Resurfacing
It had been a full week since that day. Regulus still hadn’t left his room. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Regulus just sat huddled up in his bed, staring blankly out the window.
Sirius did his best to try and get him to eat and ease him out of bed, but this didn’t really get a reaction either. Regulus wouldn’t even look at him, he would just shrug him off and frown, mumbling something incoherent in a raspy voice. Sirius was trying his best, but it was hard for him not to get frustrated. He just didn’t know how to help, which angered him to no ends.
One time, he raised his voice trying to break through, but this failed just as badly. Regulus had only begun to rock gently, turning into a tight ball of tension with words tumbling from his mouth in quiet urgency. Any time Sirius would try and listen to what he was saying all he could make out was a jumbled mess of French and English thrown together in panicked sentences.
Sirius shut the door of his little brother's room behind him with a soft click, yawning and staring miserably at the floor. Another failed attempt. He sighed and slumped down at the kitchen table, accepting the plate of toast James offered him.
“No luck?” He asked gently, owlish eyes the picture of concern behind his round-framed glasses. Sirius shook his head reluctantly, picking at his plate. James made a sympathetic noise and sat down opposite him.
“I don’t know how I can help. I just want to help him Prongs.” Sirius rested his head on the table, closing his eyes. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly, and it wasn’t hard to tell either. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face was in a constant frown of worry.
He always found it hard to keep himself alive in situations like these, but this was eating away at him. This was his baby brother, he needed to be there for him. He needed to be there like he hadn’t been before. James hummed softly in thought, pushing his toast to the side.
“You’ve never seen one of these…” He paused searching for the right word, “…episodes before?” Sirius began to shake his head but then stopped, grimacing.
“Not really. Yes and no. When we were little, he would have these sort of- meltdowns. It was about kind of odd things, I guess. Like when the cutlery changed, or he couldn’t wear his favourite socks. Obviously, mother didn’t like that, so she’d punish him. The meltdowns themselves didn’t stop, but eventually something must have happened because he would be crying and hitting himself one moment, and then just go completely still second later just in time for mother to walk in. It was like he could just…turn it off. Feels similar to that, I suppose.”
James stared, frowning angrily in a way that he only did when they were talking about Sirius’ family. He rubbed his temples slightly, taking a deep breath seemingly to calm himself.
“I’m guessing that was a trauma response, and what we’re looking at now could well be the same. A dissociative episode maybe?” Sirius grunted and nodded, looking pale and sickly. He stretched and got up, putting their plates in the sink.
James was still frowning, the cogs in his mind turning as he thought. He was taking a major in Psychology and mental health, training to be a therapist once he was done with hockey. From what Sirius had told him, and what he’d seen, he was beginning to have the start of a thought. He wasn’t going to raise it just yet, but James knew he was onto something as he thought of more ways to help while he washed up the dishes and got ready for his morning run.
James spent the rest of the day studying in the library and catching up on a few boring essays he had to finish for the start of term. He met up with Lily for lunch and then helped her revise for a test. The sky was beginning to darken into ashy blue tones as he wandered home, Regulus still on his mind. By the time he got back to their apartment, James was beyond surprised to find Regulus himself sitting stiffly at the table. He barely even glanced at him when he got in through the door, but it was a vast improvement to this morning.
Sirius was cooking something that smelt delicious, throwing worried looks at his brother from his position in front of the stove. James shrugged off his coat and quietly joined his friend, cutting up vegetables to his instructions and whispering wary small talk to fill the tense air. Eventually the two had nothing left to do but wait, and James was curious for answers. He pulled him to the side, eyes finding the blackening bruise on Sirius’ face before looking pointedly at Regulus. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. The boy’s shoulders slumped, and he bit his lip, glancing at Regulus with soft concern.
“I…had to physically drag him out of his room to stop him hurting himself.” He winced. “I didn’t know what to do- it was like he was fighting something inside of him. I eventually got him in the shower, but he’s been sitting at that table for hours like that while I keep an eye on him. It’s like he’s not even here.” Sirius closed his eyes and swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.
James pulled him into a hug, holding his best friend until the tension bled out of him. Sirius sniffled, wiping his eyes. He took a shaky breath, pulling away and setting his face determinedly. “I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m not blaming him either, it’s our stupid fucking parents’ fault. I love him, and I’m going to help him in any way I can.” He said fiercely, glaring at nothing.
“I know Pads, I know.” James assured gently, offering a comforting hand on his shoulder to guide the boy back to the kitchen. He insisted that Sirius take the bag of frozen peas and press it to his bruise, it was already swollen, and it looked like it hurt.
