The Road to Recovery
Ellie woke with a start, her eyes flying open and scanning the room until her gaze fell on Maria who gently ran her fingers through the soft curls of the girl’s hair.
“You’re okay,” the brunette kept her voice low in the early hours of the morning, “you’re home, you’re safe.”
It was a mantra that she had found worked with Ellie who had woken up in a panic after every moment of sleep, no matter how long or short, for the last week. After that, she would carry the girl from her bedroom to the kitchen or the living room depending on how early it was, and start her day. Today, however, she kissed the side of the girl's head and coaxed her back into sleep, it was going to be a long day.
“Try and get a little more rest, I’ll be right here the whole time,” she continued to play with the child's curls and whisper love into her subconscious.
It seemed like everything had come to an accumulation for this day, the last Friday that Maria had off before returning to work. She had booked Ellie’s first psychiatric appointment, her last blood draw, and a drop-in appointment with her teacher all for the same day. The Commander sighed for not spreading them out more, but then reminded herself that it would be better to get it all done now and have the weekend to recover. The week ahead would be even harder.
The Deputy Director would need to be at work the entirety of the following week before most of SHIELD was off for the holidays. They had an invitation to the farm, something she would discuss with the psychiatrist, as well as one from Steve who offered to cook a full Christmas dinner if they wanted to stay local (he often cooked for all of the agents who were still on duty during the major holidays).
She planted one more kiss on the girl's head before reaching over to her nightstand and picking up her phone, sleep was a lost cause at this point. She scrolled through the handful of texts that had come in the night before, determining which ones needed replies.
Agent Ruiz: Thanks for letting us know! Just explained to Liam that Ellie might be a little different now that she's back and that she might not want to play as much. No stress if we miss you at drop-in hours today.
The text from Ruiz could wait, she didn't really think a response was necessary or that the agent would be offended if one never came. Maria scrolled to the next message.
Nat: Safe
Natasha had been in spotty communication for the last week, all she asked was that she checked in when she could if only for the Commander's peace of mind. She shot off a quick thank you message before looking at the next text.
YB: Can I send a present to your house?
It was kind, if unnecessary, the blonde had texted more often now that Ellie was back (and maybe because Natasha wasn’t around to calm her racing thoughts). Oftentimes it was just wondering how the girl was, Maria would often give a quick update and a picture of her to ease the Russian's mind. She was about to text back that Yelena didn’t need to send anything before she read the next message.
YB: too late, already sent.
Clint: Look at this cat, it’s so grumpy it loks like u @ work! [1 img.]
To Maria’s surprise, the cat did in fact look like her scowl when a junior agent said something idiotic during meetings. She rolled her eyes and responded to her friend, glad that at least one person was treating her like she wasn’t made of glass.
Ria: Speaking of that face, did you get your missing report in last week?
She knew that he hadn’t, she had looked for it the day before and found nothing. Still, it felt good to get back into something normal like making fun of the archer. The city was still quiet below them as she lay in bed and counted the breaths of the child next to her. Everything she had read about co-sleeping had been about children who threw tantrums or had a dependency as the youngest. None of the articles talked about if it was okay for a child who had just gone through psychological trauma and wouldn’t even acknowledge their own room.
The Deputy Director unlocked her phone once more and added it to the list of questions she would ask the psychiatrist later. The practice had requested a form to be filled out before coming in so that they could get a better understanding of what they were looking to treat. Questions ranged from what Ellie’s favorite color was to if she had been assaulted in any manner and what her “relationship with birth parents” was like. Maria had filled it in with as much information as she felt comfortable with and sent it off along with a small prayer that counseling would help.
As the sun began to rise fully, Maria woke the girl to get her ready for the day ahead. She braided the girl's hair and got her dressed in warm layers for the cold December air as the two of them went through the same routine that kept Ellie as calm as possible. The Commander added a few snacks and paperwork to her backpack before they both headed out the door and on to the start of a long day.
The psychiatrist’s office was warm and quiet, it smelled ever so slightly of lavender and chamomile, there was a diffuser behind the front desk if Maria had to guess. She put Ellie down for just a moment to take off their coat and brush the snow from the girl's shoulders before she approached the desk where a young woman with sleek dark hair sat.
“Hi, how can I assist you?” her smile was warm as she glanced between Maria and Ellie.
“We have an appointment at 9:30 with Dr. Ferguson,” she placed the coats over one arm and scooped the girl up with the other.
“Wonderful, I’ll let him know. Feel free to take a seat while you wait,” the woman smiled and looked at Ellie, “we have some cool toys and books over in the corner that you might like.”
