realized was playing. 

“Had an OP go sideways today, two KIA. Two um…” she cleared her throat and corrected, “two cypress protocols actually.” 

The archer flexed his fingers, knowing that the protocol was essentially code for agents who had given their lives voluntarily to minimize loss of life on rescue attempts. To have it happen once in a mission was terrible, twice was devastating.  

“Ria, I’m so sorry.” 

She nodded in the darkness, not trusting her voice as she mentally ran through the list of people she had lost once more. The rest of the drive was quiet as they drove to the farm, neither pressuring the other to talk. By the time they turned onto the dirt road, it was late and the house only had one light on in the living room. 

“Hey,” Laura smiled brightly as Maria carried Ellie into the living room.  

“Let me go put her to bed and I’ll be back down,” The Commander walked up the stairs and to the familiar guest room where she tucked Ellie in and left алена on the nightstand. 

By the time she got back to the living room, it was clear Clint had already explained what happened to Laura who wrapped Maria up in a hug. 

“I’m so glad you’re here,” the woman whispered into Maria’s ear. 

“Me too,” she felt herself sink into the hug. 

“Need anything? Food? Coffee? Tea?” the mom looked her in the eye, herself looking tired. 

“No, no, I’m fine,” Maria shook her head, “you guys go to sleep, I’m just going to finish up a few more things.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind, you know I don’t mind.” Laura questioned. 

“And you know I’ll always eat,” Clint smiled. 

“I’ll take you up on it tomorrow,” Maria shook her head. 

“Okay, goodnight. Don’t stay up too late okay?”

The brunette nodded, even though the two of them knew she would in fact stay up too late. 

“Night, Ria,” Clint yawned and headed up the stairs. 

She pulled out her laptop and sat down at the table in the kitchen where she began to work, and remember, and get stuck working, and then stuck remembering. She had gotten stuck remembering when the door behind her opened, the cold air hitting the back of her neck was the only thing that brought her out of the memory of sand and heat and a ringing in her ear. 

“Oh good,” Natasha smiled as she knocked the snow off her boots, “I thought I was going to have to mail you your Christmas gifts and I still don’t totally understand the US Postal servi-”

Maria spun around and crashed her body into the Russians. 

“Well hi there, I missed you too,” the redhead laughed as Maria sunk further into the embrace, catching the scent of blueberry muffins? 

She dragged air into her lungs. She could breathe again.