Half an hour later, they served up the meal, apparently one of Regulus’ favourites. It was a French dish, delicious onion and beef soup served with bread, cheese and croutons. James had never had it before, but his mouth watered with the smell that wafted from the bowls as he carried them to the table.
Regulus’ eyes snapped up as he placed a bowl in front of him, James and Sirius both held their breath as the boy slowly stared down at the dish. His eyes suddenly turned glossy with fresh tears as Regulus then looked at his brother, surprise and something else blooming on his face.
“You remembered.” He croaked. Sirius grinned and James let out his breath, sitting down in his seat and watching as Sirius tentatively moved forward.
“ ‘Course I did Reggie. It’s all you ate as a kid.” The elder brother winked and took his own place at the table.
“Don’t call me that.” Regulus mumbled, but his lips had the ghost of a smile tugging at the edges as he picked up his spoon and took a tiny mouthful. Sirius smiled a genuine smile and swept his hair out his face, turning to his own meal. James felt warmth spark inside him at the interaction, he couldn’t stop a grin of his own from breaking out on his face.
“Why are you grinning at us like that? You look like an idiot.” Sirius laughed, nudging the bespectacled boy who only stuck his tongue out at him.
“He is an idiot.” The younger Black rolled his eyes, voice still quiet but gaining his usual calm firmness. James feigned a hurt expression.
“You’ve only known me for about a week!” He exclaimed, pouting.
“Yeah, and the first time I met you, you were wanking off.” Regulus shrugged, smirking. James gasped and put his hands down on the table in dramatic outrage, Sirius barked out a loud laugh which shook the whole table.
“Lies and deceit! I thought we went over this, Sirius tell him!” The boy only shook his head and faked an innocent expression, fluttering his eyelashes all cutsie-style.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that dear Prongsie, or that would be untruthful.” James groaned and glared playfully, the two sinking into a familiar rhythm of squabbling. Regulus remained mostly quiet, only chipping in for a sarcastic comment or two. When everyone had finished, the three boys cleared up in a comfortable silence. It was broken only by the soft clinking of dinnerware, until Regulus cleared his throat awkwardly.
“I should…probably apologise for how I’ve acted the past few days.” He mumbled to his feet, avoiding the gazes of the other boys in the room as they halted to stare at him. “I wish I could give you an explanation or an excuse, but there isn’t really one- so.” The dark-haired boy grimaced and shrugged; shoulders so tense that the shrug looked almost robotic.
“Reg, you have nothing to apologise for. That shit- it’s not your fault okay?” Sirius soothed, putting down the plate he was washing and stepping closer to smile at his brother gently. “You can’t control it. I told you what it was like for me, everyone has it differently.”
Regulus shook his head frustratedly. “I punched you-“ He insisted.
“Regulus, stop, I'm fine.” Sirius cut in quickly; his brother only scowled in anger.
“No, I hurt you Sirius. I hurt you, and it means that I’m- I’m like them.” Regulus spat, voice breaking. Sirius flinched then, anger flaring up in an instant. He went to reach out but thought better of it and took in a breath instead.
“Listen to me Regulus.” He demanded, “You are nothing- and I mean nothing- like them. You got out. That’s what matters.” Regulus still looked unsure, but he just nodded slowly, sighing and letting his shoulders drop. “Alright?” The boy pressed, glaring authoritatively. The younger glowered at him.
“…Alright.” He mumbled reluctantly. Sirius broke out in a bright grin.
“Great! Now, off to bed with you.”
“I'm not Nine, its only 10pm!” Regulus huffed indignantly, rolling his eyes. Instead, he grabbed a book and curled up on the sofa in the other room, keeping to himself as the other two finished tidying up.
“You okay?” James asked quietly once silence had fallen upon them again. Sirius turned, eyes softening at his friends’ concern.
“Yeah James, I'm okay.” He let out a breathy chuckle as James raised his eyebrows knowingly. “No, really, I am. I'm happy now that he’s happy. Or happier…” Sirius seemed lost in thought for a moment before he blinked and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine Prongs; you worry too much.” James shook his head in dismay.
“That’s because you’re always doing something worrying Pads.” They laughed but it died down quickly into quiet again. James braced himself for what he was about to say, dropping the tea-towel he was using. “Listen, I don’t want to like- intrude, but have you ever thought of maybe getting Regulus…” He trailed off at Sirius’ sharp look, guilt rushing through him. “Getting Regulus tested for something?” He forced out quickly, wincing. The eldest Black let out a slow breath, leaning back against the cupboards.
“I did think about it briefly before I ran, but back then I didn’t exactly have the means to even look into anything.”
James nodded quickly, letting out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. Sirius was extremely protective over his brother, not to mention his explosive anger could be damaging when he wanted it to be.