The child continued to stare at the countertop in front of her, not acknowledging the woman at all.
“Thank you,” Maria gave a brief smile before finding two open chairs in the waiting section.
It was a small area with a few fabric-upholstered hospital chairs on one side that overlooked a play rug with toys and books just as the woman described. There was one other person with highly freckled skin who sat waiting with their nose buried in their phone which Maria was grateful for, she doubted Ellie wanted any form of small talk.
“Do you want to read a book?” She asked the child who had pressed herself firmly into her side.
<no> Ellie signed before clasping her hands together and staring ahead once more.
<That’s okay> Maria signed back and took in the space as they sat and waited.
There was a small aquarium that filtered water softly to mask the noise of the city that raced below them. The brunette knew that if she had brought Ellie to the office a month before, the girl would have raced up to the glass, watching as the fish masterfully swam from one side of the tank to the other. But that was then, and this was now. A now that included the child staring at the long halfway in front of them with no real life behind her eyes.
“Ms. Hill?” a man called out from the last door of the hallway with a warm smile.
“Hi,” Maria stood up, collected her jacket and child, and walked towards the room.
Dr. Ferguson was a tall man with dark skin, kind eyes, and a hand that enveloped Maria’s as she stuck hers out to shake it. She had looked him up after being referred by Dr. Carter, Ferguson was a leading pediatric trauma psychiatrist and had co-run the practice since it opened almost 10 years prior.
His office was a reflection of the waiting area with one corner containing toys and books and another with a small couch, the only difference was that he opted not to have the overhead lights on, instead, there were an array of lamps that illuminated the space. The doctor gave a smile and gestured to the couch as he took a seat in a chair that sat facing it in front of his desk.
“You must be Elizaveta,” he leaned back in the chair and placed a file on a small table next to him.
Ellie made no indication that she heard the man and pressed herself into Maria’s side as she kept her eyes focused on the coffee table in front of her. The Commander winced slightly in silent apology to Dr. Ferguson.
“But I heard that maybe you go by Ellie sometimes,” he gave a small, reassuring smile to Maria.
The curly-haired girl continued to sit in silence.
“Pretty common?” he reached for the file as he asked Maria.
“Yes,” she ran her hands over the girl's hair, “well, no- I mean- It’s a common behavior for her now but it wasn’t like this before, huh Bear?”
Ellie’s eyes flickered up once before they cast back down, Dr. Ferguson smiled at the movement and wrote something down. If Maria had to guess, it was that he had realized the child was listening to what was going on even if there was no outward indication. But, she wasn’t sure that’s what he wrote, and it drove her a little crazy not knowing. It had been a long time since the Deputy Director wasn’t privy to information.
“I see, well Ellie if it’s okay with you we might talk about some boring stuff for a little bit then while you get comfortable,” Ferguson talked directly to the girl who still gave no response.
Maria watched as the doctor wrote something else down before directing his attention to her. He crossed one leg over the other and flipped to a new page of the file before he spoke.
“I want to start off by reminding you that anything you say about Ellie, your living situation, your work, and yourself will be kept confidential unless I have cause for concern about the physical or emotional wellbeing of you or Ellie,” he looked at both occupants of the couch, “Dr. Cater is a close colleague of mine so I do see my occasional family member of your workplace, Deputy Director.”
So, he knew about her line of work. Maria had to admit, it was a bit of a relief not to have to dodge slippery questions that she would need to keep confidential for national security. She nodded in understanding and waited for the first question, hoping Ellie wouldn’t get too distraught over questions about her time with The Room.
“I want to make sure that I have this information correct, Ellie was originally living in a,” he cleared his throat as he chose his words carefully, “training school for the majority of her first 5 years?”
“That is correct,” Maria inclined her head and paid attention to the fact that Ellie hadn’t tensed at the question.
“She was then found with another member of her prior housing?”
“Correct,” the Commander felt Ellie squirm slightly.
“After that, she was then taken into custody by your workplace and a one, Phil Coulson?” he asked, reading off the paper in front of him.
“Yes,” this time the child let out a shaky breath that both adults took note of, “we miss Phil all the time, don’t we?”
The girl let out another breath before signing <yes> more to herself than anyone else.
“My condolences,” he dipped his head, “grief and sadness can be very hard to work through and I’m glad that you two can remember him together.”
“Thank you,” Maria was genuine with her words as she squeezed Ellie’s hand.
“After Mr. Coulson, you became her legal guardian?”
“Right.”
“Ellie has lived full-time with you for the last 7 months with no notable gaps or lapses?”
Maria nodded, surprised at the length of time the child had been with her. It simultaneously felt like no time and that the girl had always been with her.
“On the night of December 2nd Ellie was taken by the group associated with her previous training school?”
“More or less,” she kept it vague.
“And she was gone for a week?”
“Eight days.”
“During that time, she was unable to think or act with autonomy?”
“Correct.”
“How how did you react during that time?”
“I-” Maria faltered, thrown by the change in discussion.
“I think that it’s important that we are all honest about our feelings in this space,” Ferguson looked pointedly to Ellie, “so that we all feel comfortable with talking about what happened.”
It was quiet for a moment as Maria took in the psychiatrist's words, she knew what he was doing, if she couldn’t talk about her anguish, how could she expect to hear the same thing from Ellie? She nodded and took a deep breath.
“I was incredibly sad, and missed Ellie more than I can put into words,” she could see the girl look up at her from the corner of her eye, “I cried all the time and worked almost around the clock to try and bring her back safely.”
“Cry?” Ellie finally broke her silence as she looked at her mom.
“That’s right,” Maria nodded, “I cried all the time because of how much I missed you and worried about you.”
Ferguson wrote something down quickly before he spoke again, “I think that is a perfectly normal reaction to have, you cried and did the one thing you could to try and bring Ellie home. I bet you were really tired from all of it, maybe you still are tired.”
The Commander wasn’t sure if the man was talking to her or Ellie, still, she found comfort in it. Knowing that she had done the right thing or at least something that made sense to other people.
“Ellie, do you remember how you felt at all during that time?” he asked the child who sunk back into the couch and resumed staring at the coffee table in front of her, “or maybe how you felt when you saw your mommy for the first time?”
Still, the curly-haired girl said nothing and made no indication that she was listening to the man in front of her. He took the nonresponse with grace and directed his attention to Maria once more.
“I saw that your intake form stated you had a few questions for me,” he closed the file in his hands and placed it on the table next to him once more, “maybe we can work through some of those for the remainder of the session.”
And so they did, Maria chose questions she was comfortable with asking in front of Ellie and wrote down his responses diligently until their session was over. By the end of it, she felt more informed and could tell Ellie was a little more relaxed as she sat in the same position she had been in for an hour. The Deputy Director took it as a win.
“Thank you both so much for coming in today, if you feel comfortable with continuing our sessions I’ll have Rebeka set up another appointment with you,” Ferguson stood up and offered Maria a hand which she shook.
“I think that would be okay with us,” she was slightly relieved to hear that he still wanted to see them even though Ellie had only said a single word.
As if he could read her mind, the psychiatrist spoke softly to Maria as she finished putting Ellie’s jacket back on, “this is typical behavior, Ellie is demonstrating selective mutism due to traumatic stress. I believe that we have several future options to get her back to a lifestyle that is similar to the one she had before the event.”
“Thank you,” Maria nodded and guided them out of the office.
Just before they reached the door, Ellie turned slightly and waved toward the floor.
Dr. Ferguson chuckled, “see ya later, Ellie.”
They walked out into the rest of the practice which was more full now, the child pressed firmly into Maria’s leg until she picked her up. Ellie let out a satisfied hum as she burrowed her face into the woman's neck. They scheduled another appointment for the following week and made their way back to the car and toward the next appointment of the day.
The Triskelion was working at full capacity as they walked to the medbay, Maria did her best to walk through the back halls and keep eyes off of them. Most people didn't recognize her at first in her civilian clothes with her child, only realizing who it was once they saw the same backpack she brought every day.
It was a quick process of getting the child’s blood drawn and having a once over physically by one of the doctors on staff. They were ahead of schedule enough for Maria to get in one more thing before they went to school for drop-in hours.
“Ellie, is it okay if we go to The Center before we head to school?” She knelt in front of the child who glanced around a few times before nodding once.
And so the two of them made their way down the steps until they were in front of the glass window that looked into the space. It was still school hours and so the room was mostly quiet as they entered.
“Just one second,” the blonde behind the desk was filing a paper away before she looked up, “sorry about that, hi- oh.”
Ellie performed the same lurch/stop that she had done the week before in their apartment building. Part of her wanted to run into the woman and hug her as she always had done, but whatever The Room had done caused that motion to stop just before it started.
Still, Grace came out from behind the desk and opened the gate next to her until she was crouched in front of the child in tears, “I missed you, Miss Ellie. I missed you so so so much.”