“I just thought that well, since were going back soon and Regulus is going to start at our school, you’ve got your meds and counselling stuff there, maybe it would be worth raising now?” He suggested, still wary. Sirius nodded slowly, grimacing.
“It’s not school that’s the problem. It’s just that- well, to even have that conversation with Reg…I don’t know. He’s stubborn, and our relationship is fragile. It would probably end badly if I were to just dump it on him, but a step in that direction would be good.” He bit his lip, rubbing his face tiredly.
“At least hockey practice will start soon.” James grinned, attempting to cheer him up. Sirius returned the sentiment, a hungry look in his eye. They had been practicing over the holidays, but it was nothing like hockey practices at Hogwarts, dashing around the rink with your whole team there. It was something that the two lived for, the electric feeling of being in a group of people who loved hockey just as much as you sparked a different side in them.
James missed his team; he was the Captain since last year and he loved each and every person on his hockey team. He was just as excited to see the new additions too, he loved seeking out talent and getting to know new faces. He loved the warmth of it all, the spirit, the ice and the unique confidence it gave him. James loved a lot of things, and hockey was definitely one of them.
“Oh my god that reminds me!” Sirius suddenly shrieked, eyes lighting up as he gripped James in excitement. “You remember the player who quit the Slytherin hockey team a few months back, right? Well, you’ll never guess who Reg saw on the train, coming down to London.”
James’ mind scrambled to connect the dots before his whole face lit up.
“No!” He gasped, staring wide-eyed at Sirius who nodded eagerly, grinning insanely wide.
“Yes! Barty Crouch is starting at Hogwarts this year!” Sirius practically squealed. “Regulus sat with him on the train, the lucky bastard!”
“You’re pulling my leg mate. That guys defence is insane!”
“That’s what I said! Look, I’ll prove it.” Sirius dragged James into the living room where Regulus was curled up on the sofa, reading. “Reggie!” Regulus sighed but didn’t look up, just turning his page. Sirius called his name in a sing-song voice until finally the younger brother relented, slamming his book shut and turning to glare at the two.
“What?” He snapped, looking pissed. When neither of them spoke up he rolled his eyes and put the book to the side, straightening up to sit crossed legged. Regulus narrowed his eyes in expectancy, and the hockey players wavered uncertainly. Sirius was only now remembering just how crazy you had to be to interrupt Reggie while reading. Sirius wasn’t scared of his younger brother, so to say. Okay, maybe he was a little scared of him, but really, he was just being cautious. His brother was straight up dangerous when he wanted to be.
James was terrified. He pulled on his best friends arm like a scared toddler in a crowd, begging silently for them to back away. Regulus was staring daggers at them and James practically squeaked when his eyes fell on him, scowling. “Well? Fucking get on with it, if you’re going to interrupt me don’t be a weak bitch about it.”
Sirius cleared his throat and stepped forward bravely like he was sacrificing himself. He was in a way, he thought proudly. That confidence was quickly wiped with one scathing look, however, and he was back to playing with his hands. “WewantedtoaskyouaboutBarty.” He mumbled in a rush, wincing at the heavy silence. “Uh- you know what? Nevermind, we can come back!” Sirius turned, ready to leave. Regulus brought him back with a cold clear of his throat. Sirius stepped forward again warily.
“No, no, ask your question.” He smirked, opening his book again but still staring at them instead of going back to it. His eyes simply said, ‘I dare you, I fucking dare you’, but Sirius had always been one to complete dares. James swore that boy had a death wish as Sirius snatched Regulus’ book from his hands and straightened up in an attempt at superiority. Regulus could never be intimidated though; he always had this air that he was better than you, and if you didn’t accept it you were just blind.
Maybe Sirius was a little blind.
“I…wanted to ask you about Barty,” Sirius repeated uncertainly, “the hockey player you sat next to on the train?”
James was intrigued despite his fear and he leaned in closer, eager for his answer. He wanted to know all about it, wanted Regulus to spill all the knowledge he kept, all that he knew that made him better. James wanted to melt him, watch him sink into his arms with a soft sigh and then he wanted to-
Nope. No. not doing this.
Regulus sighed in exasperation. “Give me my book.”
“Tell us about Barty and I’ll give it back.” The eldest Black brother narrowed his eyes, clutching the book protectively. The two boys stared at each other, each as stubborn as the other.
James shuffled awkwardly on his feet until they broke off and Sirius pulled him down with on the sofa. It was tight, and James was very aware of every bit of skin that was touching Regulus as he tried to subtly move away, his cheeks burning. His mind was once again distracted as Regulus rolled his eyes.
“I don’t know that much, but he said he was going to start at Hogwarts.” He held out his hand for the book, scowling when Sirius shook his head.
“More. Did he say he was going to go for the hockey team?” He pressed. Regulus huffed.
“Well, he said that he was to the public and he said to me that he was starting fresh at Hogwarts, so I suppose." Regulus’ teeth were gritted as he gripped onto the book, tugging it slightly. "Give it."
“Come get it, I bet you won’t.” Sirius challenged, yanking it back. The only problem with this was that James was in the way. He sat between them as a sort of barrier, or that was supposed to be the idea Sirius was going for. He probably expected for Regulus not to do anything.
What Sirius obviously hadn’t expected was for Regulus to straight up clamber over James to pin Sirius onto the sofa by his face, ripping the book from his grasp. Sirius whined and screeched from under him, flailing his arms about and calling out James’ name who just stood there, looking awestruck as he watched them.
“James!” Sirius howled, “James, grab the book! Get him off me!”
“James, don’t.” Regulus chuckled softly, sending him a quick glance. “I just want to get him back. Just this once, for me? S'il te plaît?” That look did things to James that he didn’t care to admit, but he didn’t think he could exactly explain to Sirius that he’d betrayed him because his brother had straight up seduced him.
“My fucking god! Get him OFF! I can’t breathe-“ Sirius emerged from the pillow Regulus had started to smother him with. Then his eyes suddenly lit up as he came up with something, smirking at James. He almost knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. “James catch the snitch!”
‘Catch the snitch’ was a phrase that they used in hockey to tackle someone marking them in defence, to get them away. It was a distraction really, and they sometimes used it out of context when they were play fighting or whatever. It could be used in a lot in different ways, but James knew what this meant.
“What?” Regulus asked sharply, looking around at both of them to try and figure it out.
James only hesitated for a moment to catch a glimpse at Regulus’ confused face which was delightfully endearing and sweet, strangely enough. Then he was lunging forward to tackle Regulus off the sofa, rolling with him. Regulus let out a yelp as they hit the floor, cursing him out as he struggled to get away. James’ skin was burning as he tightened his grip, looking up to see Sirius scrambling up and grabbing the book from its’ discarded place.
“James, catch!” He fired as he chucked the book in his direction, just in time for James to untangle himself and surge up to catch it. Sirius collapsed dramatically once it was caught, looking up at James with dramatic awe. The proud look reflected on James’ face quickly faded as he made eye contact with Regulus. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were narrowed, staring at him with a glare so deadly that James felt himself sway slightly under the intensity of it. Then Regulus smirked, and-
Oh shit.
James let out a high-pitched scream as he took off towards his bedroom, bouncing clumsily off the walls and grappling for his door handle. He could hear Regulus laughing darkly as he followed him, hurtling into the room and turning to shut the door. Too late. Oh, he was done for. Regulus shoved it open and then locked it behind him, smirking evilly. Even then, James allowed himself to marvel at how he looked just as good. Sirius could be heard hammering on the door outside, but neither of them payed any attention to it.
“James, would you be so kind to give me my book back?” Regulus asked with fake sweetness. James still blushed. He is far past redemption at this point, he thinks. Even so, he shakily clutches it to his chest and backs away, the back of his knees hitting the bed. Regulus looks at him with amusement in his eyes, walking forward slowly.
James was beginning to really feel like prey. He was in a cage with a snake.
Regulus still had that sweet smile on his face as he put his hands over James’ on the book. “I’m going to take it now, okay?” He told the elder boy softly in that honey-smooth voice. James swallowed and stared down at him wide-eyed. He did nothing to stop Regulus as he slid his hands down from James’ and gripped the book, slipping it out of his grasp gently and slipping away too. His touch left a lingering feeling as he brushed his fingertips over James’ skin in passing as he pulled away. Regulus gave a quick wink and blew him a kiss.
“Merci beaucoup James.” He snickered, waving his fingers slightly in goodbye and opening the door to a cross-looking Sirius. He pushed past his brother who stuck out his tongue then turned to James.
“What happened? You weren’t supposed to give him the bloody book Prongs!” James wasn’t looking at Sirius, though, he was looking at the spot in the doorframe where Regulus had been standing mere moments ago. Sirius huffed and turned on his heel, muttering to himself sulkily as he stalked back to his own room. James slowly sank down onto his bed, letting out a small groan and covering his face.
“Fuck.” He murmured as Regulus’ flushed face appeared in front of him even now, with his eyes closed. He was fucked. Well, and truly fucked. With the memory of Regulus’ touch imprinted on his skin, he slowly dropped back into the pillows, cheeks red.
‘Fuck’ indeed.