Once again, the girl moved forwards before she stepped back into Maria’s legs, the inner turmoil apparent. The Commander placed a hand on the girl's head and watched as the blonde whipped away her tears and stood up fully.
“We wanted to come by and let you know that we're going to try and be back next week,” she reached into her backpack and pulled out a folder.
Grace smiled, “I’m so glad to hear that.”
“I wasn’t sure who would be working but this is… going to be helpful,” Maria handed over the folder.
Enclosed was a list of possible triggers, information about a new medication, changes in eating, changes in behavior, and anything else she could think of. She had made it the night before and created copies for people who would need them including those at The Center and school.
“Thank you,” the blonde took the file and skimmed through the first page, “man am I glad to see you too.”
Maria wondered if anyone had told her about Ellie being found, she had hoped so but judging by the reaction, that wasn’t the case.
“We are too,” she squeezed Ellie’s hand twice.
“Back starting Monday?”
“That’s the plan, we're headed to school now to make sure everything is in place with that,” she could feel the anxiety creeping back in at the thought of how Monday would go.
“We’ll I hope you the best and thank you,” Grace held up the folder, “for this and… and for letting me know she’s back.”
Maria nodded, “if you have any questions let me know, I’ll probably sneak down here a little early on Monday to make sure everything is going smoothly so I’ll see you soon.”
Grace smiled, “great, see you in a few days. Bye, Ellie.”
The girl's eyes were once again unfocused as she diligently followed Maria out of the space, into the elevator, and down to the garage. She only came back to after her mom offered her a snack for the short drive over, as with all other food, she wolfed it down before they had made it to the front gate.
It was somewhat busy as they parked the car and walked toward the girls almost empty classroom, almost. Other than Mrs. Dorthy, there was one other adult and one other child. It took one blink of an eye before Ellie was almost tackled to the ground.
“Liam!” Ruiz called to her son, “we talked about that.”
Maria waited with bated breath, unsure if she would need to pull off a child who was looking to kill. It took one more second before a small squeal escaped the two children and she moved to separate Ellie from the boy who was just excited to see his friend. Only, as she reached down she realized it wasn’t a squeal of pain as Liam clung to his friend, the boy was crying.
“I missed you El,” he choked out.
“Miss you too,” Ellie pushed the boy away a little bit to get a look at his face, “cry?”
“Yeah,” he whipped the snot from his nose with the back of his hand, “cus I missed you and didn’t have anyone to show my new Legos.”
Ellie tilted her head to the side and without skipping a beat, the boy took her hand and brought her over to his cubby where his backpack was. Maria breathed out a sigh of relief and realized two things at once. First, she recalled exactly how she felt that morning when Clint had treated her normally and realized maybe Ellie needed a little bit of that too. Second, she was going to need to buy Legos.
“I’m so sorry and also hi, how are you?” the agent walked up and gave Maria a hug, “I told him that he needed to be careful but-”
“No no,” Maria shook her head, “it’s okay, I think she needed that everyone has been tiptoeing around her. Myself included, Liam, is always a breath of fresh air.”
She could hear the boy chattering away as he talked to Ellie about all the things she had missed.
“And you’re doing okay?” the woman had concern etched on her face.
“We’re doing okay, we just came from the psychiatrist and a blood draw and The Center, so it’s been a full day. Thank you for all of the food, by the way, that was so helpful.” The family had brought over food a number of times, leaving it with kind words on Maria’s doorstep so she didn't have to worry about cooking.
“Of course, of course, I always get in trouble for making too much anyway,” she sighed and smiled at the two kids, “I’m so glad she made it back, I know all too well what can happen in our line of work.”
The Commander nodded, they both knew, they had both felt loss.
“Well we will let you talk, Liam buddy we gotta get going,” Ruiz called out, causing Ellie to tense.
“Okay, Mommy,” he called back, unaware of the girl frozen next to him, “see ya Monday!”
The two left and Maria made her way over to the child, picking her up slowly from her spot before they sat down in tiny chairs next to Mrs. Dorthy who had watched the full interaction from her desk.
“Hello Elizavetta, how are you feeling today?” the woman’s pale skin stretched ever so slightly as she smiled and brought up a small chart filled with different colors and facial expressions.
While it was new to Maria, it was clearly familiar to the girl who for the second time that day, engaged with someone outside of Maria as she took the chart in her hands and studied it. It was a minute longer before she placed her tiny finger between two pictures one reading “worried” and the other reading “unsure”.
“And how about you?” Mrs. Dorthy asked Maria who tried to hide the surprise on her face.
She looked closely at the options, trying to decide where her feelings bet landed.
“I think I’m a mix between this one,” she pointed to worried as well, “and this one” her finger hovered over “grateful”.
“I see, I think that I’m right here,” the woman lifted a finger and placed it over “peaceful”.
The conversation felt calmer after that as Maria talked to the woman about the remaining school before the holiday break and items Ellie had missed. It wasn’t a long conversation but by the time she handed the teacher the folder containing the new information, she could tell that the child was wanting to go home.
“I have to admit Elizavetta, I hardly recognized you without your backpack and your flashlight,” the teacher chuckled, it was true the girl was hardly ever seen without the two.
Ellie instinctively reached for straps around her shoulders that weren’t there. Maria knew the bag was still hanging up in the hallway of their apartment, the Flashlight was still in the room that she hadn’t entered.
“Thank you for this,” Mrs. Dorthy held up the folder and gave one more smile, “I look forward to seeing you on Monday.”
Ellie nodded and waved as she and Maria walked back out of the school. DC traffic slowed their drive home but it seemed like they could both benefit from time to decompress as the woman turned up the music as glanced into the rearview where Ellie was nodding her head along ever so slightly. She was proud of the girl for getting through the day, in so many ways the day had been normal, and in so many ways it hadn’t been. Still, she was in it for the long haul and took the peace where she could.
They had just pulled into the parking spot when Ellie spoke up, “Mommy?”
“Yeah sweet girl?” she turned off the engine and looked into the mirror once more.
“Those people, they die because I did it?”
And then suddenly, it wasn’t a normal day. Not at all.
“Killer,” Ellie spoke so softly, Maria almost missed it.
She got out of the car and opened up the backdoor, unbuckling the car seat and picking Ellie up in one fluid motion. It was a heavy question, one that she had asked herself so many times, and as much as she wanted to tell her that “no of course you aren’t a killer, those people would have died anyway.” she knew it was a bullshit response. And so she was honest with the girl, the times when Ellie had seemed most herself that day were moments when she had been treated normally and with honesty.
“It’s a big question, it’s a hard question to answer,” she looked at the child propped on her hip, “and I don't know if I have the answer. But it’s one that we can talk to Dr. Ferguson about, he might know a little more than us.”
The girl kept her gaze in the distance, “Do not want to be killer.”
“I know you don’t, I don’t think anyone does,” she brushed a thumb over the soft cheeks of Ellie’s face, “I think that you did what you had to do, even if you didn’t want to, to make sure that you stayed safe.”
“Safe,” Ellie echoed back.
Maria wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to say, she had just told the girl what she had wanted to hear after her own hands had seemed more bloodied than soap and water could ever get clean. She kissed the girl's cheek and brought them into the building and their apartment.
The first thing Maria did, under the suggestion of Dr. Ferguson, was open up Ellie’s bedroom door. No longer keeping it dark and scary. Still, the girl didn’t dare to look at it as they went about their afternoon and nighttime routine. Ferguson had explained that it didn’t need to be an immediate action, but at some point, Ellie would need to start sleeping in her own room again to prevent her from creating attachment problems.
The remainder of the night was quiet, Ellie had eaten and showered without saying a word, the only noise was the occasional text tone from a friend that alerted them both. Maria had just picked up her phone to respond to Natasha when she saw Ellie make her way off the couch and over to the bedroom door. She watched as the girl stood in the threshold of her room, but wouldn’t go past and wondered why she suddenly has an interest in the room. Her breathing became faster as she stood and looked into the room, Maria could see her chest rise and fall quickly.
The woman had just gotten up to get Ellie’s attention when a portal opened up, the child screamed and stumbled back as she tried to escape. Maria ran over, grabbing the girl by the shoulders and pulling her close as the portal closed next to them.
“You’re okay, it’s okay,” she spoke quickly to the girl who heaved breath after breath. She had never seen her daughter so terrified of a portal and wondered with horror what that meant.
It was a while longer before she picked them both up to bring them into her own bedroom but just as she stood Ellie squirmed and looked at her room once more. Maria stopped and looked inside, wondering once again what she had been staring at before she saw it.
Aлена still sat on the girl's nightstand. Without second thought Maria marched into the room, picked up the flashlight, and give it to her daughter who tensed as soon as they entered the room before relaxing as soon as the device was in her hands. The curly-haired girl flicked it on and off a few times before pulling it up to her face and sighing.
For the first time, Ellie slept through the night.